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Homosexuality – Coming Out
Where do I even begin? My name is Shawn and I am seventeen years old. I first realized that I was gay in middle school but have been in denial about it until my sophomore year in high school. Only recently have I been contemplating coming out to my friends and family. I first set aside October 1, 2006 to come out, but it has not happened. I know there are a lot of friends I would lose if they knew the truth. I also have no idea how my parents will react. I think I respect a lot of my friends and family too much to let them down like this. Earlier in the month, I tried coming out to my mother. I virtually broke down in tears in front of her but could not work up the nerve to do so. I eventually ended the conversation with some bogus story about stress at school. I am also pretty much terrified of talking to my father about anything, let alone coming out to him that I am a homosexual.
I find myself bringing up this kind of topic in various conversations with my friends and family. My mother and I began talking about the topic of gay people coming out and she said something very discouraging to me. “I do not see why people come out that they are gay. There is no black and white. Coming out that you are gay causes people to only know you for that.” When I countered this statement, she asked me, “You’re not gay, are you?” I replied, “No,” and I have regretted it everyday since then. I always ask myself how easy it would have been to just have answered, “Yes, mom. I am gay.”
Everyone around me seems to know that something is wrong. People have pointed out that I am not eating and there is lack of emotion in my voice. My mother specifically said that she is only getting one-worded answers from me and feels that we are growing apart. I do not really know what kind of help I am asking for. I just really wish I knew what to do or to know that someone cared, which is impossible since I have not confined this information to anyone. Any suggestions or opinions are welcome. Thank you.
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I say, who cares if your gay? Its not a big deal, so many people are homosexual these days, its common. You need to come out and your friends and family will just have to accept the way you are. You won't be letting them down, you will be showing them a fact about you that they didn't know before. If they really care about you, they will continue to care about you even if you are gay. I wouldn't be worried about your mom if I were you. It sounds like she is concerned about the problems you seem to be having and i think she (and you) will be relieved when you do come out.
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Hey Shawn,
Just before I was going to give you some amazing, personal incite to comfort you with your problem, I read the advice given to you by Razhie and she stole ALL of my thunder. I agree full heartedly with her and place a large ditto on her advice. The time might not be right for you to tell your friends and family about you being gay seeing that you might need to spend more time getting more "comfortable in your skin".
When someone "comes out of the closet" I feel that it is extremely important that they are comfortable and confident in their acceptance of their lifestyle and their promise of a happy future. I did not necessarily get that from you in your question. You might be confident that you are gay, but you don't appear too comfortable yet. Its not a handicap, you must believe that being gay is just apart of who you are like the color of your hair or the build of your body. And, depending on what state you live in, there should be nothing restricted to you that isn't already restricted to hetero's.
Also, coming out isn't so much about validation and acceptance for some, but rather its about being honest with those you love. I think this is what is really going on in your heart. You want to be honest, you don't want to live your life in secret and in lies. But, find for me an instance where you really have to live that deceitful life? Is it necessary for heterosexual teens to tell their parents who they plan on dating before they even date them? And keep in mind that you will meet many gay people in your life who did not need to "come out" at all. They took a "well, yeah I am, so?" attitude about coming out.
In high school I was prom/homecoming king. I was a decorated athlete in three sports. I was like by the popular and the unpopular alike. And I was completely in the closet about my homosexuality. I wanted to tell my friends and family, but my fears of being typecast as just that was greater than my need for honesty. My senior year, I met my boyfriend and we been together now for 17 years. Do I regret my decision to not come out then, not at all. Six year after high school I felt the need to tell my family about the man I love more than anything. I, like you, feared their reaction. But I was confident and comfortable, but still very chicken shit. I wrote a letter to my parents, fearing my mothers violence. I played my hand, they didn't talk to me for a few months. I cried every night. But I had to allow them to deal. Not everyone reacts the same way, not everyone reacts the way you think they would.
So, my advice to you is to LIVE YOUR LIFE!! Make the bigots "come out of the closet" and deal with their homophobia. The burden is theirs not yours. Make the most of your life. Become special. Be a good person. You came out to yourself a while ago, don't second guess it just because others might not like you for it. Deal.
Good luck, let me know how it turns out. Call the help lines that Razhie gave you.
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Feeling like you have to tell people is what is stressing you out. When I decided that I was bisexual, at first, I felt like I should tell people. Now, I realize that hey, it's really none of their business and my sexual orientation doesn't change my relationships with them at all. Some of my friends know, but I told them only because it came up in the conversation and I felt comfortable in telling them at that time. It was a spur of the moment thing. It's hardest to admit to yourself that you are homosexual. You've already gotten past that. You're doing really great. Take a deep breath and relax for awhile. Get completely comfortable with it yourself. I can see why you would feel so bad about not telling your mom. Your lie was a reaction that you didn't have any control over. It happened because you weren't ready to tell her yet. That's perfectly okay. My advice for you is to wait until you get into college to tell anyone and only do it when you feel the time is right. Don't set a date. You aren't obligated to tell people. Telling anyone while you are still in high school could end horribly for you. If the news gets around you would be ridiculed to an unimaginable level and maybe even physically attacked. It would be much easier on you if you wait till college. I would also suggest that you tell people over instant messenger if you use that. You might not be able to tell their reaction as well, but it would be much, much easier for you to come out and say it in the comfort and safety of the setting. Telling people isn't for their benefit, it's for yours so I see no problem with doing it that way. Don't wait long after telling the first person to tell your mom. Ask anyone you tell to keep it secret so that your mom can hear it from you and not from someone else. Tell your mom in person. After taking that first easier step of telling someone online, it shouldn't be as hard to tell your mom in person than if you tried starting with that. You will know when you are ready. It may be awkward and a little uncomfortable for you, but as long as you are ready it will go just fine. If you are having troubles in school and feeling depressed one of these hotlines should be able to help you out.
Gay & Lesbian National Hotline
1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line
800-850-8078
If you feel you need to tell people before college, it might turn out just fine for you. Remember that the decision is always yours and my advice is just advice. I wish you the very best of luck. Try to feel better! I know you can, you seem like a very strong person. :)
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These kinds of situations really let you know who your true friends are. You say that you would lose friends if you came out. But think about it; If you've known these people, are comfortable with them, and trust in them, does it really matter if you're gay? You're still the same person. A TRUE friend would see this, and you wouldn't lose your friendship because of it. If someone stops being your friend because of your sexuality, they aren't worth your time anyway.
You also said that you don't want to let your loved ones down. Being gay would NOT let them down. In fact, I think that not being true to yourself would let them down more. You need to have self-confidence. That fear of pain, the worry... It's all getting in the way of you living your life, and it's eating you away inside. You know why, though? It's because you haven't told anyone. You even said that you haven't trusted anyone with your secret until now. In any situation, it always helps to tell someone. If you don't, your emotions will just continue to eat you away inside, and you don't want that. You don't have to tell your friends or family just yet, if you still aren't comfortable with it. You can talk to your school guidance counselor (if you're still in school) or a therapist. I'm pretty sure that there are some hotlines you can call that have people you can talk to about it.
I also want to address what your mom said. Sure, if you came out, you might be known for that. Some people will admire it, while some may not. I'm not going to lie and say that everyone is going to accept your sexuality. Some people won't, but like I said, those kinds of people aren't worth your time.
You don't seem to have high self-confidence, which is part of what's holding you back from coming out. Confidence can't be gained overnight, it has to build up over time. You need to love, respect, and accept yourself.
Love yourself. Everything. The good, the bad. Your strengths, your weaknesses. All of it. Look at yourself in the mirror, and say, "I am me. I love myself. I have friends and family who all love me very much. I'm cared for." Say talents you have, and things you like about yourself. Also, be positive. Instead of expecting the worst, realize that good things can happen. (because they can!)
Respect yourself. That means that you should be honest with yourself and others. You're gay. You tell yourself that, and you know that. But you're hurting youself when you keep it from the ones you love. Your sexuality is a big part of you, and you want your friends and family to know about it. I can tell that just by what you wrote. There's a quote I want to share with you, that I heard from the movie "A Cinderella Story" and it goes like this: "Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."
If you keep thinking of all of the bad things that can happen, you probably won't get up the courage to come out. But if you realize that good things could occur by coming out, it's a lot easier. Sure, bad things can happen in any situation, and you should realize that. But you can't let that keep you from achieving greatness.
Accept yourself. You are... who you are! And you're wonderful for it. You are unlike anyone else on this world, so don't try to live up to someone else's standards and don't try to be anyone else. Do that, and you will only let yourself down. Be the number one you, not the second best someone else.
I'm straight, but personally, I admire you for wanting, and attempting to, come out. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I imagine that it must be very hard for you, but you'll get through it. I have faith in you! You can do it, I know you can!
I hope I helped, and if you have any more questions, feel free to leave one in my inbox!
-Manders
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Your sexuality does not define who you are.
I don't much like the 'coming out' rhetoric. It implies that the 'closet' is dark and full of lies and that being out 'out' is somehow being true to your essential identity.
Your sexual orientation is only one small factor in your essential identify. You are not a gay person. You are a person, who happens to be gay.
Before you do anything else dear, please, please, please, recognize the difference between the two. Don't let your daily life be defined by this stressful issue.
I understand the psychology of 'coming out', of being honest with the people you love, of being honest with yourself, but 'coming out' is actually a gradual process. Whether you know it or not, the process has already begun. People are questioning, they are open to discussing this with you.
I know everyone here will probably encourage you to share your orientation with your mother. I know every time I tell a gay teen ‘Hey, wait a second, do you really need to do that in order feel okay?’ I get treated like social pariah by my heterosexual and homosexual friends alike. However, if I could give you any advice this would be it:
Wait a second. Do you really need to ‘come out’ in order to feel okay? Are the issues you are having, specifically with your mother, more to do with your self-esteem, or with negotiating your developing and changing values and hers. Is coming out going to make your relationship with your mother what you need it to be?
You don’t have to decide today and if you say yes, this is what I want and need, great, go for it. But don’t rush yourself. You’ll still be gay tomorrow. (Oh, and DO NOT come out over the Christmas holidays, really, that’s just messy.)
This can be a brilliant site. Sometimes individuals own stories are far more powerful then anything else we can rationalize or theorize away: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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Hi Shawn, this is Mina from DangGirlll, Lindsey isn't with me right now, but I know that if she were here she'd want to answer this question, just like I do. Both of us have a few gay friends. One of them is one of our best friends, Tom. First I want to just say that I (and Lindsey too) truly and fully believe, without any doubt, that people who are homosexual or bi are born like that. It's who they are and you cannot control that. Whether you believe in God, or some sort of higher being or something else, we think that this is how you were born and you have no power of this. But we also strongly believe that just because someone is homosexual or bi, does not mean that is their only substance. Being homosexual should not define who you are, merely show who you love.
Neither of us are homosexual or bi, but because we do have so many friends that are we try and understand and grasp really how hard it is to be so. And we think it's a fucking shame that it should be that hard. Love should not be suppressed. Ever. We have a lot more things to worry about than opressing love. A lot.
Also, it is essential to understand that it is hard for people who have not been accustomed to this, or around this, to get used to it, and for some it won't take over night. It could take time. I really believe though, that if you do choose to come out (which I hope you do, BUT only when you feel you're ready) and people don't accept it immediately, or at all, that maybe it is better if you aren't friends with them. I know this sounds wayway hard to try and comprehend, and it should be, but if people you really love and trust can't accept part of who you are, it's not that worth it. The people that are worth it will be the people who support you. Our friend Tom has taken a lot of fucking stuff, but everyone now knows him as openly gay and they LOVE him for it. He's amazing and he's only gotten to this point through fully expressing who he is. I think all people need to do that, whether it's about their sexuality or not. Another hard thing is that Tom's family is also Mormon. That's pretty harsh, but overtime, even if his family still is curious about the way he is, they still love him. And even if your family can't really understand the way you are, I'm sure they will still love you. I promise you that.
And I just want to say that I'm really sorry it is this hard for you. I really hope that one day it won't have to be like this for people, but for now it is, and we all just have to keep trying to make it better. Oh and Shawn, please don't think that you are letting people down because you are gay. You're not. It's who you are and that does not make you any less of a person than me or Lindsey or anyone else in the world.
I hope this helped you, even in the slightest bit, I really do, because I've seen how this can effect people negatively and it really hurts me to see that happen. Even if you are a stranger.
Also, if you want to talk more you can IM or e-mail me at DangGirlll@aol.com
:)
-Mina of DangGirlll
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All though I have never met you, you don't seem too confident in yourself and with who you are. You're gay & you can't change that and you shouldn't have too. I know that comming out might be really difficult and painful to do, but you can't live your life this way. It's not fair and it's not right. I'm going to be honest with you Shawn. You most likely will lose some of your friends but this is reality. People aren't as nice and caring as they seem. Some will accept you for who you are and other won't but it's life and you have to prepare for that. Those friends were never your REAL friends to begin with if they turn your back on you. Your parent's love you and I'm sure you know that well but you have to tell them the truth. Yeah they might be shocked, angry, confused at first, but you'd be doing the right thing. You're their son and they will accept you and love you no matter what. They just might need some time to take it all in. I know that you regret telling your mom that you aren't gay, but you have another chance to do so. People are noticing that something is bothering you and don't take it out on yourself. You and your mom seem to be really close so talk to her. Talk to your dad as well. Think of how much better you will feel when you get this of your back. You'll be realived. I'm sure you know that being a homosexual has their ups & downs and I'm not just saying that to be rude or something. You know that not everyone is going to like it and people will make rude comments about it, but who cares. It's not their life. It's your. That's all that matters. You need to be happy in your own skin and no one should make you feel bad about that.
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I hope that everything works out & let me know how things go.
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