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He asked me if I was ready for marriage
I am very sad!!
Last night my bf asked me if I think that I was ready for marriage ..I was surprise and happy of course .He just pop up with the question if I love him and if I want to marry him one day .
I said yes ...I was really happy.
After that we kept on talking about marriage and stuff than I told him that If I ought to marry him I want to keep my own lastname ....He got really mad and told me that he doesn't like my desicion.
The real reason why I wouldn't like his lastname is that his parents has the same last name and they really hate me and do really bad and nasty stuff to me .THEY HURT ME A LOT,
It's really hard for me to go around with the lastname of my biggest enemies
I love my bf ..we had been A LOT to be togheter ..his parents did the imposible things to seperate us ..They are really jealous about their son.
The second reason is that my dad has more than 5 childrens and he only gave me his lastname ..I'm proud to have this lastname and I really don't want to change it..
Can anyone understand me ?????
I don't want to hurt him but how to explain to him this strange feeling ?
I'm really sad ..
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marriage is all about compromise. the simple solution is to hyphenate, use your last name first to make it stand out more. as for his parents, well i can relate. but you have to ask yourself this question, which feeling is stronger? your hate for his parents, or your love for him? since you do not want to take his last name, it would seem that the hate is more powerful, and he is understandably upset. as for your being proud of your last name, well that is more understandble, but hyphenation takes care of that.
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I understand completely and I agree. If he really loves you, he should respect your wishes and if you have to explain the situation with his parents and why you love your last name because of your dad. If it means that much to you, he should agree.
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Before explaining things to him, consider using both last names. I know some women that have kept their original last name AND taken a new one. For example, if your first name is Jessica, your middle name is Lynn, your last name is Smith and you are marrying someone whose last name is Spencer, your name would be Jessica Lynn Smith Spencer. Most of the time you'd probably leave your middle name out because that can get a little long. Doing this would honor your father, make your in-laws cringe, and honor, respect, and make your boyfriend very happy.
Marriage requires a lot of giving and compromising. Don't sacrifice who you are completely, but marriage is, in a way, a sacrifice. You aren't an "I" anymore. You're a "we". You need to think in terms of "we". It's not always what's going to be best for you anymore. Think about your boyfriend's feelings for a minute. How would you feel if you were him? Please explain everything to him, like you did here. The man you plan to marry certainly deserves every bit of the truth. He should understand and he may even say that it's ok for you not to take his name.
Even if he does say it's ok, he probably still feels bad about it. It doesn't convey a positive image to others about your relationship. It makes you seem like you want to be independant and that you don't feel you need him. I know this may seem a little unfair to you. The thing is, people are judgemental, cruel, and ignorant. Sure you could dress gothic and not be gothic, but why would you? It's kind of the same thing. He may understand, you may understand, but very few other people will. I really think that you should use both last names. It seems very appropriate for you and your situation. It would be a step in a very positive direction for you. His family is a part of him. In order to fully accept him you have to accept his family. You don't have to like them, but if you marry him, they are going to be your family too, whether you take their name or not. Good luck! :)
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Explain the situation to him. Focus on the part about your dad, not your hatred for his parents. Just explain to him that your dad giving you his name meant a lot to you and although you love him, you don't want to give up that special gift. It doesn't mean you love him any less or anything of the sort.
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You don't want to change your name and that's okay. It's your name, the only one you have ever had. The choice is completely and utterly yours.
You don't need to bring up your distain for his parents with your boyfriend. That would be insulting his last name, which I'm sure he cherishes just as much as you do yours, just focus on what it is you value about your own name, it's legacy, it's bond with your father, and how you clearly recognize that marriage is about far more then a name on a piece of paper. It's about an oath and a shared life, not about what name is on the cable bill.
And then hear him out. It is understandable that he would be upset by your decision, even if it isn't logical, and his feelings should be acknowledged and respected. His desire for tradition (except traditions should be meaningful, not oppressive), his desire to be 'normal' (except keeping ones own name is perfectly normal) and his idea that sharing a name makes a couple truly married in the eyes of strangers (utter nonsense and completely meaningless) might all be illogical, but they are still very powerful feelings for him. They are just not a very good reason for you to change your identity if you don't want to.
You might try to discuss other options, like hyphenating both names, guaranteeing any children would carry his name, or taking his name but always using your own professionally, anything that you feel is acceptable to you but might make him more comfortable.
But in the end, it's completely your choice. If you choose not to take his name, then that is just the way it will be. Respect his pain, acknowledge it and appreciate how very real it is for him, but also expect him to get the hell over it. Your name is your choice, married or not. That is something he will need to make his peace with.
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well, you should definitely explain to him what you just said here. your boyfriend shouldnt get so pissed, but he does seem to have a right to be mad.. in marrying him you get his last name and enter his family.. maybe you can have your name ajoined with his.. like "jane smith marries adam jones = jane smith jones"? I think you should take his last name someway anyway, cuz then wouldnt that piss his parents off even more? Because now you're a part of their family and have their last name.. and they can't do anything about it.
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explain to him exactly what you just told us here.
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