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staying in a marriage for the wrong reasons?
I have been married for almost 20 yrs and we have 2 teenagers. I was 21 when we married, at 22 I was a mom(this may sound crazy but I know he got me pregnant on purpose). He is very affectionate to me especial in front of people. My husband is an alcoholic and that has always been the source of our arguments and my anger towards him. Of course the next day he would always apologize and say he loves me more than anything. Around 13yrs ago I believe he had been unfaithful but he adamantly denies it. About 3 yrs. ago I was suspicious of his activity on the internet(always clicking off pages when I walked into the room). I got a program to track this activity and found that he was sending intimate pictures of me to porn sites and exchanging them with others. This for me was the ultimate betrayal,disgust and I was totally embarrassed. At the time I didn't confront him with what I knew, but I did tell him our kids were getting porn pop ups. I destroyed the photos and the program.After that, I promised myself that if he ever screwed up again that I would leave him. 1 1/2 yrs ago we sold our home and he moved out of state to start a new business, I followed with children when they finished school yr. The busin. was not going as expected, I think it was more work than he thought it would be. With me pressuring him to get a job, he went searching only to find mediocre jobs. A family member got him a great paying job back home and off he went. I went to visit him with children and dog for the holidays and had a great time, when I left to drive back (15 hr.drive) I would call every few hrs just to let him know we were ok. After 10pm I didn't call until I got home (4am) called his cell and it was turned off, called my mom told her were got back safely. I asked "how could you turn your phone off knowing your wife and children were driving thru the night" and he just said "sorry I always turn my phone off at night"....Well he screwed up again! So now I'm angry, I was now responsible for selling off everything from the busin.,which I ran some great sales and fortunately brought in a lot of money because even though he was making a lot of money he was also spending it(at bars). I started thinking about how unhappy I was in our marriage. I struggled with the idea of divorce because of the children and the rest of our families. I finally confronted him with everything and the fact that I wasn't happy and I didn't think I loved him anymore. With that, he flew down and begged for forgiveness, promised he would change and do anything I wanted him to do. Our families were shocked at what I said to him, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. Of course they ran to his side feeling sorry for him, not knowing the whole story( cheating, porn site,mental abuse). During all this, my brother died suddenly from cancer...Because I have been so distraught over losing my brother, losing over $100,000. in a failed busin. and the strain of living apart from my husband for months a a time, I agreed to take him back and try to save our marriage. We took a vow almost 20 yrs. ago and morally feel that I should try. Its been over 4 mons. and I'm very depressed, still very angry with him, feeling like I again gave up on myself for everyone else's sake and out of fear of being on my own financially.
I am I disrespecting myself or being dramatic?
Mz.R.
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Swweetie, I may only be 17, but it doesnt take an adult to see the pain and struggles you have overcome. You are one of the strongest women out there..you have been through amazing things that i dont think iwould have been able to handle. Your husband says he wants to make it work..but there seems to be no effort on his end of the table. It takes TWO to make a relationship work whether its marriage or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
You are a STRONG woman. Right now i want you to make a goal in your head. Make an amount of time you will give him before it is all over. Maximum of 2 0or 3 months maybe? Have a SERIOUS talk with your husband ASAP. He is your HUSBAND..tell him your feelings of depression once again and suggest this :
1) Alcohol counseling
2) Marriage Counseling (my parents went during a rough time and it worked wonders)
If he refuses..then you need to leave him. Dont just stay together for the kids. Whether you are married or divorced i know you will love your children and together you will adjust. You have been patient long enough. Draw the line! Give him a maximum of 2 or 3 months TOPS (If he is unrepsonsive in the serious talk i told you to give him..its time to leave him now) I know this will be hard for you to do..but you are STRONG you can overcoem this and get out of your depression. Dont let your life spiral down hill. Cherish every moment of it! Life is too short to live it unhappy..and if this unhappiness continues..you need to break free. It takes TWO to make a relationship works. He says and begs to you it will be better. Well..he needs to SHOW you this. Actions speak louder than words.
Please update me. I dont know if you have AIM but my sn is eatapasty. I hope i helped you
<33 melissa
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Wow. I've been married 31 years and I know if you
are feeling like this after being married so long it is serious.
The pictures would have done it for me. Staying after that had to be difficult. If you really want to try it again with this guy I think you will need some counselling. He needs to go to AA and clean up his act.
If you're just sick and tired of trying, I can understand that too. You have certainly put up with enough crap already. Don't stay for the wrong reasons because life is just to short.
You are not being over dramatic. Don't worry about that. Do whats going to make YOU happy for a change and the heck with what everyone else thinks. :)
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You are not being dramatic. Your husband needs to change and show you that he really loves you, or you need to tell your family what has happened, or you need to let him go. I imagine you are hurt deeply by the things that have happened, and it doesn't sound like you love each-other anymore. The phone thing, in my opinion, was not a huge mistake, just a habit. But you don't deserve to have your intimate pictures posted for all to see. You don't deserve to be miserable in marriage, either. Just do what is best for you.
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hi mz R, your stoty is crazy and i bow down to you to be as strong as you are because alot of women would have been ran away from the problem but you didnt. I can understand you wanting to save your marriage but my concern is dont lose your self tyring to save someone else. you want to keep it working for your children but your children needs you to be here haplly and healty and i know you probably heard this times before but stress kill. What can you do for your kids if your not here. If your not happy there no reason to prented to be get out of it.Your husband keeps sayin this time or next time dont let it be a b=next time your not happy. and GOD is good so hell make a way for you to make it without your husband. You just have to beleive in it. This is your life and you have to live for your children so what ever you decide make for all of you.
I wish you the best
Jazzy**
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Dear Mx.R.
You have a very compelling story, and I think you are not the only one out there struggling to save your marriage!
You are not disrespecting yourself, or being dramatic!
This is life!
The fact that you have spent many years of your life, trying to "fix" the problem, really makes you a survivor. You were obviously trying to do this for your kids and for the marriage sake; and that is may be great, but unfortunately it is not healthy for you and your children.
You need to confront your husband about his problems, alcoholism, porn and infidelity!
If you never really confront him, and just tried to go "gentle" and easy on him, he would not feel the need to make changes in his life.
The person needs to feel strong reasoning to make changes in his life; even if the rest of the world feels the same way, your husband may not see (or doesn’t want to see) the issues he has as a problem.
It is really hard to imagine your life on your own, taking care of yourself and the kids; you need a plan for yourself and the kids, where you can feel more independent to take care of your family!
You are not happy, and it’s probably robes of on your kids as well! When should you be happy?
Life is passing us by, and we do not realize that we spent the best years of our life with never really enjoying it!
If your husband wants to have a "normal" family, and make changes, he needs to show you that he wants it as much as you do!
You've heard of the saying, it takes two to tango, so you can not be doing this all by yourself! The marriage is hard enough as it is!
You have the right to be happy!
Also, I do not want to be bias, so I think if you confront your husband, you also need to find out what makes him happy, and what makes him do the things that he does? Is the drinking and porn a part of some kind of escape he is looking for from some things that may be bothering him?
Communication is the key here!
Good luck!
Thanks,
Tanya
Dating Advice Web Site Coach
<a href="[Link](Mouse over link to see full location) advice web site</a>
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First your family has put you in a bad position. They are not the ones living in this situation day by day. He keeps promising to change but has he followed through? Has he sought help for his alcoholism? Is he being more fiscally responsible? As someone who works with youth and families on a daily basis I see how sometimes the best thing for a family is divorce. At the end of the day only you can make this decision but having a mother who is angry and depressed is not good for your children, nor is seeing you unhappy.
In your vows he also promised to take care of you if he isn't holding up his end of the bargain then why should hold up yours?
If you are intent on trying to make this work have you thought of marriage counselling, at least if you make that effort your family will know that you have tried everything to save your marriage.
Hope this helps, Good Luck to you...BE STRONG
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First i want you to know, that you are not be at all disrepestful to your self, nor dramatic. Personally, if i had found out that my significant other was selling pictures of me on the internet, i would have broken it off right there. But i think you did a good thing in trying to make it work.
What you need to do, is first sit down with your family, and explain your side of things. Hopefully that will make them understand where your coming from.
Because your with him right now, and your not happy, you should consider getting a divorce. Part of the vow you took, was meant for you both to be happy, not just for one person to be able to do whatever they want, and for the other one to have to suffer. Its not fair that your being loaded down with everything.
I think that you've done everything you can to try to make your marrige work. If you still think you love him, then by all means stay, but if you feel like your just with him, because you dont know if you have anywhere else to go, then thats a relationship you want out of.
I really hope that this all works out for you!
love,
~Melissa~
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