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Is he abusing or am I accusing?
Well here is my problem.
I'm eighteen years old. I have a really awesome boyfriend. Prior to our relationship we were best friends so everything is sort of honkey dorey there.
We'll call him "Todd" Well, Todd recently moved out of his parents house.
He got a job at a factory and a car dealership. Aside from the fact that he has no time to spend with me now, he has no car because he can't afford one at the moment.
Now I have no problem helping him out, and neither does my family.
Then Todd started carpooling with my sister to work (they work at the same place).
Now really I have no problem with that either. But now, he comes over to my house, opens the refridgerator gets something to eat, my mother packs him and my sister a lunch, he uses the phone with out asking, and the internet. My dad dotes on Todd; Todd sometimes asks if my dad can pick him up, my mother takes him to go get his paycheck, and now he's using my sisters car during the day!
I feel a little used!! I have never asked his parents for anything much less really visited with them.
I know he needs to get on his feet, but this is making me very upset. He knew that when he moved out of his parents home that he would be trying to make it on his own and now he's just overtaking my family it seems.
I don't neccesiarly want him to walk all over town, but come on he knew the stakes when he moved out.
My parents are charmed by Todd, my mom says "Well it's normal for the boyfriend to be closer to the girl's family.." but I am feeling used and abused. He hardly gives me any attention anymore yet he feels it's OK to do this with my family.
Am I over reacting? I don't think it's fair at all.
How do I discuss this with him without hurting his feelings or making it an arguement. I care deeply about him, but this has got to stop.
Thank you
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Dear Feeling Used,
Hey, it's no wonder you feel used...it appears that he is using you and your family! Listen, sit the fellow down and tell him exactly how you are feeling, and WHY.
As for hurting his feelings--it doesn't sound like he's very sensitive, so I doubt you'll have to worry about this. And, if he does get offended, just remember, he needs to hear from you why you feel he's "taking your family over." Spell it out for him and let him struggle with it a bit...it won't kill him!
Not being honest with him will only add fuel to the fire, and you'll end up feeling even more resentful. Get down to the nitty gritty with the issue at hand and you'll be glad you did in the long run!
I wish you well,
Earth Mother
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ok well.. you are NOT over reacting at all... he does need to get on his feet... maybe... you should start with asking him to spend more time with you.. and then work you way up to asking yuor parents if they can get you two an apartment.
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hey, nope your not over-racting at all! i would have a talk about it with him and your family. mayeb talk to your family about finding him an apartment and finding used old cars too. cait♥
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your not over-reacting.. if i was you i would feel used too... it's idiotic that he is acting like it's his house.. && if he's going to do taht .. then he should at least give you some attention..! i advise you to talk to him about it.. and see what he thinks about the sitiuation and ask him why he's not give you attention etc. hope i helped =]
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You are not overeacting, this is one of the oddest situations I have ever heard. He sounds like he is totally using your family and they couldn't care less. It is totally unheard of for him to use your sister's car. And as for all the other stuff...if it was just once then ok, if he offered money to your family then maybe....but this is very out of hand. Don't look to your parents for help, they obviously are far too nice for their own good. Tell him, straight up, that he needs to get his on car and stop using your family. He must ask to eat your food and use your internet. I don't know how you can have any respect for a man who can't do anything for himself, that would be an enormous turn off for me. I would have broken it off, and then let him start to take care of himself. Seriously, this is a major warning sign. Is he going to expect someone to support him and bail him out when he isn't financially stable all his life?
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I find in cases like this the best thing to do is write down your feelings and then pick out the kernel of truth hidden among the irritation and anger.
From your question here's the truth I found:
"He knew that when he moved out of his parents home that he would be trying to make it on his own..."
He's not trying to make it on his own; he is still acting like a teenager and has cast your family in the role of his own. This isn’t acceptable for a few reasons, firstly being he is robbing himself of the experience of being independent and becoming an adult. As long as he relies on your family so heavily, like a child would, he remains a child and cannot be an equal.
Yes, young adults who move out do need some support, so my question is: Is there a reason he can't ask his family for this sort of support in getting started? If there are broken relationships there, this is not the time to be stubborn and prideful; this is the time to mend those relationships as a mature adult.
Yes, you are annoyed and feeling used, but there isn't much you can do about your family if they are willing to help him. You might try to explain to them, that like making a child wait for the bus alone or clean thier own room, your boyfriend is ready for more responsiblity then they are giving him. But I think it's far more important you speak to your boyfriend and appeal to his dignity. If he said he wanted to grow up and be self-sufficient, point out he isn’t achieving that. Also explain to him that you are feeling like there is no ‘couple’ time anymore, it’s just the two of you and your family.
Try to stay calm and not to cry or shout or bring up all the little things that annoy you. DO NOT go through in detail every lunch he’s ever been given and every call he’s every made. Focus on the big picture. Even if you do that this is going to hurt his feelings; it might even turn into an argument, but it’s is an argument the two of you need to have. You can’t be in a relationship where you carry this much resentment, and he can’t rely on your family for support for ever, especially not if his relationship with you turns sour.
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