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BDSM Culture Clash
So, my partner's parents/family have 'seen the bruises' and now think I'm some vest-wearing wifebeater and have 'warned me'.
How on earth do I tactfully explain what's really going on before I get the rozzers called on me?
I don't think they'll appreciate the honest truth about what their 'little princess' likes in bed somehow...
>.<
Awful and delicate situation, help!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You should be aware that the way you are treating your partner in and out of bed affects your relationship not only with one another, but with her family as well. If your girlfriend is adult enough (and she had better be over 18yrs old) to decide she wants very rough sex, than she is old enough to tell her parents herself. Why should you have to explain for her? You are probably right about her family not approving of the physical abuse you say she enjoys. She had better convince them herself, but don't expect the welcome wagon. It would be unlikely to expect rational loving parents to view you as anything other than abusive. Does the abuse stop in the bedroom? Sex is reflective of the health or lack of health in the individual and the relationship. Why are you referring to the woman you are with as their 'little princess?' Is the sarcasm your way of saying that she is better off with some guy who will rough her up than a prince? Would you approve of your sister, mother or daughter being with a male who found violent sex desireable. I would find it hard to believe that you totally value and respect this woman, and her family will agree. If you cared about her beyond her being a sexual ragdoll, than you would not have created this situation for either of you. Don't tell me she likes it, again. So what if she does, it does not change the fact that YOU enjoy hurting women, and that is abusive behavior.
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Haha I can see this going down.
"Have you been beating my daughter?"
'In so many ways..'
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I hate to say this, but I had exactly the same problem. (I hate to say this because I have a friend on this site who will probably be laughing her arse off right now). Firstly I can definately say that your partners parents/family will believe NOTHING you tell them. Lying will make it worse, as will telling the truth probably. The only was out is really to let your partner do the talking as any defence/excuse from you will be seen either as an outright lie or as an exaggeration to cover you arse.
Probably your partner won't be too pleased with your solution as confronting parents about your sexual tastes is unlikely to be a barrel of laughs. The only solace is that she doesn't really need to go into any detail whatsoever- merely hinting that the marks in question are remnants of her sexual activities will probably stop all questions and remarks. To be honest, its only the parents you have to convince, as any other family member will probably go to them before making an 'intervention.'
I suggest you start with the mother. It will be MUCH easier for your partner to steer the conversation and her mum will be less likely to pursue the questioning in my opinion. And also her dad might decide to beat the snot out of you regardless- he will never stop seeing his daughter as a 'little princess' so its best to stay away from that whole are entirely.
Stuff like this is a bummer. Hope it works out and remember, it's embarassing but it's your life, so stuff what the fogeys think.
Stay safe.
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You need to talk openly and honestly with your partner. If she doesn't wish for her parents to know her sexual leaning, then you can't do anything more than keep quiet and hope that you don't get pestered.
I think it would be much more healthy and open for you to talk to them TOGETHER. If she tells them herself, then they might think it is just her trying to defend a man who is abusing her. If you tell them yourself, they may not believe you, and may still think that you are abusing her.
I think a joint stance is the best idea. Talk through it honestly. Yes it's cringeworthy, but you're both adults and your sexual preferences really aren't any of their business.
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I've had questions directed towards me for some bruising that was seen by a family member. Most of the time, my better half and I don't even play to the point where there are bruises, it was just one of those days, I guess. I shrugged it off and they let it go. I was non-chalant about it, I think that was the key to them moving on. I suppose we're under more scrutiny than we were, but we don't have much contact with my people anymore.
With his job and our nosey neighbors, we need to be careful about most markings, unfortunately. We just try to be careful about where we focus our energies so we can be careful about where the bruises lie.
To me, it's all voluntary, we have safe gestures (we've never done words, we just tap out), and we would never involve any inncocent bystanders. How is it anyone's business what we do?
Good luck,
Play safe,
bound
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Dear Clash,
I know what you mean, this happened to me when my gf and I moved in together years ago. They saw a bruise on her side when she was wearing a tank top and her father confronted me like your situation. If you live together invite them over (this is what I did) and I had a paddle and whip placed in two visible places so that her parents would see them and when we were close enough I gently said sometimes you gotta spice it up. After that they got what the bruises were from. You could try that or if you aren't separate talk to your girl and let her know her parents curiosity and when we talked with them we let them know there is no abuse but tactfull experimentation.
Christopher Lee Espinoza
Ps: Hope this helps, I know the situation to well and how hard it is to convince people of the truth
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Delicate, indeed. I don't know about all this other advice about falling down stairs and whatnot. As a parent, that would raise my suspicions even more. I DO agree that it is up to your partner to defend you. Who knows how that will pan out, but I see no other way than telling the parents this is a personal, private thing that you two share behind closed doors. Leave it at that and let it go. I doubt they're totally living in the dark, even the most naive can pick up at a hint like that. They just want to ensure safety. But do talk with your partner regarding this, it's not something you should have to do by yourself.
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"It's OK, I'm not a wife beater, she just likes it rough!"
I can imagine this going down too well...!
Ask her to tell her parents and family that you havn't abused her. Its up to her to defend you. You could ask her to tell them she fell down some stairs or got in a fight at school... if you want to lie. I think she should have been a bit more careful, worn long-sleeved tops etc!
However they'll now be on the lookout. Make sure she doesn't get bruised anywhere noticable in the near future, or resort to less branding tactics in the bedroom. Hot wax?
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BDSM,
Hm, that is a toughie. Obviously, you cant talk about their "little princess," but you need a way out. Just go with the old, 'I have no idea where they came from,' etc etc.
-Becky
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Talk to their "litle princess". If you're truly not abusing her (which i belive because you wouldn't have asked otherwise) then the ball's in her court to defend you. ain't no shame.
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