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Let's see someone try to solve this problem (Male; 21)
Background for reference. Disregard it if you only want to read the problem:
I met Ashley at Sam Goody. She kind of followed me around and talked to me a lot. Gave me hugs and flirted at random times. At first it was a little odd, she just seemed like a kid with a crush and I wasn't interested in the least. She quits work and I don't see her for the better part of that year. I don't miss her.
I see her working at a grocery store later on. She doesn't seem quite as interested in me, but she's still incredibly flirtacious. I eventually develop a big crush on her. I ask her out on a date, but what was implied was that her parents wouldn't approve. She was turning 18 later on this year before I turned 21, but the 20-17 year old age gap was too much for them. Shortly after, I pretty much lose the romantic feelings I have for her. They're replaced with pity, from the terrible things I find out happened to her (from someone who knows us both). Before five days ago, we never really talk much outside of her workplace.
What's key to know for the problem:
Sunday (five days ago). She gives me her new number and invites me to her new place that night. While there, I listen to her complain about her now ex boyfriend and how she isn't over him. He used her for sex after he dumped her, then left without saying a word.
Tuesday. I text her asking if she feels like doing anything that day. She said, "I made a huge mistake. Shannin called and asked to see me and I said yes." I told her she can use plans with me as an excuse to not see him if she feels she shouldn't, and that I didn't think she shouldn't see someone who recently used her. She says, "Thanks. I know I'm really stupid but I just still love him so much"
She calls me later that night, crying from what happened earlier. I asked her if she needed me to come over and she said she wouldn't be much of a host since she would just be crying, but she could use the company.
It takes me a little while to get there, and when I do no one answers the door. I walk in and find her in a room with depressing music playing. She has a blade in her right hand and her left arm is covered in blood. She cries to me telling me how stupid she is and how it seems she can't learn from her mistakes. I try to comfort her I tell her how common such a thing is and turn off her music. I have her choose from a few different movies I brought over and we watch one that is now one of her favorites. She says that she feels a little better now and asks me to hang out with her the next day.
Wednesday. We start hanging out in the late morning. We watch a few things and talk. I learn some things about her past, distant and recent, that don't reflect well on her, for instance, she's capable of stealing. We go out to eat and to a few different places, an overall good time despite my being quiet from drowsiness. I leave to give my mother a ride home from work, and she asks me if I'm coming back afterwards. She said she would like it if I did.
After I come back, we go to her father's place to watch a movie (her father's working on her house) and so she can check stuff online. I get a quick glance at what she types in an e-mail. It read, "...heart broken again...feel like maybe I should just kill myself..." An exaggeration of her recent mood, but it still alarms me. I ended up staying with her until she was almost falling asleep after midnight again.
My problem: I've been noticing a list of things I don't like about Ashley, but the biggest thing in that list is the fact that I now have feelings for her again (spending over 12 hours with someone and you'll know how you feel about them after you leave). It might be stronger feelings than before, since I can't get her out of my head. I can't date her because no matter what she feels for me, which probably isn't more than friendship, she still is so caught up with and damaged from her ex that she's thinking about suicide. No good can come from having feelings for someone like this.
I desperately want to help her. I haven't been getting more than a couple of hours of sleep a night worrying about her. In the past, I've tried to help friends (all female) by trying to convince them they shouldn't make mistakes like this, which lead to arguments. They end with them being pissed at me, then making the mistake anyway. I've learned it's better to just give your advice/opinion once and hope they'll listen to it. If they make the mistake, they make the mistake.
The thing is, I don't think she can afford to make this mistake again. I can't tell her not to, it's her life, her business. I already told her how I felt about everything. My best friend thinks I should stay away from her, and she might be right, but I can't turn my back on her when just spending time with her seems to cheer her up a little, especially since now I care for her more than I would a friend. I considered trying to convince her to see someone about this, but I know from experience that, despite the good intentions, it will driver her away. I can't afford that since it seems like I'm one of the very few things kind of helping her. I know for a fact that she would go back to this guy, and I don't want that to happen. It could literally kill her. So what can I do? How can I help her past this?
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As you know, Ashley needs professional help, and you aren't it. You sound like a sweet guy, but the truth is that Ashley's biggest problem is Ashley, not her ex-boyfriend. If you want to be a friend, fine, but you can't be her savior. The problem with being a friend to someone like Ashley is that she'll suck you dry and once you can't give anymore she'll move on to someone else. Here's another thing to ponder, although your presence brings her some degree of cheer, it isn't enough to change her behavior. You could spend all day with her for weeks and with one short visit from her ex, she's sitting on her bed again with a knife. The outcome is the same. I hope she is able to get some professional help and turn her life around, but I wouldn't bet on it.
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Yeah, that's not a good situation to get yourself into, or to stay in. It's always nice to have a positive additude like "Itz_your_luckee_day" but that isn't really logical.
You can't really spend all of your time worrying about someone as unstable as she seems to be. It would be better if she had a female friend that she could turn to. Although your one of the few things that seems to help her, and she's most likely going to gain feelings for you if you continue to help her, it would be much better for her in this kind of situation if she had a non-love interest to depend on to help her through this.
She obviously needs to learn to be alone, considering that she can't be alone, even if it means being used by this guy. She isn't going to learn to be alone if she moved from depending on her ex for companionship to depending on you for companionship.
Don't you have mutual friends (this is one of the girls from the party, right) maybe they could help you with this one. Or, maybe there's a way for you to set her up with professional help (or someone else) in some way without her actually realizing that your trying to find someone to "fix" her, which, you say would only push her away and into her ex's arms.
It's also possible that her ex doesn't actually realize what he's doing to her. In that case, have you ever thought about going to him? It's could be possible that he doens't realize that him using her is hurting her as much as it is. But, I would be careful about that one since he might tell her that you talked to him, and she could get mad at you anyway. If that does happen, then explain to her that your just trying to help her and stick up for her... she'll either understand, or get pissed and understand later on... hopefully.
But, in the meantime, if you keep going the way that your going, your most likely going to eventually just get sick of her and she will become a burden to you. It will also suck you in so that you can't get anything in YOUR life done, which you also need to focus on.
good luck with it all
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I agree with younggrandma she sounds like a really mixed up person and it is honorable of you to be there for her when she probably needs someone the most right now but the best thing you could probably do is direct her to a therapist or maybe a suicide prevention hotline. She could have actually suceeded in her attept to commit suicide so good for you for being there, but from what it sounds, she could probably benefit from a professional.
You are a good person with a big heart. Not enough of you out there.
oxox A
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i just want to give you my sympathy first of all, this is a huge thing going on in your life and i understand the confusion you must be experiencing.
of course this is only an opinion but i really believe staying with her and helping her will help her get over the whole drama. i understand how much she loves this guy, but i notice you are a person who would never use her like that and who she is perfectly capable of loving right? It's hard to forgive someone and you're there for her every step of the way. If you continue to be there she will recover and I believe she will finally be able to get over her ex once and for all... then guess whos left for her to love? you of course, it's almost logical really. if you not only help her feel better but help her *get over it* then she'll be healed and be able to see what a strong heart you have and how much you've been there for her. what you've done is just amazing! it's only natural for you to worry but just think how you could be saving her life. i know you aren't a doctor or anything but instead of suggesting special therapy why don't you be her therapy? give her advice, comfort, and the love you have for her.. yes its risky but isn't all love? i definitely say go for it. sorry your responses or condracting, just follow your heart and pray about it.*** good luck, i hope everything works out, and take no offense if you're not a believer but have faith in God, ask Him for help that's why He's there!
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thats a tough problem. i say if you like her alot that your presense around her keeps her happy then your giving her life everytime you see her. thats the greatest gift of all. one day she will thank you for all of that. even if she doesnt love you now she will later. you cant be around someone that much that cares for you and takes care of you and not begin to love them. see love has to be earned and made. it isnt an instant thing. just love her and never think of her as a burden... love is a burden in itself. love isnt easy. just do what you think you can for her. love isnt just a four letter word. its an emotion and cure. maybe all she needs is someone to really love her. hope i helped yah out.
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I will tell you up front that I agree with your best friend! I also understand your wanting to help a friend out.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't save a person from themselves.
Ashley sounds as if she may be depressed. Most people who talk of suicide or who cut themselves are. That's where you need to start. Get rid of those suicidal tendencies.
If there is a free clinic or health department in your area, you might want to make a call and see if they have any help available in your area for those who can't afford it. She may be able to get a Dr to see her and get her on some medication for depression at least.
If she has been abused by her father in the past she may need some therapy at some point. That may be something to research for future reference too. Some cities do have free or greatly reduced cost help available.
I think you should try and get her back into seeing and going out with friends as soon as you can.
It will be very easy for her to become dependent on you. If you are sure there is no future romance there...you don't want that. In the long run it would only make the problem worse. That is the main reason I have to agree with your best friends advice to stay away.
It sounds to me like you are already doing about all you can. Be there as a friend. Listen to her and encourage her to talk about it. Bolster her self esteem, she may not think herself capable of having a relationship with anyone but the ex.
Most break ups just take time to get over. She needs to stay clear away from her ex until the feelings she has for him aren't as strong.
Right now he will take advantage of her feelings to use her when it suits him. He knows very well how to get to her emotionally. She needs to realize, if she doesn't already, that this is what he is doing.
I'm sure she thinks that by giving in to him she can get him back...that isn't always how it works the majority of the time.
If in the end she goes back to her ex, know you have done all you can and let it go. It will be hard to do but some people just refuse to learn from past mistakes. All the talking and helping in the world can't save them. :)
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