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Friend always in need
I have a friend (24/f) that constantly asks me for advice. At first, I was flattered that she trusted my judgement. However, now it has got to the point that she calls me for every little thing going on in her life. She seems incapable of making any decision on her own, even if it's a small decision. One day, she actually called from the store to ask what toothpaste to buy. When she calls, she expects me to drop everything and help her figure out a solution for her problem.
She also seems to trust only my advice. At one point, she called me with a medical concern. While I have worked in health care, I am not a doctor. I told her I didn't feel like I was qualified to answer her question and that she should see her doctor. She refused to see the doctor and said that only I could figure it out.
I hate to be rude to her since she's always been there for me. She was one of the few people that stood beside me when I fled an abusive relationship. Almost everyone else in my life thought I was crazy for leaving what they saw as a great guy. She offered me money and a place to stay until I got on my feet and could make it on my own again.
I've tried telling her that I'm busy and not always able to take her calls, but it seems to have no effect. I'm also worried that her inability to make a decision on her own could have an effect on her life and health. As much as I want to be there for her when she needs me, I can't sit by the phone all day and I'm not always qualified to help her. Any suggestions?
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I just left a "friendship" like this recently myself. I understand that you are grateful for her support through a difficult time in your life. However, that does not entitle her to constantly seek your attention/advice. People like your friend are draining and too needy. They are using the friendship to blackmail you into meeting their endless and selfish needs. If she pulls a guilt trip on you that she was "there for you" tell her, 'Yes, you were there for me and I will always be grateful to you. You have helped me to heal and grow. Now, I want you to heal and grow and I feel that you can't do this when you are sooooo dependent on me for every little thing." After stating this......DO NOT take her phone calls. Avoid her....cut her off. She is trying to manipulate you and worm her way into every moment of your life. It makes her happy, but makes you miserable and frustrated. I know how hard this can be, but recently, (on January 3rd), I had to tell someone, "You need more from this friendship than I can give to you and you make me feel uncomfortable when you keep calling and calling. Please respect MY feelings and stop calling so much." Do you know what happened? This other person had the nerve to tell me that if I were a Christian, as I professed, that I would give her a 2nd chance, because she needed the friendship. I replied, "I am a Christian, I forgive you for anything in the past, and I do not want to be a part of your future. I do not need this friendship. Please respect MY feelings." I found out that other people had the same problem with this person and she hounded them until THEY could not take it either. It was hard, but she went away and I DO NOT miss her. You need to take care of yourself and let this mental leech go.......you do not "owe" her anything. Manipulative people are self centered and there is no place for them in your life. It will be hard, but it will make you feel at ease and you won't dread answering the phone!
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It is worrisome that she has become so dependent on you. Often, when people are this dependent on you, there is a profound hole in their lives such as loneliness or emotional trauma (past or present). You are meeting her needs temporarily, thus she reaches out to you. Yet, it is not healthy for her to depend only on you, and her need is so great that you cannot completely fill the hole in her life.
First, decide how much time and help you can give to this friend. Then ask to meet with her.
Ask her if something has happened in her life recently that has made her upset. Gently tell her that you're concerned that she seems so dependent on you. Suggest that perhaps something is bothering her. Suggest that perhaps she should talk to a counselor. Offer to help her make an appointment and take her there.
Then, tell her what you have decided that you can give to her. Tell her that this is your limit, as gently as you can, and stick to it.
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i think that you should just sit her down and talk to her about it, nd tell her that your not always capable of answering her questions and that sometimes you might be wrong..also tell her that your not always going to be there because what if something happens to you and than how will she live her own life without makin decisions on her own, but dont be rude about it just talk to her nicely..hope it works out,
[♥]DiNA
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Instead of giving her advice, try encouraging her to make her own decision instead.
If she asks you to choose between two things, don't choose. Ask what she would choose.
The tooth paste question for example - Instead of giving her a brand name, tell her she is fully capabale of choosing one herself. Tell her to read the lables if she is unsure and remind her not to stress, it's just tooth paste.
The medical question: Put her in your shoes, I'd say - "If I were you, I'd see the doctor, because I don't know the answer either."
Stop giving her all the answers - instead give her solutions to find the answers herself.
And remember, you don't always have to answer the phone.
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this is touchy, i know because my best friend is the same way. shes also done alot for me, so you dont want to hurt thier feelings, but at the same time you cant always be there.my advise is that your going to have to tell her how you feel, tactfully, but perhaps a little more clearly. you might start with the positive, such as you know i really care for you,i appreciate everything youve done for me, and im going to be here for you, but....you gotta stop calling for me to make every little decision for you, i dont think its healthy,be clear about how you really feel, but speak calmly, and friendly. follow thrugh when she calls or needs help with a real problem, be there and help if you can, if not direct her(as you did) to who can, and if its about toothpaste or some other silly thing, say in a light manner, sorry hun, your gonna have to take that one on your own.this should help her to back off without feeling pushed away, however hard as it is, if she doesent, an you cant tolerate it, you may have to end the friendship.hopefully it wont come to that. good luck!
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