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Friend(-ish) with a newly dead mother
13/m. I'm sorry if this is kind of long. you see, I have this sort-of friend: she's in all of my classes except for one, so we talk a lot. She makes fun of me sometimes, but I really don't think she means it, because things are regular again by next period. I kind of like her, but not really. And the acts as though she likes me sometimes. But, I really don't want anything to happen between us, since I've already made my New Year's resolution to get this one particular girl to like me.
So anyway, that girl, let's call her Jane, her mom died two weeks ago. I've never had to sit through a death before---I'm lucky enough that nobody in my family has ever died. And the only time anyone's parent has died other than Jane's is in 2nd grade, when I couldn't really grasp the meaning of death.
In all our classes two weeks ago, we were just talking about death and stuff. It was really depressing. In one class, things got so deep that half the class was crying. I myself was in tears, as I nearly am recalling this. But not because I knew and missed Jane's mother. Not because it reminded me of a dead relative that I had. Because I could finally grasp the meaning of death.
So, everyone's really depressed now, and she got to miss school two weeks ago the whole week---I would want to, if my parents had died. She's coming back on Tuesday, when vacation ends. One Thursday and Friday, all her teachers---which meant all my teachers except for one---received e-mails from her dad saying that we shouldn't talk about this "event" unless Jane brings it up first. But me, I'm a really shy person, and not having experience with anything like this, I'm probably gonna feel really awkward talking to her. I won't know what to say. I'm sure of it, it happens to me all the time. Whenever something goes wrong with anybody, I never know what to say. I don't really want to say anything like "we're right behind you" or "we got your back", because however true it may be, it may or may not give the impression that I like her.
So, I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is that I'd feel awkward talking to her. I could've just said "i have a sort of frend whos mom died what to i do" but I feel that I can get a more personal answer if you have some background information. I will probably rate you. Smartasses get reported. Thank you, school starts again on Tuesday!!!
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You are lucky to not have anyone in your family die. If you like her as a friend or more then a friend either way you should still say something sweet. I think that you should tell her you are supporting her she will most likely like that. I am a girl and when my grandpa died i had a friend just like you and he said that and i felt better about everything like everyone really was supporting me and that is very important. Come up with maybe something else to say but unless she has a real big sense of humor then don't try to cheer her up with jokes or stories. She just needs time. Hope that helped if so or if not email me at gossipgirl_2882@hotmail.com so i know what i am doing right or am really good at!!!!!!
-Gossip_Girl-
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ok dont say that i kno what your going threw cause you dont people dont really lke to talk about something so dont say anything that would remind her dont say alot but say how was your vacation and smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dont frown dont show a weak side because it maybe that see needs you to be the stroung one cause at the moment she cnat be so be the stroung it mabe hard but yo have to cause if you cry shes ganna be weak AND if shes acting like nothing happend somthings wroung so talk to her about her mother but f shes ll depressed remind of good times NOT WIHT HER MOM and its totally ok that its long idontmind atal
i so sorry
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love love love love .::katie::.
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Dear Mr.Dont know what to do,
Your 13 and its ok to not know what shes going threw. Honestly i think you should write her a letter. You can get out anything you need to say to her. I had a hard time figureing out if you liked her or not but if you do then you should tell her. In the letter you might want to include (I'm a really shy person, and not having experience with anything like this, I'm probably gonna feel really awkward talking to her. I won't know what to say. I'm sure of it, it happens to me all the time. Whenever something goes wrong with anybody, I never know what to say.)SOMEThing like that. If you write her a letter ..EVEN if you dont know what to say..OR how to deal with things..IT will show her you care and let her know that your there for her. As a friend, a class mate, and someone that possibly likes her You need to be there for her, weather you know what to say or not. Because loosing someone close to you is probaley the hardest thing anyone could go threw.
ps...if you need help with letter or anything eles PLEASE fill free to go to my page and ask another question or leave me a message in inbox.
<3 spoiledandtoxic
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Dear reader,
I know what you mean about not wanting to talk to her. It is kind of awkward. In second grade my best friends dad died. I didnt understand fully but it still upset me.I talked to her but i didnt bring it up . all i told her is that if she needed to talk i was here for her. She did talk to me once but it was quick. I think you should try to just be her friend. Mabe she was mean to you because of the problems with her mother if she was sick... I think even if your not truely friends you should still be there for her. Shes going thorugh a ruff time and needs a friend. just be her friend, maybe eat with her at lunch, help her study be her friend. If shes mean to you just wlak away and atleast you'll no you tried.
Good Luck!!
Sincerley, your helper
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I think Jane will need all the friends she can get to help her get her life back as normal as it can get without her mom.
You can be friends with a girl and not want to be her boyfriend. I think if you do like this girl then you should be able to be her friend without her getting the wrong idea.
Maybe once things are back to normal she can even help you achieve your goals with the girl you DO want to be your girlfriend. Girls can be pretty good at giving you advice now and then. :)
If she brings up the subject of her mom, just tell her you heard and really feel bad about it. If she wants to talk about it then don't back away from it. She will mostly just want someone to listen anyway. You won't say the wrong thing. Just don't hold back for fear she will take it the wrong way. You can't just not be friends with other girls because you have your heart set on another...that's ignoring a good deal of the population. :)
Good luck to you.
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Everyone deals with death differently. Her dad probably knows her best, and his attempts to keep her shielded from confrontation about her mother's death probably hint towards extreme sensitivity about it at the present time. Can you blame her?
Just be extra careful of what you say. Don't bring up anything about mothers, parents, older women, whatever caused her mother to die, etc. Some things you can't help, like if you say something that reminds her of her mother--such as talking about perfumes or shampoos, that sort of thing. Just be careful about what you say.
Eventually, she'll come slowly back to normal. Make sure she knows you're there for her. If she needs comfort, comfort her. Be her friend, and a shoulder to cry on. She'll appreciate it probably more than words can say.
Don't be concerned about the whole letting-her-know-you-like-her thing right now, she needs some time to herself and her family.
Be a friend; she needs one right now.
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How about saying to her, I'm happy to see you, how are you doing? If she says ok. or is just kind of quiet, mention that you can probably help catch her up on class or something since she was out, or if she needs anyone to talk to that you are around. Sometimes, talking to someone about normal stuff right after something so important happens feels kind of like a crazy thing to do, but often that is what that person needs. They have been through a lot and they probably just want to start feeling 'normal' again about certain parts of their life like school. I bet you can help her ease back in by talking to her like she is just a nice girl that you like, not that she is a nice girl whose mom just died.
Good luck. I hope that helps you. Keep me posted.
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ok first and formost ok....what kind of problem is that.."i have a friend her mom died i like her but i dont"ok your friends mom died...forget you'r shyness forget the world ok all tht matters now is her ..when i had dead relatives i had my friends behind me they didnt have to say it they showed it by being with me all the time makin me laugh.....the last thing she needs is pity of by the way i hope she doesnt know bout this site...for ur sake...and if this girl does like you try not to hurt her worse then she already does feel...just dont lead her the wrong way ....laughter is mainly the cure for this situation because shell just get depressed if she desnt find some friends behind her that are funny and not boring...yeah tht bout it ..you shouldve figured this out by urself u shouldnt need advice on how to be a friend
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Hhm. Well, first off, I'm so sorry about your friends mom. but uhmm. A longlonglonglong Time ago, My friends dad died, and i kinda asked her about her dad.. and she got upset. but just try to keep your mind off the subject. and play it off. idk, you see, i've never really experienced a death with my family, close that is, i mean people are dying every day.. but yeah.
& it kinda also depends on if she was really close to her mom, you know?.
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