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Am I wrong in feeling so upset?
I'll try and condense this. There's been this guy who I've been chatting to online for years (nearly 3) and we are really, really close and truly do love each other. We are planning to meet soon as well.
But here's my dilemma. He was going on today about some girl who he is really worried about because a guy has been pestering her. He was asking me what to do about it and kept going on about how he thought the guy was objectifying her and she deserved someone great. I finally asked him whether he liked her and he confessed he does have a bit of a thing for her. This is not the first time this has happened either - 6 months ago he liked another girl and it started lots of problems for us. Then he thought he was just confused and it wasn't really a crush at all.
I can't help but think that he would drop me in a heartbeat if a girl liked him back in real life. The other girl he liked told him she didn't like him, and this one doesn't seem to either. I feel somehow I'm just there as a backup. Do you guys think I'm being paranoid? I know we aren't together and I'm really not usually so defensive - I encourage him to have female friends! But I feel really torn up inside over the fact that he likes this girl when he tells me every night that he loves ME. I understand that guys are always going to be attracted to girls even with they are with someone else, but it's really depressing me and I don't know what to do. Should I say something to him? Am I justified in feeling this way? Is it alright for him to do this?
Thanks a lot for your help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You aren't really justified in saying anything to him in the first place. You aren't dating, right? And you've never met him, and the only conversations ya'll have are through the internet and maybe the phone. That's not really a relationship... if he wants to like someone else, that's his choice. True he could love you... but love comes in many shapes and forms... You just have to go with it.
Don't get mad at him just because he likes someone. If you really care about him, you'll let him live his life.
Good luck.
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Answer: I have been in the same boat as you... literally.
I met my ex-boyfriend over the internet. He is from Australia, and I am from America. We were faithful to each other while doing the whole "net" thing. It was very hard, but we pulled through it.
Why is he my ex? Because only when you've been with someone face-to-face, over a long period of time, do you REALLY get to know who they are. My ex and I were physically together for a year and a half. We broke up because the man I met from the internet changed into a real man I no longer loved.
You need to ask him if he really loves you, or if he has feelings for other girls. Because if he truly loves you and wants to be committed to you, he would NOT have feelings for anyone else but you. Love is NOT worrying if he will leave you. Love is having NO DOUBTS.
It takes a certain type of person to have a long-distance relationship. You need to have a long talk with him about committment and goals. Be realistic. Would you be willing to give up your country, friends, family, everything for him? Would he do the same for you?
If you guys decide to be together, it will be very difficult. Ways you guys can be together:
1. Tourist visa. 3 months max, unless you apply for an extension. Even if you receive an extension, you'll probably only receive a year max.
2. Student visa. Only valid while one of you is studying in that country.
3. Work visa. You can only obtain one if the person has a specialized job, and that country is experience a shortage of workers in that field.
4. Fiance visa. You have to get married!
5. Green card. Easier to win the lottery.
Think all these things through before you commit yourself!
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I want to start this off by saying that it is not my intent to hurt your feelings. I am going to ask a few questions that may not feel good to you but my reason for asking them is to help you think about what is going on and figure things out for yourself. (1) How is it that you could be committed to someone that you have never met? The reason for this question is that it is my experience that people aren’t what they seem to be over the phone or especially on line. You really don’t know whom you’ve committed yourself to. Just last week here in Atlanta they arrested a guy who has been communicating with young girls on line. It was a sting operation and he arranged to meet what he thought was a young girl. It was really the police and he was arrested. Just be careful here. Don’t go and meet this person alone. Take some friends with you. Tell your parents about this person and where you are going. (2) How can you be in love with someone you don’t really know? I know you think you know this person because you have been communicating with him on line for nearly 3 years. I can’t stress this enough…people don’t tell the truth on line. I’m not saying that this particular individual isn’t telling the truth, but how do you know that he is? (3) Have you considered the fact that this guy tells you these things about other girls because he wants to get a reaction from you? Some people like to control others by keeping them emotionally off balance. When a person is off balance they don’t think straight and don’t make the best decisions. It could be that he wants to keep you off balance so that you will surely meet him. The idea is this; you are so worried that he wants to be with another girl that he sees daily that you rush to meet him. Your thinking that once the two of you meet everything will be all right. We are back to question one. (4) Why has it taken three years for you two to meet? Could it be that he has been in prison all of this time and he is now getting out? Prisoners have access to computers and can get on line. I know this seems like I’m trying to scare you and you would be right. I don’t want you walking into a situation that is life threatening. (5) How did you two hook up? Under what circumstances on line did you two start communicating? A lot of times people who prey on young people hang out on sites young people hang out on.
Please take a step back and take a few deep breaths. Relax. I’m only saying these things to help you. I could be completely wrong. I could be completely right. We don’t know right now. Whatever the case I would feel better about the whole thing if you were to let someone know what is happening. Especially when and where you two are to meet. Don’t let him take you to some secluded spot alone. Let him know that you are bringing some friends along to meet him. If he doesn’t like this idea than I would turn him in to the authorities. I’m not so sure you shouldn’t do that anyway. If you turn this info into the authorities now they could check him out and you’d be sure he is everything he said he was. I’m just worried about you. If every suspicion of mine is wrong, I still worry about how it is such a sensitive and lovely person such as yourself would feel the need to commit herself to someone she hasn’t met. You should be seeing other boys until you meet this one. Worrying about whether or not this person is attracted to someone else is the least of your worries right now. Take care of yourself. Believe in yourself and know that you are a very special individual who has a lot to offer many people. Enjoy the world around you and the people you see everyday. Don’t let something bother you that you have no control over. Please, please let your parents know what is going on. Give them a copy of my response if you want. Contact the authorities. They will check things out for you. I care about what happens to you. Please keep in touch.
LULABELLE
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Let me start by saying that I do understand how deep emotions can become during an online relationship. But that's always different than the hands on, daily joys and gripes of a face-to-face thing. Because you've not met in real life, there's not the same sort of commitment that might be had if you saw each other at least weekly and had gotten used to each other's physical quirks and behaviours.
Are you a backdrop? I don't know. I think it's interesting that he does tell you when he likes other girls - whatever he is, he appears to be really honest. People will always be attracted to other people, but it's important that you feel secure that his main committment is to you and you only.
However, that's hard to ask of someone when you don't know what they look like when they chew, how they compulsively play with their hair, etc. If you feel you might be dropped if 'something better' comes along, perhaps you should have a conversation with this guy about your fears, worries...and your hopes.
Honesty is huge in ANY relationship, and you are also entitled to your feelings. Why not try having a discussion? After all, if he doesn't know you are upset, then he can't change anything to make you feel better.
I wish you all the best, and if things work out I hope you meet soon!
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It honestly probably wouldn't hurt either of you to date people in the "real world". Make sure what you have is true and going to last.
It is very hard to maintain a long distance relationship if you've never met. Its only real when you are online.
I don't mean to say it isn't real...It is easily forgotten may be more what I meant.
I can understand you being upset about it, I would be. I think once you meet and you become real to each other it will make a big difference.
I am doing a very bad job explaining what I mean today! So, I will give up and hope you get my drift. :)
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It may not be love. I have a crush on a girl and i often think about other girls too. Its normal for boys to do this. Usualy this happens when he feels sorry for a girl or when something reminds him of a girl that he knows. If your still not sure, Try asking him why he is interested in that girl. If he says something like "her beautiful_____" then hes probably in love. Its okay to be upset over this. If my gf started talking about other guys i would be worried too. Good luck ;-)
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