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Set up roommate rules?
I'm 25 and have lived in my own apartment for three years, but I recently met a girl my age who has a house and a spare bedroom and wants a housemate to help with payments, so I'm going to move in with her. She's really cool and we hang out and have gotten to be friends. Here's my question: a few people (my parents, mostly) have told me that any time you're going to live with someone new you should have a set of ground rules that you both work on and agree to... like, what hours it's okay to play loud music, who's going to do dishes when, stuff like that. I told them the idea is silly because we're friends and she's going to think I'm weird and uptight if I propose something like this. If my music is too loud, she can tell me, you know?
So what do you think... should we just go with whatever for a while, or work out an agreement? What sort of stuff should we put on this list of rules if we do it?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Set up roommate rules? You know, this is a great question that you should bubble up to your roommate to be. Be honest with her and let her know that a few people including your parents provided you with some advice in regards setting down rules but that you feel it might not be necessary. I don't think that by setting down some rules you are being weird or uptight. By reaching out to her this way, you are being considerate of the fact that you want to respect the space you both are going to live in. Who knows, she might be thinking the same and don't feel comfortable in asking you either. There is nothing wrong with asking.
Let me know how it goes! Feel free to send me a message to my inbox.
Good Luck!
Blu
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I would say go with whatever. Just do whatever you would normally do and see how that works out. Also tell her if anything is bugging her then ask her to let you know, so you can fix that and try and make things as easy living with each other as possible.
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You don't want to indimidate this girl by making her feel you need rules about every little thing. Nobody wants to feel like they're writing a buisness contract for household chores. That said however, it is a good idea to know what the other party feels about various things like housework, cooking, noise, houseguests, etc. before you move in and these become issues. With things like music, you may think it's obvious that if there isn't a rule she can always say that your music is too loud, but she might feel bad about doing this unless you let her know that it's cool and how you'd prefer to work. You want to aim for a happy medium between rules about everything and you only realising that you have rather different opinions about something one Sunday at 3am when one of you is about to get very annoyed.
Be honest with your new housemate. Say you don't want to be anal and annoying, but you feel it's a good idea to talk about things like chores pre-emptively so that you both understand each other. It doesn't have to be a battle scene where you hash out exactly which chores each of you do and when, it should just be a discussion - after all, you are both on the same side aiming for conflict free living. With other things like music, say as you feel, that you don't think it's necessary to have rules, but that you want her to know she can come and tell you if its bothering her. Good luck!
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True, but this is the way YOU would handle the situation, and she may not feel comfortable telling you up front. She might feel that YOU will think SHE's weird. So, maybe one day, if you guys are hanging out or something, just say something like "Hey, I was thinking, just because I want our friendship to stay strong & this living-together situation to work well, I was wondering if we could maybe think about some stuff that really would annoy you or I that either one of us would do. Pet peeves, ya know?" Say it in a funny way, and maybe she won't take it like you're 'strange', but make sure she knows that you REALLY want an answer. =)
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I would say that you could work like that for a while, but friends or not, you will have your disagreements and it may be a bit easier to lay a couple ground rules. Like younggrandma said below me, how do you feel about opposite sex's sleeping over. Yea, its cool now because you guys are friends but what happens if you are tired and you dont want any visitors one night. Just think a lot about it. Think about your irritated moods and what would drive you nuts. Better doing the rule thing early... then too late. =) Have fun.
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You can probably try it without the list for a while if you want to. There are always things it might be best to ask ahead of time though. Big one is...Do you allow overnight guests of the opposite sex? You should also find out if roomie is a partier. It will be hard to get much done if there is a constant flow of "guests" in your house. :)
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In my experience alot of friends can manage up. Agreeing on these things before hand can sawithout hard and fast rules over music and cleaning and such, especailly when dealing with only two people (last year I lived with nine... don't remind me.)
The important part to have figured out and on paper is how you will split any money that is involved. Groceries, cable or phone bills, rent and any repairs or costs that crop ve you alot of hassle and court apperances.
Even if you don't have set rules, it would probably be good to have a discussion with your friend, does anything really bug her? What about having company or people spend the night? Feel eachother out on the big topics and keep communicating, you'll be fine.
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Lamma - i dont see ne reason to propose rules until they're needed. if you and your friend are living in harmony right now, it doesnt really matter, right? but when problems start arising, like she KEEPS leaving the dishes for you night after night even after you ask, then yes i'd set down some base rules.
and as far as rules i'd just go with the three c's.
chores : dishes, yadda yadda.
comfort : music too loud, lights out time etc.
company : who can be over, until what time, stuff like that.
hope i helped, and feel free to ask a q in the future!
GOod Luck :)
Lamma
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Just sit down with her and ask her how she feels about dishes, company, music, etc. Just tell her that you don't want to disturb her so you would rather know up front so there's not a problem later. Since it is her house she will most likely have final say. Since you said she's cool I don't see where you'll have a problem. Just get the pesky issues out of the way now so there's not a fight later.
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If you don't set down rules, it's probably a good idea to at least talk about some loose guidelines. For example, if one of you works early in the morning, the other wouldn't want 5 people coming to party at 11:00 at night. You also will want to set out things like how groceries are bought, and cleaning duties. Other than that, if you are friends you probably don't need firm rules.
A word of caution: I lost a friendship with my two best friends after they had moved in with my husband and me. We didn't set down any procedures for how they would leave if they wanted to move out. They left one week before the end of the month, and payments (bills and rent) were due at the end of the month. They said that since they didn't stay the entire month, they didn't owe any money. They packed up and left while my husband and I were at work, and left my husband and I to foot all the bills for that month. All because we couldn't agree on a solution, and we hadn't decided on how to handle that situation before they moved in.
With that in mind, good luck!
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i think you should put the rules down because if she plays her music too loud and people complain you will get the blame aswell , and you dont have to think of them as rules , just think of them a agreements good luck xxxx xWhiteTigerx
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