|
Step children
I am at the end of my rope, I have been married almost two yrs to my High school sweetheart.(after a 18 yr seperation since high school)She has two kids age 13 and 10. I have two boys age 12 and 9. My problem is this, Her children disrespect me and lie to me and get away with murder, while I make my kids respect her and do what they are told. Her son 10, has A.d.d and cried to his dad so much, that he was taken off the prescribed medicine. His father was too proud to accept the fact that the boy needs the meds to concentrate. He repeatedly says this to his son until he is unbearable. He cried and cried to get his mom to stop the medicine, Because he didnt need it. He was an A student until a month or so ago, when his dad decided that he didnt need it. Since then the child is unruly .whiny, moody, throws temper tantrums, and lastly his grades have already dropped. Yesterday i checked the kids grades on the Internet, and he wnet from all A's to a D+, C, and a couple B's. He threw a temper tantrum, when told he was now grounded, and then blamed the teacher for his grades. He looked his mother in the face and screamed at her" you made me take medicine that I dont need. All while crying and throwing a fit. I said to my wife, if that isnt his dad talking i will kiss your a$$. I was the one reprimanded by her for saying that to her, not her sons bad grades. She then coddled him the remainder of the night. Herelies the problem, He calls the other kids names, he tattles, he Lies to my face, and He comes out smelling like a rose. He was grounded from his game boy, his brother asked to play one of his games, he said no, until i stepped in. The previous day he was allowed to play my other sons game boy because he was grounded from it for a bad grade. His mother made my son give him the gameboy because he forgot his at his dads house, yet said nothing when he wouldnt let the youngest use his. A little later the yougest son(of mine) said your being a jerk, and was immediately told to go to bed. Unlike her children, My son immediately complied and went to bed in tears. I am at the end, i just cant deal with this crap no more. I grew up with a step mother who acted the same way and it makes me sick to see my kids treated that way. My wife refuses to see this and it is ruining my marriage. Please Help. The question is How do I make my wife see this is going on, and stop it before its too late.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
Sit her down (away from the kids if possible) and talk to her. Explain what it was like growing up in that kind of situation. Tell her some changes are going to have to be made if you two are going to remain together. Because all this can get to the point of 'I can't take this anymore'! I think you're standing on the edge now.
I think she should also get with her lawyer on the kids med thing. I think as the parent who has custody she should be able to have him on a med that the doctor ordered. Download the grades and keep them for just this reason. It could help. And if that route is somehow not possible, I would seriously consider having him stay with his father. Harsh I know but if he thinks he can handle him without meds let him try. Wife won't like that option Though!
The thing is you have to treat all the kids the same. It just isn't fair for one to be the center of attention all the time. He knows what he can get away with and will push it to the limits. Your wife really needs to understand and deal with that. The rest of the kids are going to resent her if she doesn't do this, and she can't truly want that. I sure wish you luck with this and hope it works out for you. :)
]
well...if you love your wife enough then youd stay with her....but wouldnt you think that if the kids really didnt like you then theyd live with their dad? but i know how it is to have a step dad and i know i would treat mine bad....but now i regret it... theyre just having a hard time realizing that their mom and dad arnt going to get back together....and just have patients and DO NOT tell your wife that her kids are treating you wrong because she might take it the wrong way and it will start madness....but if she loved you enough i'd think she notice or say something to her children...
]
i know what you are talking about my step mom is a bitch and she ruins my life dont let her do that to your kids life to bu tdont ruin your either you need to set limitations on her on what she can do to your kids when you can to her ........ hope i helped.......
~lacy~
]
None of these suggestions (or even all of them) will "solve" the problem, but they might help you get things moving in a direction where solutions become visible again.
1. Talk to your wife about getting a written set of rules and consequences for all the children. Post them in prominent places around the house. Each broken rule could have a consequence of it's own (if you call someone a name, you have a time out (age dependent). if you talk back to a parent, you loose your gameboy for the night.), or there could be a chart for "first broken rule, whatever it is, time out. second broken rule, loose gameboy for the night). This way all the children not only know how they are expected to act, but what the consequences are. Punishment will no longer seem arbitrary.
2. Since his grades have taken a noticeable dive, set up a parent teacher conference for you, your wife, and the teacher (or teachers). Once your wife sees reason, set up a conference with you, your wife, the boys father, his spouse if any, and the teacher (or teachers). The teachers are likely to be on your side - they don't want an impossible to control kid in the school anymore than you want him in your home. (less so, as they have no emotional attachment)
3. Set up a fun family activity that everyone will enjoy to act as "new family bonding time". Go to Chucky E. Cheese, or a picnic, or the zoo. Pick something that you can do as a family that will help create good memories of everyone being together. If you have to, set stricter rules than normal for behavior on these activities, and offer rewards if they are met. For instance, if you decide to go to the zoo, tell the kids at the beginning that there will be no name calling, pushing, etc. Give them a pin or sticker to wear. When they break the rules, take the sticker or pin away. Those who still have their token at the end of the day get ice cream on the way home. If things are so bad that one token isn't enough, give them three, and still allow them to get the treat as long as they have one left at the end of the day.
4. Tell all the kids you love them, at least once a day. When getting them up in the morning and sending them off to school, or when getting home from work, or when going to bed at night.
5. Try to eat dinner as a family as much as possible. You may need to tie getting desert to good behavior at dinner to get kids to be civil to each other at first, but they will improve. :)
6. See a family councilor and/or a marriage one. You have quite a few issues here, but it's not hopeless until someone gives up or gets abusive.
Hope some of this helps a little. 1, 2, and 6 are really the answers to your question, 3, 4, and 5 are just advice on getting your new family pointed in a happier direction. :)
]
You have to show her when it happens not after. If not take matters into your own hands. If she sends your kid to bed, send hers to bed. All you gotta do is wait for her to do the next dumb thing, point it out and do that everytime.
]
The other advice is better than I would have given, but I want to echo something at least some of them have said.
Get the kid back on the medication. It's practically necessary. *No one* can control a kid with ADHD unless he's medicated, they usually are so anti-authority that you could slice them with a knife whenever they disobeyed and they'd *still* disobey. He'll also ruin his relationships at school and in general very much regret the years in his life that he was under the effects of uncontrolled ADHD; I know I was.
If he refuses to take the medicine, find some way to get it to him without his noticing. I'm not sure if dissolving the medication in anything works; ask a psychiatrist or doctor knowledgeable in that sort of thing. Don't try to force it into him, unless you can keep him still for about 15/30 minutes to prevent him from throwing it up; once it hits his system, which is pretty quick with most ADHD medications, he can't do a thing about it.
He may hate you for it, but he hates you already, so no loss there. He may never thank you for it later, but you will have done the right thing regardless.
Oh, and you need to give your kids some extra love and kindness until this all runs down. They should still obey their mom, but soften things whenever they're punished; they see how her kids never listen to you and how you can't punish them, and if you don't make them feel special for obeying you they will grow to hate the other kids and may start disobeying you also.
]
So, she excuses him for terrible grades and lets him get away with anything, yet can't see how terrible this is? You've already tried to talk to her a number of times, I imagine.
I think you should just see a marriage councelor or someone of that affect. She may need some more outside perspectives, and people like that are good examples.
If she's still oblivious to the disservice she's doing to you, your kids, and her own, then you might want to consider separation. That might be best for your own children and may also help her see what she's doing.
]
I am sorry for your situation. My sister is married to her second husband and many times her son from her first marriage is left out in the cold, less loved, yelled at more while her child from her second marriage is loved and yelled at less. It is tough to make a situation like that work because no matter what anyone says, your first feeling is to your own children, then to your spouses. You can overcome it but you must choose to. She obviously has not made that choice yet but since you are on here seeking advice that shows that she still has time.
Sit her down, WITHOUT the children and tell her that her attitude and indifference is ruining your marriage and hurting all of the children. Her son must be put back on his medication, it is irrational to think that its his teachers fault. Point that out to her. Tell her that she has to be the adult in this situation and since she, not his dad, is responsible for his daily care SHE must decide that he needs the medication. SHE must put him back on it. SHE must enforce punishments on all of the children. SHE must be fair to the children in all situations, taking great care not to slight one in favor of another. You must also do the same though it sounds like you are doing well considering the circumstances. SHE must not reprimand you about your childcare decisions because there is no "your child" "my child" it is "our children". You both are those children's parents. You both are responsible for their well-being. Be very blunt with her, do NOT pull punches. Make her see how her behavior is not only affecting your marriage but the childrens self esteem. Trust me, they see it when one child is treated better than they are. Children are without the adult capabilities that we have to express themselves but that does not make them stupid. They see, they know and yes it does hurt them.
Talk to her, making her listen to you until you are finished then hear her side of it. Do not walk away from the conversation until all that needs to be said and expressed has. Make her understand that you are not ready to give up yet but if she does not make an effort to change you will walk away. If she does not change you will have to take your children and walk away from this marriage. I know that you love her and her kids and do not want to see that happen but if she does not change you have to think of your children's well-being. Talk it out with her and give her some time to affect the changes. If you see that she is trying, be reasonable by giving her more time and helping her in everyway that you can. If she does not try to change, tell her that she is forcing your hand and consider your next option.
In a nutshell : Be blunt and talk to her about all of this. Do not make her feel as though you are wanting to leave her but let her know that she will eventually force you to if she continues her behavior. Talk to her and listen to her. Try to help her change.
Before you have this discussion with her talk to a close friend about how you should phrase everything, if you have faith pray about it, if you are close with a sibling or other family member talk to them about it. Get a game plan before jumping into the conversation. Go in prepared so that you will not regret not talking about something later on.
I hope that this works out for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please contact me anytime if I can help you. Best Wishes!
]
More Questions: |