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My mother-in-law always pushes my buttons!
My mother-in-law is always accusing me of over-reacting to things, when I think my reactions are quite normal. She tells me to calm down when I'm only slightly frustrated about something, and her saying this to me repeatedly causes me to get more frustrated, then she's like "I told you so." For example, today she was giving my daughter a ride to school, and I went along because she was in her p.j's and it was a cold day and she was doing us a favor so I didn't have to walk her to school. Anyways, to get to the point, my daughter had made a suncatcher keyring for her teacher and I knew that I had put it in her backpack. My daughter wanted to show it to her grandmother, so she opened her backpack, and I reached back and got it. I looked in her backpack where I had put it and it wasn't there. So I simply stated "It's not here. I know I put it in here." I wasn't hysterical, just slightly puzzled. My mother-in-law immediately starts saying "Calm down, calm down. It's no big deal," as if I was totally freaking out, which I wasn't, and I kept repeating "It's not here," as I looked because she kept saying "Calm down." She was irritating me, and I told her so, and that I thought she was being rude. She just told me to "Drop it." She acts so smug and superior. My daughter found it in the back of the car, and handed it to me, which my mother-in-law didn't even notice because she was so busy telling me to stop going on about it. I told her she was rude and didn't repect my feelings and that anyone would say the same thing when they were looking for something and it wasn't where they put it. She probably didn't hear half of what I said because she was too busy telling me to shut up. I finally gave up, but I have a hard time dropping a subject when I think someone is unfairly judging me. I was trying to get her to understand my point of view. She is always treating me like this. I'm so sick of it. Does anyone have experience with a person like this? How do you handle it without making it look like the person is right about you? I know this is what I'm doing when I respond to her rudeness. But I don't know how else to handle it. She is hard to ignore. Any advice?
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This is a power play. It's how some people manipulate other people -- claiming they are acting one way when it's not so, operating on the theory that if you say something loud enough and long enough, it will start to sound *familiar* enough that people will start to base their opinions on what you say.
"Don't buy into it" is my advice.
If something like this happens again, try asking your mom-in-law something like this. I'm going to assign her and you a name for this discussion; she'll be Vivian, and you'll be Mary.
"Vivian, I'm concerned because you seem to have trouble understanding my tone of voice and my intentions. It would help me if you could tell me what it is that makes you think I'm less than calm. Do you really think I need 'calming down' or is this phrase simply your way of saying, 'I get anxious when I'm around you.' "
Just keep putting it back in her lap, with phrases like:
"You seem upset that I'm having a conversation with my daughter. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"You are assuming that I'm not calm, which is incorrect. It seems to me that you get anxious when you fear some sort of confrontation is coming up. Is this true? If not, why do you feel the need to urge calmness? Are you feeling less than calm yourself?"
It's not necessary for you to be confrontational with your mother-in-law; be sure that your tone of voice is kind. Even if your words are intended to put her in her place. ;o)
I personally would not put this problem in your husband's lap; he's not the one who's having problem with his mother -- you are. And it's really no one's job to change your mom-in-law; what should change is how you deal with her personality problems.
So ... "calm down." (Heh-heh -- couldn't resist.) Just approach her confidently, with an air of kindly interest in the fact that she seems to be having an anxiety problem herself -- about you.
In my opinion, she sounds threatened by you, and this is her little passive-aggressive way of defining her territory and status. But that's just my opinion.
Good luck! - The Southern Chick
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Mother-in-laws! Aren't they frustrating??!! First of all, the first thing you need to do is get your husbands support. You need to make him understand how she makes you feel. Then, the both of you should make a quiet time with her, with no distractions or children and explain to her how she is making you feel. Let your husband broach the subject first...then she may be more open to hear it.
If that doesn't work...try limiting the amount of time that she is around you..But whatever you do stand your ground!
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I deal with a mother-in-law that is not even around and doesn't even see our kids we have 4. So at least you have that. But when we do go visit it is like are we done yet because she is so fake and ats like she likes me. Well if it always happens tell her to drink some coffee and then deal with your child one full day by herself and see how stressed out she can get with her and then maybe you can have that comon bond. I am not saying that your child is a burden, but if she is always nagging I would let her walk a day in your shoes, kids can stress you without thinking that you are stressed out. Take care Dymond
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I think you handled the problem well, but it just wasn't at the right time. It was morning, she wasn't dressed yet (possibly not fully awake), driving and your daughter was in the car with you. Try and bring the subject up more gently, when it is one on one, she may be more willing to listen.
If this doesn't work I suppose you could just try and avoid talking about things that cause issues. Although this may be tough. Next time she tells you to calm down, you could just clam up and see if that's "calmed down" enough for her.
Or if your mother in law is a big fan of Dear Abby send them this letter, maybe she'll recognize herself and shut up ;)
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It soundz like shes just pickin on u to try to make u look bad... adults try to do that to me too... the best thing to do is ignore her... & when she gets slightly frustrated... tell her to calm down... & when u do this u are not sinkin down to her level... what goes around comes around... just ignore her... act like u didnt hear her... she should give up after a while when she sees shes not gettin to u
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Yow... this really sounds like a "fun" situation. You really make me appreciate how good I have it with my in-laws...<br>
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It really sounds like a battle of wills, and your mother-in-law has an edge in years of experience, and she's really trying to stick it to you. I'm not going to speculate why she does this, but indeed she wants to make sure she feels superior when around you. About the only thing I can suggest is that you find a way to let her comments roll off her back. By responding to her, you let her know that she's getting under your skin and that she has the upper-hand. By finding a way to shrug her off, she loses that advantage and will likely chill out herself.<br>
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My other thought is to create a buffer about yourself. Keep your mother-in-law at a distance, and not physically - but socially and mentally. Such as in your example, had you filtered out your mother-in-law and concentrated on your daughter, her riding you would have been moot. Of course, I'm not going to sit here and say, "oh, yeah... just blow her off, it'll all be fine" because you and I both know nothing is ever that easy. But if you can make a concentrated, conscious effort to do that, to keep something or someone else as your focus when she begins her attitude with you, you'll better be able to deflect her, she'll end up getting frustrated, and you'll gain the upper hand in a sense. And by taking control of such situations, you'll better be able to defuse her and hopefully maintain your sanity.<br>
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Good luck!
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