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I'm sixteen, yet I still haven't developed my breasts yet! I know everyone says this, but I really don't want some answer like, "Be happy with who you are." Does anyone know ANYTHING.. at ALL. to make them bigger? Any foods to eat or anything? Please help.... No surgery. All natural. XOX

I don't think pills or special diets work; what you need is to go through puberty. I will bet that only "time" will cure this problem for you.

Are you menstruating? Some women don't until they are your age or older. If you are menstruating, I would make an appointment with a female gynecologist (they are usually more approachable than men) and ask her your question. She can do tests to see if there are any problems with your hormone levels and if there is a physical problem. If your mom is sensitive at all, she will understand why you want to get checked out; I know that I would do this for my daughter. If she's not, then go to a planned parenthood clinic or some other free health clinic and ask them where you can get checked out, and save the money to pay for an examination yourself.

You just may be anxious for something to happen that will happen naturally with time; I hope this is what your doctor tells you. If that's the case, buy pretty padded bras, do exercises for the pectoral muscles, and keep up your healthy habits in your diet and exercise. Boobs will come in their own sweet time.

One other thing: If you want to avoid teasing, you might try getting some of the more subtly padded bras at first and then work your way up to ones that are more heavily padded. Or if you become more comfortable with your body's own natural dimensions right now, just let your body be as it is, unpadded.

Best wishes,
TheSouthernChick

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Hi,

I'm a sixteen-year-old female, and I've been masterbating for a long time now. Although, I don't know if you can really call it masterbating. Whenever I heard something that aroused me, I would lie down on my stomach, put my hands on my crotch, and just push down until I felt pleasure. Well now, the skin outside my crotch has been stretched out, and the bone there, (or something hard) has been enlarged a lot. Whenever I wear any type of pants at all, my vagina looks large and basically like a penis almost. Please help! Please don't tell me to go to a doctor because I'm under 18 so my parents would have to come, and I really, truly don't want them to know that I've been masterbating. Is there any solution to get my vagina flat again and back to normal size? Is are there any cream or over-the-counter drug I could take? If i stop masterbating, will it eventually go back down to normal size or will I be stuck like this even if I stop? Please help. I can't have surgery because it's too expensive. Thank you so much.

Claire

Masturbating doesn't make your vaginal area look larger; it doesn't affect the soft tissue or the bone. I'm not a doctor, but I would guess that what has probably happened is simply that your body has continued changing normally as you grow. When you reach puberty, parts of your body change in response to hormones, particularly the breasts and genitals. Some people just have more "padding" in that area of their body. You may find a boyfriend who likes the way you have a softer "bumper" there someday when you're having sex with him. ;o)

This may sound crazy, but you might look at some porn sites online so you can see the tremendous variety of sizes, shapes, etc. in women's bodies.

Hope this helps -- don't worry so much. And if the way your crotch looks in pants bothers you, then wear pants that aren't so tight or shiny (or that have a pattern busy enough that any prominent areas aren't highlighted).

Best -
TheSouthernChick

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im 99% sure my dad is cheating on my mom..i was looking at his cellphone one day and it was like his name..lets call him bill and this other girls name lets call her christy..it said bill and christy in love forever and there was a million messages saying i love you back and forth..plus my dad is never around so this isnt really a shock to me..but how am i suppose to tell my mom and should i because i wasnt suppose to be in my dads business anyways! what should i do???!

How you found out is not important; the fact is that you now have the burden of this knowledge and you can't ignore it. You shouldn't have snooped, but I probably would have done the same thing.

It's not your responsibility to enlighten your mom, although you may choose to do so. Personally, I would get somewhere private with my dad (like get him to take me to lunch), then say, "Who's Christy and why are you in love with her? You're hurting our family, and you are scaring me."

Don't answer questions about how you know. That's not the issue.

Remind him that he's your role model and this is not a good role model for your future ability to trust men. Also tell him that his actions affect your life right now; is he going to continue being dishonorable toward your mom? Is he going to leave your mom? What affect does he think this will have on YOUR life?

If he's any kind of a decent person, he will feel some shame.

God bless you, honey. You're facing an adult situation that's really not your business but which DOES directly affect your life in a most fundamental way. My best advice to you is to deal with it directly, like this.

He may simply be more discreet from now on, but at least he'll know that he has lowered himself in your eyes.

Best,
TheSouthernChick

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It has been over 9 months maybe more since i have cut myself.. but lately i really dont care. But see im trying to open up to my friends about this situation. I can talk about it in a journal. i can do w.e but when it come to explainning i chicken out. My moms even worried bout me being all "depressed" and "stressed" is there a good way to calms down a bit. maybe? or just opening up..please i`ll rate 5 if its a good answer and not some fuck just playing around and asking dumb. this is serious... and im tired of peoples fucking stupid remarks.

I'm so sorry that you have this problem. It appalls me that you are experiencing a life situation stressful enough that you find cutting yourself to be your best release mechanism or your best way of feeling like you're in control again. This is a serious and harmful way of expressing or dealing with your problems, but you don't need me to tell you that. ;o/

This is honestly way, way, WAY over my head, but I found some articles online that you might find helpful:

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html

http://www.psyke.org/articles/en/cutting/

http://health.discovery.com/premiers/cutters/articles/goodstein_qa/goodstein_qa.html

http://health.discovery.com/premiers/cutters/articles/sib/sib.html

And finally, here's an article about a treatment program specifically designed for people who self-injure: http://www.selfinjury.com/

Hope this helps. Best wishes --

TheSouthernChick

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so the guy im going out with recently asked me if i was a virgin and i told him yes. Even though im not i really didnt want him thinking i sleep around with people because im only 16. i know im very young but yea. i dont know if i should tell him the truth or not

thanks

I agree with the previous "tell him" advice you've received. I would say, "When you asked me if I was a virgin, it bothered me. It made me think that you would judge me if I said 'yes.' So I lied. I have had sex before. I don't sleep around a lot, but I'm not a virgin. I'm sorry that I was not immediately honest with you. Now I have a question for you -- why did you want to know that? Are you just wanting to know your risk in sleeping with me, are you just being nosey, or has someone said something rude about me and you want to find out if it's true?"

But that's just me; I'm very straightforward. And I recognize that in today's world of sexually transmitted diseases, he has a right to know his exposure risk in sleeping with me.

If he had asked me that question, I would have first asked why he wanted to know, then told him, "No, but I'm a responsible person and have been careful and discreet and safe. I don't think you'd be at any health risk for sleeping with me, and I have a good reputation. Anything else you need to know?"

Refuse to answer any of the "with who?" questions, by the way; that's none of his business.

Good luck, and be careful with your sex. It's very easy to get emotionally tangled up with someone you're sleeping with, mistaking physical intimacy for true person-to-person relationship intimacy.

Best,
TheSouthernChick

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My mom is an alchoalic..shes not the type that hits people but the type that gets drunk then lays down on the couch and passes out..but shes so embarrasing..like ill have a friend over and she'll be drunk on the coach and i dont know what to say! but my ? is how can i talk to her about her illness? and does anyone else have an alchoalic parent because i would really like to talk to some people and here there stories..so leave me your screen name so we can talk thanks!

It's a good idea to start dealing with the alcoholic in your life. Don't expect that person to change -- she has to want to do so before that happens -- but it can be a huge relief just to quit pretending that nothing is wrong.

A counselor I went to once called it the "elephant in the living room" syndrome. There's a big dead pink elephant in the living room, and everyone keeps tiptoeing around it, pretending it's not there. Meanwhile, you've got this big pink rotting carcass stinking up your house, and no one is doing anything about it.

The best things you can do for yourself are:
* Talk about it. Tell the counselor at school (really). They may not be able to change your situation, but it's a relief to talk about it -- the embarrassment, the pain at seeing a loved one spiral downward, the anger that she's not what you want and need, the frustration that you can't change her, etc.
* Tell your mom that you are going to start attending Al-Anon (a support group for family members of alcoholics). Honestly, Al-Anon didn't help me much, but many family members of alcoholics find it helpful to talk with others who are dealing with similar issues. The biggest lesson they give is to "Let go." This means to recognize over and over again that you are not responsible for that person's life; you are responsible only for yours. This means your only responsibility is to manage your own decisions, including to decide what you want and what you'll put up with. (Even a child has rights. You can tell your counselor you don't want to live with your mom anymore or that you want Social Services to talk with her. Not that you'd go that far, but at least know that it's a possibility. You're responsible for what you choose to live with.)
* Tell your mom that you aren't going to ignore the fact that she is an alcoholic anymore. Tell her you're talking frankly with the counselor at school. Tell her you're worried about her and you're angry at her. Tell her that if she's drunk on the sofa when your friends come over, you're not going to lie and say she's sick; you'll just tell your friends, "My mom's an alcoholic and she's drunk. I hate to see her like that, but it's her life. Just ignore her." And tell her how you feel about her when you have to tell people things like that. Just remember that it's not your job to cover for her. That's part of "enabling" behavior.
* Don't feel like it's your job to reform, confront, or educate your mom. She knows this is not good for her. Talk to her if you want to, but realize that no one is responsible for her life but HER. This is her flaw, not yours. You are responsible for yourself -- not for reforming her or even covering for her. (Example: If she wants you to call her boss and say she's too sick to come in to work, inform her that she doesn't want you to get on the phone, because you would simply say, "I'm sorry, but my mom is an alcoholic and is too drunk or hungover to come into work.")
* Find something that fills that emotional hole inside you. You're bound to have one; alcoholics are so busy comforting themselves with the booze that they don't have much left over to give someone else. You don't have the parent you deserve. So find perhaps a mentor at school, church, or elsewhere who can be a solid influence in your life. Even online friends who can commiserate with you are helpful. Perhaps talk to your school counselor about this.
* Find things to do that make you feel good, whether it's volunteering at the animal shelter, visiting old folks' homes, working at Habitat for Humanity, or other charity work. When you give love, it feels great. It also feels good to develop a skill and share your triumphs with other people -- whether that's beading, painting, knitting, writing, or something else. Take up a hobby and start an onling blog about it. (I'm a knitter, myself.)

I hope this helps. Feel free to write again. I grew up in a home with a non-abusive but very, very depressing drunken stepfather. He used to hide vodka bottles around the house, including once in the water reservoir tank of the toilet (which I found because it "clinked" when I sat down). I've been there.

Best,
TheSouthernChick

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The only reason i'm up now is because i can never fall asleep! if u help me with this i will give u a five!
i think this is urgent so please answer asap!

I had the same problem during a stressful period in my life. I had a counselor who helped me with a "creative visualization" exercise. Maybe it will work for you, too:

First, lie down comfortably on your bed. Breathe slowly and deeply, trying to relax a bit more with each breath. (You can almost feel yourself going down in levels of stress with each breath.) Be aware of your body parts so that you can consciously relax any part that is tense (watch the neck, shoulders and even those too-tightly-shut eyelids).

Then take a deep breath and hold it as long as you can; slowly exhale. Repeat.

Then begin imagining, keeping your breathing slow and comfortable throughout. (I have two imaginary scenarios I use; here's the first.) I'm in a 10-story department store that has an unusual escalator that spirals down the entire 10 floors, with big loops carrying me past the merchandise on each floor. As it goes around each floor, I have an opportunity to look at what's there. There's only one type of thing on each floor. I think about what's on each floor as I go down. For example, I might think on floor 10 that it's all just vacuum cleaners. There are red ones. Silver ones. Black ones. Ones with bags, ones without. Upright and canisters. Handhelds. steam cleaners. (Make the list as long and as detailed as you can, calmly.) Then you feel the escalator taking you down to the next floor, slowly. Then imagine different items on floor 9, and so on.

Personally, I've never gotten further down than the 8th floor before I'm zonked out. The key is to think of it as a passive, observing experience, where you are just being carried past the view.

As an alternative, I imagine I'm at the top of a very tall, gently sloping mountain meadow. There are 10 distinct fields stretching out before me, each with a different kind of flower. I walk down, "experiencing" the flowers in each meadow as I go. I try to make it as detailed as I can, thinking of the colors, the scents, the feel of dewy grass brushing against my legs and sunshine on my shoulders, etc. The key again is to observe details dispassionately, slowly and in great depth. Again, I've never gone past meadow 8 or 9 before I'm asleep.

When I was just getting started with this technique, I had a tape that my counselor had made, talking me through this in low, soothing tones. Later, I made another tape myself. In recent years, I haven't needed the tape at all.

Hope this helps. Best wishes to you -- insomnia is such a pain!

- TheSouthernChick

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My parents were divorced about 7 years ago. I am in my 30s. I feel like the holidays are a job because we have to go so many different places in one day, and worst of all, eat.
I wish I could rent out 2 adjacent ballrooms and have Christmas. It stresses me out. I have tried saying, ok, your house for Thanksgiving and your house for Christmas. This year I made Thanksgiving dinner, but my father forgot or just didn't bother to care. I did visit him the Friday after, which was fun. Mom and brother did come. Brother is also making the grand rounds with his family.
How could this be easier other than purposefully being out of town?

The good news is that you're not obligated to make the grand rounds, and you're not obligated to feel responsible for anyone's fits if they don't get what they want out of your holiday time. Just stop. Tell your family that you want to have a relaxed time with them that you will all cherish without feeling rushed or overbooked. (Don't argue this. Just state it as fact.) And set up a mutually convenient time before, during or after the holidays to spend with each set of people who matter to you. Some families split the holidays each year, some alternate years, and some just tell families to "come see me if you want to see me."

There's no need to defend this new stance with your family, by the way. Just communicate that this is a decision you have made, and if they argue, your stance should be to smile warmly and kindly and say, "Well, be that as it may, this is what I've chosen to do. Now, let's talk about when I can look forward to seeing you during the holidays. Are you free the weekend immediately after Christmas? No? Would it be better if we spent some time together in January instead? No, as I have said, the two weekends before Christmas aren't good for me. No, I don't have specific plans but I'm choosing not to go out of town on those dates. (no further explanation is needed). When else would you like?"

And I'd let your father know that you were disappointed he didn't attend Turkey Day with you. Next year, confirm that he really will be there, mentioning that you were disappointed that he didn't come as agreed upon the previous year. And if he does this again, don't make plans with him unless he initiates them, and only then if he has satisified you that he has changed his ways and is serious about honoring his time with you.

Good luck! - The Southern Chick

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I have been struggling with this issue for years, especially with my parents and sister. I am an adult now, married, with one child, and I still feel I'm treated as if I'm a "second-class citizen" by my immediate family and my in-laws as well. I still don't know if it's something about me that makes people treat me differently, or if it's "their problem. " Basically, I feel misunderstood and disrespected. For example, someone in my family accuses me of some doing something wrong, let's say "insulting them" and I'm 100% positive I did no such thing, or that they took something I said the wrong way, and I try to explain my side of it, but the more I try to explain, the angrier they get because they just don't seem to care about the truth and want to go on thinking "wrong" about me, and they just don't respect me enough to listen to anything I have to say. Well, that's how it feels to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I thought someone did something wrong to me, and they tried to explain to me that they didn't I would at least have the decency to hear them out, especially my own family. Does any of this makes sense? Basically, I feel like the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone else but me in the eyes of my family. They are constantly hurting me and half the time they don't even realise it, or if they do, they dismiss my feelings as insignificant because they think I am too sensitive. I don't think so. Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why can't they respect my feelings and points of view, even if they don't agree with them. I am constantly told things like "That's enough, " "I don't care" "I don't want to hear it, " or just plain "Shut up!" Is that the way to talk to a grown adult, or anybody for that matter? Let alone someone in your own family that you are supposed to love and care about? If a stranger treated me this way, I would be ofended, but it hurts a lot more coming from someone in your own family. Is there anything that I can do to get more respect from my family? I try to stand up for myself, but they don't "let" me. They snap at me if I ever say anything in my defense or tell them they are being rude, which I don't hesitate to do. I'm fed up, and I don't want to have this tension between me and my family anymore. I almost dread family get-togethers anymore, because I'm afraid someone is going to treat me bad in front of all my other relatives, and I won't be able to truly enjoy myself because I'll be dwelling on it the whole time. Can anybody relate to this at all? I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel that way. Does anybody ever watch "Everybody loves Raymond?" Well, sometimes I feel like Raymond's brother Robert, and my sister is like Raymond. She is the one with the interesting career and is more financially sucessful, so I feel sometimes, she is the "favorite" and I am looked at as "the baby". (Even though I was the first to get married and have a child.) Well, feel free to offer any advice you can. I'm really hoping someone has some insight they can share. Thanks in advance. :-)

You need to distance yourself from how you *feel* about their treatment of you before you can address this. As Dilbert said to his boss once, "I respectfully decline to join your hallucinations.: That's the mental view you should take about their evaluations of you. If they said you were a leprechaun, it wouldn't make you into one. They are responsible for their views; you are not. And it's not your obligation to try and correct them, although you can if you wish to. But in my opinion trying to change their behaviors (which you're not responsible for) is giving them too much power.

Similarly, they are not responsible for the fact that you are sensitive to their callous comments and rudeness. (I/m not saying they are right. Just that you're the one who has ownership of your feelings and reactions. Not them.) It?'s up to *you* to protect yourself from their hurtfulness. You might explain in advance to each person that you've had some problems in the past with how they've related to you and that, in the future, if you are finding them to be disrespectful or rude, you will either ignore them or leave the area (or whatever other protective actions you choose to take). Assure them that you won't engage in a discussion, confrontation, or argument about it. (And believe me, they'll test you.) And keep in mind that you can take further measures such as distancing yourself from unkind people if they keep abusing the privileges of their relationship with you. Then followup on your word. In other words, ACT on your conviction that you are worthy of respect. Don't talk about it. Your family and friends are treating you this way based on (1) their own character flaws and (2) the fact that you have permitted it. You can't change 1, but you can sure change 2.

Example #1: If someone interrupts you, you're not obligated to stop talking just because they have started. (This may be a revelation for you. I can remember when I realized this myself.) Just keep talking until they stop or until they say, "Huh? What did you say?" or otherwise get more obnoxious. Then you can say something crisp like this with a slight smile and a raised eyebrow, "Oh, excuse me for trying to talk while you were interrupting." Or if you aren't feeling like a smartass, you could simply say, "I was speaking and I don't choose to let you interrupt me anymore. If you can't handle basic conversational etiquette, perhaps you need to find someone else to talk to."

Example 2: If your ex-spouse is constantly showing up late to pick up the kids when you have plans, let him know that in the future if he's not on time that you will not wait on him anymore, because you quit waiting around on him when you divorced him. You don't have to put up with that anymore. Don't say any of this angrily. Just be calm and serene (at least on the outside). I did this with my ex. He showed up an hour late when I had plans, and he was astonished that I had already taken my child to the babysitter's. He demanded to see her. I told him of course he could, but only if he was willing to pay for the full evening of babysitting so that the babysitter's time was not abused. He was so angry and amazed that he left without saying another word. (But he was never late again. Never.)

Example 3: Husband, interrupting your phone conversation with a friend: "Honey, I don't have any clean damned shirts. Why are you sitting on your fat ass and running your big mouth when there's laundry to be done?"

You: (ignoring him, but giving him a quelling look).

Husband: "Hey, I'm TALKING to you!"

You (to friend): "I'm sorry. My husband is having a problem. I'll call you back later."

Then, you to husband (assuming that you're not in dange of him being physically abusive to you): "That was rude of you. I won't even address the problem you are bringing to me when you speak this way. And if you continue, I (a) won't handle your laundry at all, and (b) will get a cell phone and hold my conversations elsewhere so that I won't be pestered when you feel like being rude."

Then refuse to discuss the laundry with him unless he comes back and talks to you like a calm, rational, kind adult. Give him an example; in this case, he could have said in calm tones, "I was counting on you to do this for me. It's one of the household chores that we agreed you would do, just like I mow the grass and service the cars. I have an important meeting today and I am in a bind because of this. I'm mad and I feel like you let me down. What happened? And I'm asking you to fix this problem for me now." If he actually does this (I doubt it), it gives you the opportunity to explain why you didn't do one of your chores -- or simply to apologize -- without having to be so on the defense.

In essence, what I'm saying is that the thing to change is yourself. Specifically, how you view yourself and how you treat yourself. And even more specifically, how you permit others to treat you.

Once you have really bought into the concept that they are wrong and that this is their problem, not yours, you'll have the emotional distance to be able to correct them (or not) without letting it hurt you too much. And you may find when you simply take it for granted that you are 100 percent worthy of respect, people tend to make the same assumptions about you.

Your family will probably accuse you of acting distant or arrogant, but belittlers have always said that about someone who goes about her life with quiet self-confidence and self-respect. You might want to take up a hobby like knitting so that you'll have something to do with your hands and eyes while you are serenely refusing to accept rudeness (even when you feel quivery on the inside).

Best wishes to you! - The Southern Chick


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My mother-in-law is always accusing me of over-reacting to things, when I think my reactions are quite normal. She tells me to calm down when I'm only slightly frustrated about something, and her saying this to me repeatedly causes me to get more frustrated, then she's like "I told you so." For example, today she was giving my daughter a ride to school, and I went along because she was in her p.j's and it was a cold day and she was doing us a favor so I didn't have to walk her to school. Anyways, to get to the point, my daughter had made a suncatcher keyring for her teacher and I knew that I had put it in her backpack. My daughter wanted to show it to her grandmother, so she opened her backpack, and I reached back and got it. I looked in her backpack where I had put it and it wasn't there. So I simply stated "It's not here. I know I put it in here." I wasn't hysterical, just slightly puzzled. My mother-in-law immediately starts saying "Calm down, calm down. It's no big deal," as if I was totally freaking out, which I wasn't, and I kept repeating "It's not here," as I looked because she kept saying "Calm down." She was irritating me, and I told her so, and that I thought she was being rude. She just told me to "Drop it." She acts so smug and superior. My daughter found it in the back of the car, and handed it to me, which my mother-in-law didn't even notice because she was so busy telling me to stop going on about it. I told her she was rude and didn't repect my feelings and that anyone would say the same thing when they were looking for something and it wasn't where they put it. She probably didn't hear half of what I said because she was too busy telling me to shut up. I finally gave up, but I have a hard time dropping a subject when I think someone is unfairly judging me. I was trying to get her to understand my point of view. She is always treating me like this. I'm so sick of it. Does anyone have experience with a person like this? How do you handle it without making it look like the person is right about you? I know this is what I'm doing when I respond to her rudeness. But I don't know how else to handle it. She is hard to ignore. Any advice?

This is a power play. It's how some people manipulate other people -- claiming they are acting one way when it's not so, operating on the theory that if you say something loud enough and long enough, it will start to sound *familiar* enough that people will start to base their opinions on what you say.

"Don't buy into it" is my advice.

If something like this happens again, try asking your mom-in-law something like this. I'm going to assign her and you a name for this discussion; she'll be Vivian, and you'll be Mary.

"Vivian, I'm concerned because you seem to have trouble understanding my tone of voice and my intentions. It would help me if you could tell me what it is that makes you think I'm less than calm. Do you really think I need 'calming down' or is this phrase simply your way of saying, 'I get anxious when I'm around you.' "

Just keep putting it back in her lap, with phrases like:
"You seem upset that I'm having a conversation with my daughter. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"You are assuming that I'm not calm, which is incorrect. It seems to me that you get anxious when you fear some sort of confrontation is coming up. Is this true? If not, why do you feel the need to urge calmness? Are you feeling less than calm yourself?"

It's not necessary for you to be confrontational with your mother-in-law; be sure that your tone of voice is kind. Even if your words are intended to put her in her place. ;o)

I personally would not put this problem in your husband's lap; he's not the one who's having problem with his mother -- you are. And it's really no one's job to change your mom-in-law; what should change is how you deal with her personality problems.

So ... "calm down." (Heh-heh -- couldn't resist.) Just approach her confidently, with an air of kindly interest in the fact that she seems to be having an anxiety problem herself -- about you.

In my opinion, she sounds threatened by you, and this is her little passive-aggressive way of defining her territory and status. But that's just my opinion.

Good luck! - The Southern Chick
http://www.southernchick.com
(This is my new website that I'm in the process of setting up; no contents yet. Check back in a few weeks!)

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