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How do you stop loving and caring?
I don't know where to begin with so much going through my mind and my heart except to get directly to the point, which I'm sure you would appreciate. How do you stop loving and caring for someone that means so much to you when you don't even know how the relationship ended to begin with? I guess that's a pretty wide open question huh Doctor? Can you even relate to what I'm talking about because to tell you the truth I am so baffled at this point, things in my everyday life aren't even making sense to me anymore. It's like I'm just going through the motions everyday, but at the end of the day not really remembering too much of anything except the constant, nagging pain in my heart, which is really unbearable. I am an adult female who thought she had a pretty good thing going with an adult male. THOUGHT being the key word here. No, everything was not always perfect, but what is? Nothing major that we couldn't handle. We seemed to make each other happy in all kinds of ways that you may not even be able to imagine. I still do believe that the love was mutual and not just one-sided, but maybe I was wrong. He told me he loved me and I believed him. Shouldn't I have believed him? Isn't that what love should be based on, trust? I actually "felt" the love and caring that he had for me so I know that it wasn't one-sided. I totally trusted this man, with my life, literally. We had constant, daily communication that one day just abruptly came to a halt. And I do mean a screeching halt! Not a halt on my part either, but his. With no explanation in any form he just no longer shared any type of communication with me whatsoever. What's that all about? We had a little communication problem the night before everything ended and I was in a position where I could not make him fully understand what all was taking place, no I was not with another man or anything remotely like that, I was just in a position that made it impossible for me to talk at that moment> Let me stop there because I know that's not making sense to you. However I never got the chance to tell him what the whole deal was. And it doesn't look like I ever will. That was the last night that I ever talked to him. I love this man so much more than I ever thought that I possibly could love someone and I know that we would have been so good together and I know that he knows that too. What's the problem then you might ask? As I stated before, he will not answer any of my calls, he no longer calls me, and I don't really know what to think. I do know that he is a very open minded caring person and this just isn't like the man I fell in love with to not let me know what the problem is, so what do I do? Please don't tell me to just simply ask him what happened because like I said, he will not take my calls or contact me. How can anyone be that cold-hearted? He has totally broke my heart, broke my spirit, and yanked my soul right out! The biggest problem that I have is not understanding what happened! Surely you can understand that? He has to know that doesn't he? You can't possibly be in constant contact with someone throughout the entire day, every single day, and then one day just stop all communications and not expect them to question what the hell happened. Obviously he just doesn't want anything to do with me, that's a no-brainer. But until he tells me so and tells me why, how can I ever have any closure with the relationship, or even have any peace for my ever so confused, battered, busted up heart? I miss him terribly. I guess I got that point across pretty well already. On the flip side of this sad, but true story - Right in sync with him just totally ignoring me, this is unreal, but true, all of these men out of my past and some that have been trying to go out with me or come into my life all called in a one-week period. Sad, but true, I'm just not interested. How can I be even remotely interested anyway when nothing has been resolved with him. I will not be interested in anyone in that same way again because I know in my heart that he is the one for me, I know it, and he knows it too. Or maybe not? How do I find out what went wrong when it's impossible to ask anyone a question when they simply won't talk to you? Now how cold is that? Doesn't everyone deserve that much? I know they do, and yes, I know people don't always get an explanation even though there always is one. I don't know how to make you understand that he is just not that "typical" person that just leaves people's hearts hanging without an explanation, or maybe I just have him figured all wrong. Am I a total fool? If so then I'm a fool in love. If that is the case and I am to never get an answer, how do I go on? I can't keep walking around everyday crying, in a freaking daze, with real pains in the pit of my stomach as well as my heart. All of the people who know me know that I smile all the time and am for the most part a happy person always trying to bring a smile to others. But since that day, they all ask me where my smile is, where's that sparkle in my eyes, where's my spunk, where's my love for life? I'm not going to get it back until I know what happened. What do I do? How does one stop loving when they don't even know what went wrong? How do you ever get your mind, heart, and soul "together" again? How do you ever trust again? How do you stop the very real pain? I am a grown woman and this was not a little crush. I took it very seriously as he told me he did too. I did things for him that I had never done for anyone else to try and please him, which ultimately pleased me in doing so. As you can tell my thoughts are all over the place. And like I said I don't see how I can "pull myself together" without answers. This is really, really rough and I don't think he gets that or he would talk with me, right? What to do? How to cope? When does the pain stop? Why did this happen? Why can't I get any answers? How to trust again? When I commit to something or to someone, I really try to give it my all, which is why I get hurt so easily. That, I can answer.
Signed; Desperately Seeking An Answer
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Dear Desperately Seeking An Answer,
Whether you have met him, or not, a loss of any sort can be a painful experience to endure. Yet you need not stop loving and caring but must start focusing on loving and caring for yourself. You undoubtedly possess the characteristics to do so and you will eventually recover from your loss. Your grief will subside overtime. Your interest in other things, and your joy for life, were there before you met him and they will be there once again.
There is hope to keep you going in the meantime, and what you hope for usually comes true. Visualize what you want and make it happen. Time is of the essence. Life is a wellspring of chance, mystery, and faiths, which I believe all work in sync with self actualization and self empowerment, for the ultimate life experience. Trust in the importance of your existence, stay active, and learn how you can be a radiant beacon to others who are seeking enlightenment. This light of yours will be an irresistible attraction to everyone and everything.
First you must face the five stages of recovery from grief, in order they are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. How quickly acceptance and happiness is achieved is up to you. You possess the power.
XYZ
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It seems to me that you had more invested in this relationship than he did. Unfortunately there is no cure for a broken heart. In time it will get easier to deal with it. I wish all the luck.
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You never stated how long ago this was; was it recent? or a few months ago. It makes a difference because if it was just a week or 2, chances are he will communicate when he gets ready but if it was a few months ago, I would have to tell you, try to find out what happened but don't be surprised if you don't. This happened to me and we were married and I had the exact same questions you have. Every day was like death and I couldn't understand how the world kept moving when my world was falling apart. It was a year after my divorce that he told me why. You need closure to what, you will never know until he is ready to talk. But, life will go on and you will go forward. I never thought I would but I did.
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I think I've been in your situation before.. I dated a guy for 2 years.. and when we broke up.. he never gave me a reason to why we broke up.. He just told me he didnt know... its been almost a year now.. and I love him still to this day as much as I did when i first met him.. If I could go back in time and change the things i did with him to make them right.. i would do it... But I dont think you can ever stop loving and caring for someone that you loved soo much.. I dont think there is any possible way. I know its hard.. But... You only have 2 options here.. and it's either to talk to this guy and see what is up.. and have him answer all the questions you have been wondering.. and your 2nd option would be to try your hardest to move on.. I know it will be hard.. But.. It will be soo much easier for you.. you wont be in as much pain.. and you'll never no.. If you dont start trusting someone or anyone you will never find out whats out there for you.. There are many fish in the sea... go by that.. There is a guy out there wanting a girl/women like you... I hope I helped.. I answered as best I could..
If ya need anything... Drop one in my inbox..
~*Jackie~*
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Alright... one... when as deep a trust and faith is built between two people, such as in your situation, it is very easy for one half of the relationship to NOT want to tell you of something they did BECAUSE of the level of trust that you have together... for example, lets say he cheated on you... he is so ashamed after the fact that he cannot gather himself together to tell you what he has done... therefore he looks for an alternate escape... total exile. He hears you say you cant talk at the moment and sees his chance to escape... now, by calling him, you are telling him that you definitely still care even though he has made the mistake of cuttting opff connections with you... and with every call he receives from you, comes the love you have shared with him for however long it may have been. One thing I have grown to understand is that if it is meant to be, everything will work out. At some point he will let the fault he has made go by, and he will contact you and make sense of teh broken-heartedness he has casued. In the mean time, it is a smart idea to just lay low, in my opinion. Let him have his space. Butt in one final attempt, write a letter to him explaining all of the feelings you have displayed here, and whatever else you are feeling that you can or cannot release here. He HAS to check his mail... and curiousity kills the cat, he WILL read it. The day after you send it, call numerous times and try to get an answer. If he still continues to ignore you, stop completely. Once again, curiousity will overcome him, and he will call you to find out if you are ok. By the looks of it, this is something deeper than a sudden silence... something that has to be felt by all members of the party, you, and him. And if it is at the level at which you claim it to be before the sudden loss of conversation, than he will be back, and this my friend, just abump in the road of a long and helathy relationship...
-Jon
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It's like you and I are in an extremely similar situation. It's so weird. I read your problem and I'm like, wow sounds like I wrote this. I wish I could give you great advice and help you get over this whole situation and work past the problems, but unfortunately I can't. I don't know the answers myself. I know the unbearable feeling, the empty stomach. Trust me, I know. The only thing that I've found to do is to watch tv or movies, do crossword puzzles, stupid little things that keep my interest. I go out whenever I have the chance to try and remember that I made it before him and I'll make it after him. If you know where he works, send him flowers and on the card simply write...thinking of you, dont know where we went wrong, if this is what you want, tell me, i just need closure. Closure is the key to ending all relationships. Without that it makes it almost impossible to get over someone. I desperately feel for you sweetie and I wish I had more to say to you to help out your situation. But like I say, I'm going through the same thing.Find something to occupy your time to make that smile, that smirk, the love for life of yours come back even if just a little bit. From the sounds of it we are pretty similar and we're goooooood people. Maybe he just needs a little time to sort out his feelings. If things were as good as you say they were, he's gonna call. He would be stupid to let something that great walk out of his life. Best of luck with everything. Let me know how everything turns out! Muahhhhh....keep your head up! Nice women like us are hard to find.
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You went and wrote down a long explaination and i shall give you a honest answer. I do not believe you are a fool. But i would like to ask you for a favor i need to know what that awkward lil communication was for me to fully understand what had happened cause im not sure of what happened. But of this feeling you have in your heart and your gut that is hurting you, its just that you are longing for a love that will probably never will be again *maybe you think this consciously maybe not* but even so i dont know what happened but if hes not answering your calls or anything like that then you need to find him and confront him face to face if you want to be with him again.
~Dom
im not sure of what happened but for me to give you more of an answer i need to know if you will allow me to know.
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