|
I have been married to a man I consider my soul mate for eighteen years. We have a 5 year daughter. My father died about a year ago. My husband loved him more than his own father (who is a selfish, egotistical, non-caring male). The loss touched us all greatly. I turned to taking care of my mom (my father's dying wish) and my daughter. I didn't realize that my husband had turned to drugs. On Feb 17, 2003 he was arrested and sentenced to 15 years. His tenative release date is Oct 2013. On Valentine's day (3 days before his arrest) his present to me was a broken leg. I still love this man. He seems to have changed since he has been in jail from the letters that he sends. Ironically it will be Valentine's day before I can see him. He was never violent during the times previous to my father's death. But he built a persona of me in his mind that he seems to hang on to. 10 years is a long time to wait. I have been told by others that he will be a harder person when he gets out. I had returned to school and will get my degree in Spring of 2005. I am not sure if I should remain married to him or not. I am afraid that all the lovely words he is writing is because he is afraid of abandonment. There are a lot of other details too numerous to mention but pertinent to the situation. But because of what he has done I have lost my home, my transportation, and my life. Should I give him a second chance or not?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the category?
Maybe give some free advice about: ?
ok thats a easy one be careful of jail house talk, they will tell you anything to get money letters and visits,and then flip on you when they get out be careful of his motives sounds like a relatonship better left alone ,or better off dead,dig a hole and put it there because thats where it belongs find a new love and go on with your life good luck .. anissa..
]
good luck. if he's your soul-mate why didnt he tell you abou the drug problem, or atleast talk about the pain he was going through?
like the previous person says, he has everything to gain and nothing to lose and in this position he can try and manipulate you. your number one priority is to yourself and your child... think about what you want.
]
Well I thik by the time hes out of jail he will definetley be a better person. I think that maybe you should really talk to someone. Is your heart still set on him or are you just in need of love and comfort. Think about it.
-shay :-)
]
My God! First, my condolensces on your loss. I know how devastating it is to lose someone so dear and to have it compounded by extraneous circumstances aside from the passing. My heart truly goes out to you. Now...you say he "turned to drugs" without specifics. However, I would guess, based on the amount of time he received, that it wasn't simple "use". Nevertheless, he is incarcerated. I know it's hard for you to "let go" of both, the marriage and what you have come to know as your life up until now. Eighteen years is a considerable amount of time for ANYONE. But, I wonder if you're hesitant to let go because of your desire to try and rectify what you had, or fear of starting anew without him. If you were my best friend, I would strongly suggest that you never return to ANYONE who felt that violence was an acceptable means of solving things. I would tell you that he "appears" to have changed in jail becuase he's probably feeling very alone, afraid and worthless and needs something tangible to hold onto. That something is YOU. You are comfortable to him. You're all he has left. He knows that the chances of your waiting are slim to none. As a result, he tries everything he can think of to hold on to that which makes him feel most secure, nothing more, nothing less. You sound as if you're very much in touch with the emotional/mental ramifications of being incarcerated and that's a good thing. He WILL be "harder" upon release and unless he receives extensive counseling in regards to his abusive nature, he may continue to do so when he's out.
You've moved on...or, you're in the process of doing so. You're close to having your degree ( Congratulations ), and you seem to have something in mind towards which you are working. I hate to say it, but I believe you have enough in your life right now. Taking on the added emotional burden of an incarcerated and emotionally "needy" spouse could and would only complicate matters. It will be tough, but you should think of what's best for ALL involved, cut the ties and move forward...without him. I'm also thinking that there's alot more that you may have to express in regards to all of this. My personal e mail is displayed here. If you ever feel the desire...or need, to discuss anything, please feel free to drop me a line. I'd be glad to help in anyway I can. Keep your head up. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.
]
I can relate to your story because I used to be an addict myself the only difference is I am a female and that I wasn't arrested for it. When you're in drugs you think and act differently. Your whole world revolves around it and not the people around you...You're a completely different person...but once you've gotten rid of it you'll be yourself again. My husband was aware of what I was going through and he's always been there giving me encouragement and support. I couldn't have done it without him.
Your husband needs your support and encouragement more than ever...and yes he is probably afraid of abandonment...wouldn't you feel that way too if you were in his shoes? After years of spending your life as a prisoner, If he is naturally a kind man, he must've realized all the wrong things that he did and will make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes again. Give him another chance. If you truly love him you will wait for him.
]
Hi, First Prison/Jail does make you "Harder" im going to be Honest im 18 years old with many experiences in this world and Prison is no joke so I can guarantee he is going to be different and getting back into the world is going to be another challenge because of the times/things that have changed. You ask should I give him another Chance? Visit him and talk with him about whats going on, not about the second chance, just about life and visit him often and this is going to be the most simplistic advice yet most powerful advice, WHAT DOES YOUR HEART TELL YOU TO DO? When you listen to your heart it will reveal the secrets the eyes and ears do not hear or see. I hope this helped you, and if you have another questions send them to my inbox for I will answer them right away.
Cspinoza1
]
So right now by reading what you have wrote, there is some question towards him...He still has 9yrs left in jail, am i correct? And you said you will get your degree in spring 2005...Lets start with his release date, is there an option of early parole?
You seem to be getting your life in order, would taking him back be a positive step for you, or would you be trying to rekindle what you had in the past...You have lost alot because of him, and it seems like you are trying to rebuild your life. How would you feel about him coming in and possibly disrupting or even taking it away from you again...I dont know the whole story, but I do know that you deserve to make a great life for you, your daughter and your mother...
]
Do not confuse love with a dependance. Love is completely two-way. If you want to keep him only because (naturally) he was a decent person, you don't want to "lose" a husband, and he is the father of your daughter, those are just reasons. that is not love.
If you don't want to deeply search your own emotions, look to your daughter. She is five years old now and will not see this man until she is fifteen. He will not be present in her life during the most important, impressionable period in her entire existance. Your daughter needs a father daily who will kiss and hold her, take her on outings, have philosophical talks and show her constellations and build snow forts and grilled cheese sandwiches. This man will never be a father to her and he has ceased to be a husband and partner to you.
Abuse in any form is unforgivable, because there are no one-time transgressions. Once he makes the mental link that "I can hurt her and get away with it, and it makes me empowered", that will always be somewhere in his mind. Once that line is crossed, you will always be subservient to him and he will push that boundary farther and farther.
I cannot see any way your life, and your daughter's life, could be enriched by retaining this man in your home and family. I am glad that you are returning to school. Remember his letters are written from a man who has NOTHING to lose and everything to gain. He can speak from any tone he likes because he cannot be any worse position. Look at his words very carefully and do not put too much stock in them. He has already shown he is weak enough to abuse drugs and the woman he once may have loved. This is not what you want to subject yourself and your daughter to!
Do anything you must to get onward and upward. I'm sure you can do it.
]
He gave you a broken leg? When I first read this I thought you meant he broke his leg. I was going to advise you to be compassionate if you wouldn't gain anything significant from divorce. Then I reread your question. Whether he was abusive because of drugs or not doesn't matter. You have the responsibility to protect yourself. I would divorce him just for the broken leg. Physical abuse is completely unacceptable no matter what the circumstances.
]
It really is all up to you. Whether you think he deserves a second chance or not, if you truly do love him, you'll give him another chance. If you think you might have a hard time with him still in your life, then don't give him that chance. Take a deep breath, relax, and think whether or not he would be better in your life. What positive and negative influences will he have on you, your mother, and your daughter if he is still in your life once he is released. It shouldn't be an instant decision, but you'll eventually come to a decision. :)
]
More Questions: |