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Hello advicenators, I am a 15 year old male and have struggled with self harm for 4 years and various eating disorders and I think I may be gay. Yes that is quite a handful of things, but I am bulimia binge free for 3 months and haven't cut for 6 days ( after a 3 week clean). I'm frustrated about my sexuality in general and feel different in the backwards little town I live in. I honestly just want to cut and fall asleep for a while and wake up and know for sure if I will be accepted and if I am more than bisexual. I grow weary of all this uncertainty, but I understand how there is no 100% way to know at my age. My mother knows, and she has been making offensive jokes about it and sneers at the very fact of it all... I want this to stop more than anything.(I am on Zoloft by the way for
depression)I used to go to counseling. I want to be on for five fucking minutes for once. That is my plea for help, and I'm not sure if anyone will even read this let alone have any solutions for my questions.should I be in counseling again, and is there anyone out there I can trust enough to let them help me? (link)
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I didn't read all the other replies, so I'm sure you've received some great advice already. But when I was in high school, my then-boyfriend went through some similar issues: cutting himself, questioning his sexuality, antidepressants, eating disorders. I tried to help him as best I could at the time, and those experiences taught me a lot. If you just need someone to talk to, feel free to privately message me and I'll give you my email (to protect my BF's anonymity).
Also, please PLEASE don't feel like there is anything wrong with you questioning your sexuality. Regardless of what your mom or anyone else in your town thinks. You don't even need to know right now if you're gay or not. Just take the time to love and accept yourself, and when someone comes into your life who perks your interest, be it male or female, you can take it from there. I'm from a small, very conservative, religious town, and I'm all-too-familiar with anti-gay sentiment. (Our town even once made national news for a Day of Silence fiasco). But you know what? I got out of high school, went to college, and traveled around the world. I found out that most people are not so closed-minded, and don't feel the need to see someone as being defined only by their sexuality, or their religion, or their political beliefs. They are genuinely interested in who you are as a person. I have gay friends, bi friends, asexual friends, and straight friends of all different races and religions. And now those people in my old town seem small and limited.
You've only got about 3 years before you can get out into the larger world. Hang in there, it's worth it.
Really, pm me anytime you want to talk.
--Pollux
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Well, this might be a little long, but I'll start at the beginning and try to summarize it as much as I can without making this pointless.
There's this girl a year younger than me who has been kind of a friend since a few years ago in high school. We met through some mutual friends in freshman year, and we were both kind of quiet, like we both were with pretty much everyone.
After a while she started to sort of open up just a little bit, and talk with me(which was rare for her to do with anyone but close friends). We had basically identical interests(music, art, adrenaline rushes, Japanese culture, a general loathing of most humans, etc.). Then in my senior year we had a class together with a bunch of horribly immature, obnoxious underclassmen, and we instantly bonded. We sat in the back next to each other every day, helped each other get our work done early, joked around in our own crazy way, and started talking about hanging out more.
I'll skip ahead a bit. During our time in class together, we had half-jokingly talked about going on some adventures together - scuba diving, skydiving, a trip to Japan. Well, a few weeks ago, she messaged me on facebook saying she had hooked us up with some cheap skydiving through her friend. After a little talking about when, where, and how much it would cost, she revealed that she was deathly terrified of heights and had never told anyone. And despite her usually ice-cold, steely resolve(another thing we shared), she would be screaming the moment the door opened and it was time to jump.
So we continued with our plans, and just before we figured out a date for it, "something came up" that made her miss the rest of diving season.
So, she's opened up to me more than she's opened up to anyone, and she's tried her hardest - despite her terrible fears - to go out of her way to go on some new adventure with just the two of us. She doesn't look at me with the cold, careful, un-trusting glare the rest of the world gets from her. I can't tell what it is, but whatever it is, it's something deep. And she's fine with friendly physical contact with me, where anyone else who so much as brushes accidentally against her arm would be wise to quickly count their fingers.
What I'm wondering is if any of you have an idea what it might be. Just friendly? Or trying to show there's something more? (link)
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There's no hard-and-fast rules here, but it sounds like she might be interested in you.
Go for it -- what have you got to lose? Find something unique in your area to do, and ask her to go with you as a date. If she then says she doesn't want it to be a date, then just ask her as a friend, and maybe invite another friend or two along so it wouldn't be awkward.
But from the sound of it, she's willing to take a chance on you. :)
Good luck,
Pollux
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Kind of things did the officers tell you (link)
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I think I visited with my Girl Scout troop back in the day, so in some sense it was probably a scare tactic "Don't do bad things, m'kay?" sort of approach.
But I was actually surprised at how, well, nice the jails were, at least around my area. They had a rec facility, library, pretty decent meals, religious leaders who would come in for those that wanted it, and also some 'job training' guidance so that people could become gainfully employed after serving time.
The officers told us about some of the nastier aspects like fights/thieving that would sometimes happen, but said this was largely confined to the higher security areas. Also the inmates told us that the biggest downside to regular jail is the extreme lack of privacy, and that it's hard to sleep at night because people go a little stir-crazy packed in with each other, especially those that have been there for a while. Depends a lot on whether you're in a "pod" (with about 8 roommates) or whether you just have one bunkmate, and I suppose it depends on what your bunkmates are in for. But the officers said people who commit similar crimes are usually grouped together, so my guess is that your mom is in a low-security area with a bunch of other pretty decent people, and you have nothing to worry about going to visit her.
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thanks for answering my question I just got a few others
1. I made some joking comments to her saying things like "oh now mom will be getting ordered around by people" , also compared prison food to school lunches and her having to dress and shower in front of other inmates and a guard similar to the gym locker room. My mom is not asking for any kind of pity party and it is clear she does not mind being self depreciating about this. I think this has helped make the situation more comfortable for everyone, but some might say we are making "light" of a serious thing.
2. I was wondering if I should visit her. While I have no problem with her I wonder if I should go into a jail. My dad said she would appreciate a visit and it could be "interesting and educational". Do you think so?
3. What is meant exactly by "And I think it's great that you're able to get to know your mom on a more personal level now...usually that comes much later in life."
thanks
(link)
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1. What else can really be done but to make light of it? It sounds like your mom knows she made some mistakes, she's not likely to do so again. If her sentence were years in jail or the crime more serious, that would change things. But 6 months for financial stuff isn't too bad ... Heck, there are peace activists who have gotten worse. As long as your mom is okay with joking around, I think it's fine.
2. I think you should visit her. I'm sure both of you will miss each other as the months go on, I don't think there's any harm in it. I was in a jail at a very young age and it didn't leave any serious impressions. Now, if it were a max security prison it would be a different story. But I actually did learn a lot from the officers at the jail.
3. You said before that it feels like you can talk to your mom much more easily now. I think that's totally natural...probably because you can see the human side of her -- the side that's not 'mom' or 'wife' but a person who sometimes makes mistakes. Usually people only start getting this view of their parents in their 20s and 30s, but I think you starting to see that now can only help strengthen your bond.
So accept however you feel about this, and if your feelings ever change, accept those too. Tell your parents how you're feeling. The only way things turn out "wrong" here is if you hide how you're feeling. That could come back to bite you later.
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Okay so I have a pair of active socks, high socks that go halfway up your tibia. Here's the problem, I don't have vans OR converse and there is NO chance I'm getting a new pair within 4 Months cause my mom just got me expensive uggs.thanks mom! Btw I'm not sarcastic. I have a pair of nikes though. But the problem with that is i am aiming for cool clean girl look. I can do that with a pair of vans, active socks, a cute tank, and some shorties.i think this is tomboy cool:nikes, active socks, shorts, and a tank. Idk it just doesn't make the outfit look clean and sleek. I am trying to be a role model, dress what represents you and Idk if it does. Do you think it is a big deal? Well duh no, I am talking about shoes while other people are trying to solve identity crisis, but what I mean is do you think it won't matter whether thy are sky blue vans or gray nikes? And sorry if I'm wasted your time with this not very important question (link)
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Don't worry, I asked a question that was pretty darn important (to me) and then saw one where a girl's dad had a heart attack and had to be put on life support. Perspective.
But hey, fashion is fun, it's like functional art you can wear around, it expresses a part of you. If you don't feel like the Nikes are the look you're going for, then don't wear them! Do you have a Salvation Army/Goodwill/any thrift shop nearby? I'm always short on money but have expensive tastes when it comes to fashion, and you can find some great stuff at Goodwill. Vans or Converse should be pretty easy to find if you're near a big-ish city.
If not, I'm sure you can still rock the high socks/Nikes combo, and in a few months when you can get the Vans, it will be that much more fun.
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I'm just wondering...have healt problems....big and not only one..almost no way out..dont wana talk about.Wahat is chepest & most efective method to end life? Somekind of self eutanazia?
Maybe car gas........but it's not fast and 100% sure.
Drugs and pils out of question.
Enything else?
What you sugest?
Thanks
Serafin P (link)
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I cannot in good conscience tell someone an effective method to end their life. That information is out there anyway, and if you're determined to find it, you will. If you're dealing with major health issues, I really do understand where you're coming from. But I don't think you're ready to go yet...you're here asking for help on a public forum, and I think you're really struggling to find one last way out. So I'm going to give you my two cents and let you decide what's best for you.
I've been in a really low place before. Life has its moments of intensity: intense pain, suffering, loss, injustice. But also intense joy, such happiness that it fights to get out of your chest and rejoin the infinite space that it came from. The key to getting through anything is standing up and staring straight into it; embracing all of it, the joy and the suffering, and feeling gratitude that YOU get to experience any of it. You grow stronger, wiser, are closer to figuring out why you're here anyway. And now that you have experienced intense suffering you will know what intense joy really is. If you're dead it's not easier, there's nothing to BE easier. No you. Nothing.
Maybe that doesn't mean a lot right now because you've got a lot weighing you down. But consider something: I think when people want to end their own lives, it's usually not because they truly have no way out or feel like they have no one in their lives, it's because they feel like they've become a burden -- a toxic, negative force to those around them. That's certainly how I felt at the darkest time in my life. The funny thing is, if you ask any of the people that care about you, they won't say you're a burden. Maybe they just don't know how to help.
You have the right to feel however you're feeling, and to act as you see fit. But if you decide to stick it out and fight a while longer, maybe I can help. I'm good at listening, talking if you need it, and I'm especially good at finding creative solutions to problems that seem like they have none.
So feel free to get in touch with me: Nevaeh314@gmail.com.
I hope things start looking up.
--Pollux
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i have loved a person a lot and we both decided to marry but our parents are not accepting, my parents fixed a match and they are forcing me to do that when is said this to my beloved person he said insted of hurting every one we will marry to our parents wish but even he dont like this ..we both want to lead life to gether but our parents are not listening to us and they are saying they will die if we wont listen to them. (link)
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Wow. First, let me say that I don't have much experience with this particular issue. But I imagine that balancing familial duty with your own need to be independent and love whomever you choose is very difficult. Nobody likes displeasing their parents, but you have to consider the alternative: can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you may or may not come to love?
Now, I don't believe that there is just one perfect person for everyone out there, and your parents may have indeed chosen a good match for you - someone who would be a very caring husband that clearly has your family's approval. Maybe you would come to love him too. But maybe you wouldn't, and would always regret following your parent's wishes.
I see a few options.
(1) Continue talking to your parents. Rest assured, they will not die if you don't listen to them. For them to tell you this is very emotionally manipulative, and I think you should say so. Tell them that you love them and want to respect them, but that they should be supportive of you and want only the best for you: your happiness. Try to be as open as possible - ask them what it is that they don't like about the man you want to marry and why they think their choice is a better match. Perhaps they just haven't come to know your person as well as you do, and they are afraid he won't be able to provide as good a life for you as they would like. But remind them that this is YOUR life, and your choice to make, and remind them how unhappy you would be if you forsook true love for an arranged marriage.
(2) If your parents don't budge, and you don't want to explicitly go against their wishes, you could be slightly sneakier in your approach. Do you know the match your parents chose for you? If you do, then I would suggest talking to him. Asking if he is really comfortable with an arranged marriage. Perhaps he is in a similar situation to yours, and wants to choose his own love for himself. If your parents here from him or his family that he doesn't want the marriage anymore, then this may solve your problem. However, I re-emphasize that I don't really know how arranged marriages work and I don't know if this approach would be seen as highly disrespectful in your culture.
(3) If all else fails, marry the person you want to marry, and do it for love. Start bringing your boyfriend around your parents more so that they can warm up to him. They will eventually come around. All (or at least most) parents want the best for their children, and they will eventually see that you are happy with your chosen person.
I hope this helps, I wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation! Feel free to message me if you need anything else.
~Pollux
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Hi, ok so im 20 and female and have always been a little... odd. my first bf i broke up with a couple months ago but im over it and feel im ready to date again. im currently in university but.. as it turns out there is a very large glbt population here and most of the guys who are cute and nice to me turn out to be gay or turn around and say "im not ready for a relationship blah blah blah". i will soon be asking my doctor for a referral to a psychologist as i think i may have mild aspergers but that is a whole other story. i would like to try online dating but im very close to my family and my parents are always in the loop about what im doing, where i am, who im chillin with, etc. people might say im to old for that and should be more independent but it makes me feel more secure if they know. ANYWAYS i would like to try online dating but am not sure how to breach the topic with my family, i have just recently discussed with them going to see a psychologist and get assesed and that was kind of a big bomb. i dont want join a site, meet someone amazing and then tell my parents, "so i have a new boyfriend. oh where di u meet him? Online. :P they would flip but if the knew i was dating online they might be a little more open and supportive.
so...
1. should i bring this up with them?
2. if yes, how?
3. any insight or advice is greatly appreciated.
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Hey there.
Yes, I think you should go ahead and try online dating! There's always the Dateline specials about all the reasons you shouldn't do it, but if you're smart about it (and convince your parents that you're going to be smart about it) then it's just as safe as meeting a stranger in a coffee shop. (Which is to say, they both have their inherent risks). I would suggest OkCupid. A friend of mine made me a profile on the site and I've had a good experience with it so far, and as a bonus, it's free!
So first things first: DON'T put personal identifying information like your real name, your phone number, email address, etc. on sites like this. Don't even give them out to a guy you've been messaging for a while. Wait it out until you've met a person at least a few times and you're fairly sure they're not a creep. Oh, and you'll probably get a bunch of creepy messages on any online dating site, but you can just delete them.
Second, whenever you meet someone for the first time, make sure you have your own transportation to and from, make sure it's in a public place during the daytime, and that you also have a good friend hiding discreetly wherever you're meeting the person. In case there's trouble or it just goes really badly, you've got someone there.
Okay, on to your actual question.
(1) Yes, you should tell your parents. Of course, you could always dodge the "where did you meet them?" question by saying "a coffee shop" or wherever your first actual date was. But I'm close with my parents too, and I think it's only natural to seek their approval and support.
(2) Easy. Make yourself a profile online, then call them and give them the link. You can discuss how you've taken all the safety precautions, and that you're going into it with eyes wide open and you're not going to meet every guy who messages you. If the bar thing isn't really your scene (bonus points from parents!) then you can tell them how difficult it is to meet people when you don't go partying, and that you're tired of getting rejected by gay guys. =) You're expanding your options and the profile lets you get to know people a little bit better before just striking up a conversation with them.
I think as long as you're honest and your parents know you're being smart about it, they should be supportive.
Hope this helps, feel free to message me if you need any other advice!
~Pollux
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hey guys so my bf n i recently got n in a long distance rela recently and in that time he made some new friends (3 months of friendship only) and in the time i have seen his pics of fb ... there is always this girl that he hangs out with all the tme ... he said thta he is a gud friend of hers ... so i cant even create a big issue out of it ... yesterday he told me he ll be doing a project which he has to run every night .. that means no more talking to him .. during the week days .. n it was already hard to digest that but i was like this is for his career but then today he told me that his 3rd partner is the girl who he hangs out with a lot .. the only prob that i have is that is that he ll be spending more time with that girl .. than with me ... i know tlking on skype can be boring but i am willing to give him that much amoutn of time of my lfe than y cant he ... the pics of him with that girl r like she kissing him on his cheeks or she is leaning on his shoulder ... anyhow ... i dont know what should do i do .. talk to him bout it .. he is surely be like wth its my work ... i cant be selfish but how do i control my feelings? pls help thx (link)
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I don't want to read into this too much, but it sounds to me like you have every right to be worried. Even if he's not into this other girl romantically, he's making excuses so he doesn't need to make the effort to skype you or call you -- the only real contact you have with each other during a long distance relationship.
And to be honest, if she's in pics kissing him on the cheek and leaning on him, it sounds to me like she's trying to make some advances, and he's not setting boundaries with her.
Long distance relationships can be hard enough without the "other person" worries, so it sounds to me like you need to talk to your boyfriend and ask him why he can't make the time to call you. He can do it when he's not at work or working on this project. It's also fair for you to ask why he can make so much time for this girl (as evidenced by pics on fb) but not for you, and you can feel out what he's told her about your relationship. If he's dodgy about it or shuts you down with some simple excuse then that's a problem -- any good relationship (and especially a long-distance one!) is built on a foundation of good communication.
I've been on both ends of this situation with the "other person" and I've also done the long-distance thing: trust me, you don't want to let this fester in your mind and say nothing about it. In the long run, it ends up worse for everyone.
Hope this helps, good luck!
~Pollux
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i am a male in my early 20s and i have a very weird fetish that i dont know what to do about it. ok here it goes... i have a bald women fetish. sometimes i go on the internet looking for videos, pictures, and stories of women shaving thier heads completly bald. i dont what to do. i feel like a complte weirdo every time i look up stuff but i cant help it. and i dont think i will ever be able to be in a meaningful relationship because of it. i feel very conflicted because i also love long hair on girls. i dont know what i should do about this. i just hate feeling dirty and like a creep. (link)
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That's pretty tame as far as fetishes go, and completely harmless. ;)
Don't worry about it, you're not a creep and you're not dirty just because a bald head turns you on. You might be surprised at the number of "ordinary" people who have a fetish that they hide from the rest of the world...everybody's got something.
As far as how you can be in a meaningful relationship -- you can take one of two routes. You can either keep it a secret (pretty harmless, even if at some point you're discovered), or you can be completely open with the person you're with. Hey, maybe a girl's not willing to shave her head for you, but there are always bald caps. And after you confess, maybe she'll feel more comfortable sharing one of her fantasies with you. =) I don't think anyone, including romantic interests, will see you as a creep.
Hope this helps!
~Pollux
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Hello,
I am currently 19 years old. When i was working for a concert, I met an awesome guy who was the sound engineer for one of the artists. He was kinda cute so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. We talked continuously for weeks but he lives in Los Angeles and I live in Florida. He came to Florida for a show he had to do and I went to hangout with him a second time. We clicked really well and continued to talk all the time. He bought me a plane ticket to LA and I went and stayed with him for a few days and it was awesome. He told me he will try and see me again in a month or so. I really like him, but the problem is he is 31 and I'm only 19. I haven't felt this way about a person in a long time so I don't really know how to throw it all away. I don't wanna sound immature to him either. He says he likes me but I'm curious to see if he likes me as much as I like him. Is it worth it to continue talking or should I break it off? (link)
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12 years is a big age difference when you're 19, but not SO big when you're 25 or so. I've dated some older guys (largest gap being 11 years at 22) and had great experiences with those relationships, it's not worth throwing away JUST on the basis of the age difference if you really feel there's a good connection.
However. There some other issues to consider here, and they are correlated to each other. If you can only see each other occasionally because of the long-distance thing, then it could be that he wants a casual relationship with you while still being free to pursue other relationships while you're apart. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing if you're both up for it, but he should be clear with you (and you should be honest with yourself about whether you're okay with this), if that's the case. Also, you'll probably want to make sure that he's not just looking for a young, hot girl to sleep with once in a while (the guys who will ONLY go for much younger girls are generally bad news) -- does he introduce you to his friends? Would he be willing to come and visit you? Be introduced to your friends? Does he keep in contact regularly while you're apart? Just paying attention to some of these things can help you figure that out. Or, if you're bold enough, you can just ask him. ;)
Also, if the relationship isn't casual, and you both feel that strong connection to each other, the distance itself could be a huge issue. It's hard enough when two people with an established relationship have to spend some time doing the long-distance thing, but nearly impossible to both establish and maintain a relationship long-distance. It's hard to really get to know someone from across the country, and can be very lonely when you really want them there by your side. Keep in mind that there are plenty of guys in Florida that you could probably 'click with' equally well, if not better -- and they have the advantage of being able to keep you warm at night. ;)
So I wouldn't break it off immediately without giving it a chance, but keep these things in mind, talk to him about what he wants and really question yourself about what you want.
Hope this helps, good luck!
Pollux
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Okay so I don't know what to do. I don't think I can be his friend at all cause we always end up getting back or hooking up and it plays with my emotions really bad.
A few days ago I got lunch with a mutual friend of ours and of course my ex came up. He asked me if I was talking to him still. And I said no but I didn't have anything against him. He then went on to say that he doesn't know how to feel because he's almost certain he's still relapsing because my ex said he went on a date with this girl (his parents gave him money for this) and was gone from 12 noon till 4 am. Another day he got picked up from this sketchy white truck who no ones ever met and when his dad asked he said he and his friend were going to Miami with these 5 girls.
Now I'm not sure if he's using this as a way to get his parents off his back about his drug use (oh he's hanging out with girls, maybe that means he's clean) or he is really just meeting other people. Or both... but I feel completely broken. I can't believe he said all this about wanting me and still having feelings for me and then is just going out and meeting other girls and giving his number out. I know that one girl got his number but he told one friend he didn't think he wanted to get a girl involved while he was figuring out his life. But this kills me because I thought he would come back to me if he got his life together, not just replace me.
The sad thing is I know we prob will never be able to work out from all we've been through. But that doesn't mean I don't love him and feel horrible. I wish that he really realizedhow much I was there for him. And how good of a girlfriend I was to him. Not just replace me with the snap of his fingers :'(
I've never felt this sad before and like I won't be happy without him in my life. I constantly wonder if he's going to come back this time or if he will just move on with his life :'( this month is the longest we have ever gone without talking so maybe he won't come back and has really moved on with his life. Please any help would be amazing. I feel insecure and like I'm never gonna be happy without him or find someone else :/ (link)
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I'm sorry about the delayed response, I was on vacation and didn't have internet for a while.
I really feel for you here, I've been in similar situations and it hurts. The thing is, if he gave his number out to another girl, he's not replacing you. You were a great girlfriend for him and gave him love and support, and she'll just be another one of his victims if drugs are still ruling his life. In my opinion his behavior definitely indicates relapse, and he's just seeking out the company of other people who will accept that rather than pushing him to get clean and be something more.
I know how hard this is, but right now, I think you have to let him go. For a while you're going to feel like there's no happiness in your life, miss him terribly, feel like you won't find someone else. And you've got to accept that you're going to feel that way while still realizing you're doing the right thing. Maybe he will clean up his act, maybe he will change, but until he does, you can't hang on to that hope. You've got to go on with YOUR life and know that you're an incredible person and a great addition to anyone you're with. And if he chooses drugs, a fast lifestyle, and casual meetups over that, then he's not worth it.
You deserve to find a person who truly appreciates you and doesn't put you second in his life. He won't forget you, I guarantee, and if he realizes he needs to clean up his act, he's going to know that you won't tolerate his behavior and respect you more for it.
I really hope this situation gets better for you.
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My parents divorced when I was 15 months old. My mother had custody, while my father had visitation. I remember times not seeing my dad, some because he never showed up free he said he would, other times there was just limited visits. After I turned 5 I completely stopped seeing my father an stepmother. Growing up, I was told my father did this or that, whether my brother and I asked or just information thrown at us. Now I am 27, and have slowly begun to form a relationship with my father. I have had about 4 visits with him in the past year and a half. About 4 months ago I've developed a relationship with my stepmother also. Her and I have become close. My stepmother informed me of my fathers side I the story of why my parents split. Evidentially there were marital issues, therefore resulting in a trial separation, when my mother decided to have an "affair" while seperated and going to counseling. Granted my biological mother and I have always had a tense relationship, but this news made me feel very angry with my biological mom. I questioned my brother on why I had been told, and he confirmed that my mother slept with someone else. I never knew til recently, however my mom told my brother quite some time ago. Since I've started taking to my stepmother my mom has been snooping some and trash talking my dad and stepmother, I assume to continue hiding her secret, as she does not know I am aware of her infidelity. So, my question is do I have a right to be angry with my mother? And how should I approach telling her I know when the subject arises again? (link)
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Talk to your mom. You're 27 now so I'm sure you know how messy relationships can be, and far from being an extreme circumstance, what happened between your parents is actually pretty common. It's such a difficult thing navigating the waters of people's emotional and physical needs, and remember that while your parents have their love and their obligation to you, they are also people and go through the same struggles and uncertainties.
Now, hopefully with so much time since the divorce, they are able to be mature and civil about it now. But it doesn't always happen this way. And of course you have a right to feel angry with your mom - she told your brother (and not you) about the infidelity, she's trash-talking your dad now, and of course there's all your feelings about the infidelity in the first place. You have a right to feel whatever you're feeling.
But if you just bury this and continue to hide that you know, your resentment will only grow, and that won't do you or anyone else any good. People say there's three sides to any story: one person's, the other person's, and then the truth. Tell your mom what you found out from your dad, and tell her how you're feeling about it. Tell her that you're trying to have a good relationship with both her and your dad, and you hope that their personal feelings about one another won't stand in the way of that.
The hardest thing to do might be forgiving your mom for what happened, but try to remember that people make mistakes, big ones, and they also struggle to live with the consequences of that all their lives. I'm sure your mom isn't too happy about what happened either. So just talk to her about it, have an open and honest conversation and try not to place blame, and hopefully reach some peace.
I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you need any other advice.
~Pollux
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I broke up with my on and off again boyfriend (for 3 years) almost a month ago. He has a drug problem and relapsed. I had so much hope this time because he went to a rehab and was such a different person than before. We were doing really well and then he came to visit me because I was up doing summer classes at my college and he lives in our hometown. Well he relapsed a few days before...I had no idea. And then when he left a few people asked me about it from our hometown so I asked him and he started crying. I knew he was mostly crying because of the drugs and was trying to push some of the pressure on me. Plus then I felt like I couldnt be mad that he came up and slept with me while he was lying to my face. So I just ended it. And a few days later he tried calling/texting and I didnt respond. Then he asked later through text if it would be too hard to talk and I said yes. Then he went on to say that when he figured out his life he really wanted a second shot with me and he really loved me so much. I could tell from his texts that he was nervous and I just kept saying I wanted him to do it for himself and I couldnt promise anything. This was like a month ago.
I knew those texts would mess with my mind. Now that I'm home I'm going crazy. I keep rethinking and rereading his texts and wondering if I made a mistake. and if somehow I was being a bad person for not sticking with him and supporting him. Plus I miss him so much. Ive been with him so long that I feel like no one is gonna make me feel the same. Plus college life is so different and I do go out and have fun...but I am not in any way the type of girl to just randomly go home with guys. I feel like all guys there are used to getting stuff so easily they barely put in any effort. They act interested till they realize you arent easy.
Im so depressed right now and I feel like no one understands where I am coming from. I keep worrying and worrying that maybe hes already found someone and replaced me or if hes going to try and come back soon. Then i have to remind myself that it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter because I shouldnt be putting myself in these situations all the time. I truley need to move on but what if hes the one for me and Im losing out on it? :/ Please help!! (link)
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You are doing the right thing. Drug addictions (somewhat dependent on which drug) are extremely difficult to break and in some cases virtually impossible (such as in the case of crack-cocaine).
I have a guy friend who was addicted to crack for the better part of 6 years. I dated him after he had been through rehab (twice) and "clean" for three years. I say "clean" because, maybe once or twice a year, he would relapse. And those were scary. He would go to a different city without telling anyone and disappear for a week or two. He always came back, broke and broken, but would get his life back on track relatively quickly.
We aren't together now for other reasons, but when I was with him I caught glimpses of the true hell that drug addiction is, and how absolutely impossible it is for that person to truly be with someone unless they are actually past their addiction and have a handle on it mentally and physically.
Drugs change a person's psyche -- after a relapse there is guilt, anger, a strong resolve not to fall back into it again. But without the strength to get through those periods where the drug pulls back they are lost. They will lie, cheat, steal, do whatever it takes to get the drug. Though they may say otherwise, they do not care about you during these times; their entire focus is on getting the drug. And you being there each time to pick them up after they fall is enabling them, teaching them to depend on that assistance each time.
Your boyfriend lying about the relapse tells you that he is still within the drug's hold, and there is little you can do to help this until he finds the strength from within.
Family, friends, lovers of drug addicts all want to see them change, all want to offer love and support and stick with the person when times get rough. But this has to be done carefully, and sometimes callously, if it is to be helpful rather than detrimental.
I don't think you should go back to your boyfriend while he is still having issues, but that doesn't mean that you have to cut off all contact with him. You can be there as a friend, but you have to let him know that you will absolutely not tolerate any behavior associated with drug addiction: this includes lying, cheating, stealing, emotional manipulation. If he relapses don't jump to his aid and give him whatever he needs - monetary or emotionally - tell him he f'd up and if he wants to keep the caring people in his life he's got to get a handle on it. You may want to read about how to respond a bit more online. It's extremely difficult for you, so if it's not something you are prepared for and you don't think you'd be able to be so seemingly heartless, then it might be better in the long run to cut your ties.
People do deserve second (and even third and fourth chances), but they have to have the time to change themselves, for themselves. If you keep in contact and support him, and you still feel like it's right when he's on the trailing end of dealing with his addiction, then there's no reason you shouldn't give it another shot.
I feel for your situation. I hope this helps, please feel free to message me if you need any more help.
~Pollux
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Is this possible? I'm 165 pounds and want to be 105 pounds. What do I have to do? How many calories should I eat each day? And what can I do to curb sugar and salt cravings (especially around "that time of the month") so that I don't binge eat? What sorts of foods should I be eating? Is it healthy to eat plain oatmeal everyday (with bananas) and occasionally omelette? What work out plan should I do, too? If I ran for 30 mins before breakfast and 30 minutes after dinner would that be good enough to produce the results I want? I just want to be skinny, not buffed out! Thanks for the help! And btw, for my height, 105 pounds would just be slightly underweight. How do I discipline myself to not give up, too, like when I want to pig out on Pizza Hut after a bad day, or drink soda at a party? How exactly do I moderate these impulses? I'm doing this for health (so I don't get type 2 diabetes, or other illnesses from eating too much processed foods) as well as for looks. I've always wanted that skinny look. Not anorexic, just skinny. Thanks so much if you can help!
(link)
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I started off a bit heavier than you - 180 lbs, and I'm down to 145 lbs in 3 months. My goal is a muscular 125 lbs, so I'm going for the muscular look rather than the skinny look.
I don't think you're going to be able to do 60 lbs in 2 months. 4 seems a bit more reasonable, but keep in mind that at first the weight is going to come off faster, but when you get down to having just 10-15 lbs to lose you're going to have to work for every ounce. It's so much harder when you don't have much.
Here's what I can tell you, at least from my experience. I read "The Paleo Answer" and "The Primal Blueprint" and it changed my life entirely. These aren't really diets at all, they're lifetime ways of eating for optimal health and nutrition. I won't go through why they say to eat what I suggest, but I'll give you some websites for more information and I would highly recommend reading those two books. I changed my diet to align with this way of eating and in 3 weeks I dropped 20 lbs, and then it slowed down but I'm steadily dropping. In addition to weight loss I no longer have sugar cravings or feel the need to binge eat ... I just eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. After two weeks willpower wasn't necessary, it was effortless -- my body actually craved healthy food. Plus I have no more allergies and the irritable bowel syndrome I had been dealing with disappeared. Okay enough about me.
Eat primarily meats and fish, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds. The goal is to go with a high-fat, moderate protein, low-carb diet. Cut out all grains entirely. Pasta, rice, bread, oatmeal, everything. Restrict beans and legumes. Dairy's okay if you tolerate it well. Don't eat any processed food ... if you can't find it in nature, put it down!
Of course, that's a bit difficult to do all the time, I probably do it 90% of the time and then if I'm at a party or something I relax a bit. But if you follow this, I would suggest not cheating at all for the first 2 weeks, until your body's had time to adjust to the healthy eating and you won't be tempted to binge.
Here's a really good website:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/#axzz1ywsDcXmS
and another one:
http://thepaleodiet.com/
or, if you're more into watching something than reading, check out the documentary "Fat Head" on Netflix.
On the first one you can use the search function to find anything you're looking for, and start on the page where it says "Start Here." =)
Workouts:
I would suggest walking, cycling, swimming, light jogging, etc at an easy pace for 30-45 minutes most days, resistance training (bodyweight exercises or weight lifting) once or twice a week but not more, and once or twice a week do a concentrated, high-intensity effort for 20-30 minutes. For example, if you like cycling, warm up and then go as fast as you can for 20-30 seconds, then go easy and recover for 2-3 minutes, and repeat this 8-10 times.
You won't get "buffed out" from just a moderate resistance training program, either ... actually, if you're going for that skinny look, weight training will just make you toned and sleek. It takes a LOT to actually put on muscle mass, particularly for a woman.
Oh, last thing, and I can't repeat this enough: it's NOT fat that makes you fat! It's sugar. And grains and wheat products are just plain sugar.
Good luck, with some hard work, I think you'll be able to come close to your goal in 4 months. I tried to keep this brief and not delve into science, but if you want more information feel free to message me!
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I'm a cross country runner, and have been running for about a year now. I've been increasing my mileage since the end of the season, and I've been so happy with my results! I am a senior, and have been training for a division 3 college team for next fall. The problem is, though, my running has gotten so much worse this past week. Formerly I could run about 10 miles and my muscles wouldn't even feel sore! But the other day when I went to the track for speed work, I could barely finish a mile. I have no idea what happened! I'm pretty devastated, though. I'm not recovering from injuries or anything. I do have two theories: I haven't eaten meat in like a month, so maybe I'm lacking protein? I also haven't gotten more than 4hours of sleep in a long time but I don't think that's the cause because it's always been that way. A few other things I should mention are that I'm accustomed to training hard and 5 times a week. The reason I don't think it's lack of protein that's the problem is because my cardio strength doesn't seem to be doing so well anymore either, but I have no health expert, protein may have something to do with that too! I ran just 3 miles the other day and it took everything out of me. I feel weak and tired all the time. I'm 18/f by the way. Any suggestions and help is appreciated.. thanks in advance! (link)
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Well, your two theories are absolutely correct: you're lacking protein, and on top of that you're lacking sleep. I'd say you were pushing pretty close to the over-training limit before you started experiencing these issues, and when you decreased your protein intake and weren't getting enough sleep (even if you regularly sleep that little) - your body protested and your recovery times decreased. Recovery is the MOST important part of any training plan, because this is when your muscles actually repair themselves and your body adapts and grows stronger. Decreasing protein intake will lead to longer recovery times, and if you don't allow for that by training near the limit, you're playing with fire - your body will start catabolizing your muscle and lean tissue and you'll lose endurance.
The good news is this: in such a short time period, you haven't actually lost fitness, you just need some adequate time to rest. Make sure you're getting enough protein. If you haven't been eating meat because you want to be vegetarian, read the book THRIVE by Brendan Brazier. If you've just been lax about it, get un-lax. Take some time to rest and recover, get adequate sleep and nutrition, and you'll be back at it in no time.
Check out these links on overtraining:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/how-to-deal-with-overtraining/#axzz1ywrq2EVu
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/overtraining/#axzz1ywrq2EVu
And this one on the impact of too much cardio (though I'm guilty of this myself):
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/case-against-cardio/#axzz1ywsDcXmS
I hope this helps! And good luck getting back to top form.
~Pollux
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Hi, 24/f.
Okay, everyone. I need the truth about Vibrams Five Fingers. Do you have them? Do they rock? Are they stupid/worthless?
I've been having issues with muscle spasms lately, and running shittily. I'm currently running in Asics about every other day, since August 2011, and have not yet been able to run more than 2 miles at a time before my body burns out in some way - My legs start getting tired, I'm dehydrated, one of my calves is randomly in spasm... My theory is that I'm working too hard for the shoes I'm in, and that I'm resisting all the cushioning, trying to run forward on my feet, and am not able to support that kind of running form in these shoes. SO.
I realize Asics to Vibrams is kind of a huge jump as far as cushioning goes, but...Would they help?
How has your experience been with these?
Thanks! (link)
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Honestly, Vibrams are great, but barefoot running is even better! Haha. I sympathize with the spasms in the calves, the aches and pains ... it's all about foot mechanics.
Shoes make you strike with your heel, which isn't proper form. That's why shoes have had to get fancier and more expensive, adding more padding and technology to reduce the impact that runs straight up to your calves, knees, and hips.
Vibrams or other minimalist shoes will allow you to return to your natural foot mechanics, which is to strike with the ball of your foot or mid-foot. I've taken them on woodchip and gravel trails, through the woods with lots of roots and debris ... really, you don't need much cushioning ... just don't run on broken glass. ;)
They are a great investment. I don't regret getting them once: my speed has improved, my enjoyment of running has gone up, and no more random pains! However, as the other person said, they do take a bit of getting used to -- walk in them for a while first, then start jogging slowly, and work up to running.
Happy running!
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I became a vegetarian over a month ago and I've been eating much healthier meals and consuming much less calories than I used to, and no I'm not starving myself. But I haven't lost any weight at all? I'm overweight so believe me there's a lot of weight to be lost but why aren't I losing it? (link)
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Vegetarianism is not a fix-all for weight problems. In fact, I was vegetarian for four years and vegan for one, and that was when I gained 30 lbs, even though I was still active and eating much more healthily. I'm now an omnivore again, because I was constantly tired and low-energy on a vegetarian diet, but I understand that this is a lifestyle choice and there are possibly other factors in your decision to go vegetarian.
I would suggest that the reason you're not losing weight is because, when you went vegetarian, you probably started consuming more grains and wheat products to fill in the hole left by animal products. Grains and wheat, contrary to popular belief, are not actually healthy foods: they essentially turn straight into sugar when metabolized, and spike a hormone called insulin, which causes the sugars to be efficiently stored in your fat cells. Bottom line is, it's not fat in your diet that makes you fat, it's sugar! Fat is not metabolized in the same way and is actually the body and brain's preferred fuel source.
Check out this link about why grains will make most people gain weight:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/definitive-guide-grains/#axzz1ywkCahSo
And this one on how grains are actually anti-nutritious:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/why-grains-are-unhealthy/#axzz1ywjfXgNa
If you went vegetarian solely to lose weight and improve health, I would recommend rethinking that choice. However, if your choice involves environmental or animal rights considerations, by all means stick with it. I would then recommend minimizing grain intake and getting more protein and fats from vegetable sources (and eggs if you do those) like avocados, nuts and seeds, protein powders (though I'd avoid soy).
Also, cut out processed foods, vegetarian or no, they're just plain unhealthy. Focus on getting whole foods. After asking the question, "Could I find this in nature?", if the answer is "No.", just don't eat it.
Although exercise has been shown not to play a huge role in weight loss (diet is probably about 90% and exercise perhaps 10% of it), it can accelerate it along with a good diet, and also improve your general health. I'd try incorporating some walking, biking, or swimming a few days a week, and perhaps once or twice a week doing higher-intensity workouts with sprinting intervals. I also do weight training twice a week and I think it has been the most effective, exercise-wise, in changing the composition of my body.
Give yourself time to adjust to your new diet as well (a month is pretty short), and make sure you're reducing stress and getting enough sleep, all of this factors play important roles in our bodies' fat storage capabilities!
If you're determined enough and follow a sensible diet and exercise, you will lose weight, it's just a matter of time.
Good luck, and I hope this helps!
~Pollux
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How can I achieve a tighter butt? (link)
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One word:
Squats!
Okay, a few more words. You want to do weight-bearing activities that focus on your glutes and hamstrings. Squats and lunges are great. If you're comfortable going into a weight room, deadlifts are another great exercise for this (be sure you're doing them properly, get someone knowledgeable to spot you the first few times). Squats with a barbell are also fantastic.
One thing that gave me buns of steel, even when I wasn't regularly lifting weights, was biking. Take those hills and push it.
Exercise is really the only thing you can do for a tighter butt (unless you want to lose fat off of it too, in which case you should focus on your diet). But it works, and in most cases those muscles are actually one of the easier groups to train.
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I need to lose weight really badly. I am 13 years old, and I weigh about 145-147 ish pounds. please tell me what to do. I sometmes get up and go walking in the morning, and i am eating a lot better, but i am not losing the weight. please help!!! (link)
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Hi! You're young and it's great that you want to take charge of your health. Keep in mind that, especially as you're growing, your body wants to gain weight! You have to be careful to get all the nutrition you need to support your brain, muscle, and bone development over the next several years, so don't fall for any crash dieting or crazy plans you might see online. They leave you feeling mentally and physically terrible and your health will suffer for many years to come.
So here's my advice:
Exercise is great, but by far the biggest thing that will impact your weight loss will be your diet. Probably about 90% of your results will come from what you're eating (and not eating!). Exercise can help a little with your weight, and a whole LOT with making you feel better and stronger, but don't fall into the mindset that exercising will allow you to eat what you want (even though a lot of people do this).
You want to be eating lots of protein, veggies and fruits, nuts and seeds. Stay WAY away from grains and sugars ... these turn into fat very quickly on your body. A common mistake people make is thinking that eating high-fat foods will make you fat. This is not true. Fat is not metabolized in the same way by your body as sugars and carbohydrates, and is perfectly healthy for you to eat. In fact, many of your vital systems, especially when you're growing, DEPEND on getting fat in your diet. So don't fall for anything that says "low-fat" on the label unless it's a carrot or an apple, because generally that just means it's loaded with sugar.
And here's the most important thing: eat REAL foods. Cut out anything processed - sodas, juices, anything with complicated ingredients on the label. Stick to meats and fish, veggies, fruits, nuts and seeds. If you've got to have grains (like bread, pasta, rice, etc.) minimize them. Don't make them the focus of any meal.
Drink a LOT of water. Aim for 6-8 glasses a day, more if you're active or if you're outside and it's hot. And make sure you're getting enough sleep! If you deprive yourself of sleep, your body releases a stress hormone that makes you hold on to fat.
Walking in the morning sounds like a great addition to your plan. If you do that most days, that's a good amount of exercise. You might want to throw in some weight-training activities like squats, lunges, pushups, that sort of thing ... these have a huge benefit because they make you stronger and more toned, and because muscle will use up more energy than fat, even when you're just sitting around.
Once or twice a week, you might want to throw in a higher-intensity exercise - these exercises are the most effective in promoting weight loss. What you want to do here is something cardiovascular like biking, jogging, swimming, etc. Go all-out for 15-30 seconds, maximum effort, as fast as you can, and then slow down and recover for 1-2 minutes. Repeat this 8-10 times. You might have to work up to it, it's difficult, but REALLY effective. Don't do this more than 2x/week because it's hard on your body and the recovery time in between is actually when your muscles become stronger and your body adapts. As your fitness level increases, you could feasibly do 3 of these a week, but I seriously recommend against that.
Remember, it's going to take time to lose weight (even though you don't have too much to lose), so celebrate your small accomplishments! And remember it's hard in the beginning, but your body will feel so much better with good nutrition and exercise, and you'll feel happier too, so that losing weight just becomes a side-effect rather than the main focus.
Good luck, you can do it!
~Pollux
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