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Heartbroken
I broke up with my on and off again boyfriend (for 3 years) almost a month ago. He has a drug problem and relapsed. I had so much hope this time because he went to a rehab and was such a different person than before. We were doing really well and then he came to visit me because I was up doing summer classes at my college and he lives in our hometown. Well he relapsed a few days before...I had no idea. And then when he left a few people asked me about it from our hometown so I asked him and he started crying. I knew he was mostly crying because of the drugs and was trying to push some of the pressure on me. Plus then I felt like I couldnt be mad that he came up and slept with me while he was lying to my face. So I just ended it. And a few days later he tried calling/texting and I didnt respond. Then he asked later through text if it would be too hard to talk and I said yes. Then he went on to say that when he figured out his life he really wanted a second shot with me and he really loved me so much. I could tell from his texts that he was nervous and I just kept saying I wanted him to do it for himself and I couldnt promise anything. This was like a month ago.
I knew those texts would mess with my mind. Now that I'm home I'm going crazy. I keep rethinking and rereading his texts and wondering if I made a mistake. and if somehow I was being a bad person for not sticking with him and supporting him. Plus I miss him so much. Ive been with him so long that I feel like no one is gonna make me feel the same. Plus college life is so different and I do go out and have fun...but I am not in any way the type of girl to just randomly go home with guys. I feel like all guys there are used to getting stuff so easily they barely put in any effort. They act interested till they realize you arent easy.
Im so depressed right now and I feel like no one understands where I am coming from. I keep worrying and worrying that maybe hes already found someone and replaced me or if hes going to try and come back soon. Then i have to remind myself that it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter because I shouldnt be putting myself in these situations all the time. I truley need to move on but what if hes the one for me and Im losing out on it? :/ Please help!!
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You are doing the right thing. Drug addictions (somewhat dependent on which drug) are extremely difficult to break and in some cases virtually impossible (such as in the case of crack-cocaine).
I have a guy friend who was addicted to crack for the better part of 6 years. I dated him after he had been through rehab (twice) and "clean" for three years. I say "clean" because, maybe once or twice a year, he would relapse. And those were scary. He would go to a different city without telling anyone and disappear for a week or two. He always came back, broke and broken, but would get his life back on track relatively quickly.
We aren't together now for other reasons, but when I was with him I caught glimpses of the true hell that drug addiction is, and how absolutely impossible it is for that person to truly be with someone unless they are actually past their addiction and have a handle on it mentally and physically.
Drugs change a person's psyche -- after a relapse there is guilt, anger, a strong resolve not to fall back into it again. But without the strength to get through those periods where the drug pulls back they are lost. They will lie, cheat, steal, do whatever it takes to get the drug. Though they may say otherwise, they do not care about you during these times; their entire focus is on getting the drug. And you being there each time to pick them up after they fall is enabling them, teaching them to depend on that assistance each time.
Your boyfriend lying about the relapse tells you that he is still within the drug's hold, and there is little you can do to help this until he finds the strength from within.
Family, friends, lovers of drug addicts all want to see them change, all want to offer love and support and stick with the person when times get rough. But this has to be done carefully, and sometimes callously, if it is to be helpful rather than detrimental.
I don't think you should go back to your boyfriend while he is still having issues, but that doesn't mean that you have to cut off all contact with him. You can be there as a friend, but you have to let him know that you will absolutely not tolerate any behavior associated with drug addiction: this includes lying, cheating, stealing, emotional manipulation. If he relapses don't jump to his aid and give him whatever he needs - monetary or emotionally - tell him he f'd up and if he wants to keep the caring people in his life he's got to get a handle on it. You may want to read about how to respond a bit more online. It's extremely difficult for you, so if it's not something you are prepared for and you don't think you'd be able to be so seemingly heartless, then it might be better in the long run to cut your ties.
People do deserve second (and even third and fourth chances), but they have to have the time to change themselves, for themselves. If you keep in contact and support him, and you still feel like it's right when he's on the trailing end of dealing with his addiction, then there's no reason you shouldn't give it another shot.
I feel for your situation. I hope this helps, please feel free to message me if you need any more help.
~Pollux
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I can sort of relate to what you're saying...no, I haven't dated a guy that was on drugs. But I have a brother who was using for plus minus 6 years.
I'm familiar with the pain and suffering one goes through in trying to help such a person to change. But that's it right there. You can't force someone to change. They've got to come forward out of their own and ask for help.
You dated for a long time so of course you love each other. I don't think you should leave him just like that. I'm not at all justifying his actions...he shouldn't have lied to you. It's obvious that he didn't intend on hurting you. But I reckon that the best would be to be straight up honest with him about how YOU feel and what the consequences will be if he does in fact lie to you again. Everyone deserves a second chance.
A guy like him simply needs love and someone that is willing to come down to his level...to get through this WITH him. There's a lot to be learned through this not only for him but also for you.
Remember, God won't bring you to it, if He can't take you through it.
-Hope this helps.
Kim x
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