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Anger and feeling stuck in the middle
My parents divorced when I was 15 months old. My mother had custody, while my father had visitation. I remember times not seeing my dad, some because he never showed up free he said he would, other times there was just limited visits. After I turned 5 I completely stopped seeing my father an stepmother. Growing up, I was told my father did this or that, whether my brother and I asked or just information thrown at us. Now I am 27, and have slowly begun to form a relationship with my father. I have had about 4 visits with him in the past year and a half. About 4 months ago I've developed a relationship with my stepmother also. Her and I have become close. My stepmother informed me of my fathers side I the story of why my parents split. Evidentially there were marital issues, therefore resulting in a trial separation, when my mother decided to have an "affair" while seperated and going to counseling. Granted my biological mother and I have always had a tense relationship, but this news made me feel very angry with my biological mom. I questioned my brother on why I had been told, and he confirmed that my mother slept with someone else. I never knew til recently, however my mom told my brother quite some time ago. Since I've started taking to my stepmother my mom has been snooping some and trash talking my dad and stepmother, I assume to continue hiding her secret, as she does not know I am aware of her infidelity. So, my question is do I have a right to be angry with my mother? And how should I approach telling her I know when the subject arises again?
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Normally I agree with Razhie. In this instance I'm of a slightly different mind set.
First telling one child and not the other something like this is a cause of concern to me. For it is and issue for anger building not only between you and mom but you and your brother. I am of the belief if one knows the other has to be told. If one is to young to understand at the time then you tell them when they are old enough to understand.
On the other hand your mother has her right to privacy. This happened when you were less than 2 years old. How old was your brother at the time? Was he old enough to understand at the time it happened?
There are a lot of missing pieces here as well. You have every right to have a relationship with your father and stepmother if you so choose. You are 27 now an adult women capable of making your own choices. Your mother trash talking him is just as wrong now as it would have been 25 years ago when you asked for him. Your mother may be concerned she will lose whatever relationship she has with you.
Do you have a right to be angry with your mother: Yes, but not for the reasons you think. If you want to be angry with mom it would be for wanting to keep you from having a relationship with your dad and stepmother. Not for keeping a secret from you. Just as you are entitled to your privacy and secrets from her as you are now an adult. She was and still is entitled to her secrets and privacy with and from you.
How do you approach the subject of your knowledge of her infidelity? Frankly I feel she already knows you know and is by hind her new tirades about your dad. I would suggest that you just let it pass there is no reason to open an old wound and hurt her.
If you feel you must acknowledge your knowing then do so but do so in a manner that is not hurtful or spiteful. What is past is past. We cannot fix the past. We can fix today and prepare for tomorrow and that is what I recomend here. If it does come up you just acknowledge that you are aware of what has been. If she asks who told you. I would recomend you say that it does not matter how you learned of it. That what happened happened. You wished she trusted you enough to tell you but she didn't tell you so there is nothing that can be done about that. You don't think any less of her as it happened long ago, or words to that effect. Which hopefully is true.
Then you remind her you are an adult entitled to make your oen opinions of people. You would prefer that she stopped trash talking your father and let you make your own opinion of who and what he and his wife may be. You can if you wish inform her that you have established a relationship with your stepmother.
What I'm saying is just don't be vengfull with her when it comes up. It to late and there is no reason for it at this time.
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You don't have much of a right to be pissed with her about infidelity that took place almost 3 decades ago. It's not something you will ever know the full story of and you actually aren't entitled to the full story of your parents break up. It's way in the past, and none of them should have dragged you back through the muck of things that happened with you were a toddler. They should have moved forward with you, responsibly and respectfully, not re-ligated past crimes.
You CAN dislike your mother in general.
You can be disappointed and unhappy about her snooping and trash-talking now.
You can even be angry about how she handled it and told your brother, but not you.
Those are legitimate things and hurtful things, but what you can't do is blame her and judge her for an act of infidelity that took place while her marriage was collapsing in the 80s.
That's a step too far. That's not fair. Don't start being unfair and cruelly judgmental to her, just because you feel she hasn't behaved well towards others.
Accept that will never know the truth of what happened. All you can know is for sure is that both of your parents made mistakes, and that doesn't make either of them terrible people, just people.
As for dealing with your mother, I'd suggest that you approach the trash talking desperately from your knowledge about the affair.
Because they are actually totally separate issues.
The trash talking can be addresses by you very calmly telling her she needs to speak respectfully of your father and step-mother. It's okay if she doesn't like them, but you don't want to hear her attacking them. She's going feel hurt when you stand up for them - after all - in her mind, regardless of their reasons, they abandoned you when you were very young - she was the one was around. She'll be hurt when she feels you are siding with them and her hurt will be understandable and legitimate.
Telling her you know about the affair should be handled separately, at a calmer moment when you aren't fighting about anything else. You need to remember that the bigger problem here isn't that she HAD an affair (remember: humans make mistakes and it's not your job to sit in judgement of the failure of your parents marriage), but you should be able to ask her about why she wasn't comfortable talking to you about what happened, and how hurtful and confusing that is.
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you're not a kid anymore. and your mom is being childish. this isn't high school and she needs to grow up. next time your mom trash talks them, just be like "mom, i get it. you hate them. but you never see dad trash talk you even though you cheated on him" it will be cold but it will be what she needed. and you do have a right to be mad at your mom because you are finally trying to make some sort of relationship with your father and she is trying to get in the way. She needs to be reminded that he didn't do that to her. opening someone's eyes isn't always done in a nice way.
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Talk to your mom. You're 27 now so I'm sure you know how messy relationships can be, and far from being an extreme circumstance, what happened between your parents is actually pretty common. It's such a difficult thing navigating the waters of people's emotional and physical needs, and remember that while your parents have their love and their obligation to you, they are also people and go through the same struggles and uncertainties.
Now, hopefully with so much time since the divorce, they are able to be mature and civil about it now. But it doesn't always happen this way. And of course you have a right to feel angry with your mom - she told your brother (and not you) about the infidelity, she's trash-talking your dad now, and of course there's all your feelings about the infidelity in the first place. You have a right to feel whatever you're feeling.
But if you just bury this and continue to hide that you know, your resentment will only grow, and that won't do you or anyone else any good. People say there's three sides to any story: one person's, the other person's, and then the truth. Tell your mom what you found out from your dad, and tell her how you're feeling about it. Tell her that you're trying to have a good relationship with both her and your dad, and you hope that their personal feelings about one another won't stand in the way of that.
The hardest thing to do might be forgiving your mom for what happened, but try to remember that people make mistakes, big ones, and they also struggle to live with the consequences of that all their lives. I'm sure your mom isn't too happy about what happened either. So just talk to her about it, have an open and honest conversation and try not to place blame, and hopefully reach some peace.
I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you need any other advice.
~Pollux
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