The columnists before me have had some great suggestions for you, but I have a couple things to add.

First and foremost, yes, your safety must be your first priority. That being said, IF you decide that the situation warrants a call to the police, tell them that you need to remain anonymous. If this father is really abusive as he seem to be, he could go after you. Not necessarily physically, but appearances are everything with these men. He'd sue you for slander, and as much as (if you're anything like me) you'd like to save the family, it's best not to get involved.

HOWEVER...
If you see marks on anyone, the mother included, ask about them. Use your instincts here. Five fingertip-shaped bruises on someone's arm are not likely to be from falling. Legally, if you witness physical abuse, you need to report it to the appropriate authorities (Police, or Child Protective Services, depending). Unfortunately, emotional abuse and fear-mongering is much more difficult to prove.
I am in agreement with the columnist who mentioned that the mother will probably defend the father and deny abuse. There's a disengagement of morals that occurs within abusive relationships and perpetuates the behavior on part of both the victim and the perpetrator. Talk to your supervisor, maybe (and ask them to keep your name out of it), or put an anonymous call into the authorities next time they get loud. That way the blame can't be traced back to you.

Keep legality and ethics in mind while you're in this situation, but above all be careful, and be safe.
Be smart. Trust your gut.

Siren

Please refer to my response to this question awhile ago: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=604594

It's not as simple as nipping the problem in the bud, most of the time. As the columnist below me suggested, there are other, more complicated emotional manipulations and psychological addictions going on and playing into the decisions that are being made (or not being made). If you love someone and they hurt you, your first reaction isn't normally to run - it's to brush it off as a one-time thing, or an accident. Victims justify the abuse ("He/she didn't mean it, he/she just had a bad day"). Abusers whittle the victim's self-esteem and confidence away until they have no choice but to believe the abuser when they say "it's your fault you're in this situation! If you had just done what I said, this wouldn't have happened."

My response for the previous other question is long, but please read it. If you have any other, more specific questions about abusive relationships and their mechanics, let me know - I'd love to share the info I have.

Siren

If I interpreted this correctly, I detected "why stay when there is a whole new path of life out there?" as being your main question.
Fair warning: this is part of my area of scholarly research on which I've done a TON of reading, so this is going to be a long answer.

You are entirely correct that there are shelters, crisis centers, doctors, nurses, and clinics equipped to help and provide safety for victims of domestic abuse. Society in general is also much, much more understanding of victims of abuse than we have been in the past.

Unfortunately, the act of leaving an abusive partner or parent is not so simple as walking (or running) out the door. Even in unmarried relationships, there are emotional ties in place, and several types of manipulation occurring by the abuser that often goes as far as to convince the victim that being abused is THEIR fault. What's worse is that victims of abuse (of all types) wind up with their self-esteem and confidence dwindled and diminished to the point that they believe their abuser. So, once a victim decides that they need to leave their partner, it's an extremely difficult process of disentanglement from their current life and thought processes. Often the thing that people struggle with is the idea that their partner "used to" be so sweet and kind and loving. They struggle to accept the fact that the person hurting them is part of the true identity of their partner, along with the loving person they initially knew. Typically, abusers have a duality to them, much like Jekyll and Hyde. Both sides exist, and after awhile, Hyde often takes over, as he did Dr. Jekyll in the book.

That being said, abuse itself is very cyclical in nature: http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/ This link describes the pattern well, and will shorten my response.

As a survivor of abuse myself, I can attest to the fact that an abusive relationship is like an addiction. Because of this, I give you Prochaska and DiClemente's (1984) Transtheoretical model: http://addictions.about.com/od/addictiontreatment/ss/The-Stages-Of-Change-Model-In-Addiction-Treatment_6.htm
This model of behavior change has mostly been associated with drug addiction and recovery research, but it works with an abusive behavior, as well. The cycle begins with 1) a precontemplative stage, where the victim begins to think that they may need to consider a change in behavior (perhaps after the first violent incident). The victim then moves into 2)a contemplative stage, where they start to actually think about making a change (leaving); following this is 3) a preparation stage, where the victim prepares to make a change (gathering resources, or finding somewhere to go). Following preparation, the victim may 4) take action and leave their abuser. Unfortunately, 5) the maintenance stage, where the victim should stay gone (if they even get to the action stage and leave) is often where things go awry. Their abuser contacts them, they wind up going back, and 6) relapsing. Thus the cycle begins again
Research shows, though, that several trial separations and breakups are par for the course before a victim of domestic violence actually manages to leave and stay away from their partner for good.

In addition to the similarities to addiction that come into play, I believe there is a sort of moral disengagement occurring by both victim AND abuser that involves both of them justifying away behavior, re-labeling of the behavior itself, minimizing consequences, attributing blame to the victim, dehumanizing the victim, and otherwise misconstruing what's really going on for one reason or another. There is little to no research directly relating moral disengagement to the happenings in abusive relationships, but believe me, there's a link.

Anyway. I'll stop my response here, because I could go on for ages. If you have questions about resources, or articles to read about this stuff, I have piles and piles, and I'd be happy to share. Just inbox me. :)

Hope this helped clarify some stuff for you!

Siren

Myalee, I am so sorry for what you've been through. No one should ever be treated the way he treats you.
Fair warning here: you may not like what I have to say. Read everything, though, please, and consider my response - I had a similar experience to yours... I left my ex and stayed at friends' apartment. He went looking for me, he called me repeatedly. Eventually I wound up talking to him, and he sobbed, and begged me to come home (we had been living together); we had a conversation, and I did. Things were wonderful for awhile until the cycle of abuse began again. I didn't leave him for good until his hand found its way around my throat.

I can absolutely imagine how lost you feel in all this. The awful part of an abusive relationship that it is almost always cyclical, and rarely a singular incident. He's already shown you that.
Leaving an abusive man is also a process of disentanglement, it's not so easy as simply walking out the door. Research shows that most women go through several "trial separations" and attempts to leave before they draw the line and leave for good. There's quite a bit of research on this, too.

You are not crazy.

You also do not deserve to be treated like this. Just because he hasn't been violent yet doesn't mean he won't be again. You went back to him - this shows him that he can pull that crap and in the end you'll come back. He thinks he can get away with an apology and a haircut and treat you however he wants.
There are specific programs and treatments involving lengthy cognitive behavioral therapy for batterers. It's not so easy for them to just snap their fingers and fix their behavior. They have to really WANT to change, not just "fix" a relationship, or to pacify their significant other. It doesn't sound to me like he's at that point.

Your family dislikes him for good reason. He's hurt you. He's FORCED you to get an abortion under the threat of leaving you. He's hurt you, hit you, scared you, and probably otherwise emotionally abused you. Not only that, but he has you lying to your family. Abusive partners bring out the worst in us... trust me. You need to be honest with your family and tell them where you are. You might need their help if you leave him again (and I think you should).

To further explain his hot-and-cold behavior a little, the man you're living with is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When you started dating, you met Dr. Jekyll, the charming, wonderful man you hope is still in there. That hope will keep you coming back to him as long as it's there. At the moment, he's Jekyll, but there's no saying when Hyde will come out. The difficult part to convince yourself of is that this guy really is BOTH Jekyll and Hyde. That sweet guy you love is in there, but so is the abusive asshole.

One thing I have to stress to you is that abuse escalates. Once he figures out he can push you and get away with it, he'll start to hit you. He gets away with that, he starts really beating you... you see where I'm going with this? It's unlikely to just stop where it is. There's no saying he won't go further. If you have a child, what's to stop him from hurting it?

You need to leave him, and keep yourself safe. This is not love; people in real love do not physically assault, emotionally abuse, or stalk one another. Yes, relationships can be difficult, but there comes a time where "difficult" crosses the line, and your well-being is at stake. Your safety should NEVER be a question in a relationship. If it is, you need to question the relationship instead.

Please feel free to send me another message if you have any questions or confusion about what I've said here; I know this is a lot of difficult to swallow information. Also, don't lose touch with your family. They love you, and they have your best interest at heart.

Be safe.

Siren

I agree with NinjaNeer and Adviceman, and here are my two cents:
Out. Get out now. Not being "mentally all there," as you put it, is not an excuse for subjecting your significant other to violence. You've even called him abusive, so the euphemisms are off. He's a batterer and you're his victim - sorry, but you don't get the title of "Survivor" until you get away from him for real and for good.

From the way you described it, every time you come back, the abuse gets worse. He's already hitting you with a closed first - what's he gonna do next? Grab a knife because the fist-to-face thing isn't effective anymore? Do you really want to wind up in the hospital because your abusive boyfriend is beating you harder and harder?
I'm gonna be a nerd here for a second - I'm actually studying intimate partner violence/domestic violence from a behaviorist psychological perspective. Did you know that somewhere around 2 million women are reportedly abused by their significant others per year? Two MILLION. Even more of them don't report the abuse, and wind up hospitalized - or killed, even accidentally. Batterers like your boyfriend can lose control at the drop of a hat and accidentally do some serious damage to their victim.
Going with a theory I have, he fits the ICD typology described here:
http://drisisrene.hubpages.com/hub/Opposite-Ends-of-the-Spectrum

Anyway. You DON'T have to get a fist to the face for doing nothing wrong. No, DO NOT stay and help him through this. You've done enough. The rest is up to him, and having you there to punch when he gets frustrated, or for whatever reason, will not help him. He could do CBT and get treatment for it, but you need to get away from him first.
He's dangerous; this is no joke, and as far as I'm concerned, not worth your time until and unless he FINISHES a treatment program. Sure, they all have potential to improve, but they have to make the decision to change for real, for themselves, not because of a significant other.

In short, leave him. You should NEVER stay with someone who hurts you. Ever. Be strong; make the right decision; be safe.

Siren

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren

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