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March 14, 2005Answers:
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Hi! I'm Linda. I would love to try to help you with advice about love and life. I can also try to help with Health: Mental issues in particular. However, you can ask me anything. I believe in the value of honesty and I will do my best to be ethical, fair and genuine. xoxoxoxo
advice
my super best freinds parents are getting a divorce i came up the stairs from my bus and saw her baning her head up agaisnt the locker i didnt think much of it and joined her but then she was crying so i was like whats wroung and she said my mom told me not to tell anyone.but she told me anyway.she told me not to tell anyone and i told her i wouldnt tel a soul and i havent and im not good at keeping secrets but i know that this is the bigest one that i ahve ever heard and how important it is to not tell anyone i started crying with her.i asked her why and she said she cant tell me and she didnt and i ahte that because im her friends and ive always told her that she can tell me anything and i feel like she doent trust me.and im thinking the worst like her father hits her so the mom was like your not hitting my kids anymore im leaving.or it could be somthing lil like they feel outa love but i cant guess because shes always been so hapy i dont know and im so worried for her.....what should i do
i rate high
Hi there! You sound like a very good friend who is very concerned about your best friend. First of all, I just want to say that when someone is going through something that they believe is traumatic, people behave in very different ways. For instance, some people need to speak about it immediately. However, for some people, some need to internalize it for awhile first and wrap their brain around it before they share these kinds of experiences. I am one of the latter. This may also come as a shock, but some people keep things inside because of attention. If it's something that doesn't sound that bad, but the person is really upset over it, (overly upset, it seems), she may want to keep it to herself because once she starts talking about it, it won't sound as bad. Do you know what I mean? Then the whole dramatic thing is not as effective. However, let's just assume your friend is going through a very tough, traumatic time...she may need to try to come to some conclusions on her own without any help from anyone first. When she does this, she may feel it's time to share with you. When she does, do not diminish her feelings at all. Let her talk to you, do not interrupt her, try to ask an insightful question if she becomes silent for a few moments and validate her by showing that what is important to her is also important to you. That is being a good friend. And she will immediately see that. Also, please keep her conversation with you in confidence. If she wants to confide in someone else or tell her story to others, that is her choice, not yours. Good luck. I know you'll do the right thing!
Linda
my friend dani is a really weird person. she's my friend and all but i don't know how to tell her how weird she is. help me.
Dear myfriendsaweirdo,
Weird as in how? Weird as in different? I think you need to be a little more specific. Also, to tell a friend she is weird in order to get her to change her weird behaviors, may not make you the best friend. I would need a little more information on this in order to give you good advice.
Linda
That's just it I have asked her a few times. We both found guys (our husbands) at the same time basically. She was married before to a guy right out of Highschool. She moved away for like 2 years came back pregnant and getting abused by her husband. We started hanging around each other, she moved back home filed for a divorce. Thats when I found out her son may or may not have been her husbands it was a messy situation.Her son was not his.So after awhile we both dated. She decided to try and get together with her sons father, I was with my new guy. Her man moved here all was good. She got engaged, I got engaged like a year later, She married, I married. But during my engagement she wasn't a real team player. I had a big wedding, with a bridal party of 18 hers was just me, I threw her a shower, we had a bachlorette night out I paid, she wasn't able to make it to mine. When we went to look for dresses half the time she couldn't make it, but I was cool but, thats when I noticed the distance starting. I call her to catch her up he's (her husband) always interupting. So she said I'll call you, she didn't even stay the night in the hotel with all of us the night before and I just told my party that she just got married.There's alot of info and maximum space here. She did come to my wedding was the first to leave to.I didn't hold a grudge. Months go by.. She got a house called to tell me that. I was excited for her I said I can't wait to come see it.She never has asked. I called her a few times it was never a good time also she never invited.Eventually a year passed I always sent cards, e-mailed. She never responded nor did her son. She calls me this past summer, Suprized I got a house, and that line "Oh your number changed why didn't you tell me " My cell phone has never changed and she knows that. So I told her I missed her and her son she said she was gonna be in the area and came to my daughters swimmeet. She looked great lost a bunch of weight, I LISTENED to her, I didn't interupt her.I'm the type that forgets everything the second I'm happy again. I choose to ask why she and I have not kept in touch, she said oh it's not my husband, I'm just busy.With School/band (she's a teacher) Then tells me af a student thats on my daughters team whom she dislikes. Is that why she came there? To show the student she lost weight cuz she called her fat? I don't know. That was august 04' and I havn't heard from her until my mother died in October, I called her I need her. My mom had cancer and died horribly slow and painful death. She came to the wake but wanted to see if her husband wanted to come to the dinner afterwards.?? I was crushed.Needless to say she never showed.I don't know what i did? The only thing I can think of is back when they were still engaged her husband lied and said he has to go out of town for work and she found out he was with an ex-girlfriend. I actually left my job on the spot to be with her, I was up all night with her.I told her whatever she decided It wouldn't change her and I . They still married I still was in it and nobody but Her and me and him and her knew. thats it.It was dropped. But so was I . I really am to old and so depressed after lossing my mom and my job of 6yrs in the same week,and I have had this on my shoulders as well.And it eats at me everyday. I just want to know what I did and she says nothing. And everyone else says one day she will need you to be there for her, but I needed her and she hasn't been there for me. Please help me. Sheould I write her? Banish her I need closure.
Dear Friend,
First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. It happened somewhat recently and I am sure you are still dealing with that.
You have been a WONDERFUL friend. More than anyone could ever ask for. You seem very kind and caring. You listen, you are there for her in her times of need, you make an effort and you work at your relationships. You are the kind of person that anybody would be LUCKY to have. On the other hand, your friend seems very self-involved. More so than the average person. She thinks about what is best for her, she puts herself first in almost every situation.
I'm very glad you wrote back to give more of the details and happy to say that my initial reaction was completely way off. It's not that the relationship is not working out for her. It's exactly what she wants, it is working out EXACTLY like she wants it. It's YOU, that the friendship is not working for. Between you and me, I am 36 years old and I have three friends of my own that I've known and loved since my mid-teens. Yes, we have been through some rocky patches over the years but we seem to work through them somehow. However, these friends and I have all made a commitment that, no matter what, we will continue to support each other and love each other for the rest of our lives. I won't kid you, sometimes it is VERY difficult. Everybody goes through their phases and has new issues come up in life, that, since they are new, they are worked through in the only way that we know how to. We can only use the information that we have on hand at the time. And sometimes the emotional supply is empty and close to it and that, unfortunately, is what we use to work through it. This friend of yours seems to have a pretty full emotional supply, however, she is using it all on herself. She has been taking horrible advantage of you because of the person and the friend that you are. This is a reflection on HER, NOT you. Please don't blame yourself. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you something, to help you to grow. When that purpose is served, the relationship starts to die. The great news about this, is friendships can revive, they can survive just about anything. It's really just a matter of perspective, how we are feeling about it at the time.
I don't believe you will get closure on this relationship unless you do the closing. Please try to draw back a little. Don't feel it is a reflection on you because it absolutely is not. You seem like the type of person who makes a commitment and you stick it out through the end. You handle your responsibilities also, as if they were commitments. And that is so admirable. We should ALL be like that. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. As I said previously, please back it up a little with her. Take your mind off of her. You are still going through your own emotional stuff and she is nowhere to be found. I wouldn't write her off completely, but you do need to learn how to teach her to treat you. The next time SHE calls YOU, (because you shouldn't be making the first move anymore) you probably need to be neutral. Think of yourself as an actress when it comes to her. Act as if there are no emotions involving her and it will come across to her like that. A phone call from her will not put things right. She needs to make some effort to show you that the friendship is important to her as well. One last thing, she may not have it in her to be as good of a friend as you are to her, but if you feel that she is being as sincere as SHE can be, then you may be able to feel as if you can trust her a little more. At this point, she has done nothing to keep your trust. I wish you good luck with this and if you ever need to vent or talk, please write to me. You deserve to have people treat you in a manner in which you feel appreciated and loved.
Linda
What do you do when a bestfriend of 20+ years just stops hanging,calling, talking to you without reason (I've asked )to you? I'm a female 34yrs, same as her.
Dear Bestfriends,
Twenty years is a long time. It seems odd that a long-time friend like that would just "suddenly" stop calling or talking to you. You say that you've asked, but you don't say how she responded. People tend to give up on things that aren't working for them. Do you think there are reasons why this friendship isn't working for her? You don't give much detail so one can only guess about the reasons. Can you tell me more?
Linda
there are these girls..Paty and jessica. okay well paty and jessica ALWAYS get mad at me for no reason. Dude, and im on these girls basketball team and I fouled one time and i said.."oh i dont rlly care." you no just because it was my first one. and paty goes to me "WELL WHAT THE FREAK...YOU SHOULD CARE." and she wouldnt pass me the ball at all. But this one time at school, i didnt get such a good grade on my socical studies test...(if was a D) & the est was on the whole book *well the stuff we covered* and Jessica comes up to me and goes " (my name) wat did you get? & paty butts in and goes I got an A+ and Jessica goes Me to"...and then they ask me again and i said "no" and then when our teacher wasnt looking they grab my paper and started making fun of me. Please helped
SOrry its so long BUT PLEASE HELP ME *
Sincerly,
crushed/MAD
Ps: there is a ton of more stuff that they have done to make my life miserable
Dear crushed,
Okay, first things first. I would stay as far away from Patty and Jessica as I could get. From your letter, it sounds as if you are socializing with them a little bit. (just a little?) Trying to get their approval maybe? People like Patty and Jessica are a dime a dozen and they are using you to make them feel better about themselves. Don't buy into it. It's not worth the heartache.
It's a funny thing about approval. When you act as if you don't care about it, that's when you get the most. So, if you want to change the reactions of these girls to you, you'll have to have a little self-control and change your own reactions to them. Don't let them see you get mad at yourself. Because that's what's happening. They are playing off of your own insecurity. So, the fact that you didn't get a good grade on your test...you know what you have to do to get a better grade. It's nobody else's business. And certainly not 2 girls that have nothing better to do than to criticize and put down others. The self-control part? This is a doozy....Ignore them.
Good luck sweetie.
Linda
My friend has trouble with confidence so she asked me to ask a question for her. OK her and this boy were going out but they broke up for a reason that doesn't matter anymore. Now they want to get back together but my friend's too shy. Do you have any tips for her?
Dear confidence,
You say "they" want to get back together. As in your friend and the boy want to get back together? So, there is no problem. Unless..... she wants to get back together with him and she only 'thinks' that maybe he does too, in which case, communication is what is called for. How to communicate this to him through her shyness...hmmmmmm. Tell your friend to find an excuse to be around him somehow. (the phone or the computer is NOT the way to do this) She needs to do this in person. Say hi to him without appearing overly friendly but be very nice about it. Look at his reaction. If it's good, then continue, ask him a question or two. About a movie, a new song, a band, classes, etc. And let him do the talking. Pretty soon, she should start to feel more comfortable about opening up. Then have her tell him that she misses him, but only a little. Like a joke. See if he responds in kind. It should be up to him at that point whether he asks her out again or not. He'll definitely get the picture, she won't have made a fool out of herself and quite possibly, they'll get back together! Tell her good luck for me.
Linda
My best friend dated my ex. It was a tough thing for me to see.They are totally over and you would think everything is fine. Wrong. I still like him. At least I think I still like him. I even have a boyfriend who I love very much. But then I read a note from my ex that was about me that was to my best friend when they were together, and now I feel sad. He liked her a lot. And I feel like a bitch. I need to know what is going on! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
Hi! There's a lot going on here. The one thing that is really shouting out in your letter is....guilt. Okay, what did you do? You say you feel like a bitch, however, there's nothing that you wrote that would make you into a bitch. So, I'm reading between the lines here. First, you have a boyfriend whom you love very much. And you still feel like you like your ex. Perfectly normal. He's free again. You have history between you. You read a letter showing how much he cared for your best friend. What, my dear, are you leaving out???
Linda
Ok my friend picked me up from track and i had her track shoes and put them inside and infront of the car. When we got home, she noticed she only had one. She sorta freaked out and then we had to pay her bro to go bak up to the skool and look for it. We couldnt find it. We got back and she was pissed and didnt want to talk to me. I felt really bad and uncomfterble, she gave me mean looks so i said i had to go home. I have to go back to her house so they can take us to a camp. What do i do?? i feel really bad.
please help i rate high
The case of the missing track shoe...so, they were in your possession and then you said you put 'them' inside the front of the car. So, at that time, there were two? Retracing your steps would be the first thing you should do. AFTER you have retraced your steps, IF you haven't found the missing shoe, go to your friend. And please don't wimp out. Face the music. She was giving you mean looks and wouldn't talk to you, but she was upset. As you were upset. Forgive her for that. Ask her what she would like you to do. If you've truly lost the track shoe, you may have to replace them, if that's what she wants. However, she may let you off the hook if you go to her with an attitude of openness, sincerity and honesty. Showing her that you care about what happened and you are very sorry about it. Oh, and keep looking for the shoe. My bet is that it will eventually turn up. Good luck!
Linda
hey there, some of you know that I answered a LOT of questions in this site. My friend doesnt have internet in her house so she asked me to ask for your opinion.
She likes her best guy friend, a lot, she cant stop thinking about him and she always gets upset when hes around other girls. I know he considers her as his sister, HE TOLD ME!
What she wants to do is let him realise she likes him more than a friend but I told her it would screw up everything! things would get awkward and stuff. So what she's asking is, should she tell him? Personally I dont think she should.
And she also asked why he hangs out and fools around with other girls instead of her?
I told her because you dont have the same interests and he thinks youre too calm (he told me). So do you agree with me or do you have another opinion?
Dear Teenage Cupid,
I absolutely agree with you. After all, why wouldn't I? Believe it or not, you seem to be holding most of the power here. You seem like a wonderful, kind, caring friend because a lot of girls would push the two together just to see the drama unfold! You already know that he just doesn't feel that way about her. I would tell her. It will sting a little but it will keep her from making a fool out of herself. By the way, the fact that he finds her a little too "calm", kind of says that he likes the drama a bit and if she did tell him she liked him, he would be inclined to draw it out, thereby hurting her even more. It's better that it comes from a friend who cares about her feelings. She may take it out on you in the beginning, but don't be too hard on her. That's just the sting talking. After you tell her, let her wrap her brain around it for a little while and then be there for her. If she continues to show interest in this guy, well then, you've done your part.
Linda
i am a freshman in highschool and so is my best friend , there is this guy that is a junior that i have known for a while named chad and i intoduced chad and cat and i started to like chad then i was asked out by another guy i named sam so i went out with sam. then chad and cat went out and i still liked chad but i never said anything about it, now me and sam are broke up and cat and chad are broke up and i like chad but i know cat would be really mad if i went out with chad because sghe said she would be cause i asked but now he aske dme out what do u think should do?
~blundered blonde~
Dear blundered blonde,
You don't say how long Chad and Cat have been broken up. It may be too soon and there may still be some unresolved feelings that she has which is why she gets mad when you bring it up. However, because he asked you out and you obviously like each other, it is ultimately your decision to make. First, I would talk to Cat and find out why she would be upset if you went out with Chad. You may find out that there's some insecurity about the two of you exchanging stories. (it's always a possibility because Cat is the one thing you both have in common for sure) Also, of course there could be some jealousy. I would be very discreet in dealing with Chad before you speak honestly and directly with Cat. When you find out more, you will be able to make a more informed decision about whether or not to go out with Chad because you could get the guy and lose the friendship. Don't be too hard on her, but let her know that he is someone you would like to get to know better but you also want to respect her feelings. If she's not at all open to it, your friendship will definitely be put to the test. If nobody dated anybody that someone else had gone out with, I'm afraid there wouldn't be a whole lot of dating! Good luck!
Linda
Hey, so heres my problem, theres this girl. We like each other. But we have(more like she has) made the decision not to date until were like 16. So thats fine i'm willing to wait. But theres a lot of other girls that like me. And i do want to date and she said that she doesn't care if i date while i wait. But.....well i really like her. Like almost love her. Cus we've known each other since like the age of 3. But i moved when i was 8. And now at 14 she shows up at my church. So i'm really confused on what to do. So PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Hi! First things first. DO NOT PUSH. A little patience will go a long way with this girl. Try to get to know her more by talking to her. You will have a better idea of how much she likes you. I think it's very admirable that she has chosen not to date until she is 16. However, your dilemma is that you like her now and you want to date her now. If you really, really like her, (almost love her) give her time and space but keep talking to her. Smile, be friendly without pushing for anything else. If you keep her at arms length, (within reach) you may find that she comes to you in her own time.
Good luck!
Linda
Okay, well I am in 6th grade. Me and my best friend have been soo close through elementary school and are families are so close and we even own a beach house togehter. Well, see Through out this month we have started to grow apart. She is trying to be like her older sister (preppiesh) and like that but before she started wanting to be like her older sister she hated the way preps were and that they were retarted and stuff. Well, now she has become a prep and is being someone she isn't. She used to hate this one prep and now she is like trying to be her closet friend. I hate the way she is being. I am hopeing it is just a phase but if it isn't I think we will be spilt up and stuff. I wish I could tell her this but since we are growing apart I don't know what to do. I used do everything to be her best friend because she wanted to end the friendship but now it's different I don't know if I would really care to not be her best friend. I have a boyfriend and since this one night I haven't told her really much about him. I don't know why I want to but then there is something stopping me. I need help. She thinks I don't trust her anymore but I don't know if that is true or not?? Please help!
Dear growing,
You sound like a very intelligent girl and your first line says it best. Growing apart....
People come into your life to help you to grow. When that purpose is served, sometimes you or the other person may move on. Do not be sad about this. This is a good thing. As you get older, you will try all sorts of things and try to be all different ways. This is to help you decide what you like and help you to be comfortable with who you are. Your friend is probably going through this 'phase' right now because she is testing it out. She's trying something different. And that's okay. Believe me, you'll do it too. Think of it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. In school, begin smiling and being friendlier to others. You will begin to make all sorts of new friends. Act confident and you will eventually feel confident. Fake it until you make it. Please don't be mad at your friend or judge her for trying something different. Be the bigger person and enjoy the fact that you have helped someone else to grow just as she has helped you to grow. You'll do fine!
Good luck!
Lindacht
some of my friends are really making me mad.. they say that im jealous cause my 2 best friends are hanging out and their leaving me out.. and they said that i have a big mouth and that i tell my friend everything that people tell me.. and they said im nosey.. ughh.. thanx for reading this but what should i do???? cuz my friends have been treating me really different lately cuz my 3 best friends think i like one of my other friends better then them.. please dont say to talk to them cause that doesnt work.. trust me ive tried it a million times! thanx sooo much!
Dear Help,
It's wonderful that you are asking these questions because it shows that you are aware and you care about your friends. Friends are there for each other in good times and bad. It sounds like you're going through a rough patch right now. If there are questions in your friends minds about what you say to other people and they think you are nosy, there is an issue of lack of trust there. Can your friends trust you? Would you trust you if you were in their shoes? Think about your answers and if it's something you need to work on, think about this... trust is earned. If you want to earn someone's trust, you have to be able to use judgement when relating stories or events that happen with your friends. If it isn't kind, or it's a sticky situation or something that you think they may want to remain confidential, then don't repeat it. Good luck!
Lindacht