Bucket's advice column | Bucket's Advice About Friendship

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Q: every day i run two miles around this park. my mom drives me there and reads a book while she waits. well, i have this friend annie. when annie's mom heard about me running, she wanted annie to do it with me. but annie's mom works, so she asked my mom to pick annie up whenever i go running. now here's the problem. annie doesnt want to do this. she doesnt say that, but i know her mom is making her. so we get to the park and she runs for like 2 minutes and then she walks. and i mean she walks slowwww. it takes me about 20 minutes to go around the park, but it takes her an hour. and me and my mom have to sit there waiting for her for 40 minutes. my mom is getting really mad about it cuz we have other things to do. we dont want to bring her anymore. but if we tell annie's mom what the problem is, she'll get really mad at annie (she's really mean to her). we can't lie and say we aren't going becuz everyone knows we are. so we dont know what to do!!

Well, you need to talk to both Annie AND her mom.

First, tell Annie that it is an extreme inconvenience to wait for her while she wastes time. You should tell her she has two choices: either she runs the full two miles, or she leaves when you're ready to leave. Tell her that as much as you like having the company [even if you don't], you can't sit around for half an hour or more, while she's wasting time.

If you want, you can help her come up with a program to help her get up to "par" when it comes to running. Maybe she can start by powerwalking one mile a day -- that would take her about 20 minutes. Then she can work up to running half a mile, powerwalking another. Then she'll be running a whole mile, and so on -- working up by a half mile [or quarter mile].

If she still continues to do it the way she is, then you need to talk to her mom. Just tell her something like, "I love that Annie wants to run with me, but I think it would be really great if you could take her to the park a few times a week until she gets more comfortable running and is able to get it done in a reasonable amount of time. I know she can do it, but she's going to need to work her way up to it, and my mom and I have other errands to run after I'm done running, so it's a little inconvenient to sit there for an hour while Annie walks."

If her mom has a huge problem or if Annie persists in taking forever to walk/run, then just tell her mom you guys won't be taking her any more. It's not your problem if her mom is mean to her -- it's a tough situation, but if Annie wants to get her mom off her back about this, she'll suck it up and run.

Q: 14/f

yeah, well i have a boyfriend now... but now when i talked to this one guy.. that used to lik` me.. and he waited for me because he wanted to, but i told him not to... but he said to wait for me anyways is mad now. he says that i lied to him and made him wait and lead him on when he was away from town... but i didnt.. well at least i didnt think so. but when i went out w/ the guy i am now i was goin` to tell him to not to wait for me, lik` i did last time, but then the day after he got mad saying that he shouldnt have fell for me and etc. i dont know what to do.. but i was pretty sure i didnt tell him to wait for me. he asked me out before but then i said that i felt a vibe and all.. but i didnt really like him. >.< help me please.. i want us to stay friends.

Okay... let me get this straight. Guy #1 liked you, and wanted to 'wait for you' for whatever reason. Then you started dating Guy #2, and now Guy #1 is jealous and says you lied and led him on. Right? Alrighty.

Basically, you don't seem like a complete idiot, and if you don't think you were leading this guy on [intentionally or not], then you probably weren't. Guys tend to think that anything that makes them like you more [even if it's a freakin' hairstyle or something] leads them on. So if you say you didn't do anything like that, then I don't think you did.

That being said, you need to talk to the guy that says you lied. Tell him straight up, "Look. I really do want to be your friend, but I don't have romantic feelings for you. I can't date someone I don't like that way, and even though you're a great guy, I just don't feel that way for you. I hope you understand that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't like you. If you think I lied to you, I'm sorry, and if you think I led you on, I'm sorry, but I never meant to." Then go from there. If he wants to be your friend, great. If he can't accept you as a friend, then I think you need to drop him like a hot potato because he obviously doesn't want you to be happy.

As far as Guy #2 goes -- your boyfriend. You should explain the entire situation to him as well, just so that he's in the know and whatnot. If you make it clear to him as well that you don't like the other guy, then everything should be fine and dandy.

Q: In December I was best friends with this guy. We're both 16, I'm a girl. Well we were really good friends, hung out everyday even if for 5 minutes, and called eachother everyday etc. He told me in January he liked me but decided he just wanted to be friends. Then he stopped talking to me. I was confused and hurt, after being with him everyday and talking to him, not talking/seeing to him at all was a total shock. Eventually I talked to him about it, and he said he still wanted to be friends/have a friendship. To me, it didn't seem like he was trying, and it still doesn't right now. I tell him exactly, directly, up front what I expect of him, which isn't much, and he never follows through. He calls maybe once every week, and only to ask if he's missed the bus. We hang out once a week, sometimes not at all. I guess I just really miss our old friendship and we've talked about it numerous times, I promise. And it seems while we're talking that he gets it, and the next day usually everything's so much better. But then he starts with his old habits again, and I don't know what to do! I guess I'm just asking did he give up trying to be my friend because he doesn't like me anymore? That's what it seems like to me, but I really need some thoughts here. It's been awhile since January, and I'm still confused why he seems to not be making an effort at this friendship. I'm really hurt, and just need help please.

I understand that you're hurt, and I get that you want to continue trying to repair your friendship, but it seems to me like it's gone a little too far for that. No, I don't think this guy has given up on your friendship because he doesn't like you any more -- in fact, I think it's the opposite. I think he gave up because he DOES like you a lot, but he doesn't know how to handle that.

I think you should give him one (and I do mean just ONE) more chance. Try once more to tell him how you feel -- that you want a friendship, or more if he's willing to offer that. Make sure he knows that you're not pushing him to do anything. Hopefully, he'll get it for real this time... but if he doesn't, I think you should follow suit and start looking for a new best friend, because that means this guy obviously isn't worthy of your friendship or your affection. Good luck.

Q: What is a close friend? how close do they get with each other?

are these close friends or too close?

Gina was siting on the chair, as Rosie came up and sat next to her. Rosie lean her head on her shoulder and hummm with a sigh.
Rosie grab her arm and held it like a hug.
when they walk together Rosie embrace Gina's arm and held her hand while leaning her head on her shoulder.

if Rosie does that to Gina once in a while are they close? or why doesnt Gina ask Rosie "why are you doing that?" why doesnt Gina tell her to stop?
are they too close friends?or becoming more than friends?

Well, it depends on the people. Some people really like to be physical, because that's just the type of people they are. Some don't.

Here's what I think. If Gina likes that close physical contact, then it's fine. If Gina doesn't like it, then she should say something.

If you are not Gina OR Rosie, then you should mind your business, because Gina's and Rosie's relationship is no one's business but their own. =]

Q: my best friends mom is kind of an acholic and like one time me and my friend went to a movie and her mom didn't pick us up so we walked home. my mom got really mad and i can't like go over to her house anymore. her mom won't let her come over to my house either. i really want to hang with my best pal it's just i can't what do i say to my mom?

Well, it's not your friend's fault that her mother has an alcohol problem, and your mother needs to understand that. Try to sit down and have a mature (as in NO yelling) conversation with your mother, and explain to her that while you understand her reasons for wanting you to be away from that type of environment, but you really want to be able to hang out with your friend. Ask your mom if the two of you can work out some sort of compromise -- where you get to hang out with your friend, but you never have to be in a situation where you're around her mother's alcoholism. Suggest that your friend come over twice a week for a few hours, or that your mom take the two of you to a movie or ice skating or something, once a week. Hopefully your mother will realize that your friend's mom isn't your friend's problem -- or yours, for that matter, and hopefully she'll give in to some sort of contact between the two of you.

Q: um, well yesterday i accidentally slipped to one of my friends that i like someone, and now she keeps bothering me about who it is. and i cant believe i slipped it out.

so now, everytime i look at her, she is staring at me, and before ANYONE knew i liked someone, i would stare at him non-stop and no one would notice! but now with her staring at me 24/7 i cant really look at him or talk to him as much as i used to!!

AND I CANNOT TELL HER WHO IT IS. she will barf and she's not even one of my good friends... and i dont really trust her too much. should i say i stopped liking him? will she be even MORE suspicious, then, thinking i lied to her? or should i wait like, until monday and say i dont like him anymore (when i really still do...)?

please helpp

Well, if she's not even one of your good friends and you don't trust her, then why does her opinion matter to you? If you really like the guy, then you shouldn't worry about what she thinks. Feel free to keep liking him and pursuing him if you want -- that's YOUR life and YOUR business. If she has a problem with it, then she's not just 'not a good friend', she's a downright BAD friend.

Q: I had a friend, last year. We were pretty close. Now it's like this year we've done a lot of fighting. He'll hit me with a horse whip or try to push me out a window, and I'll respond the same way. I've tried ignoring him, though I want us to be friends agein, I;ve tried talking to him, not reacting, being nice, nothing works, could you help me? I really want my friend back.

Wow. To be honest, it seems like this is the kind of guy you need to get OUT of your life. I understand that you used to be close to him, but he is a violent person and if you don't drop him completely, he's going to hurt you even more. I know that you valued your closeness, and you want to have that again -- trust me, I've been there. But this is NOT the kind of person you need in your life. You need to drop him. Here's how:

1] Put yourself in a situation where you're with him and can talk privately, but you're around LOTS of people (for instance, a restaurant). That way, he can't get violent with him.
2] Tell him you can't be his friend any more, and explain why -- tell him you used to value your closeness, but now you feel like he doesn't respect you and he treats you badly, hurts you physically, and does not respect you.
3] WALK AWAY, no matter what he says.
4] Follow through with this -- you HAVE to let this guy go. Having him in your life is only going to hurt you worse, no matter what he says.

Then find yourself a new friend.

Q: Ok. so my friend she is going out with my ex, and like she is telling my best friend that she kind likes him when he is over here saying he loves her and she is perfect. He is over here saying she is his world, and that he would die with out her. She is just in the relationship just to go out with him longer then i did. i really want to tell him whats going on because he is my best friend and i dont want to see him hurt again. so please help i really want to tell him but i dont want her to be mad at me!!

Isn't the cardinal rule of friendship, "Don't date each other's exes"? So in the first place, she's doing wrong. What an icky friend.

If you're absolutely sure that she's only in the relationship to date him longer than you did (and I do mean ABSOLUTELY sure), then I think you should tell him. If he's such a close friend, then he deserves for you to tell him. All you have to do is get him in a private place and say, "Look, _____. I know that you really love _____, and you would do anything for her. But I consider you my best friend and I care about you a lot, because we've been through a lot together. I think you should know that _____ said/implied/whatever that she's only in the relationship with you, because she wants to date you longer than I did. I just wanted you to know, because I don't want you to get hurt."

At this point, she's being a terrible friend and a bad girlfriend, so it doesn't matter if SHE gets mad that you told him -- because in my opinion, you need to drop her anyway.

When you tell him, though, you need to understand that you run the risk of HIM getting upset, and thinking you're trying to ruin their relationship or get him back or something like that. So brace yourself for that if you decide to tell him.

Q: Why doesnt my friend hug me back? or/and why doesnt she hug me? i remember in high school we all gave each other hello and goodbye hugs, we dont do it any more. i only do it when someone leaves far away on a trip and when they gave me a gift. but my friend victoria hugs me when we gave each other giftsof a thank you hug but Jane doesnt. i hug her for giving me a gift but she doesnt do it back, and when i give her a gift for her brithday she didnt hug me thank you like she use to in high school. does she hate me? or what?

I doubt she hates you or anything like that. Probably, she just realized she doesn't actually like hugs. It could be that being touched makes her uncomfortable, it could be that she just doesn't want that physical closeness with other females/friends/whatever. It could even be that something happened to her that caused her to not want to be touched any more (ex: a friend of mine was sexually assaulted and now she doesn't like to be touched). Either way, she probably hasn't said something because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that she doesn't want to be hugged.

From this point, you have two options.

1] You can just stop hugging her completely, and not say anything. Chances are, she won't say anything either.
2] You can wait until you're alone and say something like, "I noticed that you stopped hugging me back when I hug you -- do you just not like hugging any more? Should I stop?" She'll either explain what's going on, or she'll just say, "I just don't like being hugged any more," and leave it at that.

Q: i have to dance with a guy infront of the whole school and alot of adults that will come our school is grades K-8. 7th grade 13/f. im the freaky punk quiet type of girl. hes just gross and atleast a foot shorter than me and hate eachother. he just comes too close closer then my guy bestfriend does. i love my guy bestfriend he loves mei just dont wana do this i cant dance with that sicko i wana dance with my bestfriend. but i cant. how do i get over it and do it. i cant switch people. what do i do?

It's one dance -- what, 5 minutes? Suck it up.

Q: im a fifteen year old female..and i have this friend, her names jessica. shes not a horrible freind but she is very dramatic and she lies and likes to gossip..alot. well the other day i didnt feel like talking on the phone so i didnt answer her call but she kept calling, it went from the house phone to my cell phone back and fourth for almost and hour. i got sick of it and finally answered and she got mad at me and said that i was ignoring her. i told her that i just didnt feel like talking, and she got mad. now im a really nice person and i need help coming up with something to tell her so she can leave me alone already, i mean its nice to talk sometimes but im not a "talking on the phone" type of person. so i just need a way of telling her to kind of back off without coming across as being ignorant. thanks =]

I'd advise you to just tell her you're not much of a 'talking on the phone' kind of person. If you want to be blunt, you can just tell her straight up that she comes on a little too strong and she needs to distance herself from you a little. If you're looking to sugar coat it, you can say that YOU need to be distanced a little, so you can focus on some more things in your life (school, family, etc.). Either way, you definitely have to talk to her, or she's not going to change.

Q: i love my best friend [aka. Barley] but she's so annoying..what should i do? HELP!

Well, it depends. Is she a good friend? Can you trust her, and do you enjoy being around her (other than the 'annoying' problem)? If so, then the two of you need to have a discussion and work things out. Don't nitpick at her -- tell her things that REALLY bother you, not stupid little stuff. Who knows, maybe there's something that bothers her about you too. Hopefully, the conversation will bring the two of you closer to each other as friends.

Q: My friend is having a family crisis and her life is falling apart. I've tried comforting her, since I know how it feels. I feel so helpless, though, as if I could do more to help her. Should I call to make sure she's alrite or just give her space? I'm so worried about her. What should I do to help? Thanks in advance.

Definitely keep in touch with her and call to make sure she's okay every now and then -- if she needs space, she'll tell you. Right now, I think she probably appreciates what a great friend you're being.

If she does tell you she needs some alone time, though, try not to let it offend you or bother you. We've all been in situations where we just want some space. =]

Q: My friend kept it quiet that i was cutting because she loves me, but when it got so bad she told. i completely hate her, is that alright to hate her? now we dont even talk... i stopped cutting, so i guess she stopped my pain.. so i still love her..?

You need to thank her for telling someone. If your cutting was truly getting bad, then it was her responsibility as a good friend to tell someone. I've been in your situation, and I understand why you may resent her for telling someone about your problem, but you have to understand the situation that you put her in. You tried to have her choose whether she could keep a secret that was hurting you, and watch you hurt yourself, or (even worse), tell someone and risk you thinking she betrayed you.

Trust me, she did the right thing, and even if it takes a little while, you'll figure that out. Please try to rebuild your friendship with her -- you've got a great friend, and I'd hate to see you lose her.

bio

Hey there. I'm Holly, and I'm 19. I've been through a lot in my life -- literally, if you can name it, I've probably dealt with it or know someone who has. Unfortunately, it sucks, but fortunately, it puts me in a great position to help people that need advice. Feel free to ask me anything about anything. =]