Hi there Advicenators.
The last time I logged on here I was 21. Im almost 30 now. Wow I thought I was well put together at that time. I wasn’t. I was looking for validation in being right, or proving that I had the solutions to problems. I didn’t. It makes me think about all the times I went looking for answers online and who was on the other end of that answer. Was it someone like my 21 year old self who didn’t know anything? Be careful out there, friends, and I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.
-Kat
Gender: Female
Location: Washington
Age: 21
MSN: katlzxdcj@live.com
Member Since: June 1, 2007
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my mother is currently in jail until February for a financial crime and I am her 14 year old daughter. My dad said to find and write her a card to send her there since her birthday will be coming up. I have no problem doing this but some would say it is a bad thing since I would be supporting a criminal. Personally since her crime wasn't against me I think it is OK to support her in some ways like potentially sending her some books or something. If I do decide to send a card what should I write in it (I am horrible at thinking up more than one line to write) and was thinking of getting one of those jail themed related cards on the internet but then it might seem I am making fun of her, though I know she won't mind being teased like that
also, is this weird, I have talked to my on the phone while she is there and for some reason I feel more comfortable being open with her about anything now then when she was actually here. Any reason why I would feel that way now?
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Ok, you gotta get the idea out of your head that communicating with your mom is supporting a criminal. It isn't. Yea she broke the law and she's in jail sure, but she's the woman that raised you and it's not like you're sending her letters encouraging her criminal behavior. She's still your mother regardless of what she has done in her life.
I'm not sure what her sense of humor is like, I personally would wait until after the jail thing to start joking about it, but maybe she would be ok with it, I dont know. If you talk to her on the phone, you could probably just write something along the lines of "happy birthday, I miss you and ive been thinking about you. Love you". Just something to let her know that you love her and think about her.
I'm thinking that you might be able to talk to her easier now because now you know something about her. You now know a big thing about her, she is in jail for a financial crime. it's sort of like a big secret that she has shared with you similar when a friend entrusts you with a secret of theirs, you feel more compelled to trust them and be open. It may also just be that talking over the phone is easier than talking in person because neither of you are doing things or distracted by other daily stresses.
Again, it's a unique situation and everyone that's ever experienced it will handle it in a different way. Nothing you do, none of your coping mechanisms, are weird.
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I'm 14 and a female.. I asked a question about 2 months ago about me not sure if I should go to Mexico or not, and well I did go. It was an unforgettable experience. unfortunately my grandmother passed away and my mom and I have been having issues since then. I've always had this anger towards my mom. I try to let it go but the thought of what she did/does makes me sick. A few years back i was a lot younger and my older sister caught her sexting on webcam with a man. I was too young to really be upset but a few months ago she left her phone in my room and she left to the store and I also did something I shouldn't have. I snooped through her phone and saw she was sexting and had pictures of a man's area.. I haven't told her anything, my sister back then did but I didnt want to create the tension that they created before i thought i'd just forget about it but i didnt. its been making us fight so much i get angry for the smallest thing, how can i make ourb relationship better? (link)
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I can see how it would create tension. A loved one passing away, along with your mom doing things that you don't understand. It would be a confusing time for a 14 year old.
First of all, your mother is an adult. She has the ability to decide whether or not she's going to share herself with another person. Instead of snooping through her stuff and harboring this resentment, maybe you should bring it up. I know you are 14, it's been drilled in to your brain that sexting is bad. And for you it would be because you're a minor. If ever someone younger than 18 was sexting, it would be considered distribution of child pornography. But for your mom, she is an adult woman with needs, including sexual needs, just like any other human. Technology these days has a part in relationships now that are, to some people, considered normal. Talk to her about her love life, ask her questions if you don't understand something.
Second, your grandmother passed away. (I'm not sure if it was your grandmother on your mom or dad's side) If her mother has died, she is probably hurting greatly. When my mom died, I was an absolute wreck. I was moody and irritable and got in fights with a lot of people that I love. My family nearly fell apart. Perhaps she's holding in some emotions, that maybe she doesn't share with you because she might not think you want to know or wouldn't understand.
My policy on nearly everything, is up front honesty. Always share what you are feeling. Bottling up thoughts, feelings, and emotions is never good. You think about things for too long, draw your own conclusions, which may or may not be right. If you want to make your relationship better, you need to talk to your mom. Be completely honest about how you feel about everything. You may find out that she has some of the same feelings that you do.
Hope all goes well.
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my school starts soon. Luckily my mothers case is not a big one so it wasn't on the news or anything. I told one of my friends but haven't told two others. If I invite them over they will probably notice my mom not there. Do you think if people find out they will be all cruel or teasing like you usually see on television shows or understandable and just mind their own business? I am optimistic and believe they will be understandable and won't act in the way you usually see like on TV. It is hard to believe why people would want to be like that
(link)
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Kids can be cruel. But I think the way they act in tv shows and movies is a little over exaggerated. I'm sure that if it gets out there will be rumors and such. The stories always change as the rumors spread.
I'm not sure how old you are. If this is something I had heard in middle school or high school my reaction would be along the lines of "oh wow, I had no idea" and then I would move on. Kids are mor concerned with their own drama, who's dating who, sports, homework, etc.
Anyways, I personally wouldnt broadcast it for everyone to know, but I wouldn't lie if someone, especially a friend, asked about it either. I really don't think you'll be teased horribly about it.
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in what ways can being locked up change a person? I am wondering how being in jail could change my mother. I wonder if she will look at things differently (link)
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http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=613981
I've answered your question to the best of my ability at the link above. My expertise with this matter is based entirely off of someone else's experience, what they've told me and what I myself have noticed. If you want some more answers, you can try asking again on the main advicenators page.
Good luck, dear.
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Statements like that came when my dad mentioned it was good to not be hysterical and be understanding and he said to just look at the positives if the situation. That's when I mentioned the whole she will no what it's like to be punished tease. He mentioned it will give me an opportunity to see what happens when you break the law and it is an interesting and educational experience lots of prior my age don't have. Would you agree with that? (link)
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Yes I agree that we learn from other people mistakes. Especially those closest to us. Many people think jail is for hardened criminals, I would never go to jail it will never happen to me. But as you're learning, it can happen to anyone. Take in as much from this experience as possible.
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one "positive" way of looking at it , she can look at things in a different perspective or in a more objective light
someone said Since your mom will be in jail she won't be there to hound you for details 24/7 and she can give you a lot of good advice from an outsiders perspective. She also won't be there to get you in trouble if you mess up so you might be able to tell her more and be more honest.
she'll probably have a more objective viewpoint than she did before.
(link)
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That's true. In general, the more life experience you have, the more objective you are. As someone that has done something illegal, gotten caught and paid the time for it, she can put herself in your shoes when and if ever you do something that would get you in trouble. It doesn't necessarily mean that she is going to stop parenting you, it just means that she may be more understanding in certain aspects.
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definitely not in a malicious type of way, it is more a teasing and exciting type "ah now mom knows what it is like to be punished and is taking orders from others now". And also notice that there will obviously be a bit more freedom for a few months. I think the reason I am feeling that way is because I know she is not going to be in there forever and will be back and while stealing is still serious she is not in there for a heinous type of crime. Might be a childish way of thinking of things but I guess it is all right (link)
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Yea, it's all very ironic. Mom, the one that traditionally deals out the punishment, is now being punished. It's not terribly childish, I understand feeling that way. And yea, if it were murder or something like that, I would say don't joke about it, but she did something wrong, she's paying for it now, and she'll be out soon. You are free to think whatever you want about the situation and no one should judge you for it.
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I can't help but feel a little eh "giddy" maybe is the word about my mom being in jail. Not in a malicious type of way but more in a teasing type of way. Not because I hate her or dislike her. On the contrary I had a good relationship with her but I definitely find it kind of funny that my mom is in the punishment situation now and is taking orders from others and it might give her a different perspective on certain things. Also because I know she is coming back in six months and is not going away from forever or for years and years. I guess it is kind of childish to think that way but I cannot really help it lol . I actually told my dad some of these things and he said it was OK and he was glad I was instead not acting hysterical about it and even joked back "maybe you;re mom will understand how it feels when she punishes you, maybe when she comes back things might be different". People might look at it and think we hate her but really it is just a different way of dealing with it. (link)
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No I don't think it's weird. I mean, you aren't laughing in her face about it or anything. It's a unique situation that not many people experience, and it can be thrilling in a way. I agree that you are handling it quite well. You and your dad both, I'm sure its not easy for you guys and some humor can actually help lessen the tension. Joking abut a bad situation doesn't imply that you hate her at all, in my opinion, in fact it's probably the most healthy of coping mechanisms.
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Have to send the books directly from the publisher and they must be soft cover. You can't sendp anything that has to do with instigating riots, racial tension, violence, making drugs and escaping from jail and things like that. Those books you mentioned aren't like that right (link)
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Hmmm..in that case, you may want to leave out the hunger games. Its basically people fighting to the death the whole time. The other ones should be fine though.
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told me this is enabling what do you think
"Is it really worth the expense and effort? It seems to me that you are still trying to make her stay as comfortable as possible which is self defeating. If you want her to not only learn a lesson but believe she has a debt to society that needs to be paid, then you need to let her deal with what she's given. Sending her money for stamps and paper isn't enabling, but the fact you want to send her all this other crap and make her life a cushy as possible rather than exercising some tough love and telling her to deal with the consequences of her actions IS enabling her. " (link)
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To be honest, I think that's stupid. She's in jail. Jail is not a fun place to be. When you're in there, it's because you made a mistake and you're paying for it. I guarantee you they don't let you forget that. Being in there is lesson enough. In addition, it's a depressing place to be. It's hard enough to be in there, let alone without the support of your family. Think about the most lonely time in your life and magnify it by 100. That's jail.
What you are doing is not enabling a criminal to repeat past crimes, what you are doing is showing your love for the woman that raised you. This isn't about what society thinks is best for her, this is about what you, as a daughter, think is right. In the end, the choice is yours to make.
whenever I have a conflict, I always just put myself in that person's shoes. If you were in your mom's position right now, would you want your family to send you things to show that they're thinking of you and want you to be well? Or would you want them to excommunicate you?
Besides, it's just some books. It's not like books will make the whole jail experience "cushy".
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books really a good idea to help her pass time? Also are there any specific books that are good to send to an inmate (link)
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My friend says that books were good for helping to pass time. He was not in as long as your mom so he mostly just sat around all day in his bunk. Your mom is in there for longer so I don't know whether or not she'll have a chance to read. If your looking for time consuming books though, I would recommend
- Game of thrones series
- The Hunger games series
- The girl with the dragon tattoo series
They all have 3 or more books in the series so it will definitely help pass time.
Just make sure that if you send books, they aren't explicit because they'll most likely be confiscated.
However, if you're unsure about sending books then another good thing to send would be things like crossword puzzles, sudoku, or word search puzzles. Those keep the brain thinking and are totally time consuming.
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my mother is currently in jail the next eight months for a financial crime(if she serves her full sentence it will be about next April when she gets out). I might get flack for supporting a criminal but you know since her crime wasn't against me I guess it is OK to support her in this way. I was wondering what are some good books or magazines to send to an inmate, I honestly don't read much and I was thinking maybe there were some good specific books you can send to an inmate (link)
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Nothing sexually explicit because they will not allow them to have it! Some jails are strict and won't allow things like cosmo magazine or other fashion magazines and DEFINITELY no 50 shades of gray. (Life experience from a friend that was in jail) So maybe something like national geographic or readers digest. The stuff in those are usually pretty interesting and sometimes funny. Maybe get her a series of books so that it will last a while. like game of thrones, they will definitely last 8 months and they're pretty entertaining. The girl with the dragon tattoo and the hunger games series are also very good.
By the way, I hope you don't get flack for supporting a criminal, because even more importantly, you're supporting your mother, and that's a big thing of you to do!
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My mother is currently in jail for a financial crime for eight months. I have no problem with my mother and She was a good mother. Before this misdeed though I am wondering if now it might be hypocritical for me to listen to her now that she is a criminal. One thing I wonder is how being in jail will change her. Obviously spending eight months there would change you somewhat. I mean now that my mom is a criminal and will be surrounded by other criminals for eight months. I've talked to her on the phone and she seems the same but I still wonder. One positive that may come from this, maybe she will go easier on me. Though that could be a bad thing I guess (link)
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I know someone that went to jail. And it wasn't quite 8 months, but what he told me was that being in jail changed him by forcing him to reflect on himself, who he was and his choices. For him it caused him to see that he was going down the wrong path and that change was needed. Also that he thought a lot about what was important to him. He said that there were a few bad people in there with him but it was mostly just good people caught in a bad situation or that made a bad decision in life. You can't judge all the people in there because they have made a bad decision. We've all made bad decisions, some worse than others, its just that some people haven't been caught.
As far as her going easier on you, from a mother's perspective, if I were her, I wouldn't go easier. (just my personal opinion) I'm not sure how old you are, but, I would not want my kids to go down the road that I did, especially if it included jail time. It really is a bad place to be. And when you get out you can't get a job, apartment, loans..it effects everything. So if she doesn't go easier then take it in stride, she's just being a mom.
I know that you must feel betrayed and pretty horrible that your own mom did something like this. She knows that she did something wrong, she's doing her time for it, I'm sure the last thing she would want is for her family to turn against her, or rub it in. Support is important in a time like this. I really don't think that listening to her would be hypocritical either because this is something that you can take in and learn from. I've gotten plenty of "what not to do" stories from my mom. And just because she did something stupid in the past, i don't think any less of her.
Anyways, these are just my thoughts, I hope some of it helps. Best wishes to you and your family
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I m 15year old boy i want a sex relation ship with my sister. One day me and my sister alone in house my dad and mom gone out for shopping me and my sister Were fighting each other i suddenly i thought that i want to touch her breast so i pull her boobs so she fell down on bed.., she also come and pull me she also come and tare my shirt and i got angry and i tared her top so she stand in front of me with bra only she ask u want to tare my dress so i say yes., say want i want to do (link)
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First of all, assuming this is legit and not the work of a troll, please try phrasing your questions a little bit more clearly.
Second, no one should have a sexual relationship with their siblings. The fact that you're asking for advice about this tells me that somewhere in your mind you know this. My advice would be to stop this now before it gets out of hand.
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okay, so i am 15 years old and my whole life i have been a daddy's girl and stuff. But we'd always go through rough patches where he'd pull me by my hair, jump on my stomach, or smack me with wooden spoons whn i was in my childhood state. Now that i am a teenager, he has gotten worse and he tries slamming our heads to the ground. He also still punches and yells really loud if i say something bad. If i stick up for myself now that im older i punch back and then he goes insane and throws things and punches and sometimes even strangles. But i don't know if he has a bad temper but i love my daddy cause when we get along, we really do get along. But we had a child abuse class in school because all i wanted to do was cry. Because all of the symptoms, warnings, and signs of child abuse were my dad. He also had a little wine glass by his bed and he drinks sometimes before bed. That's when most family fights happen, at night. I am so scared that he is really going to hurt me. I have an egg on the back of my head because right now he just punched me for sticking up fr myself. He is a successful dentist and i don't wanna ruin his career for having him get arrested and we need his money for our home and to support us, and i love him when we get along.. and i'd cry if he went away but it's those outbursts that i am deathly scared of. is there a place where he can get help? and still have his career? His psychologist doesn't work. please help me, please ): (link)
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This also happened with me recently. Sometimes men like this just need to have some sort of boundaries. They're the boss at work and then they come home and they're the boss there too and they have no one to tell them when enough is enough. talk to your extended family, have someone tell him that this is NOT OK!! and that if it happens again, actions will be taken to stop him. Whether or not you love your dad, abuse is abuse. You don't want this hurting you in future relationships, and things like that. Best of luck to you
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13/f
i straighten my hair every other day because theres nothing else to do with it. my dad & mom found out that they did, told me i couldnt do it anymore because it damaged my hair. so they took my straighteners away. honestly, ive talked to them SO many times about my hair being straightened. they said i can't ever do it again. so i have no clue what to do with my hair. it looks bad natural and i need to straighten my side bangs, but no i cant do it. they hid my straighteners 2 times, i found them and used them, and they found out again and threw them out. honestly i have nothing else to do with my hair. it looks so shitty you have no clue. please help me, no curling, scrunching, braiding, buns, pigtails, ponytail, anything like that. im going crazy i have no clue what to do. (link)
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you dont leave us many options.
if you dont want to do curls, scrunching, braiding, pigtails, or ponytails, and you cant straighten i think the best option is to get your hair cut so that it looks good with your hair type. you didnt tell us what kind of hair you had so maybe get it cut short so you dont have to worry about it? or layers so its thinner?
btw. your parents are wierd. (no offense)
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ughh i want to get my nose pierced sooo bad. ill be 17 in like 2 months and i wanna get it done for my birthday, but my mom is sooo against the idea. i told her i just want a tiny little pink stud. she just thinks its horrible. its just nose its not like i want a tongue piercing or anything! how can i convince her? thanks!! (link)
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if you have your ears pierced you can show her how well a job you do taking care of them.
i wanted to get my eyebrow pierced a while ago but my mom is like yours.
well parents are wierd so if they are against something it will pretty much stay that way.
i was reduced to begging and pleading and i offered to pay for it and any following face infections i get from it. my mom garunteed me i would get one. blag! i didnt! shows what they know!
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