about

Hi I'm Derfel - & I'm Dannii, trust us 'coz you know what? We're always ....... ALWAYS right! Together we have a phenomenal amount of life experience, advice experience and 'drama management'!! What we haven't come across you could list on the back of a postage stamp (a small one). We'll talk about anything, don't mind getting personal and we genuinely care about YOU! We're hear to help and we're listening. Buy buy just now Derfel & Dannii xx




advice

13/f - Yesterday I think my mom walked in on me and my BFF watching porn on my computer. Im not positive if she saw EVERYTHING because we clicked out fast, but its been akward between us all morning! I dont know what to do/say or if im just being paranoid and she didnt see. What do i do here?! My friend just went home, but still my mom hasnt said a word about it. i feel SO AWKWARD! HELP ME PLEASE

The fact that you're mom hasn't said anything either means she didn't see or she's a pretty cool mom. A lot of parents would have made a huge fuss and been totally ridiculous. Ask your mom 'Have I done something to upset you'?, or ' is there something wrong, you've been acting strange with me' - if she then reveals she did see, the fact that she didn't say or do anything means you'll probably be able to have an adult convocation about it and clear the air. Enjoy your porn! Derfel Xx

[view]

ok my mom like dosent trust me 1 bit at all and i really need to ask a questio on here but.. my mom puts like these tracker things on my computer she can read everything i do on here anything i type and stuff like that anywhere i go on the computer.. so .. i want to ask everyone a question on here but if i asked my mom would read it and i would get in sooo much trouble i really need an answer thought but i still dont want to get in trouble

Over protective parents is an age old problum!and one that infuriates me I must say. So I assume your mum will read this question? If she does and she can see how her over the top behaviour is effecting you she may just remember what it was like to be your age. I suspect that's why you posted it, that was quite clever! Talk to your mum and explain how you feel, have you any understanding relatives who could talk to her for you?, she may be more inclined to listed to them. The main part of my answer I am addressing to your mam and I hope she reads it! ...... As a parent you want to protect and look after your child in every way you can. Their is a big difference between protection and mistrust, in fact the two are not at all the same and unfortunately you are confusing them! People always say the teenage years are one long battle between parent and teen. I happen to think this is an untrue and pessimistic attitude but there are always going to be issues to be battled over. The fact is all issues boil down to one: The teen wants to grow up, the parent doesn't because it scares the hell out of them - you know exactly what I'm talking about. Just remember this - it is a fight you are designed to lose because invariably despite your actions they will grow up! So accept it, remember what it was like to be that age, clean up your definitions of protect and mistrust - then maybe you an your 'young adult' NOT 'child' will have a relationship to be desired. AND they will dare to ask questions that seem pretty important to them!
Derfel

[view]

okay so my mom smokes and i hate it.. like all my clothes smell like smoke b/c our house always smells like it and my teachers look at me evilly b/c i smell like smoke but i cant do anything about it do you know any way to either get my mom to stop smoking or to like at least have my house not smell like it all the time?!

Your house and everything in it stink of smoke thanks to your mom. That’s bad enough but if theirs that much smoke around the house its not just your mom that’s smoking. I don’t mean any one else is lighting up and smoking purposefully but you and any one else in the house will be getting plenty of your moms second hand. So not only is she killing herself she’s putting her daughters health at serious and unnecessary risk too. I’m not going to go in to how your mom can stop smoking. She’s got to want to stop and make the effort her self but the problem of the house that stinks and a daughter at risk could be easily sorted. All she has to do is step out side every time she wants a cigarette. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and having to go outside in all weathers and at all times of the day and night may help her to start stopping! Sit down and talk with her, explain how you feel and about what its like at school with your teacher. You could also show her your question and the answers you’ve got. It might help her face the reality of the situation. If she does decide to quit by the way, drop a note to my inbox or email address as I have some very useful info she may find helpful. Good luck
Derfel
XX

[view]

My mom is very overprotective & strict. I'm 15 years old and can barely even go out with friends. She worries about me because I do have "bad" friends who are into drugs, alcohol, trouble, etc. I think she should trust me more because I have never done any of these things and I don't give into peer pressure. She doesn't even allow me to get into a car with anyone. She has some points in her argument, but I know how to stay safe and what not to do. I'm a teenager and I want to have fun right now. How do I explain this to her and get her to allow me to do more things? She's just mostly worried that I'll get hurt or something bad will happen to me.

This is something a lot of people your age have to deal with. Something seems to happen to people when they have children; they loose all ability to think rationally or calmly – they seem to live in a constant state of worry and hysteria. They do it out of good intentions – you know that but it doesn’t make it any easier to live with. The bottom line of the situation is something almost all teenagers and parents go through. The teen saying I’m not a child any more, I have to grow up and the parents saying no you can’t. It’s a fight the parents are designed to loose because their children are inevitably going to grow up. Sit down and talk to your mom and explain how you feel, stay calm and listen to her. Then try to make some compromisers; you might be surprised at how effective it is. Another piece of advice, what your mom doesn’t know she can’t say no to or complain about can she? (for more practical advice on that point send me a message and I’ll let you know all the tricks lol)
Derfel
X

[view]

My sister always likes going swimming with me and my dad. I find it fun too! But the thing is she's been planning it since last Sunday for her me and my dad to go Swimming today. But when I went to the bathroom this morning, I found out that I have my period. So I told my mom that I couldn't go swimming. But then when we were driving home from Church today, my sister brought up the subject, and my mom said that I couldn't go. She kept on asking and asking why I couldn't go and we told her because I can't. So now she's really mad at me. She's only 9 and doesn't know about periods and stuff so she's really mad at me. I feel really bad. I wish she was a little older so that she could know. So now I feel really guilty. What should I do?

Hi,
Theirs no reason why you can't go swimming with a period, its a myth.
Derfel

[view]

my mom is getting married to this guy whos really kool except he like flirts with me and comes on to me. he says stuff like hey sexy, hey cutie, hey pretty girl, and stuff like that and its really uncomfortable.. should i just let it go?

Hi there,

The main question hear is - is he really coming on to you or just messing about and trying to be friendly. If he is coming on to you - tell your mom. Don't worry about causing world war 3, don't worry about the consequences, they wouldn't be your fault. If he's just messing on it is still not acceptable if he is making you uncomfortable and you should tell him. Just say to him the way you keep speaking to me in this sexualised way is making me very uncountable, I don't find it acceptable and pleas stop. Or if you don't want to speak to him - speak to your mom. But don't just let it go, if theirs a problem sort it. If he is just trying to be friendly he'll probably be upset and very apologetic about the way he's been making you feel.
Buy buy just now
Derfel
XX

[view]

Okay, I'm pregnant. I chose to see my family dotor who has been my doctor for years to go see for my checkups. The problem is everytime I have an appointment and go to tell my in-laws about it they are always comparing my doctor to thier family doctor. Like they say "well Doctor So&So would have never done it that way". And they compare the hospital I'll be delivering in to the one they go to as well. You know, it pisses me off because I think it is my decision what doctor I decide to see, especially in this time of my life, I trust my doctors because i have known them for so long. And I refuse to change doctors because I shouldn't have to. This is my choice. The problem is lately I've been trying to bite tougue my in-laws oppinions but its is getting harder. I don't want to say something mean because they are very nice to me and do alot for me and I don't want to come off disrespectful, so what can I do to keep myself from blowing up at them?

Hi there,
I don't blame you for being pissed off. Its an age old story isn't it, nuance in-laws. Personally I wouldn't keep my mouth shut. How dare they have the audacity to question the skill and ability of a medical profession for no apparent reason. What medical qualifications do they have after their name? The way I see it - if you speak up now theirs more chance you will be polite and sensitive than if you wait and let your stress build up and up. Be definite and let them know that this comments are not helpful nor wanted, or it'll just go on and on.
Good luck with the baby, god bless
Buy buy just now
Derfel
XX

[view]

I'm a 15 year old with a little sister who's 14. We are not allowed to date and outr parents are pretty strict but they love us and just want the best for us. Anywayz lately my sis is rebelling(wearing revealing clothing, getting car rides from guys, etc) and i'm kind of worried about her, i just don't want her to get into trouble from rebelling or from my parents. Also next year i'll be able to drive and i'm expected to drive her but she's got plans to let her friends drive her to and from school and when i tell her it's not a good idea plus it's not fair that her rebelling may get me in trouble if she gets caught since she's supposed to be with me. She tells me that i can't tell her what to do. i don't know what to do can u give me some advice?

Darling, you sound as stupid as your parents - they've clearly done a very good job of brainwashing you. People have to grow up, no matter how much parents or older sisters want to stop them. My experience is that people with control freak, stuck in the past parents (like yours) go wild at the first taste of freedom. That's what your sister will probably do and your parents won't have to look very far to find the two people who are responsible for any adverse consequences, will they?
Derfel

[view]

hey my mom is an acoholic and she was like always drunk when i was younger. and it was horrible i mean she would fight with my dad all the time and she would throw things and pretty much the only memories of my early childhood is of my acoholic mother. well like 2 years ago she went to aaa classes to stop drinking. well now she is starting to drink again and just about everyday she is drunk and i can tell. she drinks no matter where we r but she does it sercretly. then when we r at a store or something she makes me feel really bad if i dont let her buy something with acohol. wat should i do i mean do i say something to her or wat? i mean i love her but she needs help......again.

I really do feel for you in this situation. Dose your dad know she is drinking again?, what about other family members? Because you really shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. The problem with alcoholics is they do not accept they have a problem and their for trying to persuade them to get help is very difficult to say the least. Where you go from hear is a personal decision for the family, based on the specific situation but try to stay calm as hard as it is and, as I say don't attempt this alone. The whole family need to come together on this one because your mom is the first victim of her drinking, but her family is the second. God bless
Buy for now
Derfel
XX

[view]

ok i love my parents, both of them equally. but lately (past couple years) they have been fighting quite a bit...sometimes it gets physical on both parts. ive never really stepped in b4 ive usually kept to myself or expressed my feelings later when they were in a better mood. but just like a month ago while my family and i were on vacation and in the middle of the night they started yelling at each other! and u wanna know what it was about!? a friggin hat!! i guess my mom felt guilty for buying a 40$ shirt and w/ no reason got on my dads case about his 40$ hat. and my dad got "hurt" by it. it was pathetic at the most. so finally upset by the fact that they woke me up and we still had a full day ahead of ourselves and just cause i was tired of it all i got out of bed and barged in on them. my mom in tears yelled go back to bed but i yelled back no this is stupid u guys r fighting while we r on vacation. anyways i ended up mediating for them until 3 in the morning when things seemed to finally be settled and they thanked me and apologized profusly. anyways things were ok the next day until i duno all of a sudden they were yelling again in the middle of disneyland. my mom was crying nad they were both yelling and acting so childish. i was so embarrassed i just ran away from it hoping to reach a bathroom. my dad caught up w/ me and told me he was sorry and that "we would fix this" and i yelled at him a bit for how stupid it all was and he apologized and we went back to my mom and they both apologized then too and hte rest of the vacation was great. i love my parents they r awesome and since then everything has been great... nothing wrong. but now this morning!!! im not sure what started the fight because i was still sleeping until my dad started screaming. but it ended up being that they were fighting about who "broke the rule" first. i guess my mom slapped him aside the head to get him to calm don and my dad slapped her across the face and they are now currently as i type yelling about who started what. its soooo pathetic!! i just wanna walk in and thell them how friggin childish and immature they r!! but im not sure if i should... really it hurt when i had to mediate for 3 hours. i dont know what to do... they swore they would get counciling when i was helping them a month ago but nothing has happened of course. oh and my dad is bypolar and add. and my mom seems to expect to much w/ his condition....grrr

Hi, I appreciate the difficult situation your in. Personally, if it where my parents I'd go through them like a dose of salts, however you may be more tolerant then me. It dose seem as if you have the patience of a saint in fact. Wait until both parance are in a good mood and then sit down with them to hold a 'family meeting'. Explain to them how you feel and how unfair it is of them to put you in this situation. They need to understand that it is Absolutely not acseptable for them to just keep apologising and promising to sort it out and not doing so. Even show them your question and the responses, it may help them face facts. Then insist they make and keep councillors appointments. Therapy with a good councillor can do wonders, but it is a working progress - don't expect results instantly. Then - a hears the big one, tell them you can not cope with this, especially the violence and if it continues your going to talk with your school councillor or the child services. Yes it's a threat, but its one worth making, they've got to take this seriously. Next time theirs an argument and violence is used (even just slapping) call the police. You won't get into trouble and it may be the only way to get them to face their responcabilatys. Good luck & god bless darling, keep us informed!
Buy buy just now
Derfel
XX

[view]

female,20 2 children eldest 2 youngest 7 weeks,differant dads when i drink alchol i get violent not al the time just when im stressed my partner over the past 4 weeks my partener has broken my finger n given me a black eye on both occasions he has said sorry and it will never happen again. he has taken my eldest son on as his own. i dont want to be a single mum with 2 children by differant fathers but i dont want to be a nervous wreck either i feel low in myself he alwys puts me down telling me im ugly and fat i just dont know which way to turn the violence only happens when we are both drunk please give me advice

Hi darling,
This man tells you it will never happen again, trust me it'll keep happening and absolutely will not get any better. People who hit their partner like this have vast psychological problems that can not be resolved easily. Your responsibilities lie with your safety and the safety of your children. Your partner is attempting to control you and your domestic life in an attempt to make him feel bigger and take control of his own feelings. You can not allow this to happen - you've got to take the control back and the longer you leave it, the harder it'll be. Get your self some help and get away from him. Make sure your family know what's going on and they'll get you through this. You can do this, good look and god bless
Buy buy just now
Derfel
XX

[view]

Ok, my brother, he's 18, and he has Asperger's Syndrome. It doesn't mean he's mentally challenged or anything, but it caused social and behavioral problems, and basically, he is absolutely impossible to live w/. I can't go through one day w/o him making fun of me, beating me, stuff like that. I don't think I can live like this anymore. He's always stealing mine and my other brother's money and stuff like that. He's so annoying and it's so hard to explain what it's like living w/ someone like this. Maybe if you looked it up on the internet, you could understand better, but I just need help. Does anyone know what I can do? I need help bad. Thanx.
Erin (15 female)

Hi Erin,
I understand the situation your in is very difficult. Its not your brothers fault he sometimes behaves the way he dose, you know that but at the same time you absolutely cannot be expected to live like this. The first thing you should do is talk with your parents and explain how you feel. After that its up to the whole family to come up with the solution, that may be simply talking with your brother, getting him extra help or as extreme as you having to live in a different house. In the meantime try to avoid conflict with him as best you can and keep your money on you! - good luck, be strong and you can get through this as a family. God bless, buy buy just now

Derfel

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker