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Q: So i am 18 years old i liked this guy i worked with since the first time i saw him. We flirted a lot and he made it known he was in to me. I soon found out he was married and had two kids. He took it to the next level and gave me his number but was casual about it. I knew where it was going. We texted a lot and he told me everything a girl would want to hear. he seemed so sincere. I truly believed him. He wont respond to my text or calls. What do i do? I think i love him. I told him once that i didnt want to talk anymore but then told him i didnt mean that. do you think he may be sincerly hurt by the things i said or does he just care? Please give me advice.

Oh good God... of all the available men out there, you're going to latch on to a married one...and with kids to boot?

You texted a lot... you think you love him?

Girl...come on and get a grip here. Leave this guy alone. He has a wife and two small children to take care of.

Find a guy who is AVAILABLE. I don't want to hear how wonderful he is or how much you think you love him. Move on. He isn't available to you or anyone else.

Jada

Q: I was in a slightly abusive relationship for about seven months. He was my first boyfriend, he was two years older than me (I was fourteen, fifteen now). He pressured me and physically forced me to be fingered/give a hand job/and blowjob. I was really screwed up at the time. Looking back, I regret everthing and I know the person I was then is NOT who I am now. I let him hurt me and use me and make me feel like shit. I have gotten so much stronger since the break up. It's hard to say he flat out abused me... Because at the time I felt like that was just how he showed he loved me. He would say horrible things though, and he never really hit me but he held me down and forced me to do things and he did smack me a few times. He always used his size as an advantage. He's pretty tall and strong for a guy and I'm pretty much just small... If he wanted something he'd have this way of towering over me or pressing me against something or squeezing my wrists. He was very controlling. It's been about six months since we broke up. And even though it was a really hard thing to get over, I am better. My friends were amazing for me and even though my family didn't know the whole story they supported me through the rough months after we broke up. It was hard to not go back to him... I am somewhat involved with this new guy but I have a hard time trusting him. Being alone together makes me nervous and he can tell... I told him I've had a difficult past but I'm not ready to tell him everything. It's hard to tell people what happened. It's really hard to admit that you were os weak and controlled... I'm just not ready to tell him. He's sweet and caring and respectful and I'm tired of not being able to get close to him. I know it's gonna take time but I know I'm huritng him when I jerk away from him trying to hold my hand or refuse to let his arms get around me. He says he understands that I've had a rough past even though he doesn't know what's happened. I know he undertands but I feel so guilty. I know it hurts him... What do I do?? (I'm fifteen sophomore and he's seventeen junior)

I don't think you need to tell him what happened in your last relationship.

You can be close to the new boyfriend without revealing the gory details. Just tell him that the last guy was really controlling and that you are stronger now and are working through your issues. Tell him that he was very intimadating to you when you were alone with him and your working on trust issues. Tell him you really appreciate his patience.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself. All guys aren't like the last one and it sounds like this guy is a good one.

Good luck to you,
Jada

Q: I am a 26 year old black male and I've been married for almost 2 years. My wife has 3 kids. I love our children but I don't have any biological children and we can't have kids together because she has had an hysterectomy. I take care of my house hole, wife and kids. My wife is a stay home mom. She gets every thing she wants and need. All I want is a biological child. We can't afford a surrogate mother and last night she told me that I can sleep with another woman so I can have a child. What should I do and where can I find a woman just for that reason?

I have to say that I agree with Witty.

Look, if you want to figure out a way to screw up a good relationship with your wife, just continue along this path. You will find yourself down the road divorced, paying your EX-wife child support, and NOT seeing the children she currently has, and you haven't even given thought to the fact that your wife may well resent the child for this.

There's a lot more to being a man and a father than donating the sperm. You will lose your wife's respect and eventually the respect of the child if all of this goes south, the way I suspect it will. And somewhere in there, you will also lose self respect.

Play the hand you were dealt. You married your wife knowing that she couldn't have more children. THAT was the time to think about your wants and needs, BEFORE you got married. I understand that people change, but you are really being selfish.

I can assure you that your wife has offered this 'gift' to you because she feels guilty about not being able to provide you with a child of your very own. Don't take advantage of that.

If you really want a child of your own, wait until you can afford the surrogate. PERIOD. Anything else is wrong.

Best wishes,
Jada

Q: We'll start off with some history.. I met this guy back in Feburary or March, we met through my boyfriend at the time, and he lived right across the street from me. He was living there with his fiance and her child (her child w/ another man, he met her when she was pregnant and was there from them on). So, I started to hang out with them more and more. And as the time went on, he (we'll call him Tyler) started flirting with me, and telling me he thought I was hot and what not. We (me, him and his gf) went to the beach together, and while his gf (we'll call her Shannon), was on the beach, too cold to come in the water, we went. That's when he invited me to come to his dad's house where he's living at this point due to legal obligations, to stay for the night. I said yes. On the way home, we did something really stupid, and the police were looking for us, so I left, going back home, across the street. I ran back over to give them something I had of theirs I had in my purse, and they invited me in. At 9:30, Tyler said he had to go home for curfew (legal curfew), and I said I had to go home too. We walked out of the apartment, and in the stair well he asked me if I still wanted to come over. I said yes. We went to his house, and slept together. The next day, he got arrested. He went to jail for a week, and when he got out, I was there, because I was babysitting for Shannon while she was at his bail court. When he was leaving, he waited until Shannon was out of the room, and he kissed me. Then he came back for something, and we made out for a minute, he told me he missed me while he was in, and he left. From this point on, he was living in Barrie with him mom, because he was banned from our city. We were talking the whole time, over Facebook. Finally, Shannon took his phone, and found all the msgs back and forth. She snapped. They stayed together. He went back to jail, for 60 days this time. He got out on August 3rd, readded me to facebook, and we talked ever since. We're together now, and he went back to jail on August 11th. He's serving 3-6 months. Shannon and him aren't together anymore, she has a new boyfriend. She didn't even have the decentcy to tell him that it was over, he got out (when he was in for 60 days) thinking they were together, and she's in a relationship on facebook.When we talked while he was out, I found out a lot.. like, she's cheated on him with 6 diffrent guys through out the relationship, including the boyfriend I met them through, and she's extreamly abusive. She's also bi-polar and has a slight bit of skitzophrenia. Now, the point of this question... He's been having a really hard time dealing with the fact that she's not going to let him see "his" son anymore, and just the whole situation. Now that he's in jail again, it's really hard dealing with everything, and it's really hard to love someone who's just not there. I'd just like some advice on what I can say, to help him through everything, and how to deal with this myself. We write eachother all the time, and he's going to call me, so just keep in mind thats out means of communication. Anything is helpful.. please don't tell me I shouldn't be with him, because he's in jail. He's made mistakes, he's a good person.

The first person to answer your question said you weren't going to like her answer. I'm here to tell you before you even start reading this that you'll like mine even less.

Where to start on this mess... first of all, none of you need to be in a relationship with anyone because there isn't one among the whole lot of you that knows anything about honor, truth, or boundaries yet.

Second, (so we can get all of this out of the way) you have more nerve than Hootie's got Blowfish. Who are you to attack the character of the other woman when you were 'pretending' to be her friend while making it with her man?

You boyfriend doesn't have a clue either. He draws you into a relationship while he's still with her.

Let's also not forget the fact that you think she didn't have the decency to tell the loser who cheated on her with you that she was moving on while he was in jail.

Seriously?

You want real advice? You need to get away from all of these people, focus on yourself and your education. Stop worrying about what 'Shannon' does. Stop worrying about the guy (sorry...your boyfriend).

If you spend half as much time figuring out what it is that you should do with your future that you do playing all these games with people's lives, you'll end up a rocket scientist! Let's not forget that when you chose to cheat with this guy, you didn't give any thought whatsoever to the child in this picture.

Guys will tell you (and so will girls), that the other person did this or that in the relationship. That's so that they feel better about what they did wrong. Hello? Are you listening yet?

Your boyfriend clearly expected to get out of jail and return to the other woman. (What was his plan for you? Someone to have sex with while he continued the relationship with 'Shannon'?)

Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way here. I could tell you what you want to hear, but that isn't going to solve your problem, is it? You need to hear the truth...

Get out of this deadend relationship. Figure out what you want to do with your life. Agree with yourself that you won't see ANY guy until you understand what a 'decent' man is. Trust me, there are plenty more JUST LIKE HIM all over the planet! Once you have a clear idea of a direction for your life, set a plan into action, and work everyday toward your goals. Later on, when you've matured a bit and understand what you want from a man, you can look for one then. He isn't a man... and isn't the one for you. He's a liar, a cheater, and he's in jail. Some future. (I know...he made a mistake.) Don't keep making him YOUR mistake.

You need to think more of yourself than this. You are worth more than that so you owe it to yourself to find someone who will honor and respect you and who you can honor and respect. Trust me, you'll know honor when you see it and this isn't even close.

You can't be someone's woman until you are your own woman. Work on THAT.

Good luck,
Jada

Q:
I know most people might say no, men shouldn't hit a woman back. But I think that if a woman thinks shes big enough to hit a man she should be hit back. I think that a man should only hit a woman in self defense. There are women out there that hit men when they get mad over something stupid and expect not to get hit back and sometimes they try to fight the man, while they expect him to do nothing but walk away. Im a woman and I think that if a woman hits a man she should be hit back. Just like if a man hits a woman for no reason she should hit him back. Im not saying that a woman should be beaten by a man though. Ive seen women hit men, bite scratch,threaten with a knife and chunk stuff at them. The man is supposed to sit there and take that? Most women arent as weak as people think they are.

Just wondering to see people's opinions...

If a man doesnt hit a woman back after she hits him, the next time they argue, she will try to fight and hit him, some women are vicious catty fighters..Im not saying she she get beaten

If a woman doesnt want to get hit by a man like Mike tyson, then she shouldnt hit him because shes mad, or over something stupid.

I'm a woman lol, just asking.

My cousin used to hit her ex. and he would never hit her back. the one time he did though, she never hit him again after that. Shes Grown up since then. If I was a man, I would treat her the same way as I would treat a man who comes up to me and hits me, I do not practice gender discrimination. but the point is everyone deserves to learn that lesson if theyre askin for it. Im not saying men should beat women, Im just saying she should get hit back.everyone who believes in genuine equality and responsibility should agree..
Men: if she comes up to you and hits you multiple times are you going to hit her back? cause that would be self-defense right? for someone strong like her

Women: Do you think if that woman attacked a man he has the right to hit her back?

No... a man never has the right to hit a woman. He has the right to stop her from hitting him, and most men are stronger than women and can hold them back. If not, a real man will walk away. If necessary, he needs to call the police and charge her with assault.

Now, to get to the heart of the matter...the woman in question needs anger management. She has the problem and if allowed to continue is only going to get more out of control.

It's a simple matter of setting boundaries. In the case of physical abuse...your rights stop about 12 inches from my body.

Jada

Q: i'm starting to think i might be slighly bi. i love my boyfriend to death, and i know i could never go out with a girl. i couldn't even hook up with one. i don't even like hooking up with guys. but when i'm drunk with my girlfriends or something, i always end up kissing them. i heard that drunk actions are sober thoughts, but i don't think about kissing girls when i'm sober. and also, most of my friends know that i'll admit that i think boobs are pretty. i don't know why, but they just are, and i like having them. my friends also know i'll be the first to admit that girls are absolute bitches, myself included, and i'll never go out with one, like i said earlier. does it sound like i'm bi or what?

No... it doesn't sound to me like you're bisexual. It does sound to me like you need to tighen up on your drinking though.

I know it's fun to drink with your friends and act crazy but when you start kissing other girls...you're out of control.

Now before you start thinking I'm older and don't 'get' it, let me explain. If you're at a bar, and some other girl starts getting too drunk and is kissing all the guys in the bar...what is your impression of her? Think that over. I won't bother to tell you what I think because I feel most of you will agree with me.

Swapping spit with the same sex somehow became the 'in' thing to do when drunk. It's attention seeking behavior...period.

The bottom line is you need to get control of your drinking. When you start doing anything under the influence of alcohol that you wouldn't do sober, it only means that you've had too much. Get yourself in check and learn to drink within acceptable limits. In other words, don't drink until you're drunk. It's unattractive and won't lead to anything good.

I wish you well,
Jada

Q: My boyfriend and I were going through a rough period. He started talking to my best friend on msn and they had a very very flirtatious conversation including them discussing having sex, him telling her her naked body would turn him on, her dancing naked would be hot etc. He asked her intimate and leading questions. He hid this from me and she told me, I confronted him and he'd deleted the chat log, but I made him recover it and it's disgusting. Is this cheating?

Yes, it's cheating. It's emotional cheating and it's no less destructive than cheating physically.

You've received some great advice already and I concur.

This is where you put on your big girl panties, learn what self-respect, honor, dignity, and loyalty are all about, and learn to set appropriate boundaries for all involved.

Your boyfriend should be told that he crossed three boundaries that you cannot accept. One... he betrayed you and two... he betrayed you with your friend. The third was lying (omissions of the truth - lying) and trying to cover his tracks.
Tell him you're sorry but you can't accept that in a boyfriend. And end it.

Your friend is even worse because men may come and go but friends should always be there. This girl doesn't value your friendship, doesn't respect you, has no boundaries, no self-respect, and no loyalty. Tell her that. And end it with her.

In the future, pick your friends very carefully. The ones worth keeping are sometimes few and far between. But real friends understand that your man is off limits to her at all times.

This is a hard lesson to learn and one you won't forget but in the lesson you should come out on the other side knowing what a friend isn't...and making sure that you yourself never cross that line with someone and making sure that your friends understand that any failure on their part regarding loyalty to your friendship will result in a termination of your trust & companionship.

Best of luck to you,
Jada

Q: Here's my issue! I was in love with this guy Angel for about 3 years! We had our up and downs and I moved on a couple months ago. With his bestfriend Paulo. I was prego from Paulo but I had a miscarrige. There's a BIG problem with me and Paulo though, He HATES me! I messed everything up between us. When we were together I made lots of mistakes with Angel because I was still kind of in love with angel! Paulo told me one night "how could I be with somebody that's having sex with my homie, my bestfriend, Angels like my brother" And I couldn't answer him. I always said "Ohh, that's just an excuse you don't wanna be with me that's the truth" And we left it like that! I don't have anything for Angel anymore, I finally moved on, but now I really like Paulo, I'm not in love but I do really like him! On July 10, Me and a couple other friends got drunk, and everybody was everywhere. Like 2 weeks later, my friend Audi tells me that she had sex with Paulo that night! I started crying! Right then I stopped and said I can't be with him! How could I be with somebody that had sex with one of my friends! That's when I realized he did mean it and it wasn't just an excuse! but now I messed things up between us and I don't know what to do! how do I fix things! the truth is I can't leave him alone, I can't, I need him! I tried being with other people and I can't! I think about him 24.7! I just want him! HELP!

You need to RUN...not walk in the opposite direction. Then you need to stop, breathe, and get a grip! None of you have any clear boundaries and until you do, your life is going to be one chaotic mess after another.

You didn't give yourself time to get over your first relationship before moving on to the second one. That was mistake number one. Then you had no appropriate boundaries in place to STOP you from sleeping with your bf's friend. Mistake number 2.

Your 2nd boyfriend also had no boundaries and slept with you...his friend's ex... a NO NO.

And now your gf also has no boundaries and slept with the guy that dumped you.

Here's the real deal. You don't sleep with your former bf's friends. You don't sleep with your gf's exes. Those are basic human DECENT rules. PERIOD. There are so many fish is the sea that breaking these rules is just ridiculous.

And the most important thing you need to do is stop being so needy that you can't function without a 'man.' Get your own life together first and THEN find a man who will bring moral character, respect, and love to the table. That's when you will see that this mess you call a life was NOT the answer.

Good luck,
Jada

Q: My bf doesnt really seem to be on point as far as being professional in the future i know i deserve better its not that i have a self esteem issue because i know i can get anyone i want so why is it so hard for me to leave my bf and find better, is love really that blind

Your question leads my mind to question you. You say that your boyfriend isn't on point but where are you? Are you on point? Have you done what it takes to become self sufficient and independent or are you planning on your boyfriend making arrangements for all of that and you're just going to ride his coat tail?

Frankly, I think you need to focus on yourself and your future. Once you know where you're headed and going in that direction, you will know whether this is the right guy for you or whether you need to move along.

Frankly, when I read your question, it isn't put together well, the sentences are run on sentences, etc. and I'm wondering... are you from another country? Is English your second language? If so, then I can understand why your question would be written poorly but if not then it seems to me that you are finding fault with someone else when you should be looking at your own abilities, or lack thereof.

What is it about you that makes you feel you deserve better? I'm not saying that you don't, but if you can't even write out a sentence correctly, I have to wonder where you get off critiquing others.

My advice to you is to work on you and let the rest will fall into place.

Good luck,
Jada

Q: so im 17 and my bf is 21 i thought i would end up having a happy life with hin but 4weeks ago he got arrested and he told me it was because he violated probation. even though he was locked up he called me every day and he asked me would i wait for him and i said i will because he is my future husband. so one day i wanted to see his mug shot so i googled his name and i found out the real reason why he was locked up was because he's a drug dealer.... now im feeling like i dont really know him any more and is this what i really want in my life. he dont know that i know the real reason why he's locked up im just waiting till he gets out to confront him. should i try to help him change or should i move on. i really dont want to leave him. i love him soooo much.

You know the answer to this question without asking it. If you are asking it in order to confirm what you know in your heart...that's okay.

This guy has no future for himself and cannot offer you one either. He was on probation, which is the courts way of giving him a second chance and he screwed that up already. On top of that, he hasn't been honest with you. And last but not least, you are under age! I realize you are only one itty bitty little year away from 18, but that isn't the point.

The point is that this guy doesn't respect the law, himself, or you.

You don't need to stick around to comfort him. What you need to do is stay in school, figure out where you are going to college, get your degree, and then know that you will never be dependent on a man for anything. That way, down the road when a loser comes into your life, you can look at them and smile knowingly, and leave them in your dust.

You are worth so much more than what this guy can ever give you... please don't sell yourself short!

Best regards,
Jada

Q: My husband left his facebook logged in and i looked at the messages. He sent messages to some woman he plays poker with. the first two were innocent. She said yeah I made my bed i have to lie in it. My husband responded with. "next time you make your bed and lie in it..invite me over". I yelled at him, told him i would leave. He plays poker with her on mondays and said he doesnt like her "that way" and was just flirting.. REALLY? he is very apologetic and sweet to me. We have been married 8 months. I am very attractive and this woman is the exact opposite of me . What the hell is going on!! where do I go from here. By the wasy he is a wonderful husband otherwise. Thanks..Kim

I hate to disagree with the other advice you have received here but I do. Your husband has no business talking to any other women that way on or off line. It's disrespectful to you and to your marriage.

Before I answered this question, I put myself in the position of the woman he was talking to and asked how I would have felt if that comment was made to me. I can tell you, I would take it as an open door.

Emotional infidelity is not acceptable as others would have you believe and when married, privacy is out the window. In my opinion, you have the right to view anything he does and he has the right to view anything you do. If memory serves me, part of your vows were that two are now joined as one. As long as no one is doing anything that needs to be hidden... no problem.

This may not be the most popular answer but it is the most honest one that I can give you. More than one marriage has gone awry over stupid crap that begins over the internet.

The bottom line here though is what you are willing to put up with. I for one, feel that I deserve better than that. I feel that you do to and most people will push the envelope to see just what they can and can't get away with.

My advice? Tell your husband in a respectful way that this type of behavior bothers you and is unacceptable. Let him know that you will respect him as your husband and you would appreciate the same from him. If the two of you can communicate about this issue and come to an understanding, with any luck at all you will enjoy a long and happy marriage, and not just one where you have 'learned' to put up with each other.

Best of luck to you,
Jada

Q: My boyfriend recently confided in me that he was raped by a 17yr old boy when he was just 4 years old.

Now I understand why he relies on pot to "help him" through his life.

It makes me so sad. He cannot get a job because he is illegal (not his fault). He cannot afford therapy. I am really worried about him....I want to be there for him and help him. Any suggestions? please..

Hi...I am sorry to hear this happened to your boyfriend as a child. It's horrible.

However, relying on pot to get through life, as you put it, is simply and excuse that he is using in order to bury his feelings about what happened to him and avoid dealing with it.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him and help him realize that this isn't going to go away on its own. What you call understanding, I call codependence and you need to stop doing that before you find yourself in a postition of needing help yourself.

He may not be able to afford therapy but he can go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or NA (Narcotics Anonymous) for free and they are everywhere. There he can find some help, a sponser, and the will to man up and realize that sometimes bad things happen to good people, but self medicating is not the solution.

Is he under age? I would normally suggest checking with Social Service who offer therapy for those who are uninsured but his status as a illegal may not support that.

As for you, you need to pick up a copy of the book, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and read it. If affordability is an issue for you, go to your local library and pick up a copy for free. You need to understand that you cannot fix this. It's up to him to seek help and if he doesn't, he will only bring you down.

Good luck,
Jada

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Southern girl...loves family, Rotties, beaches, mountains, and being outside!

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