I'm here to answer questions about sex and relationships. Everyone is welcome to ask anything that concerns you. I'll always answer with thoughtfulness and respect.
Member Since: November 27, 2004
Answers: 22
Last Update: December 2, 2004
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Here's my problem: there's this guy who is completely in love with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't feel the same way about him. This ordinarily wouldn't be a problem, but we've had a casual sexual relationship in the past. I don't want it to continue, but I can't think of a good way to say that without being hurtful. Avoidence isn't going to work forever. (link)
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Does he still try to contact you? Does he call you, write emails, etc.? Are you ignoring his attempts to contact you? It sounds like your gut instincts are telling you it is better to tell him what is going on with you, rather than just ignoring him and hoping he will go away. It's always better to be upfront and honest with your thoughts and feelings than to avoid uncomfortable conversations. The next time he tries to contact you, respond. Talk to him, preferably face-to-face, but the phone is way better than just an email. Just tell him what you want. Do you want a friendship with him? Or, do you want no contact with him at all? If you treat him kindly and respectfully, you will have done the best you can. He will probaby be hurt, but you can't really be responsible for that. We all go into dating knowing that we aren't always going to get what we want. The potential to be hurt comes with the territory. As long as you are not being selfish and cruel, and you are being honest, you are doing the right thing.
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Darrel, this guy I like, likes me back. Except...he's black, and I'm white. And my mom has already told me that she wouldn't support me if I were to date a black guy. Not because she's racist, but because of the "problems" it causes, and everyone will look at you differently. But she isn't going to forbid me from doing it, because she knows that I have to do what's right for me, not for her. And anyway, I think that the things that go along with dating a black person kind of are problems - other black guys will look at you and think, oh, she's into black guys, and other white people will look at you differently, and if they don't know Darrel they won't know what a sweet, funny, smart guy he is, and how he wouldn't ever get mixed up in the wrong crowd. But I think I might really like him. And it's wrong not to date someone just because they're black - that's racism! I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need some comfort and someone telling me what the right thing to do is, lol! Sorry about the long story, but I rate! (Oh, and I'm 14/f, by the way.) (link)
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You are right when you say not dating a guy because of his race is racist. Your mom thinks she is looking out for your best interests by trying to keep you from being in a difficult relationship. This is pretty typical thinking-- other people will give you trouble for dating someone who is not the same race as you, therefore you, and everyone else, will be happier if you just stick to dating your own race. What's wrong with this thinking is a complete lack of responsibility. If we all had this attitude, think of all the advances in civil rights that would never have occured. It would have been "easier" to just look the other way and let racial injustice stay as it had always been. What would actually be better is if people who claim to not be racist would stand up, have some backbone, and say "Who cares what other people think. Racism is always wrong, and you should date the person you want to date." If your mom is worried about the trouble you will face from racists, the answer isn't to discourage you from dating a black guy. The answer is for her and you to get involved in the fight to stop racism.
Don't worry what other people think about you. There are a lot of small-minded people in the world who will always have something bad to say about the person you are with. What is important is for you to stay true to your values. Date someone because you like him, not because of the color of his skin.
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We are constantly getting into petty arguments, that escalate until he is angry and I am upset, sometimes to the point of tears. He blames me, saying I go on too much about things, and I blame him because I feel he doesn't listen or respond to anything I say, or he belittles me and my point of view. He says I belittle him too. I don't really know where to begin but to explain what happened today. We were going out to lunch with our 5-year-old daughter and as we were leaving, he suggested a fish and chips restauraunt called "Tugboat". At first, I agreed, but after we got in the car I said "I really don't feel like fish and chips. Can we go somewhere that has other choices?" I don't recall if he even responded. So I suggested three fast-food places that have fish and chips and other choices as well. He said "I don't want to eat fast food, " in this very hostile tone of voice like I was stupid for suggesting it. I went on to explain that there are heathly things he could get there too, like salad, and that the place he wanted to go was fast food and not healthy anyway. He did not acknowlege my valid point and continued to make negative remarks. He said that he didn't want to eat salad. I said ok then, but they have fish and chips, which is what you said you wanted." Then he got more angry and denied that he said he wanted that. I pointed out that the restaurant he wanted to go to only served that and little else. I explained again that I was just trying to be fair and pick a place we would all be happy with. He just told me to shut up and that he wanted to go home. I couldn't figure out what he was so upset about. Maybe I overexplained my point of view, but I was getting no response from him. At one point, he drove to one of the fast-food places I suggested and said in a very nasty tone "Here is the place you wanted to go. Are you happy now?" No, I wasn't, because I didn't like his attitude, and I said "If you don't want to eat here, just tell me where you'd like to go?" He refused to answer, so I angrily got out of the car and started to walk away, telling him he was being a jerk. I ended up getting back in the car and he told me I was a psycho. I said I wouldn't be acting like this if he didn't treat me like my ideas were stupid, and refuse to tell me where he wanted to go. We then went through the drive-thru of another restaurant, three times, and he kept getting out of the line because I was upset and wanted to talk to him about how I felt. Our daughter was really hungry, as was I, and was getting really upset. Finally, we ended up at a nice restaurant and I calmed down enough to go in, and we had a good lunch, but barely talked. I was still upset and angry. All this took about a hour of wasted time driving around. He still never acknowleged that he was wrong to not respond to me when I asked him where he wanted to go. He did apologise for belittling my suggestions, though, and I admitted that I tend to go on about things, but only if I feel that he is not understanding or acknowledging me. I know that I'm partially responsible for these petty arguments. but I don't know how to change this destructive pattern. My husband just wants to "drop it" and it never gets resolved. We argued about this and many other petty things over and over again and I just want it to stop. I love my husband and I know that he loves me, but sometimes it feels like we are enemies at war, and this is not a good example for our daughter. Also, I am 4 months pregnant, and the stress is not good for me or the baby. Help! And please don't suggest divorce. I am determined to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Please tell me objectively what each of us is doing wrong. Thanks (link)
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You and your husband need to learn how to communicate assertively. To do this, each of you needs to take responsibility for your own feelings, and come up with some rules for fair fighting. These are all things that a marriage counselor can help you with. Your description of your relationship makes it sound like you and your husband could really use some counseling. You are absolutely right that the way you are communicating now is very bad for your child. We all learn how to communicate with others from our parents. Is this what you want to pass on to your children? Hopefully, you will get into counseling right away. In the meantime, try to remember this wise saying: You can't be right and be in a relationship. As soon as it becomes about "I'm right, and you're wrong," then it's impossible to really listen and respond rationally and lovingly.
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My boyfriend and I have been going out for 3 years... and in this 3 years I have always bought the birth control pills and condoms (i know about prescription plans but i couldnt get one until like now) I have always tried to get him to buy or help pay for it but he never does, or always forgets just recently i told him he was going to pay for the next batch of birth control pills i was buying and he got all mad, and said i should pay for it? Is that fair? I think since it is for both of us we both should pay and seeing how i have paid PLENTY of money that he should put in some money? What should I do to help him understand? (link)
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It's great that you are using condoms in addition to the pill.
What should you do to help your boyfriend understand that birth control is his responsibility as well as yours? Well, my initial reaction is that you don't have to do anything to help him-- help yourself and dump him. If he has no concept of personal responsibility, fairness and how to share you should break up with him. I'm struck by the fact that you have to ask whether or not it's fair that he refuses to help pay for birth control. Surely, you know the answer to that question. For crying out loud, couldn't he at least buy the condoms?! This guy needs to show some thoughtfulness, respect and maturity before he can be an equal partner in a relationship with any woman who cares enough about herself to not put up with such shabby treatment and immature behavior.
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ok so my ex boyfriend and i have been on and off for a little over 4 years. i did see other people in between but its not the same. he has been my best friend for what seems to be my whole life. i have been able to go to him for everything. well a year ago November we got back together and things were great. he means everything to me. i love him more then anything and i know that he truly loves me.. however things got rough this past September and we broke up again. i dumped him. but we promised to be best friends still. for a while things were still great. like we still hooked up and kissed and everything but i don't want to be friends with benefits. but i cant help it when im with him. so last week the week of November 15th was great. we hung out Monday, Wednesday(what would have been 1 year) and then Saturday. Wednesday was the best. i mean he told me he loved me and everything but then Saturday he was a jerk. we hooked up and i told him i loved him and hes like i know u do. but was gay about it. he ended up leaving shortly after. then we didn't talk all week. till i called him Friday upset needing someone to talk to and he couldn't be there for me. then on Saturday i told him again that i really needed him and hes like well im busy. BLAH! i cant take this anymore. its like he cares about me but he doesn't show it. he never calls me anymore like he promised he would and like how tings were b4 we got back together. what should i do? im not happy anymore. i want to express myself to him and tell him how im hurting but i don't know how to. i don't want to stop talking to him cause he has always been my best friend but its like i have too. i don't know what to do. please help me! (link)
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"But was gay about it." Um, was he having sex with a man while he was telling you he knows you love him? Oh, you mean he was being stupid about it. Like gay = stupid. Interesting.
Actually, what's really stupid, is jumping around in this emotional 3-ring circus of a relationship. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Try taking a break from this guy, and when you have calmed down, try to look rationally at everything that has gone on between the two of you. Then, if you decide he is really someone you want to trust with your heart, tell him what you want. If he can't give it to you, then you're ultimately better off without him.
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ok, so i like this guy, and he likes me as far as i know, we hooked up one day [when he was going out with his g/f] and then he got sent to jail for a month, hes not bad tho :-/ well, now hes back and he likes me and i like him kinda, but i just got out of a relationship, a bad one, and i dont want a boyfriend right now, but at the same time, i really like this guy and want to hang out and stuff, but his now ex girlfriend has a problem with us hanging out. What should I do? *~confused~* (link)
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Hello, can you say drama??! No wonder you're confused. I'm confused after just reading your question. First of all, I'm confused by your use of "hooked up"-- "we hooked up one day (when he was going out with his girlfriend)". In my little world, hooked up could mean anything from getting together for a friendly game of Parcheesi to getting together and gettin busy. So, what did you do? Let's assume you did something between making out and having sex. Why did you do it while he had a girlfriend?
I'm also confused about why you want to date this guy. The only thing I know about him is he cheated on his girlfriend and recently spent time in jail. Not really a big commercial for a potential love match. I never understand why people want to couple up with someone who cheated on their girlfriend or boyfriend to be with them. This person is SO going to cheat on you, too.
You just got out of a bad relationship? You may want to hold off on jumping into another one, and figure out why you're picking these guys in the first place. I think you are smart for wanting to take a break from dating for now.
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I have quite a few friends whose crushes run far deeper than this girl who might be underage. Really, there's only a handful of people I talk to that aren't college students. The girl who I have the strongest feelings for is unattainable. This isn't just my low self esteem talking, she really isn't.
1. She's one of my best friend's ex.
2. She's my favorite teacher's daughter. I might lose some of his respect if he even new I had these feelings. Mainly because
3. she's engaged. And the guy she's engaged to seems like a great guy.
This girl is a few months older than me, but we graduated together.
Other girls don't seem to feel the same way I do. I told this other friend I had feelings for her, and that ended in me being angry at her and hiding it (She lied about how she felt, and it hurt pretty bad. I won't bore you with that, it's in the past).
Anyway, this is the only girl (the one at the store) who actually seems to have feelings for me too. The real problem is I live in a semi-small town. Most of the girls I know are already spoken for. And I simply will not date her if she's too young. (link)
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It sounds like you are a great guy with good rules for yourself about who it is and isn't ok to date. Meeting people can be really tough. And sometimes dating just sucks. It's important to try and keep your sense of humor and optimism about the whole thing. If you like someone and they don't like you, learn to let it go right away, or you'll become discouraged and bitter. Just keep treating people respectfully, and eventually you'll meet a girl who is a great match. Most girls you meet will not be a great match. Maybe that's why it's so special when we do meet the right person.
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ok. i dont really know how to deal with this whole situation.
I like this guy..but i dont wanna even say anything to him b/c i have been there before with him. He would be really childish and rub it in my face later if hes not "into me" then. hes really sweet and ALL the other stuff. but i know later on (months ahead) he will just use it against me. hes the -Flirt with everyone- type. Does anyone have ANY ideas to get anything out of him (link)
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OK, there is something here that doesn't make any sense to me. He's really sweet, AND he's childish, petty, and will use things against you in the future? Huh? That doesn't sound very sweet to me. It also doesn't sound like someone worth going out with, or even spending ten minuites thinking about. Why would you want to go out with a guy who will rub things in your face, be childish, use things against you (how can you wanting to go out with him be something that could be "used against you??"), and is a "flirt-with everyone" type? Yuck! Oh, is it because he's so cute and hot? Hmmm. Do you really have that low of an opinion of yourself? Are you so unlikeable that you would go out with a guy who treats you like crap, just because having a good-looking boyfriend makes you feel better about yourself? You wouldn't let an ugly guy treat you like dirt, so why does a hot guy get to?
Believe me, you are not the only person out there who does this. There are so many girls (and guys) who let guys treat them like crap just because they are so hot. That's why these guys keep getting away with being such jerks. So come on, everyone-- don't let people treat you badly just because you want to have a hot boyfriend. That's not hot, it's pathetic. Is that what you want?
Feel great about yourself, and date a guy who treats you with the respect you deserve! THAT'S hot!
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I've had this crush on this girl for quite some time. It's gotten to the point where I'll buy stuff I don't really need, nor do I really want, just to talk to her. She always seems happy to see me and always gives me a big hug before I leave. The problem is I have no idea how old she is. I'm not the type of guy who judges people who date younger or older people, but it seems to worry my when I'm involved. I'm 20, what if she's only 15 or 16. She looks and kind of acts young, so I'm worried. What do you think the dating age limit should be for someone like myself?
The other problem. Earlier today, I saw scars and cuts on her rist. It doesn't look like something an accident would have caused. I know she can't really die from cuts on arm, but the scars aren't exactly good for her either. How should I go about asking her where they're from? Is it even my business to ask such a question? What if she obviously lies to me about the scars origins? Should I just drop it then or what? (link)
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If you're over 18, then you should not be dating anyone under 18. Legally, you could get yourself into trouble. Plus, it's just kinda creepy for a 20-year old to be dating a 15-year old. In your question, you seem to be uncomfortable with dating someone that young. Go with your instincts. Remember what you were like when you were 15? There is a big difference emotionally between a 15, or 16-year old and a 20-year old. Plus, if you have sex with a girl under 18, that's rape. Even if she consents. In some states, if an adult has sex with a minor under 16 it's also considered child abuse.
So, if you want to ask this girl out, just ask her how old she is.
As far as the scars and cuts on her wrist-- you don't know where they are from. It sounds like you don't know her well, yet her cuts and scars are pretty easy to see when you see her. If she has been cutting herself, she would probably try hard to hide the evidence. Maybe I've misunderstood, and she is a friend of yours. You could ask her about it. Just keep it low-key-- "I noticed your scars and cuts on your wrists. Did you have an accident? Are you OK?" But if you don't know her, except in passing at the store where she works, then that would be an awkward question to ask. Of course, if she is in trouble, and needs someone to notice her and help her, an awkward question doesn't seem all that bad, does it?
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. We're getting pretty close. But my best guy friend..who's slept over my house a lot and he's always calling me and always around me..well, now he says that he keeps getting tempted to kiss me and he wants to hook up even if he has to share me. i think its crazy. but i dunno what to tell him. hes really fun and ive had questions whether i like him or not. but i really like my boyfriend and i wanna be with him so bad. what should i tell my best friend? (link)
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You've been with your boyfriend for three months. You say you and he are getting pretty close. I'm going to give you two answers to this question-- one is if you have not promised to date your boyfriend exclusively, and one is if you have made that kind of commitment to each other.
If your relationship is at the level where there is no commitment, it's casual, and you are able to date others, then it would be ok for you to try out dating your best friend. Taking your time to really get to know a guy, and even dating more than one guy before you make a commitment to dating one guy exclusively, is a great idea for building good relationships. That's why it's important to take your time and really get to know someone before promising to see each other exclusively.
However, if you have promised your boyfriend that you won't see other people, then you are getting into some trouble here. If you are seeing your boyfriend exclusively, then why is your friend staying overnight with you? He has told you that he has romantic feelings for you (or, at least sexual) so, clearly there is more than friendship going on here. If you have promised to date your boyfriend exclusively, then you need to make some choices. If you want to stay with your boyfriend, then stay true to your commitment to him. Tell your best friend, "My boyfriend and I aren't seeing other people outside our relationship. I want to stay friends with you, but I need you to understand that I can't date you." Then, make sure you aren't teasing him, and giving him hope that you will change your mind and date him. You probably shouldn't spend time alone with him for a while. If you decide you don't want to date your boyfriend exclusively, and you want to explore your feelings for your friend, then tell your boyfriend BEFORE you do anything with your friend. It's not going to be easy. You will be uncomfortable. But it's better to be uncomfortable and be honest then to be dishonest, let a huge drama blow up in everyone's faces and say "I couldn't help myself-- it just happened." Take responsibility for your own actions and be decent, honest and respectful of your boyfriend. Tell him, "I've decided I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship with one guy right now. I think we should date other people." He may say that's not OK with him. If he does, then you have to decide to either date him and him alone, or break up with him.
Dating and building relationships can be very messy and confusing. You can simplify things by making a rule for yourself that no matter what happens in your relationships, you are always going to be honest and trustworthy. Treat others with respect and dignity. Wouldn't you like the same thing in return?
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I know most answers are going to be to talk to the person.. but how am I supposed to know whether or not the guy I want to confront is gay or not? If you are gay.. please IM me lol Striker6909 I'll rate you a 3-5 if you answer this question well thanks! (link)
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It's hard to tell what you are asking. It seems like you are gay, and you want to ask a guy out, but you don't know if he is gay. Is that right?
If this is true, then are you "out" to anyone? Do you have any gay friends? Is there any place where you could meet other gay guys?
When you are first coming out, it can be very hard to meet other guys. Just randomly going up to some guy you think is cute and asking him out is pretty risky. Your chances of having a good experience are going to be a lot better if you find a way to meet guys you know are gay. Are you in high school? See if your school has a gay/straight alliance, or some kind of gay support group. If there is nothing at your school, check out a local gay and lesbian community center. They usually have social activities and support groups for teens. If these things don't exist where you live, try some online resources.
I'm guessing from your question that you are young and new to dating. Right now, friends are way more important than guys to "hook-up" with. Just make sure you take care of yourself, because there are creeps out there who will take advantage of you if you're not careful-- don't do anything you don't want to do.
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i rate high
well im going out with a great guy i love him to death he is awesome and every thing well my ex-still likes me and he is always telling me how pretty i look or that he likes me and he will always call. i dont know wat to do bc i still kinda like my ex but i love my bf but every day i think i start to like my ex more wat do i do?
from confused (link)
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Yeah, that does sound pretty confusing. You might want to start off by slowing down and taking a break from both guys, to figure out what you really want.
What do you mean when you say this guy is your boyfriend? In my mind, if he is your boyfriend, then you two are dating each other only. Is that what it means to you? Have you talked about this? Have you promised each other that you won't see other people?
If the answer is "yes", then, for crying out loud, stop talking to your ex! Tell him, "Hey, I have a boyfriend, and I don't see other guys, so I don't want you to call me anymore". If you can't say that to him, then you don't want to be in a committed relationship. That's totally OK, but be honest with your boyfriend about it. Tell him you're confused about dating, and you aren't ready to have a committed relationship with a boyfriend right now. Whatever you do, don't be a cheater. If you have promised to date your boyfriend ONLY, then don't cheat on him with the ex. Figuring out what you want is confusing, and it sounds like you are VERY confused. But being confused doesn't mean you get a free pass to cheat and lie. If you don't want to lose the attention and compliments from the ex, then break up with your boyfriend. He'll be hurt, yeah, but it hurts WAY more to have someone you care about lie to you and cheat on you.
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