18/f
I was sexually abused from when I was around 3 until I was around 9ish. And I have come across an interesting, and rather annoying problem:
I don't currently have a boyfriend but the last time i did, which was about 4 months ago, I told him and then anytime we did anything after that, sex or anything, he would ask if doing stuff with im reminded me of my abuse..so i ended up wishing that i hadn't told him. cause then it made it uncomfortable for me, because I wouldn't ever think about it until he said it.
in future relationships, should i tell my boyfriend? or will he react the same way?
Dear 18 yr old female,
Not all people act the same way, given the same information. Perhaps, be clear about what you expect him to do with the information. For example, try this: I'm tell you this because [give your reasons why], and hopefully [you will or won't do this or that] as a result of the information.
It takes real courage on your part and will probably shake up whomever is being given the information. Just realize he may need time to come to grips with what you're telling him, and he may need to talk about it with you, at least a little bit.
I'd also suggest that you call a "rape crisis center" in your area and talk with one of their counselors. The counselor will likely have additional suggestions, and there just might be an excellent book that talks about this very thing. Hey, it never hurts to have other resources available, right?
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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I used to be great friends with this guy John* who goes to a different school then me. (He goes to the Catholic school in our neighborhood, from which I have a lot of friends there.) Last year, me and him used to talk all the time. It was great. Plus, I really liked John* and I thought he had some feelings for me too. I was coming up with the courage to ask him out or anything, and then decided I was going to do it right when I came back from sleepaway camp, which was only a week long. I get back from sleepaway camp and find out that he's going out with this girl, who I know very well and I'm friends with. (Not anymore.) I was devastated! I still talked to him when they were together (about 5 months) but things were different. About 6 months ago I started talking to him, it wasn't the same but we still talked. Now, he has a girlfriend, and everytime I IM him he ignores me. Or, when he does answer it's just like one of those GAY conversations. I can't remember the last time I had a decent conversation with him, ITS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO START ONE! He knows I like him, but the thing is I'm really pathetic cause I barely know him anymore, and I don't talk to him anymore. =( PLEASE HELP! I rate 5's for good, QUICK answers.
Dear Hopeless,
When you meet someone who's on the same page as you, you'll know it! I know it's hard to let go of someone you really like, but remember John made absolutely no effort to continue your friendship once he started dating your friend. As difficult as this is, you might as well face it, he's not interested!
To that point, it's never worth selling yourself short for someone who's cute, popular, funny, or whatever; those qualities are meaningless unless he treats you with respect and values your feelings. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.
Hang in there because you will eventually meet someone who'll see you as the warm, caring person that you are! Until then, focus on developing those qualities that make you feel good about yourself.
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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Well I've been in a relationship for about 9 months now on-and-off. It's been amazing, but alot has happened. I love his family to death and they all love me, and I love my bf too. But he one dumped me for another girl, but two weeks later got me back. After that we swore to be honest with eacother. I felt that I couldn't trust him so we broke up again. I stayed single for about a month and a half after that, and no guy felt right. I love him and I knew it so I decided I should've stayed with him. So we got back together again. After a week of dating him again, he left to go to work out of state for Spring break, while I stayed here. I ended up partying alot and making out with another guy. I told the guy I didn't have a bf. Well when he got back he heard rumors that I had cheated on him, and I said they were all lies and denied all the accusations. In my mind, I felt like I was getting him back for what he put me through when he dumped me for the other girl.
Well then after three weeks of us being back together, we started fighting really bad, mostly because I felt really bad for cheating and was stressed because I couldn't tell him about it. Well he blew me off one day to go out of town with his friends. He told me they were out skating all night, but I knew he was lying. He kept ignoring my call, and when he finally did pick up I heard a girl in the background.
Well when he got back the next day he was acting all sweet to me. Then later this prank caller kept blowing up his phone, so finally I answered it and the caller said that my bf had cheated on me with her friend at a college party the night before. I asked her the girl's name and then told the girl to have her friend call me. Her friend did and explained that she had a bf and he told her he wasn't dating anyone at the time. He never drinks, but that night he got trashed (about 20 shots of Southern Comfort) and they ended up making out. He kept denying it when I asked him about it, and told me I could ask his friends.
His friends kept saying he was at the skate park over the speaker phone, because they knew he was listening, but then I called them when he wasn't around and they told me that they all went to a party and that he was just lying because he was drunk and doesn't want me to dump him over it. Well he came in the room while I was talking to them on the phone, and I put them on speaker phone asked them again where they went, and they told me agian that they went to a party. After I got off the phone, my bf started to cry hysterically and told me what happened. I started crying too and let him know how I had lied to him too. We decided to stay together and start over fresh, no lies, no more cheating, and no more shit behind eachother's backs.
Well my question is this:
Do you think it is worth staying together after we both cheated on eachother?
And if so, what can we both do to help eachother get over what we both did and focus on making this right again?
Dear Cheating Couple,
My, my, my...so much drama! It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do before you can seriously consider a committed relationship. Unless you are willing to stop ALL the game playing and begin being honest with yourselves, you don't stand a chance. Not only is your current relationship doomed but also any future relationships if you don't get honest with your selves.
Being in a committed relationship takes some emotional depth; some people aren't capable of this until they've matured a bit. In the meantime, perhaps you might both want to consider some personal growth work: a class, support group, or some kind of setting where you can explore who you are and what you're all about.
*What most people don't understand is the more we deeply we know ourselves the better able we are to connect with others. So, that being said, I hope you'll find a way to do the personal work necessary to get on the right track with yourself first and then each other.
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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Sorry, I wasn't exactly sure what category to put this under, it's kind of a mixture of love relationships & family ones.
(17/f) So anyways, I don't have a good relationship with my family. It's a tense, hostile situation, especially between my mom and I. I know this is characteristic of my age range, but the feeling of my family is that she has some mental issues that she needs to take care of, and that she's an extremely unreasonable person to work with. I'm graduating a year early and I'll be going to college in the fall. My mom doesn't know this yet, she's strongly opposed to me going until Spring which is out of the question, and the rest of my family agrees. I can't live in my household for another year after this. And this is where part of the problem comes in.
I've already talked to some people about the problems I've had with her, especially my boyfriend. He's very supportive, and I love him and trust him more than anyone. He's encouraged me to go and talk to my school's principal and director of pupil services to get some help with this, and it really has helped. But there have been some (note some, they're not frequent) abuse issues with my mom. I'm kind of reluctant to tell my boyfriend about those, because they're not huge and they're not frequent, and I don't want to have him worry too much. When these episodes occur they're upsetting, and my boyfriend has asked about the reasons for the upset, but I find that I haven't been able to tell him because I haven't found the words. Plus, I don't want any kid of authority to catch wind, because I still don't want a legal battle to ensue or to cause anything that will cut off ties with my family completely, especially since I'm leaving for college in six months.
So my questions are 1) How do I/should I tell my boyfriend about the abuse? 2)What should I do in regards to it?
Thanks, sorry it's so long.
Dear Abused,
Abuse is a difficult subject to bring up and there is no easy way to do this. Often those who are abused want to protect the very person who's abusing them; misplaced loyality gets in the way of either party receiving the help they need.
My guess is, if you are already talking to a school conunelor, he/she might already suspect that you've been abused. Often times there are tell tail signs that, if your counselor is aware of them, he/she will recognize that abuse has been occuring.
If this is not the case, I'd ask you to consider that your desire to tell your boyfriend is a sign that you want to stop living with secrets. No matter what, the effects of being abused will have long lasting consequences for you. It will show up and impact your intimate realtionhips; you will need to get help in order to overcome the damage done.
As for your mother, she absolutely needs help too which means at some point admitting what she's done to you. You and your mother have been hiding from the truth for far too long. Now is the time to come forward, tell the truth, and begin the healing process.
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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I've been with this guy for three and a half years. Things between us got pretty bad within the last year. We argued constantly. The thing about us is that we're very different. He believes in things that I dont believe in and vice versa. That never stopped us during the first two and a half years or so.. Honestly, I loved how he thought so differently from me even if it would cause arguments. However, I can't speak for him. He hated how I never agreed to his views. But I'm not going to say yes to everything he says just because I love him. I stick up for what I believe in as well. Well, I guess that is why we aren't together anymore..
We've been apart for two months now. We still talk to each other every day. He still tells me that he loves me. But sometimes he says to me that he doesn't think him and I will ever work out because we are so different but if we do go out again, it wouldn't be any time soon. Another thing is, after we broke up, he told my best guy friend who is also a friend of his that I'm the type of girl he wants to marry, that he wants to marry me. Uh.. if he doesn't like the person I am, my morals, my views on life, than why is he telling my friends that he still wants to be with me later and that he wants to marry me? I know he loves me, and the thing is, I know he wants to be with me. I know he can't ever stand the thought of me with another guy. He doesn't say it, but I know it. But honestly, I don't know if I'm holding on to something that will never ever work. It's like.. like I said earlier, I love the fact that we're different. That is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. But him on the other hand, he can't stand it.. I don't know..
Am I foolish for being in love with someone who is the total opposite of me? Am I stupid for still having hope in us? For still wanting to be with him?
Thank you in advance.. Any advice is appreciated.
We are both twenty, if that helps or anything..
Dear Opposites Attract,
Are you foolish for loving someone so different from you? No. It is never foolish to love those who've helped us learn something valuable about who we are. Like a great teacher, relationships point us in the direction of deeper life lessons.
In as much as you and your exbf still have feelings for each other, that's to be expected. You spent a good deal of time with each other and shared a lot. Endings are not easy, and before you can go onto a new beginning, just know that pondering all the "what ifs" is part of coming to terms with what has happened. In time, you will come to see more fully why your time together was important and how it helped you move more fully into life.
Remember, all of our relationships are teachers; we learn valuable lessons from each situation and carry that knowledge into the future.
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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Me and my boyfriend of two years just broke up. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel really depressed. And it feels impossible to get over him because we planned everything. Plus I have depression on top of that and he was truly the only best friend and soulmate I ever had. He was the one who broke it off because he's suddenly not ready for a relationship.
How do you get over someone for that long?
And I am homeschooled, so I can't keep very busy and I don't have too many friends to help me cope with this because I left my public school and won't be going back. I will rate, thanks.
Dear Impossible,
Yep, "don't know what to do anymore" just about says it! Listen, what you are going through is a "grieving process;" you are dealing with the death of what was and that hurts. The pain you feel WILL eventually diminish, and what you will go through to get to that point is unavoidable.
That lost feeling is sometimes referred to as the "dark night of the soul," and philosophers, poets, & songwriters have lamented and bemoaned this condition for eons. There's no hard and fast rule as to how long this middle "lost in the wilderness" stage will last, but just know that it's after the "ending" and before the "new beginning." In other words, it's a process which takes time.
Lick your wounds, dear one, and make use of whatever support you've got in your life at this time. If such suport isn't available, seek it out. It's very important that you do this; being supported emotionally WILL help. What about your parents, can you talk with them?
You mentioned you have "depression," so are you seeing a therapist? If so, make an appointment! If you attend church, how about someone there? Try googling a 12-Step group for folks who struggle with depresson called "Emotions Anonymous." There is probably a website with locations for teen meetings, or try googling "teen hotlines" and speak to an anonymous hotline counselor.
Listen, breakups are difficult for everyone; there's no getting around it, they hurt! The best way to deal with it is to GO THROUGH IT WITH SUPPORT. In the meantime, don't run away (drugs, alcohol, self-mutilation, random sex etc.) from the pain, but DO SEEK SUPPORT!
You will survive your broken heart, so hang in there! I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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....im with this guy and its great but there is one thing . when he tells me he is going to do things he does do them i mean i guess its just little things but it really bugs me. like when we are on the phone he tells me he has to feed his dog and he will be about 5 mins ...than he calls back around 3 hours later and says sorry.. or he says we are going to hang out today but than he says he cant and than says sorry. he tells me he is going to do things but never does and im getting tired of it..i guess its really the calling thing that bugs me the most but ...is this really anything to stress over or am i being alittle cranky?
Dear I Can't Believe Him,
Listen, I'd be cranky too if somebody was treating me that way! It's important to be able to trust each other, especially a bf or gf. If your bf can't follow through with what he says he's going to do, then it's about time you talk with him. After all, it's bothering you and therefore it's already affecting your relationship. LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, and hopefully being honest with him will help!
If this doesn't help, you might want to ponder why you are willing to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to keep his word. Keep it real; you deserve an honest relationship with somebody who'll be honest in return. The ball is in your court!
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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My husband and I have not had sex in a year. This is no doubt of monogamy. We both have health issues, but come on, in a year! He is 40 and I am 39. We have been married for 6 years. We never have had a good sex life and I just don't know what to do to get the fire going. We are affectionate as far as he rocks me in the recliner, kisses me (not romantically), we still hold hands. It seems we are more like loving room-mates and I want more. He is definately my soulmate. We were each others first for sex. We met in college but at the time he played football and that was his life. After 11 years of being apart we got back together. All my friends tell me it's a fairy tale, but I'm too embarrassed to tell them about my sex life, because they think we have everything. Please help.
Dear I Want More,
Yes, a year is a long time to go without sex. And, yes, health issues can kill the urge for some; might this be the case for your husband? Have you discussed this with him? If not, this might help. If you have and it has not helped, perhaps it's time to consider seeing someone professionally. Relationship counseling can be helpful, if you're both agreeable to the process.
For many, the role of sex in an intimate relationship is a complicated matter and it goes hand in hand with old baggage. Now, we all have baggage of some kind, even those with so called "perfect" relationships. (Which in reality don't exist.) Sometimes, as we change (emitionally, physically, etc.) it can affect our libido, and for many it's next to impossible to address without seeking assistance.
Your friends might not be the best choice for discussing the situation, but only you can say for sure. As you know, your relationship is worth the time and energy that it would take to make this interpersonal inquiry. Also, I'd like to suggest a book that might be helpful called: Listening to Midlife, by Mark Gerzon. It's still available on Amazon.com.
You deserve a healthy relationship in all ways: physically, emotionally, and sexually. I wish you well on your journey!
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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I'm 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 23 and we've been in a serious relationship for almost 6 years now! Unfortunately, i don't trust certain things about him! For Example, it seems like his head is elsewhere all the time. We live together, but he says he wants to be around me all the time. What is weird for me though, is that, he's coming home later than usual and leaving earlier then usual. But i can't see any signs of change other than that, besides are sex life, which we are currently changing, after i talked to him about that for 1 year and a half! I don't know what's happening to us, something seems wrong and i don't know what it is! We go clubbing every Saturday and all he does is sit there to stare at other women. I think he's no longer attracted, but he tells me he is. After 6 years we've went through every problem a million times. I'm not scared to talk to him about anything, so i always ask! He says one thing, but does the opposite of what he says, this leaves me so confused! HELP SAVOUR THE RELATIONSHIP!!! PLEASE!! (we have plans to get married and everything)
Dear Heeeelp,
People can say anything, but our actions speak volumns! It sounds like your guy is saying one thing and feeling something else.
Since taking about this doesn't seem to be helping, is there someone you could talk to together? Maybe a school counselor, or you could google a 24 hr hotline and speak with an anonymous hotline counselor.
It's rare that people would come together so young and be able to remain a couple for such a long time. Our teens and twenties are usually when people discover who they are and what they want in life. This especially includes making decisions about what does and does not work in intimate relationships. Given the fact that you've both skipped over that stage, it might be time to do that now, BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Listen, with each and every relationship we learn something very important about who we are. This is a good thing, and for most of us, it takes time.
I know this thought will probably make you very uncomfortable, but sometimes to grow we have to risk that which we value the most. Only then, are we able to clearly see and understand what we need to do! Hey, it's worth exploring via counseling, isn't it?
You are both worth the time and effort to try and figure out what the next step will be in your relationship. Do this NOW, as it will be much more difficult if you wait until after you are married.
I wish you well.
Earth Mother
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Hi! Well I always give advice on here, but I figured why not get some for a change! Anyway, so there is this guy that goes to my college, and lately it has been obvious that he likes me. I was never interested in him, but now that he has started showing interest, I find myself always reading his away messages, IMing and texting him, calling him on the weekends on hang out... basically all that stuff that people normally do when they like someone. He is a really cool guy and I like hanging out with him and being around him, but I don't want to fool myself into thinking that I like him if I don't! Basically, do you think that I have started to like him, or do you think I am just flirting with him because I like getting the attention from him? I can't tell the difference between the 2 in this situation, so I was just wondering what you all think!! Thanks! :)
Dear Do I Reallly Like Him,
It sounds like you need to have an honest heart to heart with yourself! After all, how will you know how you feel unless you get to know him better?
This belief that we either like or dislike someone without really knowing them is a judgement based on immediate attraction. Now, not that this is bad, but it is limited and lacking in emotional depth. Perhaps, by making contact with him you are giving yourself a chance to know him better and there is nothing wrong with that!
Why not bring up the subject and flat out tell him you're open to having him as a friend, and see where it goes from there. Be clear about your intentions, so that things don't get messy. Who knows, he might be a really great guy, but you'll never know that unless you get to know him better!
Either way, as a good friend or a bf, you deserve only the best!
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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ok so i REALLY love my boyfriend..but lately since i told him that his best friend rapped me..he started getting...controlling and like now whenever i say somthing hell scream and say BITCH SHUT UP...then hell say "oh im sorry baby" and everything is fine but he hit me a couple of times..i told my best friend and she told me to break up with him..but i LOVEE him! and..if i i do decide to break up with him..im scared hell like..kill me or somthingg!
plz help me.i dont know where else im going to get help!
~lila
Dear Lila,
You might be too young to know this, but everything you've mentioned about this relationship is part of a domestic violence (DV) pattern.
Although you are young, you are not too young to start learning about DV. It is a major problem in relationships with more people (teens and adults) than you'd ever imagine!
You might want to google "domestic voilence" or "battered women shelters" to find out where in your area you can speak with someone about this. These kinds of problems NEVER get better, unless the person involved gets help!
For whatever reason you are attracted to someone who'll use physical violence with you, please know that you are not alone. Also know that it will only get worse as you get older unless you reach out and GET HELP NOW, while you are young!
There might be a DV class or group you can get involved in to learn more about this. The DV shelter in your area will know of such resources and be able to assist you with rape counseling.
Please, reach out and find the help you need before it's too late. You deserve someone who'll treat you with respect, which means NEVER EVER using physical violence FOR ANY REASON!
I wish you well.
Take Care,
Earth Mother
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OK me and my bf were going great when we first started going out, and i mean it was like perfect, then he started acting like really different and its starting to bother me becasue he is acting like hes not interested in me or that i like dont matter anymore, i like need to know if i should break up with him, ask him wuts going on(i already did and i got a shitty asnwer)or like just live with it. i mean i really like him i just dont know wut to do.
Dear Don't Know What To Do,
It's great that you really like your bf, but if you don't like yourself too, it's all for naught! For whatever reason he's now acting differently toward you, might this be something you should pay attention to? Perhaps he needs some distance, or feels that things have moved along too quickly; whatever the reason, you won't know unless you ask him what's going on. As for his "shitty answers," this may be his way of telling you he's not ready for anything serious. Do you really want to be with someone who can't (or won't) discuss something you're concerned about?
As for things being "perfect" in the begining, well that's called the "honeymoon period." For most new romances, the beginning (6 to 18 months) is usually pretty problem free, and only after the relationship gets past this begining stage will you get to the nitty gritty of your relationship.
*Listen, all issues and problems are real opportunities for you and your bf to learn something about your selves and each other...yes, even if that means that one or the other is not ready for a serious relationship! So, how you go forward is important. If you start to cling or feel desperate, it's a sign that you have some issues you need to work on before you get too serious with anyone.
It's unfortunate that most people don't understand that until you really understand yourself, you won't be ready to venture forward into a serious relationship. TV, movies, videos, etc. all make it seem so simple and care free, but relationships are work too. MOSTLY, relationships are about discovering who you are, which most people don't understand.
I wish you well. Don't settle for less than you deserve. No bf, no matter how cute, great, or whatever is worth selling yourself short.
Best Wishes,
Earth Mother
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