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Heeeeeeeeelp!
I'm 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 23 and we've been in a serious relationship for almost 6 years now! Unfortunately, i don't trust certain things about him! For Example, it seems like his head is elsewhere all the time. We live together, but he says he wants to be around me all the time. What is weird for me though, is that, he's coming home later than usual and leaving earlier then usual. But i can't see any signs of change other than that, besides are sex life, which we are currently changing, after i talked to him about that for 1 year and a half! I don't know what's happening to us, something seems wrong and i don't know what it is! We go clubbing every Saturday and all he does is sit there to stare at other women. I think he's no longer attracted, but he tells me he is. After 6 years we've went through every problem a million times. I'm not scared to talk to him about anything, so i always ask! He says one thing, but does the opposite of what he says, this leaves me so confused! HELP SAVOUR THE RELATIONSHIP!!! PLEASE!! (we have plans to get married and everything)
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Dear Heeeelp,
People can say anything, but our actions speak volumns! It sounds like your guy is saying one thing and feeling something else.
Since taking about this doesn't seem to be helping, is there someone you could talk to together? Maybe a school counselor, or you could google a 24 hr hotline and speak with an anonymous hotline counselor.
It's rare that people would come together so young and be able to remain a couple for such a long time. Our teens and twenties are usually when people discover who they are and what they want in life. This especially includes making decisions about what does and does not work in intimate relationships. Given the fact that you've both skipped over that stage, it might be time to do that now, BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Listen, with each and every relationship we learn something very important about who we are. This is a good thing, and for most of us, it takes time.
I know this thought will probably make you very uncomfortable, but sometimes to grow we have to risk that which we value the most. Only then, are we able to clearly see and understand what we need to do! Hey, it's worth exploring via counseling, isn't it?
You are both worth the time and effort to try and figure out what the next step will be in your relationship. Do this NOW, as it will be much more difficult if you wait until after you are married.
I wish you well.
Earth Mother
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You are obviously desperate to save the relationship and extremely worried, however, please do not let this show to him as he will become less and less attracted to desperateness, weakness, or neediness. Also, by your saying that he leaves earlier and comes home later, you are implying that you are sitting at home watching him go and waiting for him to come home. Girl, you've been with him 6 years and he's starting to take advantage of the fact that he always expects you to be there for him and is also possibly getting a little bored. In order to make him appreciate you more, you need to leave before him, come home after him, and develop a new interest with new friends ( i.e. photography, kitesurfing, bookclubs). He will be again interested in you and will miss you when you're gone. Also, if you really feel like he is getting distant and possibly cheating on you, it is time for you to pull away- go on a week's girl's only vacation or even move out by telling him you still want to be with him but you feel that you are not sure that he respects and appreciates you and you're not going to be waiting around for someone who isn't giving his all. Then wait- guys hate it when we back off or seem to be losing interest in them and then they want us more!
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Some guys if they are going to ask a serious question like will you marry me they kind of act weird. They will leave early because they are afraid they might blurt it out and so he stays out longer to think about what the perfect moment would be. When you go clubbing and notices other women he probably thinking that what i am doing is worth it. He look like he is scoping out other women but he is probably just finding a reason why you are better. I knwo that smetimes it may seem like you cant trust them about cerain issues but i think that you dont have anything to worry about.
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Your man is extremely confused. He's been dating you for 6 years. 6 years being tied down. He might be looking around the club to see what he's missed, but if he was a better man he wouldn't care and would spend all his time with you. After 6 years things obviously won't be as cool as they were before, because its all "been there, done that" stuff. you yourself even say you've been through every problem a million times. Were most of them solved? If they were, most likely you wouldnt be here talking about your problem. Did he used to dance at clubs with you? Or did he sit and stare at other women like he does now? I don't think this relationship is ready for marraige even, because most relationships shouldn't be this way before they get married. Sadly, he might be cheating too. Think about it, he's definetly not as attracted as he used to be, he leaves early and comes back late while still wanting to spend time with you, he looks at other women in the club, his sex life has changed...some other women might be showing him things, and he does the opposite of what he says. Marraige at this time would end abruptly and painfully if he doesnt change his ways. To get him to, you must talk to him about everything you've posted here about him. Buy some relationship books, or get some counceling. If all fails, get his family into it. Family can usually straighten each other out better than a girlfriend can. Blood is thicker than water. Last resort is an ultimatum. If he can't shape up after all that, you deserve better than him, and you cant waste another year on this man unless he does something BIG, and I mean big. I have no clue what that would be, so I suggest after all that you should lose him. I hope all goes well.
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The newness certainly fades after 6 yrs together and especially after meeting so young. You're still young and maybe he is feeling he's missed out on dating other girls etc. Guys will always tell you what they think you want to hear, just to avoid an argument or discussion. Maybe he does want to flirt around, but doesn't want to lose you or have you do the same, which isn't fair. It may seem silly but if you are really committed to eachother and wanting to be married, you should consider going to a counselor. I know you said you can talk about anything but you would be amazed at how much more communication they can help with. Best wishes!
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I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's no easy answer for a relationship problem like this. What you've described does sound worrying, though. So the smart thing to do would be to see a couples counselor.
You may only need a few sessions, or more than a few; I don't know. But a counselor should be able to help you both communicate with each other better. That's the key to a successful relationship, of course, and it sounds like a lack of successful communication is your basic problem with him now.
So don't wait; see a counselor. And if for some reason things don't work out, remember that there are a lot of other people out there. I notice that you've been with him since you were 14 or 15, and that's an awfully young age to be dating the person you marry. That doesn't mean that it can't WORK, but it does sometimes mean that your relationship gets stuck in a juvenile pattern.
So talk to your doctor about getting a referral to a couples counselor soon. If you'd rather, you may be able to call your health insurer (if you have one) directly for a referral. Or of course you can simply look for counselors in the phone book.
It may be a bit expensive, but it's an investment in your future happiness - and that's the best investment anyone could make.
Good luck!
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