about

I sometimes take long breaks from the site. I'm more than happy to answer anyone's questions, but just make sure they're not too time sensitive. :)

Facts about me:
*happy
*employed
*married
*large extended family
*bisexual
*advanced college degree
*no kids (yet)

advice

So... I have been having this issue going on for some time now. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years and my mom has not liked him for a while. I first thought that it was a phase. Then, I thought she would grow to like him eventually. But, now it is worse than ever. He was away for a few months for something that he needed to do for school. Those months were pure bliss with my mom. I finally remembered what it was like to love my mom again because we weren't butting heads. We were just friends. I'm 23, by the way. I live with my mom and grandparents at the time because I cannot afford to move out. I live in an expensive city and I'm a teacher, so I don't make very much money. I had a plan to move out, etc. when I had some more money just so that I could have peace of mind. But, it's not happening right now... at least for another couple of months. This summer, like I said, my mom and I re-kindled our relationship.

Upon his return, it was like everything I ever saw in him was different. Things that I took as a joke now seemed serious and rude. For instance, today, I was running late or wanted to slightly change our plans and he told me that my mother was a psycho liar and that I should never believe anything she says. PS, he doesn't know how she feels about him. He was just saying so because she was part of the reason I had to change the plans. Then, I told him that we have all had to sacrifice our plans at one point and I gave him the example about how we both left town on my birthday (to the same place) and didn't see each other because he was with his family and I was with mine. He could have chosen to come with me and I could have chosen to go with his family. But, it was my birthday and I wanted to spend it with my family. I was just using it as an example. I wasn't implying anything about it. This was months ago! And he said that it was my fault that he didn't see me because I decided to go with my family. We were in the same city! He could have certainly made an effort to take a cab or even send some flowers to my hotel... i don't know. I'm not saying something huge. Just an effort to know he was thinking of me. I've excused his behavior since I've met him. Now, I look back and see that it wasn't so nice of a thing to do. And before summer, I would have excused this too and say "he's just frustrated." Now I see how quickly his anger escalates and I don't like it.

There have been other situations that have happened in the past. Like, how he got angry at me because I didn't have cash to pay for parking when he had a wallet full of cash. If we've had a difference in political views, he turns bright red in anger and has pushed me away. One time, he was fighting with someone over politics and I thought they were just talking until I walked through the middle to throw something away. They were at a reasonable distance away from each other so it wasn't like I was cutting through them. He got angry both at me and the other person, but grabbed me and bent my thumb to my wrist. It was throbbing till the next day. I have excused it all. It was like I was under some weird spell. And now, I see how wrong it is.

So, this question is going to be broken down into a few pieces. First of all... I wouldn't even know HOW to end it. I feel like I still care. It's not like I'm a ball of fury. It's just that I think that I deserve to be happy. I want to feel loved. And I have felt loved before, so I know the difference. I don't always want to feel scared that I've offended him. And I can only see this getting worse. Imagine... bending thumbs now... how about when we are married? How about by the time we hit a 20 year anniversary? Do you really think it's going to get better? But, it's just hard. It's like I'm not ready... even though I know this is necessary. How can I get over this? What do I do?

Secondly, I have some issues with my mom that need to be addressed too. She turns into a PSYCHO when he's around. When he's not, she's my best friend. When she's around, she wants to throw me out of the house and tells me that she hopes I know that if I'm with him, she will never be a part of my life and she won't want to meet her grandkids. As much as I love my mom, this is unacceptable behavior from a parent. She is in no way providing a safe environment for me to come to her with real issues that a mother is to help her daughter with. Instead, I feel fear. Then, I burst into anger because I get angry at the fact that at 23, I need to live in fear. And then I feel even angrier because if it weren't for financial issues, I would be able to move out. So, it turns into a whole circle.

I don't want to be deciding this for my mom. I just wish someone can extend a hand and just say: "I think this is what you should do." An objective person. Someone who is not in this situation at all. I am crying out for help. Please answer!

I think that a big part of the issue is that you've defended your boyfriend to your mother for so long that it's almost something that has to work out. Now that it isn't working, you feel as if ending it will be giving in to your mom's inappropriate reaction to him, even though it really wouldn't be. You know you're going to get a lot of "I told you so's" and she's going to be happy when you are heartbroken.

The thing is, you have to take your mom out of this entirely. Separate from your mom, the relationship isn't going well on its own. If you choose to stay in the relationship, it would be more because of your mom than choosing to get out of it. An overcorrection of sorts. Because you don't want your mom to have an influence on your decision so badly, she actually will and you'll stay in a relationship that you probably would have otherwise ended if she hadn't been so against it. It's weird when you switch your logic around, isn't it?

Don't stay with this guy because of how you remember him. How you remember him isn't how he is. Even looking back, you're seeing things now that you failed to see before. There were good times and he's a good guy, but it doesn't seem like you're compatible with him long-term. If things are bugging you now, yes, they will big you more later on. A breakup will hurt more later on, too.

The last thing I want to address is your lack of openness. Why didn't you talk about how your mom feels about him? What makes you think that he doesn't know? Maybe he does. People are more perceptive than you think. If you had talked about it, things could've gotten better. Tactful open communication is important in any relationship. Don't tell him about it now because you may be ending things with him soon so there's no point to make him feel worse for no reason. But, it's something that he should have been aware of and that you should consider in any future relationships.

People break up all the time. There doesn't have to be a major betrayal or catastrophic falling out. If more people were honest and were more concerned about avoiding mistakes than about preserving each others feelings, don't you think there would be fewer divorces? Don't let this get worse over time. It will. End the relationship before it gets bad. It will be hard, but for every day that you wait, it gets harder. It seems like he's ready for it to end too, doesn't it? Good luck.

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(Rating: 5) Thank you for reading and for answering. Your answer is very true and I really appreciate it!
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