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Mom + Boyfriend= Clash A LITTLE LONG
So... I have been having this issue going on for some time now. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years and my mom has not liked him for a while. I first thought that it was a phase. Then, I thought she would grow to like him eventually. But, now it is worse than ever. He was away for a few months for something that he needed to do for school. Those months were pure bliss with my mom. I finally remembered what it was like to love my mom again because we weren't butting heads. We were just friends. I'm 23, by the way. I live with my mom and grandparents at the time because I cannot afford to move out. I live in an expensive city and I'm a teacher, so I don't make very much money. I had a plan to move out, etc. when I had some more money just so that I could have peace of mind. But, it's not happening right now... at least for another couple of months. This summer, like I said, my mom and I re-kindled our relationship.
Upon his return, it was like everything I ever saw in him was different. Things that I took as a joke now seemed serious and rude. For instance, today, I was running late or wanted to slightly change our plans and he told me that my mother was a psycho liar and that I should never believe anything she says. PS, he doesn't know how she feels about him. He was just saying so because she was part of the reason I had to change the plans. Then, I told him that we have all had to sacrifice our plans at one point and I gave him the example about how we both left town on my birthday (to the same place) and didn't see each other because he was with his family and I was with mine. He could have chosen to come with me and I could have chosen to go with his family. But, it was my birthday and I wanted to spend it with my family. I was just using it as an example. I wasn't implying anything about it. This was months ago! And he said that it was my fault that he didn't see me because I decided to go with my family. We were in the same city! He could have certainly made an effort to take a cab or even send some flowers to my hotel... i don't know. I'm not saying something huge. Just an effort to know he was thinking of me. I've excused his behavior since I've met him. Now, I look back and see that it wasn't so nice of a thing to do. And before summer, I would have excused this too and say "he's just frustrated." Now I see how quickly his anger escalates and I don't like it.
There have been other situations that have happened in the past. Like, how he got angry at me because I didn't have cash to pay for parking when he had a wallet full of cash. If we've had a difference in political views, he turns bright red in anger and has pushed me away. One time, he was fighting with someone over politics and I thought they were just talking until I walked through the middle to throw something away. They were at a reasonable distance away from each other so it wasn't like I was cutting through them. He got angry both at me and the other person, but grabbed me and bent my thumb to my wrist. It was throbbing till the next day. I have excused it all. It was like I was under some weird spell. And now, I see how wrong it is.
So, this question is going to be broken down into a few pieces. First of all... I wouldn't even know HOW to end it. I feel like I still care. It's not like I'm a ball of fury. It's just that I think that I deserve to be happy. I want to feel loved. And I have felt loved before, so I know the difference. I don't always want to feel scared that I've offended him. And I can only see this getting worse. Imagine... bending thumbs now... how about when we are married? How about by the time we hit a 20 year anniversary? Do you really think it's going to get better? But, it's just hard. It's like I'm not ready... even though I know this is necessary. How can I get over this? What do I do?
Secondly, I have some issues with my mom that need to be addressed too. She turns into a PSYCHO when he's around. When he's not, she's my best friend. When she's around, she wants to throw me out of the house and tells me that she hopes I know that if I'm with him, she will never be a part of my life and she won't want to meet her grandkids. As much as I love my mom, this is unacceptable behavior from a parent. She is in no way providing a safe environment for me to come to her with real issues that a mother is to help her daughter with. Instead, I feel fear. Then, I burst into anger because I get angry at the fact that at 23, I need to live in fear. And then I feel even angrier because if it weren't for financial issues, I would be able to move out. So, it turns into a whole circle.
I don't want to be deciding this for my mom. I just wish someone can extend a hand and just say: "I think this is what you should do." An objective person. Someone who is not in this situation at all. I am crying out for help. Please answer!
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Well, you should break up with him simple. The way things are he isn't on the same wavelength as you and things he is doing and the way he is acting is wrong and he isn't willing to change them. He wants someone who will put up with the stuff you hate and you want someone who will take the time and effort to do the things that he won't so if I were you I would break up with him it wil
L hurt but you will get over it but that's not what you want to hear so give him an ultimatum last chance he changes or your gone. If he says to go do it! Have your pride and as for your mother she's being horrible and she needs to be told that your 23 and you need to learn and make mistakes even where boys are concerned on your own. Really just persevere until you move out because your 23 and you need to have your own house life and make your own decisions. Hope I could help.
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It may well be that even though you love each other, you aren't soulmates. If that is the case, now might be a good time to say goodbye and find someone who is better suited to you. I personally think this might be the best idea, judging from what you have written.
But, if you do not want to break up, the other option is to get him some professional help with his anger issues. Could it get better? Of course it could. People change for the better all of the time if they put their minds to it. It could also get worse, though if he refuses to make any effort to change. You need to talk about this with him.
As for your mother, your relationship is not her business. I suggest you tell her to mind her own business and stop being overdramatic.
Most important of all, I think you need to spend time taking care of yourself. Have a bubble bath or eat some nice chocolate. Treat yourself a bit. You deserve it after all you have been going through.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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I think that a big part of the issue is that you've defended your boyfriend to your mother for so long that it's almost something that has to work out. Now that it isn't working, you feel as if ending it will be giving in to your mom's inappropriate reaction to him, even though it really wouldn't be. You know you're going to get a lot of "I told you so's" and she's going to be happy when you are heartbroken.
The thing is, you have to take your mom out of this entirely. Separate from your mom, the relationship isn't going well on its own. If you choose to stay in the relationship, it would be more because of your mom than choosing to get out of it. An overcorrection of sorts. Because you don't want your mom to have an influence on your decision so badly, she actually will and you'll stay in a relationship that you probably would have otherwise ended if she hadn't been so against it. It's weird when you switch your logic around, isn't it?
Don't stay with this guy because of how you remember him. How you remember him isn't how he is. Even looking back, you're seeing things now that you failed to see before. There were good times and he's a good guy, but it doesn't seem like you're compatible with him long-term. If things are bugging you now, yes, they will big you more later on. A breakup will hurt more later on, too.
The last thing I want to address is your lack of openness. Why didn't you talk about how your mom feels about him? What makes you think that he doesn't know? Maybe he does. People are more perceptive than you think. If you had talked about it, things could've gotten better. Tactful open communication is important in any relationship. Don't tell him about it now because you may be ending things with him soon so there's no point to make him feel worse for no reason. But, it's something that he should have been aware of and that you should consider in any future relationships.
People break up all the time. There doesn't have to be a major betrayal or catastrophic falling out. If more people were honest and were more concerned about avoiding mistakes than about preserving each others feelings, don't you think there would be fewer divorces? Don't let this get worse over time. It will. End the relationship before it gets bad. It will be hard, but for every day that you wait, it gets harder. It seems like he's ready for it to end too, doesn't it? Good luck.
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You express yourself well and from what you say, I pick up that you are intelligent, mature and good at picking up on things.
With the boyfriend, here's most likely why you see things different now.
With anything new that comes into our lives, there is a certain excitement and feeling that comes with it, this is not what the normal feelings will be once the newness excitement wears off. It always will and what you are left with is what the real situation is. Think of kids with the much desired toy they got at Christmas, eventually the toys exciting qualities wore off and it was discarded or ignored. It happens in relationships. The break helped too, so you finally were able to see things as they really are. You have feelings which we all do to some extent when we really try to become a couple, date and get close to someone. The only way a human can really do that is by making sure there is no wall around their heart. So in effect, you make yourself emotionally available and vulnerable. Because each situation can go very well or become very hurtful..
One thing you need to make sure is that you are not settling for less, no matter what emotional feelings still connect you to him. Feelings come from and are stored in our subconscious mind and the sub is not as quick as the conscious mind to readjust to changes that happen or need to be made such as a break up and that is why we find it hard to do so. If you can understand that this is a normal part of breaking up and understand why you are breaking up, for a good solid reason, not just for frivolous ideals that really dont exist, then you will eventually find your sub. mind adjusting over time to the loss and when better ventures come along realize you aren't actually missing anything.
As for looking ahead how you will feel in 20 years, that is a smart thing to do. It was the catapult that got me to leave a 30 yr abusive marriage. I had him finally seeing a pychologist and the man told me that improvement if any will be very slow for the husband, in fact, many never do get better in their lifetime. I had a decision to make and thinking could I go through another 20 years of pretty much the same as I had so far, I could not do. Its easily to trick ourselves into making it through by focusing on one day at a time, able to handle another week, maybe another year like that, but many years...no.
As for your mom, has she acted unsupportive of your past dating partners? Or was she 'pyscho' as you call it? You dont have to answer me, I just want you to focus on the answer. If it's a pattern, it could be she is subconsciously taking an action she may not be aware of, in order to prevent you from leaving her and starting a home and family of your own someday. And you are of the age range when many young women do exactly that. If she acted like this only toward the current boyfriend, it could be she either saw this one as a more serious relationship than the others, or that she truly saw the undesireable qualities he has very clearly.
If she did see him as undesirable, there are several better ways she could have conveyed that to you, although hard as long as you were in the new excite energy phase of the relationship. But from what you describe, mom went about this by giving ultimatums, and acting immature, basically like a child throwing tantrums. Its just a more sophisticated type of tantrum than the crys and flying fists of a child, but tantrum all the same...meant for getting her way. Or in this case, to get you to see things her way. At her age, if she still deals with life immaturely in her responses, she's unlikely to change for the rest of her life. Its possible but it won't happen from you pointing it out. Desire to change has to come from within. She uses ultimatums to get her way, but I'll bet after some time, if you ignored her ultimatums lets say over some future nice guy, and you married him, she would find she is not willing to stick with her ultimatums because its a lonely place, and if she truly loves you as her daughter, the love and loneliness will win out and she will wish to come visit and see her grandchildren. Make sure the door is always open to Mom as long as she treats you, hubby and kids well, no negative stuff.
Living in an expensive city is never going to change your ability to move out. Finding a guy to marry and having 2 incomes might make it so you can squeak by but then you're a slave to the job and wont be able to stay home with any child that comes along and yet possibly not be able to afford childcare either.
You do need to look at what possibilities there are for finding jobs somewhere else in the state, or country where the cost of living is much more manage able. Sometimes, where you move to is going to be dictated by having someone you can initially stay with. If you have any relatives who live in a better economic climate or friends, cousins on their own...it is worth a try. But you want to secure that place to go first, then start looking for work and trying to secure a teaching job in the other location before leaving your current job and city, that way you can pay a little to whomever gives you a place to stay while saving up for your own place. But it's not going to be do-able in your city.
If there's any other questions I can help with or clarify anything, let me know.
But if I were you, I'd let this guy go, cus he doesnt sound too ideal. If you'd like my instructions on how to understand the purpose of dating and how to narrow down looking for the right guy, let me know cus it would make this long response even longer to post here right now.
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For me or any of us to tell you what to do or make this decision for you is wrong. We can offer advice based on what you have written though in the end the decision has to be yours alone.
Lets tackle living with mom and your grandparents first as this is the easiest to help with.
It is understandable that finding a place of your own in todays economy based on entry level salaries is almost impossible. You are not alone in with this problem. The suggestion I have for you is one I have made to countless others who have written us.
Have you ever thought of sharing an apartment with one or two roommates. There are agencies that specialize in finding roommates who are compatible to share apartment. There is also the possibility of renting a room someplace. Your local daily and weekly newspaper should have a column dedicated to rooms available in the classified section. For the agencies to help find a roommate(s)look on the web.
Now for mom and the BF. There are times that others see things that you and I may be blinded to for one reason or another. It is quite possible that what you are now seeing in your boyfriend is something your mom saw or felt when she met him. We all have our intuitions and a mothers intuitions can be very strong.
From what you have written about your boyfriend since he returned from his trip and other things in the past. I would not recommend continuing this relationship. He appears to be an abuser and controller. This is not the type of person that makes for a happy marriage.
Those that are controllers are people who either have a character fault or who suffer from some type of depression. People with depression that attempt to control usually do so because everything in their life needs to be in its proper place in order for them to perform daily activities. This does not sound like your boyfriend, at least not by what you have written. This leaves only a character fault for the reason for his controlling behavior.
Character faults can be treated but never cured. It would take a great deal of work with a psychologist to first understand the problem. Then he would have to work daily to control the problem. Before any of this can happen he would have to admit he has a problem.
Depression on the other hand is both curable and controllable. Once again because of the type illness a person first has to understand he or she is ill and then has to ask for help before the cure can happen.
I don't think this is the right man for you. There are better men out their. A man who will honor you for what you have already obtained in life through hard work and support you in your efforts to obtain your goals. When you find this man the present problems with your mother will also disappear for she will also approve of him.
I do believe your present priority should be to find a place to live on your own. You're an adult now a teacher and you need your privacy in order to continue to grow and obtain your goals. If this means renting a room someplace or having a roommate then you should give this a great deal of consideration.
As to how to tell him you don't want to see him any more. Use his trip as an excuse. Tell him the time apart has caused you to grow apart from him and you would prefer he no longer call you. Simple and direct.
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