Erinn_the_bamf's advice column

I don't feel physically attraced to my boyfriend anymore. But I do love him very much. I connect with him on an emotional level. He's like my best friend, I'm really happy to be around him, he generally makes me very happy and I also get butterflies when I see him. I don't want to leave him, because I love him!
I never thought that he was the hottest guy in the world but he does have things that I like. (longish hair, he has a nice face.)
The problem is that he doesn't take care of himself that much. He often has dirty fingernails and I don't like him touching me with them. He also has horribe acne on his back. (which I know isn't his fault but instead of doing something about it, he keeps scratching)So whenever he takes his shirt off, I get a little grossed out just because it looks really horrible sometimes. He doesn't shave very often and whenever he kisses me it hurts because of his beard. And he also doesn't brush his teeth every day which also makes me not want to kiss him. His feet often smell, his mouth gets dirty after he eats etc. He's also extremely skinny, which makes me feel kind of .. fat. Like I am able to crush him any time if I'm not careful. (Which also obviously doesn't turn me on.) I never want sex, I dread it. I also don't want to kiss him and cuddling hurts because he's so skinny. He also seems very needy at times. Like I seriously feel like his mom sometimes. If he doesn't have a stomachache, he has a headache, if he doesn't have that, then it's something else bothering him. I do like taking care of him but not all the time. I've tried talking to him about it before but I'm not sure if he understood how much this is affecting our relationship. I do think that I can be attracted to him again, if we work on these things. But how can I tell him properly without hurting his feelings too much?

Because I have a paid account, I can see that you are currently 18 years old. In the future, it might be useful for you to include this in your question for readers to gauge where you are in your life so they may better respond to your question. At your age, it's pretty unlikely that you're ready to settle down, so my answer will be geared to someone who may realistically leave this guy.

While you feel that you still want to be with him, you may find that you love him but aren't "in love" with him. Think back to the beginning of your relationship: did he have all these qualities you listed then? If so, then at the time your feelings of intimacy probably helped you overlook his less-than-favorable hygiene quirks. If this is the case, re-evaluate where this relationship is going. Do you want to be in this for the long haul? Are you going to be leaving home for college or work soon, which would put an even greater strain on the relationship? These are all questions to ask yourself.

If these habits have developed over the course of the relationship, the only thing you really can do is reiterate to him how damaging this is to the relationship in a careful manner. Telling someone they are no longer attractive to you is inevitably damaging, and if not phrased properly can ultimately ruin the relationship. The best way to approach this is with "I feel" statements. For example, you could say "I feel like when you don't put effort into seducing me, I'm not worthy of being seduced." That takes the onus off of him a bit, while forcing him to rethink his behavior.

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(Rating: 4) I am not 18 anymore, I forgot to change my age. I've been with him for almost 28 months so it is a serious relationship. He used to take more care of himself, so this changed over time. But thanks anyways, I'll try talking to him about it. :)

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