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I don't feel physically attracted to my boyfriend.
I don't feel physically attraced to my boyfriend anymore. But I do love him very much. I connect with him on an emotional level. He's like my best friend, I'm really happy to be around him, he generally makes me very happy and I also get butterflies when I see him. I don't want to leave him, because I love him!
I never thought that he was the hottest guy in the world but he does have things that I like. (longish hair, he has a nice face.)
The problem is that he doesn't take care of himself that much. He often has dirty fingernails and I don't like him touching me with them. He also has horribe acne on his back. (which I know isn't his fault but instead of doing something about it, he keeps scratching)So whenever he takes his shirt off, I get a little grossed out just because it looks really horrible sometimes. He doesn't shave very often and whenever he kisses me it hurts because of his beard. And he also doesn't brush his teeth every day which also makes me not want to kiss him. His feet often smell, his mouth gets dirty after he eats etc. He's also extremely skinny, which makes me feel kind of .. fat. Like I am able to crush him any time if I'm not careful. (Which also obviously doesn't turn me on.) I never want sex, I dread it. I also don't want to kiss him and cuddling hurts because he's so skinny. He also seems very needy at times. Like I seriously feel like his mom sometimes. If he doesn't have a stomachache, he has a headache, if he doesn't have that, then it's something else bothering him. I do like taking care of him but not all the time. I've tried talking to him about it before but I'm not sure if he understood how much this is affecting our relationship. I do think that I can be attracted to him again, if we work on these things. But how can I tell him properly without hurting his feelings too much?
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Because I have a paid account, I can see that you are currently 18 years old. In the future, it might be useful for you to include this in your question for readers to gauge where you are in your life so they may better respond to your question. At your age, it's pretty unlikely that you're ready to settle down, so my answer will be geared to someone who may realistically leave this guy.
While you feel that you still want to be with him, you may find that you love him but aren't "in love" with him. Think back to the beginning of your relationship: did he have all these qualities you listed then? If so, then at the time your feelings of intimacy probably helped you overlook his less-than-favorable hygiene quirks. If this is the case, re-evaluate where this relationship is going. Do you want to be in this for the long haul? Are you going to be leaving home for college or work soon, which would put an even greater strain on the relationship? These are all questions to ask yourself.
If these habits have developed over the course of the relationship, the only thing you really can do is reiterate to him how damaging this is to the relationship in a careful manner. Telling someone they are no longer attractive to you is inevitably damaging, and if not phrased properly can ultimately ruin the relationship. The best way to approach this is with "I feel" statements. For example, you could say "I feel like when you don't put effort into seducing me, I'm not worthy of being seduced." That takes the onus off of him a bit, while forcing him to rethink his behavior.
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He probably really does have a stomach ache and headache all the time from not taking care of himself. There's a concept in behavioral research called the "keystone habit," where once you see yourself as a person who does x (insert responsible self-respecting habit) you can see yourself as a responsible, self-respecting person and other good habits fall into place. If you want to salvage the relationship, I would start with brushing the teeth. If you don't live together, make sure there's an extra toothbrush wherever you meet, say you want to brush your own teeth so your breath doesn't smell, put the paste on the brush he'll use, too, and brush your teeth together. I know you don't want to mother him, the idea is that once he associates the brushed teeth with the make out habit he will start caring about hygiene and take over from there.
Tell him how fragile the vag flora (totally true) is and that you don't want to introduce foreign bacteria in your hoo-ha and have him cut his fingernails and wash his hands. This habit is only one you'd have to bring up every two weeks most likely and he may start picking up that he wants to take care of his hands because they're touching you.
Shower together and bring acne-fighting soap; you have no idea how powerful this can be as both a habit you want to instill and a reward in itself. I was the one who didn't shower enough in our relationship because I was a bit of a hippie, and my husband got a nice loofa and soap and used it on me in foreplay and then I wanted to shower more to have that smell and pleasant memory.
You might just ask him to plan a special dress-up date to get him to groom himself and make a big deal about how handsome it makes him look.
It's also always great to do physical activities for dates so his body can work those muscles a little bit and you'll both be healthier: going on walks or biking or dancing, whatever. He sounds like a nice guy, and it doesn't sound like it would take much to get you in a good place together. All these habits can be learned, and working on them together will prevent hurt feelings and could go a long way to rekindling the romantic feelings for you also.
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