I work as a Customer Laison Complaints Case Officer at a major insurance company, where I have worked for 3 years. I left school when I was 17, as I had some very bad experiences at school and wanted to see what the real world had to offer.
I now live with my boyfriend of 3 years and spend my spare time reading, writing, socialising with friends or just watching some TV.
Times are still hard and I'm trying to cope with various health problems on a daily basis but I'm working my way through things and really want to stop it from getting me down.
I dream of some day going to America and watching a real baseball game (we don't have that at all in the UK) and perhaps finding a job I find creatively fulfilling. Until then, I'm happy trying to be me and making the best of what I have.
Website: My Space
Gender: Female
Location: Dorset, UK
Occupation: Customer Liaison Case Officer
Age: 21
MSN: hottchickie@hotmail.com
Member Since: January 28, 2006
Answers: 1016
Last Update: March 5, 2009
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You ever feel like your wasted space? Just waiting for someone to prove you wrong. Like you want to hurt yourself but you don't want to feel the pain. What do you do then? (link)
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I actually think that most people have felt like that from time to time.
However, if you are feeling numb and lost and like the whole of you has already died, it's possible you are suffering with depression. The good news is that you CAN beat it. The bad news is that it's very hard to do.
I used to be exactly the same when I was 15 and 16. For two years, I felt nothing. I never laughed, I never cried, I never felt excited. One of my Grandparents died when I was 15 and I cried for about 30 seconds. After that...nothing. Sounds awful doesn't it? I did love her but the truth is, I just couldn't feel anything when it happened. I was in a very bad place and when I was 16, I tried to cut my wrists. I just wanted it all to stop.
It was somewhere around this time my doctor offered me anti-depressents but you know what? I never took them. I know a lot of people recommend them but I'm firmly against them for myself because I want to know what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I don't want pills to do it for me.
My break through was a while after this, when my sister and her friend were having a pillow fight in the living room while I was trying to watch TV and they were trying to get me to join in. I refused at first but then I thought about it. I used to LOVE doing things like that and would have jumped at the chance. Okay, I didn't really want to now but I didn't want to do anything, so what was the harm in trying it? The most amazing thing happened. I actually had FUN! I was laughing so much my sides hurt and I was breathless and felt twinges of happiness I thought I'd never feel again.
After that I made up my mind. If anyone wanted me to do something that I just didn't want to do because I was feeling too miserable or numb to want to but would otherwise have enjoyed, I MADE myself do it. It was REALLY hard but it worked and so far, I'm 21 and have never been happier!
Don't get me wrong, I still have 'down days', where I feel so miserable and like there's this thing inside me, eating away at my happiness. I have no friends, I hate my job, sure my boyfriend can't stand me, etc, etc, etc. But these days, it passes and life goes on and I truly think that it is an example of what CAN happen, if you really make yourself do things. It's very difficult but it's worth it in the end. By all means, if you are suffering severe suicidal thoughts or think medication could help then speak to your doctor. But if you think it might be worth a shot at trying to deal with it yourself then please do try. It's a rough ride but it's so worth it when you have a breakthrough. The point I'm making is that life WILL be worth living again so you can't give up. There are so many opportunities you don't even know you're going to get! Twenty years frm now, you could be happily married with 2.5 children in a job you love, or you could be living abroad somewhere and having the time of your life or any other fantastic possibilities! If you give in now, you will never know and belive me, THAT will be the only waste.
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Rating: 5
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Thanks. I have been diagnosed with depression. But the couselor hasen't helped so I stopped seeing her. I have lots of down days and sometimes I just need someone to tell me that it'll be okay. So thanks a whole bunch. I very much appreciate it!
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