I work as a Customer Laison Complaints Case Officer at a major insurance company, where I have worked for 3 years. I left school when I was 17, as I had some very bad experiences at school and wanted to see what the real world had to offer.
I now live with my boyfriend of 3 years and spend my spare time reading, writing, socialising with friends or just watching some TV.
Times are still hard and I'm trying to cope with various health problems on a daily basis but I'm working my way through things and really want to stop it from getting me down.
I dream of some day going to America and watching a real baseball game (we don't have that at all in the UK) and perhaps finding a job I find creatively fulfilling. Until then, I'm happy trying to be me and making the best of what I have.
Website: My Space
Gender: Female
Location: Dorset, UK
Occupation: Customer Liaison Case Officer
Age: 21
MSN: hottchickie@hotmail.com
Member Since: January 28, 2006
Answers: 1016
Last Update: March 5, 2009
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I have an emotional dilemma. I have a male friend who I have known for over 25 years. We talk at least three times a day, discuss politics and history, like the same movies and books, grew up in the same neighborhood, enjoy the same lifestyles. We’ve been through a lot together and he has always been generous to me, and helped me in my business and personal life.
However, we both have had two marriages each to other people (we're both divorced right now). I never felt a physical attraction to him, that is, until just in the past eight months. To my surprise, he’s a passionate lover. I find myself feeling things for him that I’ve never felt before.
Now we have to decide whether to be together, but there’s a problem. I don’t think we want the same things in relationships. He says that I have to give up trying to control the relationship, and I say a relationship is a 50-50 proposition. I think he punishes me by withholding affection and being critical, and he says if I feel that way I should move on. He says he wants me to be submissive to him, but that just seems like the start of an abusive relationship to me. He says I'm just used to being in charge all the time and he's not having it.
I suspect his attitude is probably one of the reasons why he hasn’t had successful marriages, but I haven't been a success at marriage either. I just can’t see clearly right now. Should I at least try to change to accommodate him or should I just move on???
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My honest opinion is that you shouldn't ignore those alarm bells that are ringing inside your head.
As you quite rightly state, a relationship should always be 50/50 without exception and it sounds as though he doesn't feel that this should be the case. Immediately, this concerns me. He sounds like a rather controlling guy who feels that you should play the part of the 'little woman'. In this day and age, there is no excuse for this and if he is withholding affection and being cruel to you as a punishment for not being the person he expects you to be, the situation can only go from bad to worse.
As you have already surmised, it's probable that this attitude is the reason he has not yet been able to sustain a successful marraige. Although you say he is a passionate lover, it would be a fruitless and possibly harmful relationship, were you to commit to it. I'm not suggesting that he would physically hurt you necessarily, because I don't know him. However, his demands that you treat him as somehow superior to you will eventually wear down your self confidence and self esteem and you could find yourself trapped in a very unfortunate position.
I would strongly suggest that however wonderful he might seem on the surface, now that you have scratched that, you scrap him. There is no point pursuing a relationship which you already appear to realise will only serve to hurt you. The fact is, you deserve a lot better than a guy who wants to turn you into a downtrodden housewife and as an intelligent woman who clearly does know her own mind, there is no reason to trap yourself in that sort of position.
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Rating: 4
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How thoughtful your advice is. It's painful to read, though, that someone you thought you knew is really emotionally abusive and capable of hurting you. I do know his behavior does erode my self esteem and I'm always fighting to be understood. Thanks for letting me know what the real choice has to be.....
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