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FRIENDSHIP TURNED TO LOVE AFFAIR?
I have an emotional dilemma. I have a male friend who I have known for over 25 years. We talk at least three times a day, discuss politics and history, like the same movies and books, grew up in the same neighborhood, enjoy the same lifestyles. We’ve been through a lot together and he has always been generous to me, and helped me in my business and personal life.
However, we both have had two marriages each to other people (we're both divorced right now). I never felt a physical attraction to him, that is, until just in the past eight months. To my surprise, he’s a passionate lover. I find myself feeling things for him that I’ve never felt before.
Now we have to decide whether to be together, but there’s a problem. I don’t think we want the same things in relationships. He says that I have to give up trying to control the relationship, and I say a relationship is a 50-50 proposition. I think he punishes me by withholding affection and being critical, and he says if I feel that way I should move on. He says he wants me to be submissive to him, but that just seems like the start of an abusive relationship to me. He says I'm just used to being in charge all the time and he's not having it.
I suspect his attitude is probably one of the reasons why he hasn’t had successful marriages, but I haven't been a success at marriage either. I just can’t see clearly right now. Should I at least try to change to accommodate him or should I just move on???
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My honest opinion is that you shouldn't ignore those alarm bells that are ringing inside your head.
As you quite rightly state, a relationship should always be 50/50 without exception and it sounds as though he doesn't feel that this should be the case. Immediately, this concerns me. He sounds like a rather controlling guy who feels that you should play the part of the 'little woman'. In this day and age, there is no excuse for this and if he is withholding affection and being cruel to you as a punishment for not being the person he expects you to be, the situation can only go from bad to worse.
As you have already surmised, it's probable that this attitude is the reason he has not yet been able to sustain a successful marraige. Although you say he is a passionate lover, it would be a fruitless and possibly harmful relationship, were you to commit to it. I'm not suggesting that he would physically hurt you necessarily, because I don't know him. However, his demands that you treat him as somehow superior to you will eventually wear down your self confidence and self esteem and you could find yourself trapped in a very unfortunate position.
I would strongly suggest that however wonderful he might seem on the surface, now that you have scratched that, you scrap him. There is no point pursuing a relationship which you already appear to realise will only serve to hurt you. The fact is, you deserve a lot better than a guy who wants to turn you into a downtrodden housewife and as an intelligent woman who clearly does know her own mind, there is no reason to trap yourself in that sort of position.
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Take it from me...I married my best friend. We have been HAPPILY married for 6 years now! It was weird in the beginning when we started dating because I never looked at him in "that way" but we quickly got past that. The benefits of being with someone you are friends with first is that there is no pretending. You know him, he knows you...You have to be upfront and honest with each other fron the start. You need to sit down together and decide what you want to do. If you don't think your differences will mesh well together, then don't go there. You certainly don't want to ruin a friendship if the relationship goes sour. But if you can compromise and learn to live with each other it may be the best thing you have ever done. Like I said, sit down together and talk...even put your pros and cons down on paper. Be honest with each other, and yourself. That's what my husband and I did 6 years ago...I have never been happier. I hope this helps!
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I've never been married, but it sounds to me like that was one of the reasons(like you said) his marriage ended.
Before you start to date seriously, you need to have a talk with him. Relationships are supposed to be shared, and although you shouldnt control the entire thing, neither should he. In the dictionary it says :
Relationship, N: A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
It needs to work between both of you, and although in relationships one tends to be the dominant one, you shouldnt let him talk that way towards you and try to control you like that. It's not fair and it's not love. If you think he would ever abuse you in any way I would get out now and just remain friends. It seems like you guys had a better time that way anyway.
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You are right that it should be a 50/50 proposition. There should be give and take on both sides.
You can't control the relationship entirely either. Nor can you be totally submissive. You will have to have a long talk about what you both really want. I think you both react as you do because of your past relationships.
I have been married 31 years. And I can tell you from experience that discussing things, well major things, before doing them or buying something costly is the way to go. Don't make plans for the other person without asking. Those kind of things. You also have to respect each others feelings and nobody controls the other.
I am in charge of housecleaning, and meals. He goes to work 6 days a week. When I was working we shared.
He is in charge of everything automotive. I sometimes help but when things start flying I'm out of there. :) He is also in charge of lawn maintenance because I hate it.
It isn't quite the same for you because you aren't married, but it can be close to the same.
I don't know if you are currently living together
or not. So I'm probably not helping much. But, you get the idea I hope. Make a plan and stick to as much as you can. I don't see why you couldn't work it out.
If you think he may get abusive then by all means hit the door running. I don't think all men
mean any harm when they use the word. You might ask and see exactly what he means when he says he wants you to be submissive.
Good luck. :)
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