Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 22511
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Hi everyone, I'd like to hear your perspective(this question is especially for girls but guys are welcome to answer too). My problem is that I feel disgustingly and frighteningly ugly. My own reflection upsets me when I look in the mirror, and I find the idea of sex really scary. I've tried it a couple of times, but the guys I've been with have been really greedy and impatient and made me feel even uglier. They kept on going on about how pretty other girls were, and I think they just wanted me because I'm so insecure. Has anyone else been through this , and come out all right the other end(e.g. in a happy relationship, or just happier with themselves). Some days I don't even want to leave the house, I feel I look so bad.
Thanks in advance(22/f BTW). (link)
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Hi
I'm 34 years old and I can TOTALLY relate to what you are going through.
When I was in my early 20's (I'm ashamed to admit this), but I let men use me. I was over-weight, unhappy, and had a very low self-esteem.
I learned the hard way that sex is not love...not even close!! After an "experience" with a guy..sometimes a complete stranger, I would feel even more horrible about myself. Why was I letting guys use me? BECAUSE I LET THEM!! I honestly didn't think I would ever find anyone who would love me. I mean come on...I was the invisible fat chick.
Then I took some steps to improve the way I saw/see myself. I had gastric bypass surgery, and lost over 200 pounds. I also decided that low self-esteem was something of the past. It wasn't going to be me anymore.
I am now a successful person..working and going to school (something I NEVER would have seen myself doing as an adult). Although I'm not in the complete self love phase, I feel like a worthy human being, who is a productive member of society.
I began to really respect myself, and demanded that of any man I got involved with. I met my husband five years ago, and he is the man of my dreams. He respects me, loves me, sees me a very worthwile person.
So yes, it is possible to hike yourself up...and be happy. Everyone is their own worst critic. What you may see as ugly, others may not.
Self-confidence is such a HUGE character boost. Even someone that is considered less attractive can come across as very intriguing due to the confidence they exude.
Until you start to like yourself and realize your self worth, you can not expect someone else to do that.
You could try taking a self-esteem/confidence course, or sometimes seeing a counsellor is also beneficial.
Just always remember that you deserve to be happy, and be treated with respect and love. Don't settle for anything less. Try to like yourself..you'll be much happier if you do.
Take care,
Brenda
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much, your advice really helped.
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