About lucretia
I have been on this site a little while now, and while I have never been one of its more prolific columnists, I do read a helluva lot more questions than I answer. The reason for this is that I feel that a lot of the questions are very similar, so I tend to pick the better worded and/or more interesting ones among them:plus I without fail will answer anything you care to drop in my inbox. But for those of you whose questions I do not specifically address, here are my top five tips to make the world(and advicenators, which is after all the hub of the universe) a better place:
Enjoy!
1)You will generally be happier if you are not
constantly taking your emotional temperature. So much stress is placed these days on FEELING, that people forget that the way to FEEL happy is to DO. So get over yourself and take up skateboarding, drumming(which I highly recommend) "mumblety-peg, if that's where your heart lies". Whatever it is though, just get on with it and you'll be allright.
2) If s/he says "you're too good for me", then s/he isn't interested. End of story.
3)Honour thy father and thy mother, unless they're actually beating the crap out of you, in which case you need to call on outside agents to mediate.In all other cases though, take it easy on your folks-you won't regret it later in life.
4)In 90% of cases, cheating is unaccepatable and inexcusable. If you think that your partner is part of the 10% (or whatever random minority)of excusable cheaters, then ask yourself why. Is it because you're such hell to live with that it's a miracle that anyone would date you, let alone stay faithful? If it is , then you have one of two problems; you either have a personality disorder which makes you undateable, or you have such low self esteem that you believe yourself undateable. In either case, you need help, so go to a counselor, therapist, doctor, whatever, just sort it out.
5) Read self-help books. Just take them with a pinch of salt. Seriously, they make great reading, and can give remarkably sound advice, but you must not believe every word they say, or you will very possibly end up resembling , if not actually becoming , a speed freaked zombie wearing day-glo juicy couture. By self help books, I mean any thing which gives you x number of rules to live by, and suggests that the key to fulfillment lies within these rule(a bit like I'm doing now-book my '07 convention early to avoid disappointment.10% discount for advicenators columnists).Books to approach with caution include "The Rules" and the "Surrendered" series by Laura Doyle. But the jewel in the self help crown has to be the beautiful "The Bitch Rules" by Elizabeth Wurtzel. If you can read this book and not smile, laugh, and just feel unfettered joy at living, you are either the aforementioned zombie, or you are living in some banana republic. In either case, you are beyond my help,but I feel you.
Take care!
Lucretia
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Website: My LiveJournal
E-mail: lucrece_13@hotmail.com
Gender: Female
Location: Glasgow
Occupation: Student
Age: 22
Member Since: September 9, 2005
Answers: 155
Last Update: August 29, 2006
Visitors: 18304
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Hey, you seem to have your head screwed-on right so I thought I'd ask you this question - and it's long and complicated!
There is a guy I work with (we're both from Bournemouth), and we go to separate Universities (me - Lincoln and him - Liverpool). I've just turned 21 and he's about to turn 20.
Well I've worked with him for about a year but never ever even dreamed he'd be interested in me, so never bothered saying anything to him. Well one night after Xmas when we were both home for the holidays I saw him out in a club when I was drunk and we got talked him, and I asked if he'd like to go for a drink at Easter. Well he looked completely astonished and said "yeah sure!". I got his number and texted him a couple of days later. He replied the next day and we texted each other a couple of times, I added him to MSN, we spoke, blah blah blah. That was about a month ago, and since then we've been texting each other really really filthy stuff that we'd like to do to each other. I've already told him I don't have casual sex (anymore) but this guy is so gorgeous it's hard not to get caught up in talking about that kind of stuff.
This was all well and good but I really want more from him - I don't know him that well but from what I do know he seems like a lovely bloke and ticks most of the criteria I have for men - I guess you could say I got a bit picky in my old age! After having been single for 2 years I'd like to find someone I can settle down with for a bit. With me so far? Good.
Well just over a week ago the filthy texts stopped completely. I texted him last Saturday asking how his skiing trip went and I didn't get a reply, but I was on MSN later that day and he signed in and started talking to me (btw he only has internet access at Uni whilst I have it in my room, which is a pain). He then started talking to me like a normal person, being quite playful and laid-back. I thought "Great, he likes me!". But that was the last I've heard from him. No texts, filthy or otherwise. He did mention that he's got a serious cash-flow crisis at the moment, so I'm hoping that he's just got no credit (tho I have absolutely no idea if he's on PAYG). It's his birthday Tues and I've sent him a card, it has my address on the back of the envelop but I doubt he'll use his brain and use it! Anyway I just wondered what my next move should be? Maybe a casual email? I'm just not sure what I should do - it's hard enough to get to know someone you like but worse when they disappear completely! And if I do manage to maintain contact with him, how would you recommend I broach the subject of wanting to get to know him and seeing where it leads? I was originally gonna send a Valentine's card explaining my feelings but have got such mixed messages that I freaked out and didn't send it.
Thank you SO much for your time and patience in reading this and I hope to hear back soon :)
For a start, thanks for your faith in me-though I've made my good share of mistakes, I'm finally strarting to wise up...
But I'll cut the cackle and get to your problem, although I have to admit that I'm as much in the dark as to his motives as you are.Taking your question step by step, it is obvious that he 1)Likes you in a sexual way and 2) Likes you as a friend. Trouble is, in the Law of Relationships 1+2 don't NECESSARILY add up to 3)he wants to be your boyfriend and in your words "settle down for a bit" (or for however long). I'm not saying that he doesn't , mind, just that you can't know.
So here is where I would push the boat out and send him a combined Birthday/Valentines card. Don't make too much of the Valentines theme- you could even make a sly joke of it, referring to the birthday card as a "non valentine". The more I think of it, the better idea that seems-by being playfully interested, you force his hand in the gentlest possible way-ie. if he wants to take you up on it, he can-if not he won't and no hard feelings.
My other strong advice to you is to not obsess about it too much(Iknow, I know, almost impossible). But I would say to keep as many distractions on the go as you can-it's old advice but one does seem more attractive that way. I am just going through an uncertain patch with a man, and I am doing as much as possible to keep my mind off it. Go tot the cinema with your girlfriends on Monday. Don't spend all day waiting from an IM from him-let's hope he starts texting again. I'm sorry not to have been much help-as you say yourself, the situation is hard to read. But keep me posted as to how it went, or ask advice again should the need arise.
Good Luck!
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Thanks for answering, I'll keep you posted!
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