I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
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I had the worst day. I found out this morning that one of my friends died in her sleep at her parents. I hadnt talked to her in a long time so I felt a lot of guilt. I also had to phone another friend who had a falling out with her 6 months ago and she felt so guilty she spent the whole day crying.
The funeral is on wednesday morning and I can't go because I have to work. So I spent 40 dollars to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to the funeral.
I also stubbed my toe, slammed my finger in a door, and got my period today. I don't have a bf to comfort me and all my other friends are too upset over the death of our friend to talk to me. Is there something that I could do to make myself feel better about this situation? I thought that by getting the flowers I would feel better but I only feel worse. And how can I get undepressed? It's right before Xmas and I don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. (link)
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First of all, I want to express my sympathies to you and your friends on the loss of your friend. The loss of anyone close to us, or who has been close to us, is never easy and we have to allow ourselves to go through different stages of grieving. This site http://fl.essortment.com/stagesgrief_rbdm.htm is wonderful in explaining the different stages of grief and how one can cope with those stages. (Note: Scroll down the page because there are a bunch of ads for books at the top.)
You need to know that guilt is a normal and common stage of grief. I don't think we ever feel that everything was done "right" before the death of someone who dies. I also believe that we all have things that feel as though they are unresolved with the deceased person and that, of course, brings on the guilt feelings.
Not talking to a friend for a while or having an argument that isn't necessarily resolved are normal happenings in life. Most of us can feel guilty about those kinds of things withOUT the other person dying. If the other person should die, then that guilt only becomes more pronounced and exacerbated. It is exacerbated because we feel as though there should have been something we could have done. Could haves, should haves, etc. - try hard not to focus on those things. It is all in the past.
All of you need to allow yourselves to FEEL any of the feelings that are cropping up now...even guilt. If you let yourselves go through the normal stages of grief, they will pass more easily and you'll be able to move on. You need to remember that your deceased friend had not talked to you for a while; it wasn't just you who didn't talk to her. You were both participants in busy lives that kept you from keeping in contact as often as you now wish you had. Your friend who had the falling out with this girl/woman needs to remember that a falling out involves two people. She obviously was not the only one who was involved in that falling out. This is not to say that either of you should look at your deceased friend in a bad way. I am only trying to point out that you guys were not doing these things you feel so guilty about alone.
I feel sure that all the things that happened to you physically have to do with a feeling of surreal circumstances. Meaning, since something so traumatic does not feel quite real yet, it is common to walk around in sort of a daze. For instance, this daze then allows for you to not be overly aware of your surroundings. Your period could have started because it was time - you didn't say. Or it could have started early (?) because of the stress you are feeling. Whatever the case, having your period start when you're already feeling fragile and vulnerable is hard. Menstruation is not exactly a comfortable thing for any woman to go through. If there is something stressful going on, the side effects of menstruation may be worse because your mind and body are going through such turmoil.
I would guess that you felt worse after sending the flowers to the funeral home because you are feeling as though you "should" be going to the funeral. Funerals are ways for the living to say good-bye. Sometimes people go out of respect for the families of the deceased, but in my opinion they are much more for people who feel they must be in the presence of the deceased so that they can say good-bye. Well, I haven't attended many funerals in my life, by choice. My way of saying good-bye is very private and I need that privacy for my own healing. This is NOT to say that you or your friends should hole up in your homes and grieve alone. I'm just saying that there are different ways to say, "Good-bye."
My suggestion to you and your friends is that you get together in someone's home or at a favorite restaurant (even a favorite restaurant of the girl who died). Instead of focusing on what all of you wish you had done or hadn't done, focus on all the things you really admired/liked about your friend. Express good memories and happy times. Light a candle for her - white usually is a symbol of spirituality, light and goodness; pink is usally a symbol of love...you could light one of each color. Have a silent moment as the candle (or candles) is lit. You could do this at the beginning of your get together or at the end, as a way to say good-bye while imagining her encircled in the light of God, happy and free, and knowing that there is love pouring forth from all of you. She will know this. Believe me. Another thing that my friends and I have done is to write a short prayer for someone and then "let it go into the universe" by burning it. Fire is a way to cleanse and to release. By burning a prayer or something you want your deceased friend to know (even an apology if you feel that is necessary), you are releasing it in a spiritual way and more often than not a sense of relief comes over the person who is "letting go" of whatever they are wanting to say. Cry together. Laugh together. Share together. Sometmes having little "rituals" can make us feel better. A good-bye ritual that is created solely by you and your friends for your other friend will be special and memorable. If this idea sounds weird to you, just remember that funerals are rituals in and of themselves. They're just a different way for people to say good-bye.
You are not apt to get "undepressed" in a snap. Again, you will want to allow yourself to go through all the feelings you have so that you can let them go. Take bubble baths and listen to favorite music. Pamper yourself right now. Take care of yourself so that you don't fall into a deeper depression. You and your friends may find that talking together will be enough, but if it isn't, then maybe all of you could use some grief counseling from either a Grief Support group or if you're in school, a school counselor. One of the things I think many people fall into is that they feel they shouldn't speak of the dead. That it will make others uncomfortable...as well as the person who really wants to speak. However, it usually works the opposite way. Speaking of your friend should be able to help all of you to release some of these pent up emotions.
I know you are worried about how you're feeling right now so near Christmas. I understand. If your Christmas and your celebration of it are a little more low key than usual, please try to give yourself permission - it's okay. Talk to your family and I'm sure they will understand as well. But try to make this Christmas special instead of a horrid one to remember. On Christmas Eve and/or Day, light another candle for your friend. Focus on the real meaning of Christmas - the new birth. Your friend is now experiencing her new birth in another sort of way. Wish her well with her new life. Tell her that you miss her. This Christmas, give your friend your gift of love and then release her to a new and better life.
I know you will come through all of this all right even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Go easy on yourself. I seriously doubt that your friend left this earth with any ill will towards anyone.
So, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. But all of you can try to make this time a time for forgiveness (especially of yourselves) and love. It will also probably be very good for all of you still here because it will give you the chance to appreciate what you have in each other.
My best wishes are with all of you...as well as for your friend who has moved on.
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Rating: 5
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Thankyou!! I will take your advice and go easy on myself. Great advice!
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