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Gender:

Female

Location:

Canada

Occupation:

Family, Youth and Mental Health Counsellor

Age:

31

Member Since:

July 13, 2006

Answers:

410

Last Update:

October 16, 2007

Visitors:

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about

Hello All,
I am counsellor with over 12 years experience specializing in parenting, families, youth and mental health. I answer questions in a blunt and straightforward way so if you are looking for coddling or really touchy feely type advice thats not me I provide real solutions for your problems and concrete suggestions in other words I tell you the plain truth I don't sugarcoat.

I am really worried these days with the easy access to the internet and all the false information that is out there and the fact that people believe it!! So please ask first. I don't claim to have all the answers but I can claim that NOTHING will shock me you can try though :)

I look forward to hearing you thoughts and questions.

advice

Anybody got any suggestions on how to quit smoking? I've been doing it since I was 15 and I'm 24 now. I smoke a pack a day and I really want to quit. I'm trying to get pregnant so I know I need to and now's the time. Cold Turkey didnt work for me even though that may be the best way to go. It seems like I'll quit for a day or so then something I consider to be "hectic" happens and I feel like I cant concentrate or fix whatever problem I'm having until I smoke. All idea's would be helpful and I'll definatly take into consideration. Thanks.

As a woman who quit smoking to have a child, I will tell you what worked for me; I used the losanges they are fairly new, but they worked better the the gum (no sore jaw) and the patch (no weird dreams) and when I became pregnant I learned how to knit and ate ALOT of carrot sticks..Don't get me wrong I still crave a smoke now and then and when I go out for a drink I am sure that I will have one but now I put my child first and its not that hard. Also when you do quit do not let anyone smoke in the house, EVER. It makes a big difference.

I also created a support group with my friends. IT really helped.

Edited answer -
*The losenges are called "Commit losenges", they work on the same principle of the gum they have nicotene in them so it deals with the craving. Also I work in a field where I not only get verbally but physically abused stress is no excuse, it will never get easier to quit you just need to set your mind to it and quit. Sounds impossible but every day gets easier.*

Thank you sassysara your input into this subject is very valuable to me. I am also trying to get her some night mittens before therapy as I think it will just add to her problems. I am an aromatherapist and am trying all my avenues before taking the next step of therapy as she is only ten years old and I think it is vital to try everything before the therapy. Thank you so much for everything that you have said and I will look into therapy anyways as it may help her in the long run to try and overcome whatever the problem seems to be.

Thank you sassysara
Tanya

You are so welcome, and you know what using alternative medicines is an awesome idea. The anti stress serum from the naturo path works wonders as do many of the other tools that they use. I HIGHLY recommend exploring all options as the answer is probably in the middle of all avenues.

If you ever need to just vent or let out YOUR stress feel free, my email is sassysara_1975@hotmail.com.

Dear Sara,
I've been married for seven years to a wonderful person. I love him but have at times really struggled in my relationship with his mother, who although has many good qualities, can be very controlling and hard to be close to. My partner and I had our first baby six months ago and I've been trying to allow his mom to develop her own relationship with our baby, to the point of letting the baby cry for awhile at things she does not want my mother-in-law to do before stepping in. They are moving far away soon, so I try to let her do things that I ordinarily would be less giving about. Tonight, our baby fell from a sitting position on the floor and hit her head. She was okay but I think it frightened her and she cried at the pain. I was not in the room as I was making dinner while my mother-in-law and other family members played with her. I came at her screams though and wanted to take her to comfort her at which point my mom-in-law held onto her, insisting she was fine and looking very hurt that I was trying to take her away. We had a veritable "tug-of-war" (not too rough) for a moment with the baby. I finally took her and comforted her. I told my mother-in-law that it was "nothing personal" and that I would have taken her from anyone when she was like that, but she was still hurt. Once the baby was okay and my mother-in-law calmed down/came back to the room, I offered the baby back to her. You should know that my mother-in-law is moving a good distance away by her own choice in pursuit of an environment that is better for her health, so I try to be more generous with the baby, but at some points when it gets extreme, I feel I just need to take her. Was I in the wrong? How do I establish boundaries without making a war? This woman is very smart. I do love her. It is hard though because she gets hurt very easily and gets very angry easily too.

Ok you did exactly the right thing with your mother in law. I think that by telling her in a clear way that while you thank her for welcoming you into her family and being a phenomonal grandmother you need to do things your way so that you can make your own mistakes and raise your daughter your way.

Yes she may get angry or hurt, but point out that the joy of being a grandmother is spoiling your child without dealing with the consequences. Also by setting boundries now you are ensuring your future, what if the move does not work out and your mother in law returns? By setting the boundries now and not allowing your mother in law to get away with too much you are setting the bar.

So stay strong and what you may find most beneficial is that you and your husband sit down and agree on some basic boundries and have him step in from time to time when possible so you are not seen as always being the bad guy.

Hope this helps,

(I always knew I was lucky that my mother in law was already passed on...lol)

As my daughter is only ten, and has epilepsy along with the trichillomania is there anything else that I can do with out having her take more drugs. I talk to her all the time and tell her that I love her, I have always supported her in everything that she has chosen to do. the worst thing is that htere is really not much else that I seem to be able to do for her. I have taught her to knit so that her hands are busy most of the time. but it still does not solve anything as she pulls of a night when she is sleeping. So if there is anything else that anyone thinks I should know please let me know. Thank you so much

If she is not already seeing a therapist she should start. What she needs is ERP or exposure response-prevention therapy. This works better in the long term then medication does. It will give your daughter the tools to fight back against the trich. If money is an issue many teaching hospitals will allow you to have free treatment as long as you don't mind a student observing.

You can also help your daughter find a new way to deal with her feelings. What worked for a client of mine was for her to go down to the basement and break dishes while yelling (I bought cheap ones from the thrift store).

Hope this helps

My 50-something year-old boyfriend lives in a household with his 80+-year old mother and a brother, also in his 50's. Last year his 50+ year old sister moved in with her daughter (his niece) and the daughter's 3 year-old son. (The niece has four other children who reside elsewhere.)

Recently, the niece moved out to live with a man but did not take the child. Now the family is in an uproar, claiming they don't want to take care of the 3 year old left behind by his mom.

I don't plan to get personally involved because these are dysfunctional, toxic people with bad attitudes. He keeps asking me for advice on what to do with the child, and he's angry that the niece (who obviously has problems) has left them with her responsibility. He also doesn't want his sickly 80 year old mother involved in the day-to-day care of a 3 year old child.

I am worried about the long-term psychological effects on a child who's being rejected by both his mother, grandmother, his uncles, just because they are angry with the mother. What confusion that child must be feeling, with all the hostility around him and an absent mother (his father is in jail)! This is how criminals and serial killers are made...

I say the kid gets abused if they force the mother to take him, gets abused if he's forced into foster care by the state, gets abused if the family is forced to keep him when they don't want to.

Do I sit and watch this horror unfold, walk away from them all and/or secretly call the authorities? I just can't seem to turn my back on this child....

As a child and youth counsellor I have seen this many times and I know the effects that it can have on the child. This poor innocent child needs to be removed from the home immediately. If you are not in a position to take him in the short term you need to alert the social service agency nearest you. Having worked in and run group homes this situation is much worse. Since he is only 3 he will be put in foster care, it is much better then where he is now.

I know you have probably heard horror stories of a child put in care but nothing could be worse then him feeling and knowing that he is not wanted and unloved. Where are his siblings? Can the person who has them not take him as well?

If you need more advice please send me a message.

wat are some foods that have protein that you eat for breakfest (like a banana)help

Peanut butter is a great source of protein as is bacon, sausages, eggs, oats (i.e. oatmeal), milk and milk products (cheese, yogurt...),if you make yourself an omelet put some spinich in it, add onions and mushrooms green or red pepper, potatoes (home fries).

This is all I could really think of. Hope it helps.

can anyone send me the link to get the free trial of adobe photoshop?

Here is the link for download.com. They have pretty much everything.

www.download.com

Can anyone please tell me a bit about this disease. My ten year old daughter has just been diagnosed with it. She also has nocturnal epilepsy. Is there anything that I can do to help her?

Hey there,
I have worked with clients with this before and what was most helpful across the board was medication in conjunction with behavior therapy. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to ensure that she knows that you love her no matter what, also ensure that she gets help.

Also if you are blaming yourself as many parents do will not help your daughter but will increase her stress levels and cause her to pull more. Don't tell her that she could stop if she really wanted to, and look for other signs of OCD as her pulling decreases she may mentally try to compensate by picking up another obsession.

ALso make sure that she is taking her medication for the epilepsy, because many people with trich are also depressed, she may think medication is pointless. Below is a link with further info, if you have more questions feel free to ask me.

By the way I think its awesome that you are exhausting all avenues to help your daughter.

http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/92.cfm

my friend was hooking up with this older guy that got out of a year relationship about a week before they started hooking up.. they were stable for about 3 weeks.. they would go out alot.. sumtimes wouldnt even make out... he would pik her up ( shes 16 going to 11th ggrade, and hes 16 going to 12th) and he would pik her up in his car and they would spend alot of time together. he gave her his jacket.. i gues to keep and she gave him her tiffany's ring (expensive ring) but somthing happened to him and her relationship. he just became an ass.. one saturaday nite passed and he hooked up with another girl.. then he told my friend "you no i dont want a gf rite now rite?" (but she didint find out about the hook up from him).. we went to another party last nite but he didnt even say hi to her.. hes just been such an ass to her.. i dont even no how this relationship went downhill all of a sudden.. my friend really wants her ring back but she doesnt know how to get it.. i keep telling her to just call him ffrom a blocked number and ask him to drop it off at her house.. or tell him that shell come ppik it u p.. but i dont no wat she is afraid of.. what should she do!! she needs her 200 dollar ring bak!!

She needs to step up and ask out right for her ring, she needs to tell him that she will give him back his jacket and she needs her ring, if he refuses she needs to talk to her parents and get them to call his parents.

Its an unfortunate situation he sounds like a total ass, she is better off without him. If he is refusing to return the ring he is stealing it and should be told that she will take him to court (more as a scare tactic...).

Hope this helps

College is approaching real soon (in 2 weeks!). I'm excited cuz I'll be living with my best friend and that makes me SO excited! But..there's a huge part of me that is absolutely terrified. Like, more terrified than an average college freshman would be. I'm afraid that the workload and studying will stress me out and take so much time to do, and when I think like that I start paniccing and crying and stuff.

Also I'm a really slow reader (I read 10-20 pages per hour). And someone told me that you have to study 2 hours for every hour in class..I'm taking 12 hours a week, so that means I study for 24 hours?? That's 3 and a half hours a day! But another friend told me that if you pay attention in class, study 3 days before tests and even attempt assignments, you'll pass with flying colors. I don't know who to believe but I really hope what my second friend said is true.

What do you think?

Ok every teacher in college is different, the best thing you can do is make sure that your notes are good from classes, most teachers base most of the questions on their tests on class as opposed to textbook information. Also if you don't take good notes (it is an aquired skill) record your classes and borrow notes from someone who takes good notes.

What I did was after every class I reviewed what we did, also if you re-copy your notes they will stick better in your head. Worrying about college will only make it harder for you, if you find that you don't have enough time for tests or assignments go to your academic advisor and they can arrange for you to have more time for assignments and tests.

I hope this helps, if you need more study hints let me know!

I met this guy at a party back in May. I knew him before but didn't really like him, but this party made me think he was a decent enough person. I wasn't attracted to him in a romantic sense though. Anyway, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. He was okay at first, but then I started hating him. He is really immature. I tell him that I don't like him at all and to leave me alone, but he won't stop. He calls me about 394834 times a day and at odd times since he knows I'm awake a lot. He even calls the house phone where my parents are sleeping at 4am. One time I went to the store and there were twenty seven new calls on the phone. Going to the police isn't an option because I'm not exactly their favorite person ever. I've told him many times but he just won't listen. The only reason he talks to me is because he thinks my interests will fit in with his image. It's pathetic. He pretends to like every movie and band I like, even if he knows nothing about them. How do I get him to leave me alone?

I am not sure where you live, but here in Canada we can block a number on both home and cell phones. It costs less then 2.00/month and all you have to do is enter the number and it is blocked and no calls from that number can get through. He may then try to call from pay phones and different numbers but you can block them as well. If you can't afford or your parents won't pay for it then simply hang up on him when he calls and if he calls at 4am then take the phone off the hook for the night. Make sure your parents know that this is going on so that if need be they can speak to him or his parents if he doesn't back off.

As for seeing him in public walk away from him anytime he tries to talk to you. Make sure all your friends know the situation as well so that they can help run interferance for you. Eventually he will get the message, it will probably take a little time.

Hope this helps.

i burn my face realy bad like i cooked off 4 layers of skin out of 7 it kills and i put stuff on it to make it better but it makes it hurt worce my skin is realy gross so i was wondering will it get back to normal befor school and thats in a little over a month. is there anyway to make it heal faster because im always crying because it hurts soOOooOOO bad

Solarcain makes really good products, I get burned alot due to being so pale I glow in the dark! Solarcaine has a new product that has lidocaine in it, this numbs your skin and there are other componants that help it heal. I also alternate using the solarcaine spray, this provides instant relief as well.

It will take about 2-3 weeks to heal, so you should be fine for school. Don't scratch and you will have no scars. Anything will aloe in it also speeds recovery.

Hope this helps.

i think that i might have a little bit of anxiety. i'm almost certain that if i just went to go see a phsycologist, he or she could just tell me whether or not i do and/or if i can take something for it. the problem is that my mom won't take me. she says that it's normal to experience anxiety when you're PMSing. But, i'm not always PMSing. i think i even know why i have anxiety. iv'e tried explaining it to her, but i'm sure if she heard it from the phsycologist, she might stop doing what is making me feel like this. how can i convince her? cuz she needs to hear it from someone else i think

Talk to your regular gp, if he/she feels that you are overly anxious they can perscribe something for you. You don't have to go to a psychologist.

Hope this helps

hey my names jess....well my friends mom nd step dad went away for the night and considering were teenagers we invited a couple of boys over..well me my friend taylor nd 2 boys decided to go in the bathtub with bathingsuits on bc we were just swimmin but the girlswho house it was at took a picture of me nd one boy in the tub. her mom looked threw her camera nd found a the picture and she found another pic of my friends poisin with boys..her mom is flipping out and says she was gonna call the cops to find out what happened..im like really have a panic attack over here i know what i did was wrong but i dont know what to do...im having trouble breathing...im a very paranoid person so its really getting to me...how can i sop being nervous and make this situation better...without getting in more trouble than i should be in?

please help me!!
jess

It does not sound like any of you did anything illegal. The police are going to tell her to deal with this on her own unless the boys were alot older then you (obviously well above 18).

The worst thing that could happen is that she will call your parents, so I wouldn't worry about it. Your parents would be angry but they will get over it.

i have dandruff and i dont know if its that bad but its there. more than a little! any ways i was just wondering if anyone had any recommendations thankx in advace!!

When I was a teenager I had wicked dandruff and head and shoulders just doesn't cut it nor do any of the regular brand shampoos with dandruff control. What works best are the tar shampoos. I used to use Multi-tar, it doesn't have a fruity/flowery smell but after 2-3 uses you can switch to only using it 2x a week.

After you get the dandruff under control what I do now is give myself a hot oil treatment every 2 weeks this gives your scalp the needed moisture, its kind of like when you put cream on dry skin.

Hope this helps

I want just wondering what everyone notices first in both the opposite and same sex. I want to know what to spend more time on so people will notice me. I don't want to say if I'm male or female because I want to know what both sides think. Thanks.

I think when I meet someone for the first time I register them on 2 levels physically and personality.

In men I notice their eyes and smile and personality I notice there quickness to laugh, or make others laugh.

In women I notice weight and shoes and there ability to make others laugh.

I hope this helps, I am a women by the way.

I'm 23 and have two kids with my boyfriend. we started dating when we were 16 and we had our first kid when we were 18 so nether got to go to college. Back in April times got tough between us, I was not working because we just had our second, and all the bills and stress were on him. He thought we had fallen out of love and wanted to seperated so me and the kiss moved out and he imeditaly hooked up with someone else and moved in with her and thaught he loved her. After a short 3 weeks with her he decided he hated her and made the biggest mistake of his live and he said he knows now that he really does love me and we are meant to be and has asked me to marry him.The thing it during those 3 weeks i decided to do something with my life and go to college for a 2 year nursing program and stay at with my grandparents(who live 5 hours away) and have them help me out. I was not about to risk my future again and end up broke with 2 kids. I wanted to be with him he is the love of my live but i needed to do this for myself and my kids. He understands and loves me even more for becoming independent and wants to wait for me. He owns his own bus. so its hard for him to start all over here but he has considered moving here with me. So here i am a month into being 5 hours away( he has came twice to visit)do you think this can work or am i being crazy for even taking him back? Doesn't soom people just have to get things out of their system to realize?

Ok first of all congratulations on being strong and going back to school and sticking with it! This is probably the best decsion you could make for your kids and yourself.

Look only you can decide whether or not you have a viable relationship, but I know that long distant relationships can work. School will only last 2 years, you will have summers and holidays off where you can spend time together. As long as the two of you work as a team you can get through this. Make sure that you explain to your kids that you still love each other and are together.

He may have just needed to get this out of his system, having been together so long and since you were so young it was probably bound to happen to both of you at different times throughout both of your lives you will probably wonder what if... its normal and as long as both of you remain committed to each other and your family you will make it.

You are obviously a strong women who not only is strong enough to face the unknown but strong enough to forgive a man who made a mistake! You will make an awesome nurse!

How do you pronounce Khalil? I know it's an Arabic name if that helps.

You pronounce it cal-lil or cal-leel depending on the persons choice.

It means a flute, perforated pipe. Below is the link I found with the meaning.

http://www.biblical-baby-names.com/search.html

i really wanna go on the pill, so without my mom knowing about me wanting to have sex what are some excuses to go on it besides pregnancy? we've considered me going on it before because i've always had severe menstrual cramps but i think she thinks i'm too young (i'm 16) ? i always hinted towards it but i don't think she gets it so what are some things i can use as an excuse to get on the pill? thank youuu

At 16 a doctor can't tell your mom anything you say or do it is illegal! So there is that way, also there are free clinics (such as planned parenthood) that will give you the pill for free.

If you want to be open and honest with your mom (to a point) the pill is also good not only for cramps and irregular periods but also for acne. Talk to your dr. and explain and have him/her talk to your mom and recommend it. The pill really does help with cramps and if you tell your mom that it has less side effects then any other medication even midol then she may accept that.

In the end though you may have to do this without your mom's knowledge at least until you are 18. Having your doctor talk to her is probably your best bet.

Hope this helps

i have this friend and we are really close shes one of my bestfriends and i have a feeling that she might be racist against caucasian people because like all of her friends are black and she like only has one caucasian friend and everything to her has to be black and it really bothers me im colored myself and i have friends of all different racis and when someonelse is another race or color i dont notice it until she brings up the color or race that they are and it really buggs me because it kinda insults me because i am a little bit caucasian and my family is mixed of different colors and i asked my friend if she was racist and she said no and got mad that i asked that and she also doesnt like black and white couples she thinks theres something wrong with that but honestly i dont see anything wrong with it and i really dont know what else to do she says she's not but i think that she might be a little bit racist but not a whole lot so what should i do because i dont wont to have a friend like that and i also dont want to stop being friends wit her

Racism is something that is learned, usually at home. Are her parents maybe believers that inter-racial dating is wrong? Do they not want her to have or do they not welcome different races in their home? This could be the way she is raised and that is really hard to fight against what you have been taught is "right".

If I was you I would simply agree to disagree with her. By this I mean allow her her beliefs and when she says/does stuff that you think are racist tell her that you think that is wrong, and explain that she is disrespecting your family when she says things like this. She is going to realize sooner or later that multi-culturalism is the way of the world. She will have to work, learn and be with all kinds of people throughout her life and learn how to get along with everyone.

Hope this helps.

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