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boundaries with mother-in-law and new baby
Dear Sara,
I've been married for seven years to a wonderful person. I love him but have at times really struggled in my relationship with his mother, who although has many good qualities, can be very controlling and hard to be close to. My partner and I had our first baby six months ago and I've been trying to allow his mom to develop her own relationship with our baby, to the point of letting the baby cry for awhile at things she does not want my mother-in-law to do before stepping in. They are moving far away soon, so I try to let her do things that I ordinarily would be less giving about. Tonight, our baby fell from a sitting position on the floor and hit her head. She was okay but I think it frightened her and she cried at the pain. I was not in the room as I was making dinner while my mother-in-law and other family members played with her. I came at her screams though and wanted to take her to comfort her at which point my mom-in-law held onto her, insisting she was fine and looking very hurt that I was trying to take her away. We had a veritable "tug-of-war" (not too rough) for a moment with the baby. I finally took her and comforted her. I told my mother-in-law that it was "nothing personal" and that I would have taken her from anyone when she was like that, but she was still hurt. Once the baby was okay and my mother-in-law calmed down/came back to the room, I offered the baby back to her. You should know that my mother-in-law is moving a good distance away by her own choice in pursuit of an environment that is better for her health, so I try to be more generous with the baby, but at some points when it gets extreme, I feel I just need to take her. Was I in the wrong? How do I establish boundaries without making a war? This woman is very smart. I do love her. It is hard though because she gets hurt very easily and gets very angry easily too.
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Ok you did exactly the right thing with your mother in law. I think that by telling her in a clear way that while you thank her for welcoming you into her family and being a phenomonal grandmother you need to do things your way so that you can make your own mistakes and raise your daughter your way.
Yes she may get angry or hurt, but point out that the joy of being a grandmother is spoiling your child without dealing with the consequences. Also by setting boundries now you are ensuring your future, what if the move does not work out and your mother in law returns? By setting the boundries now and not allowing your mother in law to get away with too much you are setting the bar.
So stay strong and what you may find most beneficial is that you and your husband sit down and agree on some basic boundries and have him step in from time to time when possible so you are not seen as always being the bad guy.
Hope this helps,
(I always knew I was lucky that my mother in law was already passed on...lol)
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