I'm a 38 year old psychologist living in Nashville, Tennessee. Until shortly over a year ago, I hosted a radio/tv talk show. At the moment, I'm amid plans to start a new one called, " One Man's Opinion". It's a radio show FOR women, ABOUT men, BY a man.
Seeing that alot of issues are age-related, please state your age when posing a question.
E-mail: cmclinphd@hotmail.com
Gender: Male
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation: Psychologist
Age: 38
Member Since: November 30, 2003
Answers: 349
Last Update: September 15, 2009
Visitors: 28385
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OK, Here's the deal. I kind of dated a guy a while back and when we stopped talking, I turned to his ex-girlfriend and found out a lot of stuff about him. It took so long to get over him and I can finally say that I AM OVER HIM for sure. Anway, his ex and I became confidants and we talked trash about him to each other all the time (ya know like girls do) and in a way, I really think that she's to be credited for me getting over him. Well, we were talking one night and I knew that the two of them had slept together when they were dating (they went out for like 2yrs.) and I told her that I was glad that I hadn't slept with him. He was her first and the only guy that she has slept with. She found out not too long ago that she has cervical cancer...she told me this and continued to inform me that her doctor had told her it was from HPV (the std). Ofcourse, she and I are both convinced that this guy is responsible for giving it to her (after all, he is the only guy that she has ever slept with). That's not my only problem: he has no idea that she has cancer and she is sooo scared to tell him. He and I share a mutual friend and that friend just happens to be my best friend (the two of them on the other hand hardly ever talk). So here's where the advice comes in, "our" friend knows about the cancer thing with the girl (he knows her too) and he has been on MY back about it ever since he found out (an accident by the way)...he wants me to tell the guy that he is carrying HPV and that his ex has cancer. I KNOW that he needs to know but why should I have to tell him??? I haven't even seen the guy in six months, he's dating someone now and chances are they're sleeping together. I would hate for someone else to get a venerial disease just because this guy is the selfish slug of a man that he is but i don't know what to do....PLEASE HELP! (link)
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You're right, he does need to know. As well as the young woman with whom he may find himself intimate at the present time. Regardless, this is not the type of information that should come from a third party. One reason being, it is of a very personal nature and he may feel a bit uncomfortable with someone not involved knowing such details regarding his personal life. Also, he may find himself with questions that noone can answer except his ex. You, or anyone else, may not be equipped to field his questions effectively. You say you'd hate for someone else to get it because he's a "selfish slug of a man". You didn't mention if he is AWARE of the disease he's carrying. It could be that he has absolutely no idea, which is not a stretch. the human-papiloma virus manifests itself differently in men than it does women. It may be that he has no physical indications of his affliction.
Lastly, it seems odd to me that you say you have gotten over him, yet you and she sit back and "trash talk him". That...coupled with the fact that you say he's a selfish slug without giving me any reason to say so other than "we stopped talking" tells me that you may not be as over him as you'd like to think. there seems to be an underlying anger that you associate with his name and that anger can't come about as a result of someone that you've let go and moved on from.
As for your friend. Be there for her in any way that you possibly can. But as far as breaking such bad news to the ex, I'd leave that up to her.
God bless her and good luck to you both.
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i posted this question earlier:
what do you do when u fall for you best friend? i know it sounds like the CLASSIC relationship question.. but i really dont know what to do! i have been best friends with this guy for 3 months.. that mite not sound like a long time... but we have grown really close in that time! i like him as more than a friend now and when he starts to talk about who i like... i dont know what to say! he says im shy.. and well i agree.. lol cause im not the foward type to just come out and tell someone that i like them... i dont want to ruin our friend ship by telling him how i feel, but what if he likes me 2 and he wants me to make the first move?? please someone help me..
and id like to thank everyone who answered.. but one more question on that subject.. we go to tha same school and im in 8th and he is in 7th... i know that shouldnt really matter, but ppl will make fun.. what should i do if we do get together and that happens? thanx tons (link)
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If you have to enter into a realtionship concerning yourself about the way others will percieve it, then it's probably not a good idea.
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Is there any way to know how it works that when a person cares about others, that person is overlooked, but if that person doesn't care, more people care about them? I've cared about a lot of people, and when I stopped caring so much, I got more attention AFTER I stopped caring. Is there any logical explanation to this? I'm seventeen and can't seem to get a boyfriend, not that I need one, but it would be nice to have someone special who cares about me. (link)
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Actually, there is. When you care for someone, they have a tendency to take that for granted and no longer feel the need to strive for your concern or caring. But, just like anything else that we, as humans deem valuable, once it's taken away, it's THEN that we realize how important it was. Don't take it personally. A great deal of people do this. But, don't settle for it, either.
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Everytime I am on center stage, for playing an instrument, singing, acting, auditions, giving a speech in front of my class, whatever.... I get soooo nervous. My feet shake, my hands shake so hard it's hard to hold papers or instruments steady and they get really cold. Sometimes I get this nervous twitch above my lip. I don't know any way to get rid of it! And I can't just avoid the stage, because even though I get nervous, I really want to perform. Ugh.
Help! (link)
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What you're describing is a typical case of performance anxiety. Although there are many reasons for it's manifestation, it could be quite simply a product of your eagerness to do well, or your fear of making a mistake. I know this will be wuite long and I do apologize, but I hope that it comtains something that may be of use to you. Please let me know.
If you do not suffer particularly from performance anxiety, count yourself privileged. Anxiety in moderation can be a good thing, helping you to focus all your energy on the task in hand. Clearly, though, if you feel especially uncomfortable when playing or singing (or conducting...) in front of an audience, your performance will suffer.
There are countless ways of coping with the stress of performing, some of which work better for some people than for others. Some have suggested pre-performance exercises of various sorts, from deep breathing to meditation to screaming (quietly if necessary!). Also suggested were longer-term techniques such as the Alexander Method.
Many people suggested (temporary) dietary changes as a means of calming nerves prior to a performance. Indeed, one of the most popular remedies would appear to be the humble banana. Eat a couple of these before you perform and you'll have no problems (or so I'm told) - apparently they contain some sort of natural beta-blocker.
Now for the serious stuff. A number of performers have advocated the use of various drugs as surefire ways of reducing/avoiding anxiety. While it is certainly true that drugs can be effective, it is equally true that their misuse can be highly dangerous. Never use anxiety-reducing drugs unless medically directed.
Beta blockers, such as propranolol (Inderal in the US), block the body's response (reaction) to adrenaline. Propranolol is well recognized as effective in reducing performance anxiety. It is one of the safest drugs ever developed, having been in use for treatment of high blood pressure, angina pectoris, and hyperthyroidism for more than 20 years. Unfortunately, beta blockers have at least one potentially fatal side effect: they will worsen the severity of asthma attacks and may precipitate an attack in an otherwise well controlled asthmatic. Persons with heart failure or mild degrees of heart block should usually not take beta blockers, as they can worsen these problems. Propranolol is supplied both in straight tablet form (taken every 6 to 8 hours) and in a long acting (LA) formulation, so be sure to find out from the prescribing physician how soon before a performance to take the medication.
Corticosteroids, such as Prednisone, work by reducing inflammation through suppression of immune responses. A number of side-effects have been attributed to use of such drugs, including thinning of the skin and redistribution of fatty tissue. Short term use of these drugs (a few days to a couple of weeks) will not usually have such adverse effects, though, given the suppression of immune response, corticosteroids should never be taken when suffering from a bacterial or viral illness.
A book on the subject of performance anxiety which comes highly recommended is `Stage Fright; its causes and cures, with special reference to violin playing' by Kato Havas.
Good luck.....and break a leg ;)
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I have been married to a man I consider my soul mate for eighteen years. We have a 5 year daughter. My father died about a year ago. My husband loved him more than his own father (who is a selfish, egotistical, non-caring male). The loss touched us all greatly. I turned to taking care of my mom (my father's dying wish) and my daughter. I didn't realize that my husband had turned to drugs. On Feb 17, 2003 he was arrested and sentenced to 15 years. His tenative release date is Oct 2013. On Valentine's day (3 days before his arrest) his present to me was a broken leg. I still love this man. He seems to have changed since he has been in jail from the letters that he sends. Ironically it will be Valentine's day before I can see him. He was never violent during the times previous to my father's death. But he built a persona of me in his mind that he seems to hang on to. 10 years is a long time to wait. I have been told by others that he will be a harder person when he gets out. I had returned to school and will get my degree in Spring of 2005. I am not sure if I should remain married to him or not. I am afraid that all the lovely words he is writing is because he is afraid of abandonment. There are a lot of other details too numerous to mention but pertinent to the situation. But because of what he has done I have lost my home, my transportation, and my life. Should I give him a second chance or not? (link)
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My God! First, my condolensces on your loss. I know how devastating it is to lose someone so dear and to have it compounded by extraneous circumstances aside from the passing. My heart truly goes out to you. Now...you say he "turned to drugs" without specifics. However, I would guess, based on the amount of time he received, that it wasn't simple "use". Nevertheless, he is incarcerated. I know it's hard for you to "let go" of both, the marriage and what you have come to know as your life up until now. Eighteen years is a considerable amount of time for ANYONE. But, I wonder if you're hesitant to let go because of your desire to try and rectify what you had, or fear of starting anew without him. If you were my best friend, I would strongly suggest that you never return to ANYONE who felt that violence was an acceptable means of solving things. I would tell you that he "appears" to have changed in jail becuase he's probably feeling very alone, afraid and worthless and needs something tangible to hold onto. That something is YOU. You are comfortable to him. You're all he has left. He knows that the chances of your waiting are slim to none. As a result, he tries everything he can think of to hold on to that which makes him feel most secure, nothing more, nothing less. You sound as if you're very much in touch with the emotional/mental ramifications of being incarcerated and that's a good thing. He WILL be "harder" upon release and unless he receives extensive counseling in regards to his abusive nature, he may continue to do so when he's out.
You've moved on...or, you're in the process of doing so. You're close to having your degree ( Congratulations ), and you seem to have something in mind towards which you are working. I hate to say it, but I believe you have enough in your life right now. Taking on the added emotional burden of an incarcerated and emotionally "needy" spouse could and would only complicate matters. It will be tough, but you should think of what's best for ALL involved, cut the ties and move forward...without him. I'm also thinking that there's alot more that you may have to express in regards to all of this. My personal e mail is displayed here. If you ever feel the desire...or need, to discuss anything, please feel free to drop me a line. I'd be glad to help in anyway I can. Keep your head up. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.
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My friend(not best friend) is moving! What do I do!? She's moving to Florida and she doesn't want to go. her mom is getting remarried. What do i do?
I don't want her to go and she doesnt want to go. (link)
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Sadly, if she's a minor, there's not much either of you can do. Just try to put together a plan of communication ( realistic ) that will carry you both over until the time comes that you can see each other again. See if you can get both of your parents to agree on a plan that would allow one of you to visit the other at a preset time. Hopefully, that will do some good.
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Dildo sword fights are all right arn't they. I'm playing with my cousin ryan. Jon and Adrienne (link)
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You know...I question why you want to participate in ANYTHING of a sexual nature, play, or otherwise, with a member of your family.
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Me & my BFF really wanna pierce our bellybuttons. She's got hers done already, but I can't get mine thru! Any tips?? (link)
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Are you doing this yourself? If so, why don't you go to someone who's trained for such a thing. They know the appropriate locations for optimal penetration whereas you may be trying to pierce an area that's not really accepting to such piercings. If you ARE going to someone professional, ask to see his/her credentials. If they aren't up to par, find someone who is and let them have a shot at it. Regardless, please keep in mind that the navel requires EXTREME care to prevent infection.
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What do boys REALLY like in a girl? All these magazines & stuff say that they love what's inside, not outside. Is this true or is it crap? (link)
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MEN like what's inside. Sadly enough, boys haven't evolved enough to even notice that there IS an inside. So, I guess it all depends on the maturity level of the person. Just pay attention to what they discuss most about you and that should give you the answer.
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There is this guy in one of my classes, and I'm not sure but I think hi MIGHT like me. he's on tha honor role but he's not a nerd. HE's actually kinda cute, but we've only really talked once. we were on a field trip and he just came over and started talking to me. Later I decide to eat lunch with him and he asked if I wanted his oreos. I know that sounds like a question a friend would ask but the way he said it was so sweet a kind (not like other people). So I'm confused. Does he like me or doesn't he. Kinda sounds like a question Shakspere would ask (to be or not to be? That is the question.)
Confused (link)
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Lol, you're not confused, you know he likes you. You even took notice of the way he asked if you wanted his oreos. You simply want someone else to validate what you want to hear. Ok, I validate it, he likes you :) So what do you do about it now? As for Shakespeare, I can hear him saying,
"What light on yonder window breaks?" I would say, it's the light of your face...beaming when you think of him. Go for it....make me and Shakespeare proud.
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what do you do when u fall for you best friend? i know it sounds like the CLASSIC relationship question.. but i really dont know what to do! i have been best friends with this guy for 3 months.. that mite not sound like a long time... but we have grown really close in that time! i like him as more than a friend now and when he starts to talk about who i like... i dont know what to say! he says im shy.. and well i agree.. lol cause im not the foward type to just come out and tell someone that i like them... i dont want to ruin our friend ship by telling him how i feel, but what if he likes me 2 and he wants me to make the first move?? please someone help me.. (link)
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Sweetheart, I do believe he has already made the first move by asking you who it is that you like. You say you have fallen for your best friend...guess what I say? CONGRATULATIONS :) You have found the relationship that people long for. I know you may be shy, but, if he IS truly your best friend, there should be no reason you can't tell him exactly how you feel. Honestly, I think he already knows. So tell him ( in whatever way is comfortable for you ) and enjoy every moment of it.
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i want to do it on prom night but what if my boyfriend forgets a condum i mean should i wait till he gets one or shouldi go make him buy one? (link)
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Under NO circumstances should you have sex without a condom. I would tell you to wait period, but, it seems that you've already made your mind up. With that being said...don't EVER have sex without a condom. I know it's hard to believe, but it could cost you the rest of your life.
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my boyfriend and i had sex 3 days after i got off my period, he bust in me. i don't start until the 15th but do you think there's a chance i could be pregnant if he bust right after i got off my period? (link)
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Yes.
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DOES IT HURT TO HAVE BRAINS THE FIRST TIME IS THERE ANY PAIN FROM THINKING? (link)
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Hmmm, when you get one for the first time. Let me know.
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ok so i have this site right and it shows how to do telekinesis and stuf like psi balls which i can do but with telekinesis i cant shut my subconsious up in or der to consintrate help!!!!!
~Phsycic gurl~ (link)
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ZEN
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I HAVE A RABBIT BUT I HATE RABBITS. I LOVE DOGS, THOUGH. MY GRANDMA (WHOM I LIVE WITH) SAID I COULD HAVE A DOG IF I TOOK CARE OF A RABBIT FIRST. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO. WHAT DO I DO? I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT BUT I REALLY WANT A DOG. (link)
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Then show that you can be mature and take care of the rabbit. It may just be a test to see if you can be responsible. Being responsible OFTEN means that we have to do what we may not want sometimes. A dog is a bigger responsibilty than a rabbit, but no more important. Life is life. But honestly, if you can't fare well with a rabbit, seeing that require so little attention, then honestly, I don't think you'd be ready for a dog. If you really want it, buckle down, take/show responsibility and be the best rabbit owner she's ever seen.
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i am so confused. i have never met my father or any of his family. My mom has told me the story of how they met and has given me a picture, but that just isnt enough. i want to go to sacremento to find my family from his side. should i travel across the country alone? who should i tell? i dont know what to do. where do i belong? (link)
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I don't know. How old are you? Are you a minor? If that's the case, then no, don't go alone. Talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel and you desire to get to know your father. Try to get her to realize just how important it is to you and maybe she'll be more than happy to go with you. If for some reason, she won't, try and make contact in other ways FOR NOW. There's nothing wrong with laying a foundation for the two of you so when you DO get the opportunity to go, there will already be something there to build on. Tell him about you, your life, your likes, dislikes and he can do the same. Write a letter, call, anything. The time will come when you can safely go on your own, and the knowledge you gain before then can only strengthen your first meeting. God bless you. Good luck.
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All my best friend talks about is her computer! Me & my other friends will talk about what we did over the weekend, and "Ellie" will just talk about gigabites, megabites, and that sort of stuff. We don't understand that sorta stuff at all! How can we get her to talk about normal people stuff, like guys, parties, or even her pets?! (link)
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Hmmm, ever thought that maybe she's wondering how to get all of you to talk about RAMS, ROMS, and pixels? We all tend to talk about things that excite US, right? Maybe, your talk is just as boring and foreign to her. It could be that you're bothered by her "sorta' stuff" because you DON'T understand it. SHE may be uncomfortable with what you discuss because she may feel that she doesn't do anything interesting or that she can't compete with your lives. Tell her that you don't understand it and ask if she can explain it. You MIGHT just find it more interesting than you ever thought. Then maybe you can invite her along to experience one of your week-ends and give her a little something extra to talk about.
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Okay, so I've liked this guy for a while, but he wasn't really into having a girlfriend. It took me a while, I'm still hurting, but I've managed to step away for a bit and let him go. If it's meant to be it'll happen, he's a great guy, but it hurts too much to wait. Well, I started to meet new people, and one of them happens to be 20. He's really nice, but kind of strange. I'm not sure if he really likes me, or just wants to get in my pants. Also, he's really depressed and slightly suicidal. Then there's this other guy. He's 17 (i'm 16), and seems nice. I met him through my best friend (a guy), but from what I've heard he's a player and he's also got like, 3 other girls he's flirting with. My friend told me that he's not a cheater, and is looking for a girlfriend... but I dunno. It's just really frustrating! Where are all the really great guys? The ones who can commit? I'd really like to be w/ the first guy, but he may not wanna get together for a while... if ever. I'm just really pissed, where's my price charming? What should I do? I really need some help. Thanks, and srry for the length. (link)
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Prince Charming doesn't exist, hon. He never did. NOONE will ever be everything you need/want in a man. But, you can and should, decide what will make you happy and not take anything less than that from anyone.
As for the one you've liked for a while. You did the right thing, give him some room, let him gather his thoughts. If he comes to you, great. If not, then you'll not have wasted your time.
As for the 20 year old. Hmmmmm, ok. ANY 20 year old who even THINKS about doing anything with a 16 year old is bad news, trust me on this one. You should already consider him a non-factor. Not to mention he's depressed and suicidal. How can anyone who thinks their own life is so unimportant possibly think yours is?
As for the last one. Anyone flirting with three girls at once is a player, hon. I don't care what you call it. If he's truly looking for a girlfriend, his actions should tell you that. He'll stop seeing the others, make himself more available to you, and you won't find yourself having to ask the question, " What should I do". Any time you have to question where to go with someone, then chances are good that there's nowhere to go.
Take your time. You're only 16. What's the rush? Slow down and really take a good look at the guys you meet. Who knows....you may even see one riding up on a horse one day and prove me wrong. But as for now. There are no 16, 17 or 20 year old Prince Charmings.
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ok my girlfriends parents are neo nazi's. she a few bad grades and now shes grounded for over a month... this sux it means i cant do anything for her at all no two month annervirsy no dates no flowers nothig i cant even call her she has to call me...is this complete bullsht... we are trying so hard to stay together and it seems like one thin after another gets in our way we spend more time defending our relationship than atcually having one...her parents are cool but only to my face once i leave they say horriable things to my girlfriend...what can i do ive decided to start writing letters to her by snail mail since i cant see her or talk to her online but other than that i dont know what to do...i could use some help on this if anyone has any bright ideas please pass them my way thank you very much. (link)
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First, I don't think her parents are neo-nazis for grounding her for a couple of bad grades. They're in tune enough to know that she is just to young to realize that the grades that she makes now, will greatly determine the quality of the rest of her life. And hell, she only got a month, lol. My kids bring home a "couple of bad grades" and they stay in the entire six weeks, unitil the next report card proves that they have brought the grades up. As for them not liking you, have you ever asked why? Sit down with them and ask. Believe it or not, they may actually like you alot more than you think. If they don't, then I'm sure it has alot to do with the EFFECTS they see regarding your relationship with their daughter. Honestly, if I thought for one second that my daughter's boyfriend was detrimental to her future in any way, you wouldn't be around long enough for me to talk about you, either behind your back or to yur face. That's how important their daughter's life is to them. Try to understand things from their point of view, and if you can't speak WITH the parents, then show them through your actions that their daughter's future is something that you value, as well, and give them a stronger sense of security. hen they feel that you care for her in the same manner that they do, things should start to get easier. Good luck, I mean that.
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