Belladonna's advice column

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Q: Hey, I was just wondering what you guys thought about a freshman in highschool dating a senior because i've really started to like this guy and he likes me too. Is it too big of an age difference? Will people start spredding rumors about me "giving" him something for him to b going out with me?

You should always do what you want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Don't give up a chance of happiness just because of what other people might think.
Yes, you would have to be willing to deal with rumours. People will probably talk, but then again people always have something to say about anything!

Go for it. =)

Q: im only 15 and i feel like i might be like bisexual.....but im scared everyone might find out and everything ... but i dont know why i feel like this?!!?!

When we are going through adolescence, it is completly normal to develop feelings and attraction to the same sex. It doesn't necessarily mean you are bisexual. These things don't become clear until later in life. But if you are REALLY sure that you are.. and this isn't just a simple attraction to someone of the same sex, then you shouldn't be ashamed. You are definitley not alone.. a big percentage of the population is attracted to the same gender. If you're worried what people might say, then only tell people whom you trust. If they are bothered by it, then they aren't genuine people and not worth an ounce of your time.

Q: Is it bad to give someone pics of you topless, or with lingerie on?

Very. Pictures can come back to haunt you in later life.. or the person could show all his mates. Never EVER take pictures of yourself nude, or make videos (Look at Paris Hilton) no matter how trust-worthy someone is. It's a no-no. It's not a matter of age, or morals, or anything, just simply a matter of what could happen if the pic got into wrong hands. Please give this a little more thought.

Q: ok, well my parents are divoreced and i live with my mom. i see my dad like every other weekend. well lately hes been pressuring me more then usual to move in with him. he even plays guilt trips on me like if i lived with him then he wouldn't have to pay child support(niether would my mom, my sis would stay there), anyway i dont want to live with him cause i know like 2 people there and i'd leave all of my friends(the best in the world, great listeners, mostly). i dont want to hurt my dads feelings but i dont want to live there with him, is there any way i could kind of let him off easy? i'll rate high for good answers.

sorry this is so long.

This is a tricky thing to do, but you're going to have to tell him the truth. It's a little unfair that he's sending you on guilt trips for it, but parents tend to do that when they are seperated. They try and "win" over the children so they'll live with them, and not the other. They'll use the children as a way to get back at each other.
Anyway, tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you really love him and love spending time with him, but you're happy and settled where you are now, and have lots of friends. You could suggest spending more time with him, and doing more activities with him. I'm sure he'd like that.

Q: well i have a problem... every one at school makes fun of me cuz i have like absoulutely no!!! boobs. i cant do anything about it but everyone makes fun of me like its my fault. i have no clue what to do. and the main reason why i have no boobs is because i havent had my period and its not like i can control that either! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

People are awfully shallow, and will pick on you for anything no matter what. Either your boobs are too small or too big (a lot of people get picked on for having big boobs - true fact) so you're never going to please everyone. Everyone gets their period at different stages, it can be from 9 - 15 years old, so don't worry there. It's not like they're completly perfect anyway.

But if you're REALLY self-conscious of it, you can always get a padded bra so it looks like you have more there. Soon enough, though, you'll get your period (which, I might add, you're very fortunate to NOT have right now!) and you'll be on par with everyone.

Good luck.

Q: Does everyone find someone that they love and that loves them?

In romance movies, yes. In reality, hardly ever. You may see 'happy couples' who seem deeply in love, but often it's all just a flimsy facade. Not to sound cynical about love, but true love is a very rare thing to find these days, and more often than not it only exists for one person (as in it's not returned, unrequited)

I'm not saying it isn't possible, because it is! It's just not something you're guaranteed to have in your life. People always say "there's someone out there for everyone" I don't believe this at all. Then again, I'm not a huge believer in destiny. Everything that happens in your life is not already set out.

Let go of the notion that everyone seems happy in love, because if you look closely, it's all an illusion. You may be one of the lucky ones.

Q: have you ever just looked at someone and suddenly you knew everything about them? even though you never talked, but all you could rely on was body movement and eye contact. maybe it's the sound of their voice, or the hidden messages in dreams that suddenly un-fog right infront of your eyes and make you wonder, could it be the future unleshing its self? or maybe high hopes that he just might be your perfect mate.

Don't forget though, appearances are deceiving. You may think you can tell a lot by looking at someone, but when it comes down to it, people are usually a lot different to how they seem.
As for the destiny stuff.. well, if you believe in that it's up to you. I believe dreams can tell us a lot, but not about others. More about ourselves.

Q: Hello. Im in love. Soooo....Ive told two of my close guy friends that I like him (they are pretty good friends with "him" too) and I've been hanging out A LOT with "him" this summer. Both of my guy friends say I should tell him I like him and one of them says that we "radiate" and guessed we liked eachother before I got the chance to tell him that the me-liking-him part was true. I get strong feelings that he likes me back a lot but at the same time i get insecure that he doesnt with some of his actions.

So....Summary:
I dont know if I should tell this guy or not that I like him. Dont guys make the first move? I really want something to happen but Ive had my heart broken before and I dont really want that to happen again. If he liked me wouldnt he be doing something?
Ive been hanging out with him for about 3 months but the whole crush thing started about a month ago.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!

You can't always wait for the guy to make the first move. In this day and age, girls make the first move too. Alternatively, you could hold your tongue and he coud get someone else and you've missed your chance. He could just be shy or afraid of rejection. I think you should totally make the first move or else you'll never for sure how he feels. Start slowly if you like.. ask him to see a movie and see how it progresses from there. You don't have to tell him right away that you like him. Start flirting with him too and see how he responds to that.

Good luck.

Q: ok so there is this guy in my summerschool class and we have been talkin to each other latley and im finding myself having feelings for him and i think he feels the same but now its like he is to scared to talk to me so what should i do???i will rate

The reason he seems scared to talk to you is probably because he's shy. He's probably completly confident around others, but when it comes to you he appears standoffish. That's a good sign! It sounds like he does like you.

You should make the first move with him. If he's shy, he won't.. and when summer is over, you'll regret it. Ask him if he wants to do something on the weekend, like see a movie. Say it really casually. If you don't want to jump to that point yet, ask him for his AIM s/n. People tend to talk more online than in real life.

Good luck.

Q: well there is this guy i like and he has a girlfriend he knows i like him and i have liked him going on 3 years but he keeps getting girlfriends he promised me we would go to this amusement park in our city and then when we planned to go with my best friend he said he wouldnt go unless another guy went with us and so he went and spent the night at a guys house and the worst thing about that night was it was my birthday, what should i say to him and how can i tell if he likes me back??
i will rate high!!

Sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but it sounds like he's playing you along. If he liked you back, he wouldn't keep getting other girlfriends. It sounds to me like he just likes having you like him and he appreciates the attention. The fact that he went to a guy's place on your BIRTHDAY is quite an awful thing to do.

You should tell him that you're angry he missed your birthday and you want to know once and for all where you stand with him. It's been 3 years, you deserve to know. Don't stand for anymore of his promises. You deserve better.

Q: Ive had this best guy friend for a while. We went out a few years ago, and it lasted fr over a year, things got rocky, and we're still very good friends.

But recently it's been obvious that theres been attraction between the two of us. We hung out the other day and one thing led to another and we got to the point of almost having sex. I stopped it and went home. Tomorrow we are hanging out together again, and i know the same is going to happen. The thing is, i REALLY want to have sex with him because we had such a great relationship, but it just feels funny.

Would it be be wrong and "slutty" of me to do so?

You really shouldn't have sex unless you're in a committed loving relationship. "Friends with advantages" is a really bad idea usually, and you could end up regretting it. It wouldn't be wrong or slutty at all - in the end it's completley up to you. But since it feels funny, it sounds like you have a bit of doubt, and any bit of doubt means you aren't ready.

If you both still have feelings for one another, you could always give the relationship another shot.

Q: Gender: male Age: 16
Me and my gf havent exactly been getting along we cant talk much it neva works, we hug sometimes, and we dont do anything else either because there was a problem and we said we'd work it out but obviously not and im a shy guy and i get pretty depressed often and today one of her friends(also friend of mine) told me my gf wants me to stop me getting into depressive moods and make more of an effort to make the first moves or she will dump me. And then her friend also told me that she also liked another 2 guys and she things my gf is just using me.
But when i was 1st goin out with her i have neva been as happy and im not sure i wanna give up on her and thus lose that happiness.
What do u think? am i just being stupid?
and if u think i should dump her please tell me.
How?

Firstly, you should never totally depend on someone for happiness. That's a no-no. Especially when you're a teenager, as inevitably, teenage relationships don't last forever. Don't just stay with her because you're relying on her for happiness. In the long run, it'll probably do you more harm than good. =/

As for dumping her.. well, it doesn't sound like things are working out, but you could give it one more try and have a serious talk with one another, discuss what's wrong with the relationship and try and work through it. Tell her that you can't control your depressive moods, it's ridiculous she wants you to stop being depressed. If she can't accept you for who you are, then the relationship is pretty messed up anyway. As for her friend telling you that she's using you, I can't exactly see what she could be using you for if you don't do anything. I doubt she's using you. I don't know if she's liked other guys, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Her friend could be lying because she's jealous or just wants to stir things up.

Good luck.

Q: I was downloading a musci video thing fro, limewire and i was just about to watch it when these windows popped up saying like STOLEN. And all this stuff and it was really weird like i Stole it or something. Am I gonna be in trouble or something?? Cuz im kina scared. lol. Please help! xoxo

I wouldn't worry. Not that I'm not trying to encourage downloading or anything, but 90 % of online users do it, and how many get in trouble for it? I think you can only get in trouble if you try and sell the music or something and profit off it. I could be wrong, but I really doubt anything will happen. Don't worry for now.

Q: OK, this August I am starting highschool. I am in the honors program, and all my life i have gone to a Catholic school. It was a very comfortable environment. I knew everybody and was liked by everybody, and I did my work very easily. I didnt really have to work that hard at all. I loved the school I went to, the teachers were great and I learned a lot. But it makes it that much harder to go into highschool. I am going to a catholic high school too. I get stressed easily. How will I get used to the hard work, and the homework? My older sister is in that school, and she is SOOOOO smart. I feel like i have to be as good as her. How will i handle the work? I NEED HELP

If you're in the honors program, then they obviously think you're intelligent enough to handle it. The workload will seem a little much at first, but that's just because of the transition from Middle School to high school. You'll get used to it soon enough. It'll take a while for you to settle in to high school as well in general. But it gives you a chance to have a whole new fresh start and make many new friends.

Just make sure you balance work time with leisure time. Don't think you need to give away any of your life just because you feel you need to work hard. Don't allow yourself to get too stressed out by the work - work in a nice, comfortable atmosphere. Put your favourite CD on and light some candles. The sooner your work is done, the sooner you can go and have fun.
It'll be scary at first and may seem overbearing, but in a few months you'll be so used to it you won't even notice there's more work or it's a little more difficult.

All the best. =)

Q: I posted this to a single person, before I knew it could be answered by anybody with an account;
I am a 17 year old male, and came across your site by accident, or possibly fate. I have a big social problem. I've always been described as "the different one". I was always the one who did his work in class, or didn't do things exactly the same way as everybody else. I was just different like that since primary school. (I'll just say at this point that I'm not gay. A lot of people ask that when you say you're "different") The problem is, I've never been able to shake certain difficulties I've had as a result of being unusual. So now I find myself at 17; I've never been to a party where I've drunk. I've never been kissed. I've never had a girlfriend. Nobody knows who I am, nobody seems to care. I find it difficult to make friends, because I feel socially awkward, because everybody expects me to know things that I don't, because I never developed those social skills. Most of the friends I do have are the poisonous kind. They will be friendly some days, but only because it benefits them. At other times they seem totally unfriendly. I feel like I'm tied into keeping them, because it's not as easy as just pretending they don't exist, and if I alienated them, then I wouldn't have anybody left.
I don't want to become "normal" (if that exists as something to become), I would just like to know how I can fit better into the social structure of school life, and develop general social skills. I feel like I got expelled from the school of social interaction as a kid, and now I've found out there's no adult ed. class.
Thanks,
SilentOne

Dear SilentOne,

I can totally relate to how you feel. I was always the "different" one in high school, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn't. First and foremost, you should never change to fit in with others. This means doing things that you know is uncharacteristic for you. Always stay true to yourself no matter what. Being different is much better than being ordinary and like everyone else - it's something that's very valued when you get out into the real world.

My advice to you for now is to find people who you share common ground with. I'm sure there are others like you out there, who probably feel as lost and alienated as you do. People may give the impression that they don't want to talk, but you'll find people just are waiting for someone to make the "first move". You've got to meet people halfway. It may be scary at first, but you'll become comfortable in no time. Start small at first - just make yourself known.

How about joining a school club or doing an extra-curricular activity with people that share your hobbies? It's a great way to meet people. If you find yourself having difficulty speaking to people, why not get their IM? IM is a much less awkward way of getting to know people without having to deal with confrontation.

I read somewhere that if you play out situations in your head, like if you imagine yourself to be confident in a social situation, it'll help you echo this into real life. Try it, it really works!

Good luck.

Q: their is this gurl that i met on the internet and i think i rlly love her im 13 and she 25 but she thinks im 21 she says she really loves me but we are supose to meet in a few days n i duno what 2 do if she rlly loves me it shouldnt matter that im like 13 right? plz help me.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're going to have to tell her the truth. It's so easy to lie online and so many people do it. Unfortunately, sooner or later you have to fess up. She's 25 years old, and you're only 13. A (normal) 25 year old woman wouldn't date a 13 year old no matter what. I'm sure she'll be a little mad, but if you explain to her why you lied and that you're really sorry, she might forgive you and stay friends. I hope you've learned from this too.. lying always comes back to haunt you eventually. =/

Q: Ok i just met this guy a little bit ago and i have just startd to have feelings for him but there are some problems he is 19 and i'm 15 and he doesnt know i like him but i want to tell him...and but i dont think he will be interestd cuz of the age what should i do??

I don't know what state you live in, but I'm pretty sure 15 isn't the consensual age anywhere. A lot of people don't care about this, but it can lead to a lot of serious trouble, especially for him. Your mom might find out and charge him. Older guys always seem more attractive because they tend to be more mature than guys your own age.. but they're also more experienced. He might expect more than you're willing to do, just because he's used to getting it.

I think the age difference is the only thing that could hold him back from starting anything with you. Wait until you turn 16 and then it's legal (in most states, I think. Well.. it is here in Australia) because I doubt he'd start anything with you now (and if he did, I'd be concerned about what his motives were)

Q: 13/m I masturbate sometimes but sometimes i feel bad about it. Is it a sin? Is this normal?

I'll be honest, a lot of religions discourage it. But you should make your own decision about things. There's no-where in the bible saying it's a sin, but it has been interpreted to be one. But everyone does it anyway, even Christians. It's totally normal and healthy, and helps you learn what pleasures you and also helps to get rid of some of those sexual urges. There's no need to stop.

Q: About a week ago, I told my mom and my sister that we should go see the movie "Bewitched" since we used to watch 70's version of this late at night on TV together. When I said this I meant for us to "set a date" to go see a movie. My mom called me earlier and said she wanted to watch this movie now. I am 31 years old and have a family of my own. I also have other plans to do tonight although my plans aren't that important. Anyways, I told her that I have a headache and that they should just go ahead and watch without me. I felt bad because I was the one who originally asked them to see this movie...It's just that I didn't expect it to be today....It's a long weekend...I just went out and watch a movie with my kids, went to a baby shower and I'm kind of tired and wanted to rest and then maybe do some grocery shopping later tonight. Was I wrong for saying no?...I really feel bad and my guts says I should've just gone with them....

No, not at all! She didn't leave you enough time, among other things. It's very short notice calling you up on the actual day. I'm sure she understands you have a lot on your plate right now, and being a mom isn't an easy job. You shouldn't feel guilty about it at all.. I doubt they gave a second thought about it!

Why not ask if they'd like to do something this weekend to make up for it? Plan ahead this time, so you know exactly what you have going on.

Q: ALRIGHT PEOPLE! I need your help! Alright well there is this guy and I think I have a crush on him! butt.. he is like a really horny person.. and like if i ever did go out with him (which I doubt) im afraid hed use me! But i think itd be fun to go out with him! and I have a crush on him.. and hes funny and everything! but I dont want him just to use me for stuff.. and I already told him if I do anything sexual with anyone they are gona be my boyfriend.. what if some how we do end up goin out.. how do I know he isnt using me? But also how do I make him like me for me and not just for sexual stuff!!

Most teenage guys are horny, just a lot know how to hide it around girls..lol. I doubt, though, he'd get into a relationship just to use you. Most people don't bother with that effort, as they can get sex from elsewhere if they really want it. I guess you can't ever know someone's intentions, but he does deserve the benefit of the doubt, doesn't he? Unless there's a logical reason, assume that he really does like you and is not using you. You have no reason not to trust him.

Try getting one of your/his friends to ask what he thinks of you, and see how he answers. That'll give you a clear indication on where you stand with him, and whether he sees you as more than just a "peice of ass" (so to speak!)

Good luck!