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Social interaction
I posted this to a single person, before I knew it could be answered by anybody with an account;
I am a 17 year old male, and came across your site by accident, or possibly fate. I have a big social problem. I've always been described as "the different one". I was always the one who did his work in class, or didn't do things exactly the same way as everybody else. I was just different like that since primary school. (I'll just say at this point that I'm not gay. A lot of people ask that when you say you're "different") The problem is, I've never been able to shake certain difficulties I've had as a result of being unusual. So now I find myself at 17; I've never been to a party where I've drunk. I've never been kissed. I've never had a girlfriend. Nobody knows who I am, nobody seems to care. I find it difficult to make friends, because I feel socially awkward, because everybody expects me to know things that I don't, because I never developed those social skills. Most of the friends I do have are the poisonous kind. They will be friendly some days, but only because it benefits them. At other times they seem totally unfriendly. I feel like I'm tied into keeping them, because it's not as easy as just pretending they don't exist, and if I alienated them, then I wouldn't have anybody left.
I don't want to become "normal" (if that exists as something to become), I would just like to know how I can fit better into the social structure of school life, and develop general social skills. I feel like I got expelled from the school of social interaction as a kid, and now I've found out there's no adult ed. class.
Thanks,
SilentOne
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Maybe give some free advice about: Etiquette?
I can sympathize, because I went through the exact same thing. It's hard to be a thinker; that's not a quality that is valued in America these days.
It's possible, but not very likely, that you have a touch of Asperger's Syndrome. More likely you're just smart, and shy, and a bit geeky.
Are you going to go to college? Because that's often a time where smart people can really flower. Intelligence is MUCH more valued on campus, and you're more likely to find people like yourself.
As for developing general social skills...personally, I found a hobby that I really enjoyed (games), and did it a LOT with other people in college. That really improved my comfort level with people. It helps when you have a specific topic to talk about, know what I mean?
Apart from that, cultivate your own sense of self-worth. If friends treat you badly, they're not friends. It's painful to cut off even a tainted social connection, but that sort of thing can really poison your mind. If you hang out with people who don't respect you, how can you respect yourself?
But I won't pretend it isn't really hard. I guess the best thing is that you're 17, so you're probably past the very worst of it. Even if you don't go to college, high school is an artificial and bizarre environment which seems practically designed to torture sensitive, shy, intelligent people.
In other words, hang on. It'll get better.
Oh, and whatever you do, try not to build up women into some impossible romantic ideal. I've known too many guys who didn't kiss a girl or go on a date throughout their 20s or longer, and it really screwed up their lives. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 33, and I can tell you this: if I'd known how easy it was, and how easy sex was, I'd have started a LOT earlier.
It's really no big thing, you see? But with your background, and in our culture, you're at risk of seeing it as some sort of Holy Grail that will change you forever. You'll probably have more confidence after you lose your virginity, but it DOESN'T change who you are. You'll still be you.
Just happier, probably. :D
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Hey im so sorry. I dont have any answers to this question. I wish you all my best
<3
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hey,
i know exactly what you mean.
i was in very similar situtations..ive never gotten drunk, and i barely go to any parties..and i used to be very shy
what ive done is just learn to be myself around people. most highschoolers are very immature..but there are some like you, who are quiet, and dont say much.
a lot of people havent been in a relationship at your age...maybe its just that youdont like a lot of the girls at your school...if you do like a girl.
i think you just need the confidence to talk to people, and dont try to totally fit in with the crowd. be yourself...people will respect you for that.
working out can help you feel better about yourself, and can help you to get confidence
i assume you are going back too school? when your in a class, just start some small talk with the people around you. "hi, my name is...." easy things like that. and as the year goes along, you'll probably find yourself being more friendly with people, and talking more.
you also want to look aprochable..dont mop around, and look at the floor when you, look straight ahead, and look around with a sort of smile on your face.
also, if there is a club that interests you, you should join it. thats always agreat way to make new friends
theres a website called myspace.com
maybe youve heard about it?
its a great way too meet new people..and you find a lot of people from your area.
im on there (if u wanna check it out).. www.myspace.com/dont_wake_the_memories
anyways, i hope i helped you out a little.
feel free to chat with me online if you have more problems you want to talk about
aim- xx Just My Luck
msn- nicolex696x@hotmail.com
yahoo- nicolex696x
<3-Nicole
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For starters, don't worry that you have never had a girlfriend or been drunk at a party. I survived high school without going to any "typical high school" parties, and after seeing some friends who did, I can honestly say that I much happier having not gone to any.
I would also tell you not to worry so much in high school It sucks a lot having few friends, I know that very well. But once you get out of high school, people tend to mature and act like human beings as opposed to animals. Maybe go to social events involving people who are already out of high school. They tend to be more mature and have a better idea of what is important in life.
Just stick it out and don't worry. Your time will come and you will meet people who are just as awkward as you are and you can all laugh about it together.
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you do sound very intelligent, and i do feel the need to say that most highschool students are immature, untrustworthy, idiots, that you dont want as friends. i think that what you need to do is join some sort of after school club or something like that, that youre interested in. that way the people there share the same interests as you. there wont be a lot of people, so it wont be akward and i guarantee youll make new friends you can count on and have fun with. i also feel the need to say that you really need to *dump* your old "friends" i know its a lot harder to do than it sounds, but like i said, join a club and make some new friends you like. it will boost your confidence having good friends and it wont be so hard shaking the crappy ones. you dont need to force yourself to be with other people you dont like to make you happy..when its obviously not making you happy anyway. you also dont need to impress anyone (so dont try..just be yourself. as if you havent heard that enough) because im going to ask you..who does it all matter to in the end? plus, you say youve never drank at a party..well good for you. your my new hero. you didnt conform like the rest of the world, and you havent killed any brain cells. good job. you havent made an idiot of yorself, or said things you shouldnt have. by saying you havent had a girlfriend, that just means you havent settled for what you can get. once you do get a girlfriend its going to be very very special. but *never settle for second best* always shoot for what you want and if you dont get it, just keep on trying. haha off topic a little but that reminded me of joe dirt when hes like "just keep on keepin on, lifes a garden dig it." anyway, i hope you dont change because i can tell your a very special person, your girlfriend will be very lucky, and the people who chose not to be your friend are missing out. good luck with everything :) i hope you become happy
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ok. Mr. silent one. i dont see the drunk thing as a bad thing, Nore the girlfriend or the kiss. Just you dont like any of the girls around. send me the link to that website. oh and Maybe your just she. IF YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO FIT IN REMEMBER THIS
**THE BEST WAY TO FIT IN IS TO STAND OUT***.
AT my school im know for haveing a million odd talents(fyi i have few enimies). I can do magic/card tricks, make ballon animals, awesome at basketball, am exteamly smart, etc.. but the point is use what your good at to make yourself stand out and then people will notice you. oh and maybe you dont have friends because you wont let yourself get close to people. idk. hope i helped
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Tutor the popular kids.
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Dear SilentOne,
I can totally relate to how you feel. I was always the "different" one in high school, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn't. First and foremost, you should never change to fit in with others. This means doing things that you know is uncharacteristic for you. Always stay true to yourself no matter what. Being different is much better than being ordinary and like everyone else - it's something that's very valued when you get out into the real world.
My advice to you for now is to find people who you share common ground with. I'm sure there are others like you out there, who probably feel as lost and alienated as you do. People may give the impression that they don't want to talk, but you'll find people just are waiting for someone to make the "first move". You've got to meet people halfway. It may be scary at first, but you'll become comfortable in no time. Start small at first - just make yourself known.
How about joining a school club or doing an extra-curricular activity with people that share your hobbies? It's a great way to meet people. If you find yourself having difficulty speaking to people, why not get their IM? IM is a much less awkward way of getting to know people without having to deal with confrontation.
I read somewhere that if you play out situations in your head, like if you imagine yourself to be confident in a social situation, it'll help you echo this into real life. Try it, it really works!
Good luck.
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