marinemom24's advice column

askmarinemom24

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: ok. I'll just tell the story. There's this guy in my health class, and everyday he would always look at me. Not just in health, either. In the hallway(s), and in lunch. Also, in health he would always give me these weird/cute/adorable faces. They were so cute! Anyways, I have this friend, let's call him jimmy (that's not his name, but it's risky to say his name) and he's also friends with mike (again, let's just call him that). Jimmy is VERY good with secrets, AND he's my friend, so I thought I'd tell him. I did. He said that he'd ask mike if he liked anybody, and (apparently) mike said he didnt. Later that day, I was talking to jimmy, and he told me that somehow mike had found out about it, and said that I was ugly and that he would never date me. So (of course, being me) I asked mike about it. Apparently, he didnt say that. I actually believe him more. He is a much nicer and more reliable guy, AND jimmy used to like me, so I thought he'd just be jealous or something. About an hour later (this was all on facebook, by the way) I got back on, and saw that Mike was still online. So I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I was accusing him of anything, I just wanted to clear it all up. He said it was ok. So I told him I had to ask him something, and he said ok. I asked "how did you find out? Did I make it obvious, or did someone tell you?" he replied, "tell me what?" I again, asked "how did you know I liked you? Was it obvious, or did someone tell you?" he said, "i didnt" So apparently, jimmy had lied about everything. AND I basically just told mike I liked him. Wonderful. The thing of it is, even after he knew, he'd still look at me in health AND in the hallways. He'd also still make those cute faces. My friend told me (she would NOT lie about this) that he kept looking at me with a "longing" look (whatever that meant). I was talking to jimmy on facebook later that day, and he said "yeah, I asked him today, and he said he didnt like you." I didn't want to go through this again. Although this time, I AGAIN believed him, I still had my doubts considering he lied before. After about an hour, mike sent me something. I was so scared to open it, so I basically just sat there staring at the screen for about 5 minutes. (haha) After I decided to open it, he had said "i dont like you im sorry." the gotten off. I was like, "wtf? im so confused now!" I was planning on explaining to him exactly what i was thinking about all this, and turns out, he blocked me. Not only did he block me, but jimmy (my FRIEND) blocked me too. I didnt understand why, considering he was actually my friend. I was telling one of my other friends about this, and he said that maybe (just maybe) jimmy had gotten onto mike's facebook account (yeah, i doubt that). I just dont understand what/why he would bother to look at me CONSTANTLY or give me those weird looks. I know, he may just be trying to be my friend or something, but it doesnt make any sense. Especially that one day when my friend said he kept looking at me, (because I saw that too).

Wow, first I'd like to say this is a very long, complicated story :) Which leads me to my advice. It sounds to me like your guy friend ("Jimmy") might have a thing for you and is not being completely honest with you. Relying on others to play matchmaker is sometimes okay, but in this case I don't think that's going to work. My advice would be to totally eliminate the guy friend from the mix and let things take a natural progression. There are ways to let a guy know you like him. If you are really interested in this other guy send him some "longing, cute" looks back his way. Learn how to flirt because it's sounds like that's what "Mike" is doing with you. Resist the temptation to confide in "Jimmy" because it's gotten you nowhere so far. Good luck!

Q: Hey! I'm a fifteen year old girl, sophomore. Okay well the thing, I have this thing where I get really uncomfortable with people man handling me... Haha I'm around 5'5 and I wiegh a little over a hundred pounds (106?) so I'm not big and I'm not strong. See I wasnt exactly raped but oneof my ex boyfriends did force me to give him a hj and held ne down and fingered me against my will. He also hit me a few times.. Only my closest friends know about this. Its just made me really paranoid when a guy grabs me... I'm scared (irrationally,probably) that they'll do something to me even if it's one of my friends and were out in public.. My immediate response is I just shut down. I basically try to make myself as small as possible and shut my eyes and then it gets hard to breathe. I just don't know what to do. And I have one guy friend thar does this a lot and it really freaks me out, just the smallest thing like holding me back from getting shotgun... I don't wanna tell ppl what happened to me but they'll get suspicious of me being so uncomfortable with such a small thing... What's wrong with ne and what do I do??

Please realize you are NOT being irrational in any way. You were attacked and abused, plain and simple, and that is devistating to anyone. Of course this is going to affect the way you react to being touched. Your description of shutting down and making yourself small is common for people who have been raped, beaten or been in a violent situation and can also be a symptom of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). This is a very real disorder and I suggest you do not keep this to yourself. Please tell someone what has happened to you. Do you have a favorite teacher or school guidance counselor you feel comfortable with? There are ways of dealing with this but you will need someone's help. If you continue to ignore it and hope it goes away it can become a life long issue that will effect your relationships in the future. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck to you!

Q: i have been on birth control for 1 in half years i think and i stoped taking it i got my period a week a go and now its back i hear its normal to get it a week after you stop taking it and i was wondering if it last the whole week. i hate having my period but i had to pay for my own birth control and i know this is a bad idea considering i am sexually active but half of the reason i was on it is because of my period but i think it would be normal. my way of not getting pregnant would not having sex at all because it would just be a bad situation if i did get pregnant.

You mention having to pay for your own birth control. Have you tried going to Planned Parenthood? They charge a very minimal charge and in many cases it's free. Also, if you are having sex with one consistent partner consider asking that he help with cost. It's only fair that he does. If you were to get pregnant would he leave you to pay for an abortion or raise the child yourself? Considering the cost of raising a baby, helping to pay for birth control is far less costly. And I agree, having a period is a real pain! Good luck!

Q: My boyfriend is living at my parents house, with no job. he takes care of our baby until I get home. But always gets angry in the morning bc he doesnt want to get up so he trys to make her sleep more when she should be unswaddled and eating cereal. I am lucky to have a family business to work at, so that is how we make our money. Problem is, he isnt really looking for a job at all. and he is planning on driving to another city with my car 3 times a week for school. which is no biggie, but we need the money for gas. When she was born I was so happy at home waking up with her in the morning, playing with her all day. Now im not allowed to look at her before I leave bc she "might go back to sleep". This cant be good for my daughter. Lately i find myself sobbing bc I am the one who shuld be home or even working part time. I did everything. He only cleans his area, never does laundry or wash bottles. and never gives her cereal. She loves him to death, but he is taking the role as mommy and sucking at it. I basically just dont know what to do. If i say anything then I am "a stupid bitch". I dont have to say a whole sentance before he starts saying "omg just stop your being crazy stop stop" like im not kidding you, i come at him calm..."hey...maybe you should get up with her shes ready to play" "omg shut up you dont know anything" God i dk what to do. I love him to death but he can be so mean, and my mom is going broke and he is always talking crap on her and her boyfriend bc they are always up our butts wanting to see the baby...he talks about my whole family...they are kind of annoying but they are helping us so much and he is so ungrateful. but he can be so sweet....i dont remember the last time he was but I know its in there and I just want this to work out so bad, I dont want the advice telling me to leave I want to know how to fix this. please, im so depressed and i cant handle it im bawling right now i just want to hold my baby and she barley even likes me anymore. this was not how it was supposed to be and hes completely oblivious.

Okay, you've already stated that you don't want to hear that you should leave him or kick his butt out. I'm not gonna lie, because that would have been my first response. But, seeing how you obviously love this guy and want to make it work then I would suggest couples counseling. Many towns and cities have teenaged parenting classes. If he doesn't want to go with you then make plans to go on your own. I know, I know, you're already saying that your time is so limited but if you want to make things better I see this as the only way. Honestly this guys sounds like a spoiled baby so essentially you are raising 2 children and that would overwhelm anyone. The fact that he yells at you and calls you names is abusive and shouldn't be allowed to continue. And if he's doing this in front of your baby that can be considered child abuse. Start by talking to your baby's pediatrician and tell him/her what's been going on. Your doctor can be a great source of information and can quite possibly know of some resources for you. I'd hate for your Mom to finally have enough of this guy's nonsense and kick you all out. Then where would any of you be? I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!

Q: I constantly strugle with lifes demands .I work two jobs and I find myself always on everybodys time but my own .I have to work two jobs just to make it .and the economy sucks right now iv been looking for a better job but I'm always over qualifide .and I'm too tired physicaly and emotionaly drained .I took a week off from one job on vacation .and I couldn't even get out of bed to do anything .sometimes I feel like just giving up .but I still keep shuveling the shit that I'm delt every day .its to the point where I hate coustomers because they won't leave me alone .I know that sounds pathetic but its the truth .I finde myself hateing myself .and just don't want to deal with it anymore but I have too .I have to force myself out of bed just to go to work .so what's the matter with me ?? Is it just me or a reason I fell this way .too tired too even finish this .

Unfortunately the economy is such that many of us have to take on more than one job in order to pay our bills. The pressures of life, jobs, family can all become more than we can bare. In your particular case, however, I wonder if there is a possibility that you are depressed? Exhaustion, self-hatred and anger can all be signs of depression. This time of year doesn't help much either. With the holidays fast approaching and the lack of sunshine it's often a very difficult emotional time for many people. Please talk to your doctor about your signs and symptoms. There is medication available for depression and SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I truly hope this helps. Good luck!

Q: I need to know what jobs are good for these kind of people. I cannot work in retail or some place with a lot of people :/ Just big places...freak me out.

I'm currently trying my best to go to school to be a travel agent, or a pet groomer...

Have you thought about at home phone work? Many companies look for people to answer customer questions and complaints or take orders from home. Or, since you're planning on going to school for pet grooming why not try working in a veterinary clinic or at a local pet shelter. Incidently, social anxiety disorder is a very real disability and there are medications available. Please talk to your doctor. He or she should be able to help you.

Q: I don't understand why like every time I take my underwear off there always so wet from my vagina it's not piss it that white stuff and my vaginas ALWAYS wet and I don't get why!?

It sounds like there's a possibility you might have a yeast infection. I suggest you go to a gynecologist as soon as you can. Even if it's not a yeast infection a doctor can take a look and ask you questions to get a better idea what might being going on. Untreated yeast infections can cause more serious problems. If cost is an issue Planned Parenthood charges on a sliding scale and is quite affordable. Hope this helps!

**Please note that I said there's a "possibility" of a yeast infection. And, by the way, virgins can still get yeast infections as they are not considered STD's. There are many causes of yeast infections. I still say that the best thing to do would be to see a gynecologist to see what's going on. Gynecologists are professionals. You obviously asked for advice because this was something that was concerning you. When it comes to your health I would be cautious of taking the advice of people who's answers are filled with misspellings. Perhaps their advice is filled with misguided information as well.

Q: I hate high school. I'm 18, I'm more mature then people in my school, and I'm in all these boring advanced classes that are jokes. I'm not learning anything, and I hate my friends! They are annoying and we've grown apart. I want to try to graduate early or take my English class online or at a community college. I'm wondering, from people who have done this.. (basically taking an online class) is it easy, is it hard, is it a lot of work, anything you want to tell me about it would be great:)

Your best bet would be to talk to your guidance counselor asap. He or she can help you decide if it's even possible for you to double up on classes if need be. It also depends on how many credits you have at this point. Just because your classes seem easy doesn't mean that you have the credits required to graduate early. On a side note I'd like to say you should enjoy high school while you're there. Once you're out in the "real world" you'll appreciate those care-free high school days. Trust me, I know this :)

Q: So recently I got a job working at bubba gump shrimp resturant as a hostess I'm still in the training process so I have not gotten paid yet. This particular resturant is a chain I i work in the one in new York City times quare it's always crazy busy especially at this Christmas season. I get paid 8.25 an hour plus a percentage of what the resturant makes. All hostess share 25 percent of the restaurants profit. When i ask how much is average the managers or trainers just say don't worry about it. I'm anxious to find out so my question is does any one know someone who works there or works there themselves I would really like to find out.

As a waitress/hostess, you're actually getting a pretty good hourly wage. I can understand your wanting to know how much extra (percentage wise) you should expect, but I feel the manager is not going to be anxious to let you know. He or she is probably waiting to see how well you perform your job. He could be thinking you might not work as hard if you know you're guaranteed an additional hundred dollars or more just to show up. I say do the best job you know how, be friendly and courteous to customers and it'll pay off in the end. You'll be serving hundreds of tourists on a daily basis and that can add up to good money.

Q: Hello my mothers friend is 30 and she has a rare form of breast cancer. The doctors have told her she only has about 3 years left to live. They want to get her into this experimental treatment that so far shows a success rate of 50% of increasing her life span by 6 months. All of her doctor visits are really getting expensive right now its up to $3000 a week and that doesn't include any blood tests, scans, or medications. She has a 2 year old daughter and starting to get her things in order and prepare for death. I know there is no cure for cancer but i'm hoping with these treatments it will expand her life. We're holding a benefit dinner this weekend for her and we have cans placed around local businesses for donations. Is there any other way I can raise money for her so she can help pay these medical bills. She's basically given up because she cant afford to go to the hospital and get chemo, and the experimental test insurance wont cover it. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks and please keep Melanie in your prayers!

First I'd like to say what a wonderful thing it is your doing for your mother's friend. The cost of health care (especially for the uninsured) is astronomical in this country. How very sad that someone can only sit around and wait to die because they can't afford proper treatment. As for ways to raise more money, did you think about adding a bake sale? Have you tried contacting businesses in your area to see if they'd be willing to donate items to auction off? You can sell tickets for a silent auction. Do you have a "celebrity" in your town who might be willing to donate their talents? Even small towns have local musicians, comedians, etc. You said the benefit dinner is this weekend and the things I've mentioned will take longer than a day to accomplish but perhaps you can coordinate other events after the holiday. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Q: So my hair is a natural dark, ash blonde. I went to the salon today and picked a color (dark blonde) to fix up my roots as my color was still light from the summer. To my horror, my color came out dark brown. My hairdresser said that it should fade a little because it was not permanent, and if I wanted she could do highlights for another $25. I really do not like my hair this dark, and I do not know what to do; if I go one number lighter, it is too light and brassy and orangey. But, I'm afraid that if I do highlights it will just look bad and streaky and still do dark. Will any home dyes (ex. clairol natural instincts brass free) work without turning my hair brassy? I really don't want to pay extra to fix my hair for something that is not my fault... Please help!

It sounds to me like your hairdresser wasn't very experienced in proper haircolor techniques. And, she or he should have made it right for you at no cost. The fact that you were offered highlights for an additional $25 was ridiculous. If it's true that the haircolor isn't permenant then it will wash out after awhile. Don't try to do anything to your hair right now. You really don't want to make it go from bad to worse. In the meantime, I'd contact the manager of the salon and voice your complaints. Find a new salon where the hairdressers are more experienced. Good luck!

Q: Can jumping up and down cause abortion?

No. Simply put, you can't shake a good apple off a tree. Before abortion was legal it wasn't uncommon for young women to deliberately fall down flights of stairs in an attempt to abort their unwanted babies. This almost always only caused seriously injury to the mother. If you find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy there are places to turn. Have you thought about adoption? You don't say how old you are but do you have a parent or another adult to confide in? Planned Parenthood is there to help as well. Good luck!

Q: Ok i want a new tattoo but i have so many ideas i dont know what to get, i love zebra and lepord print and color things but i also want to get some meaningful words because im a strong and loving person. I was like somwhere on my foot or something. I could really really use some ideas and pics of cute things like asap oh by the way im 19/f if that helps all suggestions are welcome :) thank you!

Tattoos have definitely become more mainstream and acceptable than they once were. I have several tattoos and get compliments about them often. The best advice I can give you is to think long and hard about what you want your tattoo to be and say. It's permanent and should reflect who you are. Do some online searches for artwork and quotes. If you're artistic you can sketch some ideas. If not, then you can enlist the help of an artsy friend. Keep in mind that tattoo artists don't just tattoo your skin, they'll sit with you and design something to your liking. They want you to be happy because whatever they tattoo on you will reflect on them as well. Good luck!

Q: I have recently been diagnosed with personality disorder extreem. I have black outs. I hear voices. I see things that aren't real. I am violent in these states. I was recently arrested for trying to kill my mother because from wht I'm told. I was afraid tht she was trying to poison me and wasn't my mom. I don't respond well to the medication it makes me violently ill. I am lucid right now. Please i don't can't live like this its like the real sane me gets trapped deep inside and can't find a way out. Please I've tried all the treatments/meds. I just want out. Please no bullshit answer I need. To know

Please don't give up. As you say, you've recently been diagnosed. I suggest that you and your mom actively search for a sensitive and understanding pychiatrist who can design an effective plan of drug therapy for you. Just because one drug doesn't work or makes you sick doesn't mean that there isn't another drug available that won't have the severe side effects you've experienced. The mental health field has come a long way and is constantly improving ways to help those with mental health issues lead productive lives. Check with your local county mental health department. They're a good place to start and will point you in the right direction.

Q: so my boyfriend and i have been going out for about four months now and his friend seriously has a thing for me so i told my boyfriend about this and he asked his friend and his friend just made it worse for me and said that i flirt with him this is the second time this has happened with one of my boyfriends friends and the weird thing is that he always believes what they say and i look like the bad one so what do i do about my current situation this guy just won't take no for an answer and it's really causing problems for me and my boyfriend
please help

You don't say how old you are, but if this is the second time you've confided in your boyfriend that one of his friends is coming on to you and he believes his friend over you I would be seriously questioning this relationship. He should be asking himself if you are the initiator then why would you be telling him about these other guys. You need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and let him know that it's important he trust you. No relationship is going to survive without trust. How he responds to this might just give you a better idea of where this relationship is heading. Good luck!

Q: I love my boyfriend very much, we've been dating for a little over a year now. Recently, I've been going to some legal programs as punishment for a small wreck a few months ago. While there, I've met a guy that is really nice. When we first started going, he was really cool and I could tell he was flirting with me but I didn't flirt back because I have a boyfriend and I'd never dream of cheating on him. Anyways, tonight was our last court date and he lives about an hour away so there isn't really a reason for us to see each other anymore. The thing is, I like him a lot as a friend and I'd like to be better friends with him but I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, especially my boyfriend. After we left the court house, this other guy asked me out to dinner and I politely declined (he didn't know I had a boyfriend at the time). Later, I added him on facebook and he apologized for asking me out because he didn't know I had a boyfriend at the time and I decided not to tell my boyfriend about this guy asking me out because I didn't want to cause unnecessary jealousy...so I guess what I'm asking is, would it be wrong of me to pursue a friendship with this guy? I feel like it would be selfish of me to do so because it might hurt my boyfriend and lead this other guy on...but could I still text this guy some times?? I just don't know where to draw the line! Thanks for any help!

This other guy has already expressed an interest in you. Attempting to be his friend, in my opinion, is playing with fire. Yes, you would indeed be leading this guy on. He might think that somewhere down the line there's a chance that your friendship can turn into something more. The fact that you just happened to omit the fact you had a boyfriend while chatting with him in court leads me to believe you perhaps had feelings for him and maybe wanted to see where it would go. If you really do love your boyfriend and value that relationship then forget pursuing a friendship with this other guy. It won't end well. Good luck!

bio

Merry Meet!
I'm a mom of three grown children. I've been married, divorced and now recently remarried. I've had more than my fair share of life's hard knocks and have been knocked down more times than I can count, but still manage to get back up and go at life again. All this gives me tons of experience to draw upon when giving out my advice. I love people and honestly want to help. Please feel free to ask me questions directly if you like and I promise to answer each one of them.

Brightest Blessings to All!!