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Q: My husband and I seem to only ever have sex. I know that it's supposed to express love, but neither of us waited to marriage...we both slept around a lot. I do love him, and he promises he loves me, and not just my body. But it seems like, unless we're making love, we're not getting along. Is it possible to love someone with liking them? Seriously... I love him, but I don't like him because he's rude to me and not really abusive, but almost. So... what now?

Is this a real question, or one you made up to encourage the kids of this site to abstain from sex until marriage? Because it doesn't sound real, you didn't tell us anything about how he's rude or why you didn't get along, you just made it all about sex, and that's not what real relationships are about, no matter how many people you've slept with. That's why I hate about abstinence advocates... they think about sex more than normal people! So anyway that's your first problem, you're fake. Second problem is that no, you cannot love someone without liking them.

Q: I am 20 years old an i am engaged to my wounderful boyfriend of 2 years..i recelty found out that this month he has been poking holes the size of tumb tacks in our condums.. i was woundering if there was a chance i am now pregnant...and what should i do..he dose not know that i found out???? i want kids i am just scared that we are not ready

Yes, you could be pregnant, go get a test! And then dump him... what the hell is wrong with this guy, is he unstable? Psychotic? Either way it doesn't matter, you should never have sex with him again, obviously you can't trust him, I can't believe you'd call him wonderful!

Q: k this is wierd
i dont use tampons and i want to ask how do you go to the bathroom when you wear tampons
do you take it out and have to put it back again

No, you can not put a tampon back in if you've taken it out. You can use the bathroom normally though.

Q: Some people say that diet soda is worse for you then regular soda. is this true?????

Well, if it was true, then all people would say it, not just some people.

Diet soda uses artificial sweetners instead of sugar, so there's less carbohydrates. But artificial sweetners are all chemicals, and certain studies have linked them to cancer, so some people avoid them. I mean, it seems like almost everything in the world can be shown to cause cancer if you research it enough, but it's something to think about.

Personally I think they're both bad for you. No one has ever proved that switching to diet soda helps you lose weight. You can consume weird over-processed chemicals or way too much sugar... it just doesn't sound like a good choice on either side. I drink coffee.

Q: 15/f. okay this may seem like a weird question but i'm all stressed out about this. i'm getting my braces off on december 28th. currently i have a fake tooth attached to my braces so that the space doesn't close. after i get my braces off i'm going to get a permanent tooth put in their by my dentist. but the problem is that my orthodontist told me that when they take my braces off they will attach a fake tooth to my retainer so the space doesn't close up. at first i thought this was a good idea, but now i'm changing my mind. i realized that once i take my retainer out for lunch at school people will notice that suddenly i don't have a tooth where i did before. and then i'll but it back in and viola! a tooth. won't that we really weird? one second i'll have a tooth and then another i won't.

what can i do? is there anyway for their not to be a tooth attached to my retainer? oh and the tooth is the one right next to my front teeth on the top so it is really noticable.

thanks so much! this is stressing me out so much.

Wait, your dentist told you you're getting a permanent tooth but your orthodontist told you they'd give you one attached to a retainer? That doesn't make any sense! Ask for clarification... there's no reason I can see why you'd want a fake tooth attached to a retainer. I broke one of my teeth and got a temporary cap on it, and it broke off again, it was nuts, if you can get something permanent that's the way to go.

Q: 14/f. I babysit this adorable boy who is about 3 i think and he is so hyper and stuff! i usually babysit him at night, like i put him to bed and stay there for another few hours. i am usually only watching him for about 3 hours and then i sit there and watch tv when he goes to bed for the other like 2 hours until the parents get home. they just told me to put him to bed and then i could help myself to anything to drink and watch tv and what not, but i just feel bad when they come home and im sitting there watching tv. i dont know why but even though they told me i could i feel like i shouldnt be. like basically they're paying me to do nothing. before the kid goes to bed i always am playing with him and i dont ignore him. i just feel bad. should i do something differently? or is it ok to still sit there and do nothing when they get home even though i feel bad? please help i am babysitting for them tomorrow night. thanks!

Don't feel bad, you're not doing nothing, you're there. Kind of like insurance, you know? I mean, I pay like $1000 a year and basically get nothing, but I know that if I got in a car accident, I'd be able to fix my car. That's why I keep paying. Same thing with the parents... it doesn't feel like they're getting much for their money since you're just sitting there, but they feel better knowing their kid isn't alone and that's important.

Q: A close friend of mine suffers from Bipolar Disorder, and he refuses to see a psychologist. He is in extremely depressive mood all the time and frequently talks about suicide. This really frightens me because I don't want to lose him. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether his suicidal intention is serious. When a manic-depressive talks about suicide, does he MEAN it? I desperately want to help my friend. I can't see him suffering. I wish I could make him happy but I don't know how. No matter how well his life goes, he is forever buried in his formidable despair. I feel helpless and inadequate every time upon listening his depressive thoughts. I hate myself for not being able to change my friend's condition. So here I am seeking advice from you guys. My friend just told me that he thinks about suicide every waking second and that I "shouldn't have any hope in him because he won't be around much longer". My god, I am so terribly worried about him. What can I do? Please help my friend!

You should not be friends with this person. I know that sounds harsh, but bipolar disorder is very serious. The only thing that you can do to "help" someone with bipolar disorder is to make sure they're under professional supervision and make sure they take the medications prescribed for them. By listening to his thoughts, you're basically telling him that it's okay to avoid professional help that he needs. He's going to keep bringing you down until it effects your mental health. Ending the friendship now will be the best thing for both of you.

Q: Female, 14.
I feel quite stupid for resulting to a website to sort out my religious beliefs, but here it goes.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I went to church for quite sometime, but I never understood anything they were talking about and I just felt so left out, confused, and stupid everytime I asked a question about the lesson. I eventually begged my mom to stop making me go because I just felt so uncomfortable at church.

If God comes to Earth, is he going to come as some random person, and just take all those who believe in him? How do I know if I truly believe?

If God controlled everything, why would he let people get sick, raped, or killed in the first place? Why do we have to beg and ask for things to get better?

Also, did God like tell people to run out and believe in him, or idk, how did he all the sudden become "God"

I guess I need things to be proven to me and explained. Anyone who helps or gives me any sites to help me would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much.

I'm not going to give you answers, but I am going to say that you need to find a church where you feel comfortable asking questions. Trust me, I know, when I was in high school I was in a youth group where every time I asked anyone anything, they were just like, "Why are you thinking about that? The important thing is that you're saved! Isn't that great? We're saved! Now stop worrying!"

Well that's a LOAD. God made us to question things, and gave us brains that are capable of pondering deep issues, and He wouldn't have done that if we were supposed to hold ourselves back. You obviously have a mind that wants to go further than just hearing stories about baby Moses in the river... that's great! Use it to think. Read some books, read Tony Campolo, I like him. Read CS Lewis and Marcus Borg.

Personally, I don't think God controls everything. I think he set up a world with rules and natural balance, and if your kid falls out of a window and dies, it's because of gravity, not because the hand of God comes down and kills children. But that's an issue you need to explore and decide on for yourself. And most important, don't let anyone tell you that exploring and deciding isn't an important part of Christianity, because if you truly believe that God made us, then that means that He made us like this... with questions.

Q: just wondering lol but what age do people start driving/ get their permit in kansas? b/c this girl from kansas just moved here(nj) and like i saw a pic on this girls myspace and shes driving but like im a freshman and we dont get our permit til next year.?

thanks

You can get a lerner's permit at 14 here, but no one in Kansas can drive so don't feel too bad.

Q:
i'm a junior in HS. i want to be a psychiatrist. what are some good colleges for that? i dont want to know from a website, i want to know from people who have persued it themselves. i was kinda considering an online college so i can focus more on the work & not the parties & learn at my own pace ... has anyone done that (for psycology) ? thanks for your help =)

do not go to an online college, they're not serious and you won't get the directed help you need. Besides, making friends in college is part of the college experience, it's good for you.

Psychology is one of those fields where you're going to go through so much school it really doesn't matter where you get your undergrad. Visit some schools in your area and talk with professors in the psychology department, and see how you feel about them, that's my advice. As long as the department is accredited you really can't go wrong, it's important to pick someplace comfortable and affordable for your undergrad, then when you continue from there, start thinking prestige.

Q:
i want to go on the pill. i heard it can make you gain weight, and i definately do not want to gain weight. is this true? thank yooouuuu ..

Different people respond differently to different medications. I went on the pill, and had more mood swings, but much clearer skin. I didn't gain weight at all. The thing to do is talk with your doctor about what's right for you... she'll probably give you samples of something, and if there are side effects you're unhappy with, you can get off it and try something else.

Q: How many associate's degrees would it take to look as impressive/qualified as a person with a bachelor's degree? How many bachelor's degrees would it take to look as impressive/qualified as a person with a master's degree?

Obviously a person with 20 associate's degrees looks more educated and impressive than someone with 1 bachelor's degree, but where can you draw the line? (3 associates=1 bachelor's, 4 associate's=1 bachelor's, etc.)

They don't add up at all, sorry. A person with 20 associate's degrees just looks rediculous, everyone would ask you why the hell you didn't get a bachelor's degree or assume you're afraid of higher level classes. When companies post jobs, they'll indicate whether a bachelor's degree is required, they never say "or four associate's degrees" because that won't meet their requirement. Same goes for that master's question. You're really talking apples and oranges here. If you want to look impressive, get a bachelor's degree and a master's and don't worry about doubling up on random stuff because the highest degree you've earned matters a lot more than how many you've gotten.

Q: Hey I know this probably isnt in the right category but I'm desperate and I NEED help ASAP.
My family went to a wedding this past weekend (aww) and my dad recorded it for the bride and groom while i recorded it for our family...except he got the reception and bouqet toss and what not for the newlyweds (obviously)...well we just recieved news that the newlyweds and their family were watching it the other night and somehow the bride's mother hit record (and didnt know it i guess) and it taped over THE ENTIRE wedding and recorded some hunting thing on TV. Is there a way that we could somehow ERASE the hunting and still have the wedding video? I feel horrible because I only got the wedding and not the other precious moments they would want to cherish. So is ANYTHING like that possible?

Nope, sorry you're hosed. You're not the only one though, this sort of thing happens all the time. Most people look at photos of weddings, I don't know hardly anybody who cracks out the video on a regular basis, those tapes just take up space, don't feel bad.

But just so you know for nex time, there are little plastic breakaway tabs on the front of recordable VHS tapes and if you break those off, it makes it so nobody can record over it (unless they tape over the tab spaces, but that's hard to do by accident). It's a good idea to "break the tabs" if you record something you don't ever want to lose.

Q: Hi, hope someone can help. When I attempt to log on to my bank site, the session immediatly times out and logs me off. The tech person at the bank says the problem is from my end, and is probably my browser settings. This suddenly started happening 2-3 weeks ago and I haven't been able to log on since. This is what I have tried with no avail: I have changed the cookie settings to accept all, to accept none. I turned off the firewall. I uninstalled some windows updates, thinking it happened after that time. I have changed the security settings to low. I cleared the browser cache. I increased the days for the history. Nothing is working and I am desperate because I do all my banking online. I can log in from my computer at work, but I am not supposed to use it for personal work, so really it is on my end. Please Help.

The first thing I'd do is install another browser like Firefox, that way you can narrow it down to tell if it's really a browser setting issue or a computer/firewall issue. If the new browser also doesn't work, call your ISP and see if they can help with the problem. If the new browser does work, either use it or call the bank up again and have them describe some browser settings to check... and try to get a different tech person. Anyone who'd tell you a problem is "probably your browser setting" and not offer to help out more is pretty worthless, I'd be mad.

Q: I have a bad vaginal odor ..i've already been to a doctor and they said I do not have any infections, and to just continue to wash properly and yada yada yada...however, I wash myself daily and have no idea what is causing this. Does anyone know of any way to get rid of this horrible odor???

I'm sure there's nothing I can tell you that doctor's haven't. Make sure you're using unscented soap when you wash, and wear clothes that breathe like cotton. Try sleeping without underwear at all to sort of air thing out.

Really though, are you sure it's bad? Because what might seem bad to you might just be normal. It's okay for your vagina to smell like a vagina, you might just need to accept it the way it is.

Q: So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and a half. We have been through some tough times but have made it and are happy. We tend to fight over stupid things and he can be pretty immature at times. Well recently the subject of marriage came up again. We have talked about it and I said that someday if things worked out and we both were ready that it would be a good idea, because we both can see eachother being together. But out of the two of us, I am better at handling money and I am very clean. He can be sloppy and doesnt always spend his money wisely, so I could see how being married to someone like that oculd cause some major problems right away. Well he is joining the Marines and is trying to ask me to marry him this summer! And I don't feel ready but feel like he pressuring me too or else! So please help me figure out what to do. Cause I am so lost...

Do not get married.

Marriage is something that should happen when you're REALLY sure it's right for you. It also shouldn't be something you do to fit a time schedule, it should be at a time that's defined by your needs, not the US armed forces.

I also think 18 is too young to get married. You change a lot between 18-22, everyone does and in four years you're going to be a very different person and he's going to be a very different person and what are the odds you'll still be right for one another?

You'll also both be better people if you get out of your parents houses and live on your own for a while... his sloppyness and inability to handle money might change if he's really on his own. If he's got you around to depend on, he might not have to improve, you know what I mean?

Q: Since UN day is coming up soon, or International Day, at least at my school, I've been asked to make a slide show about poverty. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on what song I could play while the slide show is rolling? I am obviously not looking for suggestions like 'PROMISCUOUZ GIRL!', ok?

Also, if anyone has any ideas on interesting things/figures/facts I could include. I'm going to go for defining poverty, where it exists most, what changes/plans are being made to prevent it and why people should care. If you guys have any additional suggestions, it would be muchly appreciated.

Thanks.

Last year or so sarah mclaughlin came out "world on fire", a really good song that highlights the issues involved with world poverty. The video is incredible... she actually donated the funds that would be used to make the video to support international relief causes. You can see the video and donation list at http://www.worldonfire.ca/

Q: I'm becoming one of you. Now - I'm finally joining your club. I am removing myself from the depression. I am not surrendering, and I am most definitely taking control. I need a change. There will be no more feeling like I don't care, no more "nothing matters, so i dont need to care about my grades, my looks, my life..myself!" NONE OF THAT. This is the new me. I'm willing to work so hard to become one of you. Independant. I no longer want to feel like i have to find a great husband in the future because im too weak and too much of a failure to be able to take care of myself. I no longer want to feel the nedd to impress my family or my friends. I want my happiness to depend on ME. No more letting ex relationships control me. No more coming here to ask what to do about my depression or what to do with a guy - from now on im trusting my own intuition. SO MY QUESTION?

I've said it before- Im ready to work hard to become independent and happy. But where do I start? How do i become stronger, mentally and emotinally? Where do I start with taking control over my life?

Please give me instructions on how you did it. Give me tips and trics to keeping my hopes up and never giving up. Help me strengthen my faith in myself, help me love myself, tell me how to become independant please.

THANK YOU. And congratulations on being a strong, independent women who decides over her own happiness! :D im proud of you girls! and i admire you! :)

Well, go you!

Changing who you are can be a big deal... don't expect it to all just happen after you make this declaration, it'll take awareness and work over a long period of time.

My recommendations: first, be single. There's no better way to figure yourself out and be sure that no one else is leading your life. If you just ended a relationship that wasn't good for you, take a year off from dating, look at relationships around you and compare them, think about what you want and what you won't compromise one.

Second, be a feminist! Read some good feminist books and visit cool feminist websites, like NOW or feminist majority. Go see the vagina monologues and subscribe to BUST and BITCH. Those are some independent, empowered women that you'll learn a lot from, you know?

Q: I am 16/f considering going on the Pill. I read today that it can cause birth defects and I don't want to put my children at risk in the future. I googled a few sites and from what I can gather it is a myth. One site said your only at risk of birth defects if you were on the Pill at the time of getting pregnant. I take it this means if you left it a while before trying to concieve you would be ok. I just don't know about condoms; are they really that reliable? I know they have a 85-98% success rate but they just look so thin and like you'd tear them so easy! thanks!

Read where? that's gross misinformation... no, being on the pill absolutely will not effect your ability to get pregnant or carry a healthy baby. There are MILLIONS of women on the pill and it's been around for 30 years, trust me, we'd know if it caused unhealthy babies! Furthermore, there's no hard evidence that being on the pill during conception or pregnancy is harmful to the baby.

When you read information about birth control you need to carefully check the source. There are a lot of people who don't believe in birth control for religious reasons, and they'll feed you misinformation to keep you from going on it because they think you're only worth something as a woman if you're cracking out babies. I'm a good Christian and think that lying is morally wrong no matter why you do it, but apparently not everyone agrees, and that's too bad.

If you want to go on the pill, talk to your doctor and go on it, it's still not right for everybody but wanting to have kids in the future is not a reason to avoid it.

Q: A question to call my own.

So, I have problems with being the one left behind. In my social life, since I started high school and continuing to today, I have always been the friend not called. When I show up somewhere, I get hugs and backslaps and people all come and hang out with me. But in order to show up, I have to find out about it by hearsay.

Example, a friend of mine has a party with his parents every year. Huge party at his little place. Most of my old friends know about this place and get invited, but I didnt find out about it until tonight, while everyone else has been planning the trip to go for about a week. I talked to him today (he came in town for ACL, for those of you who know what that is) and he told me about the party and asked if I was going to be there. But he didnt call me to tell me he was having a party to begin with.

This has been the story of my social life for forever. Like I said, I hang out with people and I have a bunch of guys and girls I get along with very well, but if I dissapeared into my own room for a month, some wouldnt come looking for me until Id been gone a few weeks, others might not notice at all.

I just dont understand how all these people I hang out with and call my friends, who treat me like a sibling when Im around, completely forget I exist once Im out of the room. I mean, Ive made a habit now of just finding out things on my own because if I find out myself, everyone welcomes me to attend. But they just dont tell me themselves.

Opinions? Advice? Anyone faced a situation like this before? I mean, Ive gotten used to it enough, I didnt think it bothered me anymore. Guess it still does a bit. I just wish I was at least sometimes one of the people who was called and told to tell others, instead of one of the people who found out second hand.

You've got to get out there and ask people, don't just wait to get called. The world happens every weekend, not just in scattered parties either, and you've got to get involved in the regular stuff for your friends to start thinking of you as one of the crowd.

Make it a point to ask someone on a Friday what's going on. The next week, ask someone else. Eventually they'll remember you.

When I've had parties I usually try to invite everyone I can think of but that's hard. I'm afraid of rejection, that makes it hard to invite people. I forget people too. But if someone comes up and asks me what's going on, I'll tell them, and it's all good. Just act casual and interested and jump in there yourself, it's okay.

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.