A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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I know this is a very opinion based question but do guys find tattoos on a girl sexy?
I have a small quote on one hip and I'm planning another for another quote on the other. The most tattoos I would want would be 3. Trust me I'm not doing it for the guys, I'm just wondering peoples opinions. (link)
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Depending on the quote, its probably not going to be "sexy" but it might be interesting. Gives us an excuse to ask to see more of you without clothes on, which is always a plus.
Just think before you add it. Words are even more likely regretted than a picture five to ten years down the road.
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Well, We have been together for 5 years and got married in November. He has been depressed since a week after the wedding.I think he is upset because I cant perform the sexual acts that he wants. He wants me to be with a girl so bad that if I dont "go out" with girls he will be silent for days.A week after the wedding it was all he talked about. I am quite a homebody. He is 45, I am 32. The fact is, I will never sleep with a girl. It was a thing of fantasy for us. He went as far as to text a girl from my phone for a coffee date yesterday behind my back and I cancelled, He is really dpressed now. And of course, everything is my fault. He downloads tons of porn,I have found 3 videocameras around my house, I know he is a sex addict,but he is in denial and wont get help. What do I do??Up until our wedding things were pretty great! He told me that he knows i am to "old" to be with a girl tonight and said young girls would do it. I think I am doomed. I am a very attractive woman I am not old, and very devoted to only him.He always makes comments that nobody wants him enough for him to cheat on me. I am so lost. HELP! (link)
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Your husband is a 45 year old manchild, and you've just been introduced to issues that will continue for as long as you're willing to tolerate them.
He's emotionally blackmailing you to get his sexual fantasies fulfilled, its not healthy for either of you. He's withdrawing purposefully from you to get what he wants, which is extremely fucked up, and he's going so far as to insult you and compare you to a younger girl who might well allow him to have what he wants out of inexperience despite not wanting to.
You're 13 years younger than him, and he shot that low because he was hoping for one of those "younger girls who will do things he wants". He holds your fantasy up an expectation.
My wife is sitting behind me, and on her behalf I'll contribute the answer she feels most fits this question.
RUN
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So i recently got a new boyfriend(lets call him M*xx), and a super sweet guy behind his "gangster" act. We have been dating for about three months now. Anyway after a dramitc experiance i made a vow to myself to keep my virginity as long as i can without any boys bribing me into it. M*xx has a diff. plan in mind. Yes, he holds my hand and kisses it, making me blush...but sometimes he tries to reach for my breast iwth his free hand when he thinks im not looking. And of course i push himm away. Sttubborn..he keeps trying. He tells me that one of these days im going to give into him, and i have fears that my vow will be broken before the year has ended. How do i keep the sensual mood going but not resulting in sex??
Thanks in advance.... 14/f (link)
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Its not your job to keep a "sensual" mood going when he's going past your comfort zones, especially when you've made that clear. I understand that you are young and that he's one of if not the first guy you've dated, and I understand you feel obligated to make him happy.
Thats not what dating is about. Its not trading sexual favors so a guy sticks around.
I also get that you're in the midst of puberty, and for the first time you're dealing with the fact that on some level you want to do some of these things yourself. You've got good instincts, follow them, even when its not the easiest thing in the world.
You need to assert yourself. You need to let him know that this isn't Ok, and you want him to stop. If you compromise, all hes' going to think is "its working!". And yeah, he will patiently wear down your resistance until he gets what he wants.
Its not right, he's putting pressure on you you don't need to deal with.
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I am 25 and have been in a relationship for two and half years. I recently told my girlfriend that I would be leaving for a week on a trip with my parents. She has a big test to give while I'm gone. This has led to her getting very upset with me and I believe she is now deciding on whether she wants to continue a relationship with me or not. I feel sad/awful/confused. I don't know what to do... (link)
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"I believe"
You're 25. You're a damned adult, act like it. Talk to her, ask her whats up. If there is actually a serious threat to the relationship you're not going to figure it out here, or by feeling sorry for yourself alone. You've been with her two and a half years and you can't go and communicate with her about whats going on? I don't know whether youre blowing things out of proportion or hiding from relationship issues. Either way, cut it out.
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My best friend is a sweetheart. I mean, he's the nicest person ever in the world. He waits for me in classes, he carries my stuff, he treats me anything I want, he refuses to sleep unless if I sleep [like when its really late], he drives to pick me up sometimes after my afterschool activities to treat me ice cream, and many more. I always tell him "no matter how many thank yous I say, it'll never be enough for your kindness is beyond" however, he's very cold towards others. He's just the type who's mean on the surface but really sweet inside.
Few weeks ago, one of our closest friends talked to me because she was concerned bout my friendship, she said, "I doubt that he sees this friendship as just friendship" and afterwards, many people start coming up to me to tell me the same thing. I don't know what to do, whom to listen to, or what to say. A part of me thinks it's true that he's a bit too much for a best friend, and a part of me believes that he might have feelings for me, yet another part of me refuses to acknowledge that because I do not want to ruin our good friendship... but my friends get mad at me if I do not believe in them,, and well, it's getting really awkward now between me and my best friend because he feels some tension built between us due to my weird behavior around him lately... (link)
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There is no such thing as a guy who follows a 14 year old girl around and does things like treating you to ice cream and waiting for you after classes who is "just a friend". He is trading you affection expecting you to develop feelings for him. This is creepy, because in his eyes its the things he does that should make you want to date him, and not who he is.
Your friend is dysfunctional and I can say (as a guy who's a good bit older than both of you) that he has feelings for you with absolute 100% certainty. Your friends are correct, and they're expressing concern because as I said, he's a bit creepy.
He will continue to do these things for exactly as long as it takes for you to be interested, or for you to tell him to leave you alone and make it clear you are not and will never be interested in him.
Remember this behavior, and this guy. This is what those of us who are socially functional call "the Nice guy". The nice guy seems like your best friend while quietly cursing the fact that "you just don't notice what's in front of you". They buy your affection with actions and only do these things because the want/expect something in return.
He's not sweet, he's calculating. Everything he does around you is designed to try to make you like him as more than a friend. I don't have much in the way of good advice to offer you, but I CAN tell you that dating him would be terrible for both of you. He won't be anywhere near as sweet when dating you (because he won't feel a need to constantly try to impress you anymore) and you should notice and pay attention to how he treats others whom he isn't trying to impress for clues as to what he would be like if you put him in a situation where he doesn't feel the need to try for you.
You don't have a good friendship, and I know that its not fair to you to realize that, because girls are never at fault in situations like this. Its obsessive behavior, he's fixated on you and is going to keep coming and he's going to consider you "leading him on" as long as he gets any positive feedback. Every time you smile at him, every time you treat him like a friend, he takes it as affirmation that he's doing what he's supposed to be doing to win your heart. When your heart never gets won, he's going to start resenting you more and more, and he's going to start thinking things like "she's using me" and such.
Its all self deception so that he doesn't have to accept that he's not attracting anyone and that buying someones affections by following them around and buying them shit is not how you form romantic relationships.
Its going to get more awkward. Start making it clear that you aren't interested. If there is someone who you are interested in, start showing it. This isn't a fun situation, and every time you let him do something for you you're sending him "maybe you have a shot with me" messages. Again, its not your fault, he's just going to take anything you do that isn't mean as a sign that you are interested in him.
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okay, I am in my last year of highschool and I decided I want to join the military. I have talked to both Army and Marine recruiters. They both are very nice and both described the kind of training very well(I think they were only so nice because they want me to sign up though). Im just not sure which one to pick. Can anyone give me any advice on either?
Ps. i am between Airbourne, the Rangers,or the Marines. I want to do the infantry aswell.
(link)
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I highly recommend that you pick something other than the marines or army. Navy or Air force.
The mentality of the ground troop branches of the Armed Forces is to train your body and then use you up. Everything about it is designed to extract every last bit of everything they can, and then discharge you when you are no longer a valuable piece of cannon fodder. The marines especially are all about this.
I would highly recommend you wait two years after graduating before joining the Armed forces as well, you should give living life a chance before you sign away your rights, freedom, and physical well being to the military.
The recruiters were nice. Yeah. They are there to get you to sign that contract and ship you off to boot camp. They can say practically anything, lie through their teeth to you, anything it takes to get your signature on paper. Once its there, they own you and will do with you whatever the hell they want. "Nice" is not what this is going to be like.
The Navy is by far the best branch of the service, one of my closest friends is an 8 year navy vet. You spend your time on ships, or on bases. You have the opportunity to learn skills through the navy that can translate to civilian life, and to study and take advantage of your GI bill from the comfort of on base housing, or at least a bunk on a ship.
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i was at achool and my teacher took my phone away from me because i was texting. the policy is if a teacher takes it away you cant get it back for another 5 days. i did not want to go this long, because it was the weekend. so i had her email my "mom" because i said that my mom would not let me drive home without my phone. in reality i gave her my email address and used my friends phone to get on the internet and respond to my teacher pretending to be my mom. this happened about a month ago and for some reason im getting paranoid that i will get caught. do you think they can find out it wasnt really my mom ? (link)
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Ha.
Honestly, that's relatively inventive. Chances are, they won't notice or care, I doubt your teacher has really given it a second thought. You shouldn't either, and if your parents ever find out it should be pretty easy to laugh off.
Its really not a big deal.
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16 female
Ok, I'm kind of freaking out right now! My family's computer has an anti-virus program and it does a weekly scan to find any threats. The reason I'm worried is because lately I've been kind of curious and looking at a little bit of porn. If something comes up in the scan about that, I'm really afraid of what my parents will do. I'm straight, but the porn I've been looking at is of girls just out of curiosity. Another reason is that I'm kind of self conscious of how my body has grown, so I wanted to see how other women's bodies looked.
How am I supposed to explain this to them? I don't want to get in trouble if they think it's wrong or something. Is it wrong? (link)
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Hard to say.
Porn sites can definitely put things that show up on virus or anti-spyware scans on the computer. Google "deleting your internet history" if you feel like you might need to protect yourself.
Parents vary with the wind. Many parents view things like porn curiosity as the natural development of teens, like the poster below me. Mine were Catholics, many devout Christians consider porn and such an abomination, I got taken to confession over it.
My default advice is to refuse to talk about it. If your parents don't seem upset or angry, you might rethink that, but until you get a non-scary reaction circle the wagons and just tell them you got curious and you don't want to talk about it.
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I'm 17, and when I was 16 I was sexually abused by an older man. He was about 20. It happened over 4 months ago, yet I can't seem to get over what he did to me. I'm not going to go into details of that night, but I still have nightmares about what he did, and I can't go near certain guys. I feel like all older guys are going to do what he did to me. How can I get over what he did to me? He made me do things that I was NOT READY to do! Please if anyone has any advice on how to get over what he did please tell me. (link)
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Seek therapy.
Seriously. Therapists are there specifically because humans are complex, fucked up organisms, and its taken us many many years to unravel our own inner workings. A therapist is there to shorten your time of self discovery and to help illuminate the blind spots we all have and cannot see. When figuring out how to deal with something alone could take years, a therapist can lead you to processes that make coping eaiser, and make recovery from traumatic events quicker.
This is not something you should have to deal with alone, and going to see someone who knows what they're doing could help you out alot in the long run because they can help you see things about yourself that you might not see now, and help you cope with and move on from your past.
Talk to your parents, possibly a school counselor (thats what they're there for) and speak to someone about your issues. Don't feel like you have to settle on one person, its important to feel comfortable with whom you are speaking to. I've visited a counselor before myself, it took me six people before I found someone I could open up to, but when I found someone I was comfy with it helped me a great deal.
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15/f (sorry, might be long)
My b/f and best friend hate each other!!!
My b/f, Tyson, is extremely corny and sweet. He's a giant goof ball and I love him soo much! He is very good to me and is constantly talking to me (even right now through txt). I can't last a day without him.
My best friend is such a funny guy. We're always laughing when we are together and he makes me feel happy. He's a sweet heart and I can't imagine life without him.
They used to be friends two years ago and stopped hanging out (I don't know why) and this year I started dating Tyson. At first, they were fine and even trying to get along for my sake. Now, all they do when ever I bring another up in conversation is talk about how much they hate each other. It hurts to see my two favorite people fighting each other like this!
I don't know what to do, I love them both and will NOT chose between them. I wish they could see that. I know Tyson doesn't want me to hang out with my best friend, and I know my best friend doesnt want me dating Tyson (even though they haven't told me themselves, I know). I just want them to get along! What do I do? (link)
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They both want you, they both know it, and thats the foundation for their issues. You cannot fix it or solve it, all you can do is pick between them.
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Do self-actualized or people who credit themselves to a point, with making them who they are, masturbate a lot? Just wondering. (link)
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Why wouldn't they?
Masturbation is a widespread and very common act, across all classes and types of people, regardless of race, religion, sex, or social standing.
That said, I don't really understand your question. Why would you think they wouldn't? What sets "self actualized" apart from anyone else, except for the fact that they take credit far past what is due to them for their own selves by denying the influences in their lives as weaker than their own wills?
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I was on Facebook and I saw different people posting to a site dedicated to seeking revenge on a teenage girl because she broke up with her boyfriend.
Her ex-boyfriend feels that it is his duty to get revenge on her and post all of her private pictures. The more referrals a person offers, the more pictures that the people can see (even naked pictures).
Can I report this online somewhere anonymously... ? I don't want to call the police. I just feel really bad for this girl... (link)
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I've done it for you.
I did a whois query which got me the registered operator of the website. I looked up the police chief for Greenwich CT, which is where the owner of the website lives, and send the Chief and e-mail with all the information I had and encouragement to do something about it. I don't know if action will be taken, I hope it will, but I've done what can be done about it.
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I haven't seen my girlfriend in 6 months. I didn't realize how long 6 months was. she isn't doing bad, I mean she misses me, but her happiness outweighs her loneliness. Me on the other hand, I've never felt this lonely before. I love this girl. but its gotten to the point where when I think about her I cant conjure up any happy thoughts. it just feels empty. I feel so far away from her right now, emotionally and mentally. am i just being negative? It used to be fine. when i would start to feel lonely i would just think about holding her in my arms and it would ease the pain. now I feel nothing. I see her in two weeks. I SHOULD be excited but Im more nervous about it. I'm scared we spent too much time apart and now its too late. I'm scared that when I see her in two weeks and hold her, I wont feel the same way. I don't want this to happen. she made me so extremely happy only a few months ago. I want to be excited about her again. I want holding her hand to be different from holding any other girl's hand. how it used to be. I want my love back. I've talked to her about it and we aren't gonna wait this long to see each other again. not ever. but I'm scared there wont be a next time. I'm afraid that I've lost what I had and I can't get it back. I just miss her. (link)
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You can't go six months like that. It just doesn't work. People need more connection, and what you're going through is perfectly normal.
The natural human response is to withdraw from pain. Think about burning yourself. If you touch something hot, you're going to jerk back suddenly. Even if you press your hand down and let it burn, eventually self preservation will take over and you will pull your hand back.
Thats what you're doing emotionally.
The bad news is, you might see her, it will all come crashing back, and then all retreat even more when she's gone. The good news is, its not in any way too late.
I did distance for a long time. Saw each other once a month. It started out awkward each time as we got used to each other again. You will too. Just try to keep from being 6 months again, its hard to keep connection going that long.
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A year and a half ago I moved out of my mother's home. She was a terrible mother towards me, she used to force feed me junk food to purposely make me gain weight (I was an overweight child) so she could torture me mentally and say I was abnormal and fat and different. She used to hit me up until I was 16 when I moved out to my Dad's, and she used other ways of torturing me both mentally and physically, including constant death threats and making me feel small and encouraging me to commit suicide during a dark depression when I went up to her for a hug.
She also used to use all of Dad's child support money on drugs and when she couldn't get her fix she'd hit me when I was a small child and I wouldn't eat until she begged my father to give her more money.
She also once spent a year's worth of child support on a car.
She's okay towards me now. She buys me all the things I NEED and clothes and she's bought me a laptop and other things I need. She also takes me to the doctor when I need to be taken and when Dad can't take me, and we go out for dinner every Sunday night.
My Mum is friendless. So now she sees me more of a friend than a daughter, and she's been telling me things...
One was that she used to work in a brothel. She told me she worked as a 'receptionist' but she gave me a small hint that told me she was a prostitute.
Another, was that she used to have affairs with married men. She wasn't even sorry about this, she laughed and said the men's wife's deserved it 'because they were ugly'
I told my Dad about all of this yesterday. He was disgusted and is going to be having a 'talk' with her for telling me. When he found out she had been a hooker (He never knew during his and my mum's relationship, this was after he kicked her out of the house) he and my mum agreed to never tell me. It was the family secret, she had begged every member of my family to never tell me.
He also told me about the affairs she had. He and her only spoke about it once, but apparently she used to always dump her perfume over the wife's pillows (She used to have sex in the marital bed...) so the husband would get into trouble.
She also went back to her hooker days when I was a child, after Dad kicked her out of the house and when she spent all her welfare money PLUS the extra large amount of child support my father gave her. She also slept with a lonely old man and he bought her a house plus is leaving all of his inheritance to her. And she's slept with taxi drivers to get out of paying the fare.
I always knew my 2 cousins plus a few of my aunties were hookers (yep, runs in the family) but I never knew she was one too until a few days ago. I always had a feeling, but it was never confirmed.
Now, the question is, do I still speak to this whore? I forgave her for everything she did to me as a child, she still denies it to this day that she ever abused me and calls me a liar, but I let it all go.
My sister (as I said before she has a different mother) said what she did in her past doesn't matter, but my mother should not be telling me these things.
Dad also said I should still speak to my mother because once again, it's all in the past. Even though she has been a hooker during my lifetime, none of it has been 'confirmed' but as I said, old guy bought her the house and there have been guys around and extra money, and times where I've been dumped at friend's houses unexpectantly.
So I don't know what to do. On one hand she's my mother, and she's been caring so much for me lately and has been doing so many positive things for me, and shown me support, and she's said I'm the only person there for her (as I said she has no friends and doesn't speak to family)
But on the other hand, she's led a lifestyle I find absolutely disgusting. If it were anyone else I'd cut off ties immediately. I'm so ashamed to be her daughter - I'm a hooker's daughter. I feel disgusted and right now I just want to throw up and cry at the same time. She's also had affairs with married men as I said, and she sees NOTHING wrong with it.
What the hell do I do? She doesn't know that I know the full story behind her being a prostitute, she told me the same story she told my father, and like my father, I found out she was a hooker from someone else. Should I just pretend I never found out, or do I confront her?
I'm so disgusted and angry. I'm a hooker's daughter. I'm so angry at her for making me that. (link)
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I'm going to jump this off and agree with Rahzie below, a counselor is a good idea.
Second, I absolutely encourage you to change your name to your father's. That sounds like a great idea that will help you out with what you're dealing with, and is a positive change for yourself to distance yourself from what's happened.
Now. As to the rest. I don't know what to say about how you feel about your mother. I don't understand how you can forgive her for everything she's done and hold this against her.
By that, I mean I do not for the life of me understand how you've found forgiveness of her for anything she's done, and I don't understand why her being a prostitute is so much worse than her spending your money on drugs, hitting you, encouraging suicide, etc.
I don't honestly think that this latest discovery is in any way what most tarnishes the name you want to change. And while I admire your ability to accept the past, I don't necessarily think that this is all about your mom turning tricks. The disgust in your tone about the married people alone tells me that you're just generally disgusted with your mom as a person, and I can tell you that she's reaching out for herself more than for you.
Thats what worries me, and is the reason why I'm still typing. I do know something about parents who hold on and hurt you in the process, I know something about parents who put their own selfish priorities and worldviews before the welfare of their kid. And it worries me for you the idea of her being put in any kind of position of power over you, which she currently has.
She's hurt you in the past, and I believe she will hurt you in the future. I think she just has, and I don't think its ever going to stop. For a woman who feels powerless, she's doing everything she can to control you.
I wish you good luck, and sorry I don't have more constructive input. If you'd like to send a private question, feel free, I'll give what helpful commentary I can.
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first i would like to thank you for your advice. i have decided to go get a session with a local therapist. I would like to know about what kind of questions i should ask and what i should tell him/her? obviously we are not the same person, i just want a general idea. (link)
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Honesty is important, their ability to help is based solely on how much accurate knowledge they have of you. The more you share, the better their picture.
Also important, you don't have to stick with the first therapist you talk to. They will ask their own questions, they aren't new at this and will do what they can to help you open up. You might not feel entirely comfortable, its not something you have to force. I talked to six counselors before I found one I could talk to, and I decided I felt more comfortable with a woman because I've got too much of my own macho testosterone bullshit to open up to a guy the way I'd need to to get any help. It might be different for you, might be the same, might not matter at all.
Start with basically what you said in your question. Explain yourself and your reason for being there as best you can. Don't worry about getting anything right the first time, therapy is a process of discovery, and no one makes discoveries overnight.
Questions are less important than statements. Start with whats going on in your head and what you're feeling. They'll help guide you through the rest.
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My name is Walt as you can plainely see from my user name. I am 18 years old an finishing my last year of highschool and for as long as I can remember I have not had the ability to feel emotions. All i can feel is alot of built up rage and hate. I tried to think of what makes me this way, but honestly i can't. I used to be afraid of everything (heights, rollar coasters dying, etc....), but now i have noticed I fear nothing. My chemistry teacher made a blast of fire with grain dust. I did not know that that was going to be the reaction and yet i didn't even flinch. I have an IQ of 142 so im pretty smart but i only pay attention when i am interested in a topic. Last I've been faking emtions aslong for as long as i can think of, everyone i know only knows me because I learned to fake these "emotions". Is there anybody else like me? If so how do you deal with this problem. Are we stuck like this? (link)
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With the increase in capacity for rational thought comes the increase in capacity for rational distance. Stay too far away too long, and you lose your connection to people and the world in general, and reconnecting can be very, very hard.
Yes, there are people like you. I am and have been one of them, and yes, its something you'll grip with for the rest of your life. That disconnect between what others just "feel" is right and you looking at them like they're crazy? That will go on, and on, and on. There's also a chance you've got something like ADD, which would explain the "only pay attention when I am interested in a topic". Impulsiveness combined with intellect means that being bored generates a "do something else, NOW!" impulse thats hard to fight.
The good news is, you're far from hopeless.
Therapy is not a bad idea. Even intelligent people have blind spots, and professionals can help you spot and address those issues you have difficulty pinning down yourself. Honestly, I'd be speaking to a psych if I could afford it (poor ass married college student in his mid 20s) but I have in the past and its worth doing.
Friends are another good idea. Its hard, when you hold everyone at a distance, to let someone get close and to find someone you respect enough to do it. But there are people out there worth respecting and knowing, and those people can help you keep sight of the basic human issues you've got that you'll tend to ignore or deny on your own.
They also serve as a conduit for that emotion, connection grounds you, gives you a regular outlet to pull out the normal human emotional spectrum. Relationships can do that too. I'm not kidding when I say my wife pretty much saved my life in that regard, after a pretty traumatic childhood with parents that I'm still not speaking to, she was what let me truly start establishing loving relationships outside of my fucked up family.
There's a wall between you and what you feel, the emotions aren't gone, you're just so constantly controlled that you don't let any of them out far enough for even you to see them. That wall has to come down somehow and when it does it likely won't be pretty. I'll repeat the recommendation for therapy, because often times there are ways through a problem that you won't figure out for years and years on your own that a therapist can help you figure out in a much shorter and easier time frame.
You're human. Don't ever start thinking that you aren't. You're just fucked up a bit more than usual because of how differently you work mentally from the average person, and it takes time and energy to break that down. But you're still fully capable in there somewhere. I have friends, some of whom are as intelligent as I am and some of whom aren't. They're all good people worth respecting though, and I find common ground where it exists and forge connections over it. It can be sense of humor, activities, whatever, but something that you can relate to others with is the bridge that lets you feel something for them.
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My bf has a 2 1/2 year old with his ex. He and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
His ex and I are friends, but has a problem with me doing anything to parent their child.
I don't view it as parenting, but being an adult when there is a dangerous situation at hand.
For example, we were all together eating dinner the other night. Mom went outside for a couple minutes and dad went to the bathroom. Boy was playing around while eating and then did a "backflip" in his chair (he is on the ground in a foam little kids chair) with a fork in his mouth.
I told him he can't do that and he will get his fork taken away if he continues to play when he should be eating.
He kept playing around and doing dangerous things like that, even when mom and dad came back to the room.
I told him again that that isn't safe and he needs to stop.
Mom got very defensive then started to yell at dad and I because I was parenting the child.
Dad didn't even see what happened.
I view my relationship as a partnership with my bf when it comes to his son.
He sees things I don't, I see things he doesn't.
This has happened many times and I don’t know why or what to do to fix it.
I discipline him according to their rules, which changes every week!
I am to the point that I want to not be around AT ALL when my bf's son is over visiting for any reason (bf's weekend, just because, etc.)
I am very frustrated and upset because of this and at my wit's end!
What exactly did I do wrong?
Am I in the wrong for trying to help?
Thank you for your advice. (link)
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I somewhat disagree with Rahzie.
You are an adult, and they are the child. Period. I understand your boyfriend raises kids differently from how I will when I have them, but children should be accustomed to obeying adults whom are a regular part of their lives. Period.
If a kid is jumping around with a fork in his mouth, you are absolutely right to take it away from him, especially under the age of 5. Parents insecurities are less important than the child, and if its something of an issue enough, then you and your boyfriend have some major differences in childrearing opinions and you might want to rethink how serious you are about him.
If we were talking about a seven to ten year old, things would be different. Hell, even five would be a bit different. But not two and a half. At two and a half and with a situation where the parents are not around and he's doing something he shouldn't be, I think you're perfectly fine stepping in and taking a fork away, etc.
Sorry for the mother, but in a case like this the welfare of the kid is so far above the mother's insecurities that you can't see the mother's issues from where you are. My wife is sitting behind me, I read her your question, and she's in complete agreement.
I'm going to raise my kids to obey adults who are known to them as if they were us. Our friends, our family, will all be allowed to enforce our rules in our absence and our kids will catch hell for disobeying adults who they damn well will know are allowed to tell them what to do.
You need to talk to your boyfriend and he needs to back you up as a parent. If neither of them are in the room you need to be allowed the authority to stop the kids from doing stupid or dangerous stuff. In no way is it your job to coddle the mother, perhaps you might do it for your boyfriend because you love him, but she doesn't get the same courtesy, not when she's yelling at you for stopping her kid from doing dangerous stuff.
So I counter Rahzie (since this is largely a matter of opinion) and say that in no way were you in the wrong, and if you have overstepped your bounds in the past, this question is not in any way an example of that. For every person like Rahzie and like the mother in this story, there's someone like me who'd be upset with you if I walked in and found my kid with a fork in his mouth and you sitting there silently.
You do need to talk to the boyfriend, because while right and wrong aren't quite applicable here, compatibility is, and if you're going to be around for a while and in this kid's life you can't expect to have no authority at all. Children should not be allowed to treat the people their parents are with like "the woman my dad sleeps with", and personally if I were you I'd be trying to find out if thats what your boyfriend is going to relegate you to. You're obviously not OK with that, and as far as I'm concerned if you take the "Mother" out of "Step Mother" then you just create a person your kids step all over. Something to consider before you make a bid for the position.
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What are 3 good things about our world? (link)
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Sushi, The Aurora Borealis, and due process of law.
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are girls just bad at making music or something? or not as good as guys are.
cause its like I cant really relate to it, like if a song talks about like a girl the singer likes
but at the same time its really good so I listen to it anyways. (link)
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Women are easier to sell.
For the most part, guys have to be decent in order to sell. They've got to have something worth marketing before they ever get out there, so the talent is somewhat required.
Women, on the other hand, can be turned into stars. Look at Ashlee Simpson. She's been booed off stage enough that you never hear from her, because she can't even lipsync well, to say nothing of actually singing. And yet, she's sold records before she got on stage and proved that she isn't actually responsible for any of the music. They did the same with Britney Spears, a girl who can't sing for shit but who's got the face, body, and enough acting talent to pretend to be a star.
And yet, she's idolized. This is because her girl demographic isn't buying the music so much as the image. They are "Britney" girls, so on and so forth. And guys will watch the videos because of the nudity in them.
Guys can't get away with that for the most part. Every once in a while they jump on that ticket, the Jonas Brothers being a current example and Hanson being one from the past. Neither was a decent musical group, but they're huge because they have the right look to appeal to stupid teenagers who haven't matured enough to have anything like taste.
And just like Hanson, the Jonas Brothers will disappear and be forgotten inside the next 5 years. Its the new cycle of music, you create a sensation and market it.
Its not just girls though. My worst offender is Soldja Boy or however the hell you spell it. He became famous overnight simply through marketing, with a song that quite literally can be produced using a basic music editor in 20 minutes. If you search youtube, you can find a video of someone making the song minus the lyrics, someone spent ten grand to make a bullshit song, filmed a video about it, made millions, and now no one gives a shit.
This is what the RIAA has done, they corporatized music so much that alot of good music is getting pushed to the wayside because bad music is so much cheaper to sell. Why pay someone with talent who expects to keep the rights to their song when you can pick some random idiot kid out of a crowd, hand him a "song" and a deal to produce, and shell in the dough the way they do with most artists these days.
Its the fault of your friends who like this terrible crap, they fuel the machine that keeps putting it out.
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Oka so this is going to sound hell a weird but i am so not a relationship girl i really hate them i love boys i love doing naughty stuff i love to have fun fun! I guess some would call me a slut idc anyway i know that if i see a hot guy i want to be able to just makeout with him no strings attach or hook up so i mean how do you just do that you say wanna makeout and then you do? that sounds hella weird.
i am not ugly i am chill i snowboard i have tons of friends..so yah taht kinda defines me
Oh yah please dont say you should respect yourself more or something gay liek that i respect myself fine i have a good family life i just want to have fun with boys ill worry about if i get inot troublle and stuff you just help me with what i asked kk?
Thanks (link)
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If you're having trouble being a slut (or a tease, if you'd rather not put out) then you really aren't as attractive, chill or have as many friends as you think.
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