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emotions
My name is Walt as you can plainely see from my user name. I am 18 years old an finishing my last year of highschool and for as long as I can remember I have not had the ability to feel emotions. All i can feel is alot of built up rage and hate. I tried to think of what makes me this way, but honestly i can't. I used to be afraid of everything (heights, rollar coasters dying, etc....), but now i have noticed I fear nothing. My chemistry teacher made a blast of fire with grain dust. I did not know that that was going to be the reaction and yet i didn't even flinch. I have an IQ of 142 so im pretty smart but i only pay attention when i am interested in a topic. Last I've been faking emtions aslong for as long as i can think of, everyone i know only knows me because I learned to fake these "emotions". Is there anybody else like me? If so how do you deal with this problem. Are we stuck like this?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
With the increase in capacity for rational thought comes the increase in capacity for rational distance. Stay too far away too long, and you lose your connection to people and the world in general, and reconnecting can be very, very hard.
Yes, there are people like you. I am and have been one of them, and yes, its something you'll grip with for the rest of your life. That disconnect between what others just "feel" is right and you looking at them like they're crazy? That will go on, and on, and on. There's also a chance you've got something like ADD, which would explain the "only pay attention when I am interested in a topic". Impulsiveness combined with intellect means that being bored generates a "do something else, NOW!" impulse thats hard to fight.
The good news is, you're far from hopeless.
Therapy is not a bad idea. Even intelligent people have blind spots, and professionals can help you spot and address those issues you have difficulty pinning down yourself. Honestly, I'd be speaking to a psych if I could afford it (poor ass married college student in his mid 20s) but I have in the past and its worth doing.
Friends are another good idea. Its hard, when you hold everyone at a distance, to let someone get close and to find someone you respect enough to do it. But there are people out there worth respecting and knowing, and those people can help you keep sight of the basic human issues you've got that you'll tend to ignore or deny on your own.
They also serve as a conduit for that emotion, connection grounds you, gives you a regular outlet to pull out the normal human emotional spectrum. Relationships can do that too. I'm not kidding when I say my wife pretty much saved my life in that regard, after a pretty traumatic childhood with parents that I'm still not speaking to, she was what let me truly start establishing loving relationships outside of my fucked up family.
There's a wall between you and what you feel, the emotions aren't gone, you're just so constantly controlled that you don't let any of them out far enough for even you to see them. That wall has to come down somehow and when it does it likely won't be pretty. I'll repeat the recommendation for therapy, because often times there are ways through a problem that you won't figure out for years and years on your own that a therapist can help you figure out in a much shorter and easier time frame.
You're human. Don't ever start thinking that you aren't. You're just fucked up a bit more than usual because of how differently you work mentally from the average person, and it takes time and energy to break that down. But you're still fully capable in there somewhere. I have friends, some of whom are as intelligent as I am and some of whom aren't. They're all good people worth respecting though, and I find common ground where it exists and forge connections over it. It can be sense of humor, activities, whatever, but something that you can relate to others with is the bridge that lets you feel something for them.
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You need a therapist or a counsellor. Talk to your parents or a trustworthy adult, perhaps a school counsellor. There is a way to understand all of this, and there is a way to be different, but you have to reach out.
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Have you ever been tested for Asperger's?
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