Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 29781
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I'm a very sensitive person… sometimes I feel like I'm acting overly sensitive… whenever something sad happens in a book, movie,TV show, graphic novel,etc. I start to cry big crocodile tears. For example, when my mom tells me storys about abused children, and shows pictures of dead baby's body dumped in garbage cans,I cry for 2 hours. Whenever I watch those commercials about starving children and abused animals I start crying. When I watched a video with children seeing their dad's come back from the military and run to them so happy,I start crying. As I'm writing this I'm crying. It can be stuff like that, or dumb stuff like in the lion king, when Mufasa died and Simba was upset,I started crying. In the hunger games when Ru got shot I started crying. When I read in a book a kid started to die because he saved his friends from zombies I started to cry. When I hear about how slaves are treated I cry. When I heard a story about a girl and boy in India who got raped and beat up, then were slowly dying on the streets but no one would help them I cried. I recognize and depressed over things that others don't even notice, like the Yanomami tribe, when I read about them,I cried a bit. But when I told my friends, they just said that was sad. Am I too sensitive?????? (link)
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No problem. If you feel a strong emotion then it's much better to express it than suppress it. If you keep forcing your emotions down and not expressing them at all it can make you behave, or feel a bit odd in other ways...so if a movie scene or a sad news item touches you, have a bit of a cry. Hopefully you feel a bit 'liberated' afterwards? Like you've dealt with the emotion, feel a little more free of it, maybe you feel a sense of calm...not so worked-up about it, or about other things? If so, that's a really good thing! As we get older we mostly tend to get a little 'de-sensitised' to things...meaning we don't feel things quite as spotaneously or deeply, and don't want to let it show when we do. Mainly because we've seen and experienced more. But it's great to keep in touch with your emotions, happy and sad. So don't try and force a 'so what?' attitude onto yourself. The happiest people can laugh and love, and hurt and cry freely. You're doing fine.
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Whenever I experience negative emotions, they surface in the form of anger and I feel like the only way to be able to release these feelings is to scream and punch things. Other people release their negative feelings by simply crying. I can't cry until I scream and shout first, and even then it often doesn't come out. Crying feels good to me because it's the negative feelings without the edge. So it's not as bad as feeling rage. Thankfully I don't take my anger out on people most of the time but then the tension just stores in my body making me seem like an overall cold-hearted unemotional person. How do I release my emotions in a gentle way without anger and frustration? (link)
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Swiss psychologist Carl Jung looked into this. If we constantly supress an emotion, and force it out of our minds, the emotion/issue will keep forcing ITSELF back INTO our mind in an attempt to make us confront it and resolve it. While we keep 'pushing it down' and NOT resolving it (the act of doing so is where the 'cold and unemotional' persona you describe stems from) it will build up and up until it becomes an 'anger bomb'. Ticking away like a time-bomb, ready to explode without warning and at any moment (which is what happens with you, your bombs are quite powerful by the sound of it!). Intuitively, we know that hiding away a ticking time-bomb is not a good way to deal with it. Hence the tension and frustration, a predictable reaction to living with a time-bomb hidden away in your home! We need to 'de-fuse' (as it were) the bomb, so that it is safe. So that it is not making us edgy ticking away, can't explode. Jung suggested we act like a detective, and keep revisting the 'crime scene' (the source of the anger) to gather new information and knowledge and self-knowledge, new 'evidence' until we can 'solve' the case. Hope you're seeing the parallel here, you confront the person, situation, issue that the anger stems from and attempt to solve it. It may be that you have to visit the 'crime scene' alone, in your mind if the event/issue demands it. As it often does. The detective visits the scene AFTER the crime has been committed every time. He cannot prevent it...it's already happened He tries to make sense of it, solve it. So, you gather enough information to de-fuse that anger bomb. Important thing to remember is that we ALL feel anger, the only difference is how we 'manage' our anger. While you're shouting and screaming and crying, you are at least managing it in a manner (rather than suppressing it, which is not managing it at all). We just need to find a way of releasing the energy in a more controlled way, or at least reducing a little of the explosive potential (make it a smaller bomb!). We cannot prevent the situations that cause us anger, and you cannot replace your rather explosive management with nothing at all. So try and resolve things at the time and not 'let the sun set on an argument' as they say. And if you can't....be like that detective and solve the case later. Any help??
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What's the easiest way to change it? (link)
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IP addresses do not contain your physical location or personal details. There's little or nothing to be gained by changing it. Mobile/wireless broadband connections, smartphones, tablets etc use 'dynamic IP addressing' anyway. You're assigned a different 'available' one every time you log-on. And it can even 'drift' during any session. Routers can be 'static IP address' (it IS fixed) or dynamic. Check the technical details if you need to know. I know many people feel that the fact that any website you visit is logged against your IP address (and even dynamic ones retain the address in use at any particular time) is a form of 'monitoring' or 'snooping'. Fact is NO electronic communication is truly secure. It's also a fact that nobody actually uses IP addressing to identify an individual without very good reason and authority. If you want to view websites and leave no trace of presence you need to use a proxy-server or create 'virtual machines' which is pretty involved, and mostly pointless. Even then, you are not truly 'invisible', and if someone uses the internet for a seriously subversive purpose whilst hiding behind a proxy server, it is still traceable...but it's much harder. Spyware is somehow put onto your machine, it will send the new address the first time it 'rings out', so changing it won't prevent malicious websites stealing data and hacking your machine if it's already on your machine...use antivirus software scans and let them delete anything suspicious. Bottom line is you can't use the internet without generating and using a theoretically traceable ip address. Just as you can't use a mobile phone without the date, time, your geographic location and details about who you are connected to being logged. Our 'protection' lies in the fact that for nearly all of us, nearly all the time, the people who have access to this data/meta-data aren't even remotely interested in what we're doing or saying. There's been a case going on in the UK for well over a year now concerning the press hacking phones to obtain information about celebrites etc. As if we didn't KNOW they could do, did it, and are doing it!!
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I've been having strange, mysterious dreams and somehow they all connect. I wanna know what they mean. Which website gets you true dream interpretations by experts, without signing up, giving away any personal information, for free. Any ideas? (link)
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Stick with serious websites or books on psychology. Dream analysis is real. Our mind appears to use the medium of dreams as a sort of 'safety valve' to address issues which we can't, or are reluctant to confront in 'real life' and can be a real help in getting to know about yourself...maybe to unravel subconcious fears and anxieties etc. Be ware that there is no book of literal, definitive 'translations'...your dreams may contain scenes/objects/events etc which will have 'coded' significance to you and you alone...'matching them up' is a big part of the learning/self-acknowledgement process. They are nearly always 'coded', very rarely direct. Some motifs are very common, for instance strong anxiety (about anything) will often cause people to dream that their teeth are falling out! Another common manifestation is being in public with no clothes on...and desperately trying to hide it. Watch out for hocus-pocus, pseudo-spiritual websites which might tell you any old rubbish. Dreams are NOT messages telling you what to do or decide, they are NOT premonitions or predictions of the future, they are NOT communications from other people (alive or deceased). This is simply new-age nonsense and you'll just fill your head with a lot of rubbish. For example, how many internet 'wannabe' sooth-sayers and psychics wrote attention-seeking articles about having a premontion of the World Trade Centre (9/11) terror attack? AFTERWARDS! The day someone predicts an event like this correctly BEFOREHAND and we can actually prevent it...then I'll take it seriously...what do you think?? Real dream analysis is illuminating and self-educating, it's the nearest we come to a dialogue/communication with our own subconcious mind. That's 'magic' enough, I think?
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I've been getting the cold, and strep throat a lot. I want to go outside and pay in the snow, but it's either too cold or I've got the cold. I want to know how to prevent the cold. Any ideas??????????? (link)
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Repeated colds and sore throats usually means your immunity is a bit low. Health shops have things like ecanacia (not sure about the spelling!), cod-liver oil and garlic tablets. These can help with immunity. Lot's of vitamin C really helps us resist colds and flu. Fruit juices are are great and easy source, orange and grapefruit are nice. It has to be pure and fresh, bottles of 'fruit-flavoured' soft drinks are no good at all as a source of vitamin C. Eating fresh fruit's good . Get a juicer and squeeze your own orange juice? Fresh vegetables as part of your diet are great too. Staying fit physically helps, not saying join a gym or health club here...just regular 'fitness'. And although they're essential to beat a bacterial infection at the time, the antibiotics a doctor prescribes do actually lower our own, natural immunity. That's why you have a week, or two week course only. If you've been prescribed a few courses in the last few months then your natural immunity will be lower than usual. It's one of those 'vicious circle' things. Beating an infection yourself beefs up your natural immunity no end, on the other hand. Your body recovers a lowered immunity reasonably quickly and the stuff we talked about helps build it up and keep it in good shape. So you'll be much more likely to 'miss' colds and flu when they're 'going around' at school/work...wherever? Throat infections are bacterial and are treated with antibiotics. Colds and flu are viruses. There's nothing we can do to cure them, they just have to take their course I'm afraid. The 'cold cure' stuff you get from chemists help you 'feel better' (decongestants to clear your nose and throat, bit of paracetamol to get rid of the aches and shivers etc) but don't cure the virus. A strong immune system helps keep the virus from 'latching on' to you. Prevention is better than cure, eh?? The stuff we talked about are all natural treatments to help build up your immune system, if you do suffer with lots of unusually heavy and unusually long bouts of colds or flu, and especially chest infections, then it's time for a chat with the doctor. It might need treating with stuff you can't just buy yourself. Best wishes...soon be summer!!
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I know this sounds odd, but I just want to know about this. I get to do lots of things in the dark, I feel comfortable being in the dark for some reason. My concern is, is it dangerous or perjudicial for my eyes? For my sight? Can I get short-sighted due to this? Thanks in advance! (link)
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Hi. I love daylight but once the sun's set I really love darkness. I feel edgy in harsh or bright artificial/electric light. Don't like it at all. Soft lights and candles I love, just moonlight through the window when it's full or near full is just magical. I find darkness calm and restorative and beautiful. Far as I know doing things in low light is completely harmless. Far and near sightedness is caused by the lens focussing either short of or just behind the retina. Same as we focus a camera. I'm sure you can't 'make yourself' near or far sighted. Reading in poor light gives most people a headache. Very strong light can permanently damage your retina, by comparison. I've accidentally swung telephoto lenses right into the sun a couple of times. Wow! Feels like somone whacking you over the head and for a while all you see is a green blob. Never known darkness do anything like that! Remember electric light is very modern compared to man's history. We lived many thousands of years in the dark, between every sunset and sunrise in fact. Didn't hurt us then, did it?
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Hey advicenators :) Does anyone have experience/knowledge about feral pigeons?
I have this adorable little family of rock pigeons that came into my life when the parents decided to nest on my apartment balcony. I watched them raise their babies every day (they made a nest in my bucket). The babies are all grown up and flown away now, but I still see the parents here every now and then.
The male (atleast I assume he is the male cause he is much bigger than his partner) always had a stick stuck to his leg, with what looks like tangled thin twine. The twig is gone now, but his foot is all curled up and full of twine stuff and it looks like he's trying not to walk on it.. I'm scared he may lose his foot, do you think that it would do any harm if I tried to catch him so I can take it off him? I haven't tried to do anything about it before because I didnt want to scare them away, and I'm pretty high up so I cant do anything when they're off the balcony.
Thanks for any advice (link)
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Catching any wild/feral bird isn't that easy unless they have wing damage or they're too exhasuted to fly, or they fly. As you'd imagine. Trail of food and a pile of it inside a picnic basket with a hinged lid, if it's fairly tame and used to coming near you for food might do it. Basket on it's side, lid propped open with a stick, string tied to the stick. When he's inside pull the stick away. A biggish net, heavy enough to 'throw' will often catch a bird. He won't be able to fly once he's covered. Once you've got him, I do know how to pick him up. Tips of your thumbs together, palms facing each other, fingers outstrectched. Come down on him from above, and behind him. Sort of stroke/press his wings down towards his body as your hands come around him. Till your fingers come round under his breast. Gently, but you will have to be a bit firm. He'll try and spread his wings to fly, and they're a lot stronger than you might think..be ready! Once you've got him in that position he's not going anywhere. Hold him up so a friend can have a look at his leg. Pigeons can stand a lot of handling easily and without harm. He might well poop all over you in fright though, expect that too. It's harmless. Couldn't guess what might be wrong, you'll have to have a good, see if you can help. I have noticed a quite a few pigeons over the years with crooked and/or damaged looking legs now you mention it. They seem to handle it. Never seen a one-legged bird of any kind though, assume they don't make it? Good luck, and it's nice that you care. I always have a good look at a distressed looking bird if it's close to my house and see what I can do. Some people sort of wonder 'What for...it's just a bird' but I ignore them! As I said, it's easy catching them if they can't fly properly. If you can get him in a box he'll be ok there for a while so you can keep an eye on him. A cardboard box with the lid closed is dark, and once a bird's in the dark he'll go as quiet as a mouse, he won't flap and bang about trying to get out and damage himself. Not sure why. Hope it's a bit of help.
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I have an itchy clitoris. There is a thrush like discharge from that area. I think my urine is also acrid. I have also just finished a course of antibiotics. any views (link)
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No great authority on medical issues but I do know that a course of antibiotics can result in an episode of thrush. Thrush is a FUNGAL infection, not BACTERIAL...it's never treated WITH antibiotics. There's quite a lot of non-prescription stuff available to treat it yourself. Cream/pessaries which may come with a single tablet, or not. Either way the itching, and the burning sensation when you pee should quite quickly start to reduce when you use the treatment. Worth a try before you run off to the doctor. Loads of women get episodes of thrush occasionally. If the itching and burning don't respond to a week of treatment, it's time to see the doctor. And if it clears it up, but within a week or so you get the same symptoms return, again it's time for a chat with the doctor. You might be a bit 'short of' some essential vitamin for instance, that makes the thrush keep recurring. Possibly a mild infection that's irritating things 'down there' and causing the thrush. While it's itchy use a natural, unscented soap to wash with. No deodorants or body sprays near the area. Don't 'scrub away' when you shower...go gently, and also gently 'dab' yourself dry. Avoid tight panties, tight shorts or leggings/tights. Any of theses things make it a little harder for your body to 'shake off' the thrush. Keeping the air circulating a bit helps kill off the fungal infection, hence loose fitting clothing/underwear. It loves sugars too...drink plenty of plain water, give up sugary sweet soft drinks and energy drinks until it's gone. These put massive amounts of sugar in you blood and pee...just what you don't want!! You can drink your favourite again, and wear your skimpy shorts or whatever again when it's all cleared up!
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i am thinking of taking my life. does any one know of after life experiences of those who tried and came back? (link)
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Hi. I can assure you NOBODY has EVER died and come back. Any accounts of this will be attributable to sources which are 100% delusory and/or attention seekers. If you mean failed suicide attempts, where the person was brought back from 'close to death' I believe there are many accounts. Should find some on the internet quite easily. They'll vary in provenance and many will be highly dubious, if not works of complete fantasy. The most creditable ones will probably be hospital patients who can back-up their stories with doctors confirming they were indeed 'close to death'. Say, during surgery. I tend to think what they saw would be a combination of their vital functions nearly shutting down completely (brains starved of oxygen or blood supply may create ANY sensory phenomonon), anaesthetics, maybe massive shots of adrenalin etc. I sincerely doubt they were 'sneak previews' of 'the after-life'...don't you?? Don't attempt a 'near suicide' yourself to test any of them out though, will you? It might go all the way. If it does, I guarantee you WILL NOT be back to write your article about it!
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Okay so i'm 13/f and was looking for anime henati (animated porn) and came across a facebook page with it so i clicked it and keep in mind my facebook account with my age in the settings was signed in and about 10 or 15 minutes later a window popped up and it was like policewatch dot org or something and had all these things saying my ip address and all these fines and that i had been convicted or something of holding/viewing pornography while underage and then said that my browser activity had been banned until my entire pc had been scanned and then when i tried to ex out of pages or change the website im on this window came up saying the same thing that my browsr activity has been banned and i tried shutting my computer down but a thingy came up saying google chrome has kept the compiter from shutting down so i force quit EVERYTHING and shut down my entire computer and im still hyperventalating and im so scared i havnt touched my computer in like an hour am i in trouble is this real please somebody help me because you have no idea how terrified i am (also sorry if wrong category i wasnt sure) (also im using mobile to ask this) (link)
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I'll 'third' that. Whoever locked up your pc it ain't the FBI! In fact, the only porn sites that authorities monitor are vile ones peddling child-porn. Rightly so. Download stuff like that and you deserve all you get! You've got a scammer. They tried to scare you, and it's worked. You'll get the 'fine' or a 'fee to unlock your computer' message before long. Ignore it. Don't part with any cash. Tell your parents. Say you've got a virus on your computer. It's falsely accusing you of accessing porn (no need to mention the anime/facebook, mate!) and it's stopped your computer working properly. A lot of people think sites like eBay, Facebook, Twitter etc are totally safe and virus-free. But crooks can use them to host malware and viruses. So keep your checkers full-on when you're up and running again!!
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Alright so i live in Pakistan and i am 15 years old. I like a guy in my academy in my class it's been since 3 months i guess...
He always used to you know stare me and tease me....and help me in any way he can. He is like this only with me...(he liked me but didnt made it obvious) the point is that because of asian culture we cannot be friends..my parents dont mind that i will be friends with boys but they dont know him and they dont trust him (so you can see it is hard for me to explain them everything)
Okay so the main point comes here one day i was going he stopped me near the staircase ALONE !!
And asked me that can we be friends ??? Alright he is my crush i wanted to be his frnd but i was queit and shocked...he went from there without saying anything.
I told my sis about it and she told my mom -.-
She was angry but didnt said anything.. Then what hppnd is my mom went to my teachers and told them all the situation (she didnt tell them his name) so you see everything got worse....
He knew his compalin came etc but he was normal with me like before.....and now since 3 days he is totally IGNORING me out...(he told everyone his father is coming to the academy to check his progress so he was little tense about it too though he didnt came maybe he is like his father is coming so my teachers wont complain about him) he stares me but he ignores me and it really kills me...shud i talk to him that we can be good class fellows and sorry for what happened the past whole week or i should just let him ignore me :(.....(keep in mind we both are under observation by everyone)
I dont know he was normal after what all happened and i was too we both were going fine but idk what happaned with him...so what shud i do ?? Write him a letter talk to him and explain things or just let it go (but i feel sorry for him)
P.S his cousin who is in my class was staring me today and helped me twice with my work (he never did that before) and was smiling like an idiott.....is it connected something with my crush ??? :/ because today my crush was ignoring me but his cousin was staring me and smiling at me and helping me with my work.......but before my crush used to do this...(my crush was staring me today but as i mentioned above IGNORED me)
Kindly tell me what to say to my crush..shud i explain things to him or not ? ( i feel sad for him and miss theway he used to tease me and all :( ) (link)
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Hi there! I'm a little bit unsure of what I can or cannot advise here. I'm English and I'm sure you know that different cultures have different customs, rules and conventions. And I'm not all that familiar with some of yours. For example, in the UK it would be very unusual for the parents of a 15 year old girl to approach a school with a complaint unless she was perhaps being bullied, or a boy there was making some sort of sexual advances towards her that she found unwanted and upsetting. Clearly he is not doing anything of this seriousness. Bear with me, and I'll do my best to help all I can. OK. You've liked this boy for quite a long time. He's helped you, been very nice to you. You have shared a laugh and a joke. And you have fallen for him. And it seems like he feels the same. He asked you to be friends, I assume he'd like to spend more time with you? You lost your nerve a bit? Your parents don't approve of him. It did not go well and he will have left feeling you had said 'no'. 'Turned him down' as it were? And now your parents have become involved, and that has involved teachers and (even worse for him) his parents. It has all become like a rope or a piece of string that has got all tangled and tied in knots, would you agree? He will be feeling rather bad. Firstly, the girl he likes and wanted to 'ask out' has apparently rejected him. Now teachers and parents are involved. Because of the confusion he might even be thinking that YOU had complained about him? He will be feeling rather foolish and insulted. His pride will be hurting. So it is not very likely that he will carry on as though nothing had happened. He will feel very awkward, and very uncomfortable when you are around, and this is almost certainly why he is now ignoring you. Going back to normal is really what you want, isn't it? I believe the only way out of this is through communication. Perhaps writing a letter or note to him? Explain the situation as you understand it and be sure to tell him that you are pleased and flattered that he asked to be your friend. And you would have loved to say 'yes'. But things are difficult with parents. OK. That's step one. Now to the second bit. I don't think is anywhere near so strict and formal in my culture, but it's true that a girl of less than 18 will find it very hard to deliberately go against the wishes of parents if they are determined that she will not a particular boy. At 18, and if she is independent and has an income of her own and the means to live and support herslef she could of course do anything she wanted to. So I can see that you are obliged to follow their wishes. I assume he has not done anything we could call wrong or improper? As I understand it, the only objection they have is that they do not know much (or anything) about him and his family? Is there any way that the two of you, both accompanied by your parents could meet up and GET TO KNOW each other? It seems the most obvious solution. Unless that is made impossible by some custom or convention (or 'rule') that I do not know anything about. I understand that you are rather ruled by your parents decisions, but I think that, as you seem to like each other a lot and get on well, it would be a shame to just 'let it go' as you say, without making a good attempt to be together as friends. I don't have very much of an idea where his cousin fits into this, I must admit. Possibly he has confided in his cousin and he is hoping to help straighten things out between you? To act as a sort of 'bridge' between you because recent events have made it difficult for you to talk to each other directly? This is purely a guess however. I hope that I have managed to help a bit. I would certainly write that note. Even if you cannot resolve the issue of parental friendship and consent and you are somehow completely 'forbidden' to be his friend, then at least HE will know the truth. And YOU will have done the right thing in telling him your true feelings. Good luck. X
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I got ur response about my husband watching porn.. and I understand where you are coming from.. and an answer to one question about when he is confronted about porn or anything else in general.. he gets angry and denies anything and everything.. and then tries to turn the situation on me sometimes.. its like he thinks he never does anything wrong.. just the other night he was well drunk.. we were at a friends house drinking earlier and we went home and he started being mean and rude and saying hurtful things (and no he doesn't usually get that way when he drinks) and then after awhile he started throwing up and then got really emotional and apologizing and saying he doesn't wanna lose me and how much he loves me.. if that is the case then how come he treats me that way? and also, I do not go through his phone! there are just times that I come across the porn not thinking I was gonna come across it.. it just happened.. there are also times when he is confronted by things that he will just walk away/leave and then come back thinking and acting like nothing happened! and im sorry but im the type of person that if we are fighting you cant just walk away and then come back thinking everything is fine! im the type of person that if something happens I gotta talk to you about it or else it wont get resolved or whatever you wanna call it.. he is also the type of person that does not talk about his feelings or about how he feels or anything related to that! sometimes I have to practically beat it out of him to get some kind of answer or anything. and I kind of hate it because it makes it harder on me! lately yes, I have noticed that there are times that I can tell that he is trying a little.. but other than that its like im getting nowhere! I know that my husband loves me..and I love him with all my heart and then some.. but after everything that has happened in the past and some stuff that still continues to happen just makes everything a lot harder stressful on me! and yes, I do find porn disgusting.. why would anyone wanna sit there and watch random people have sex? its gross personally.. but like I have said.. my main thing is the lies and the hiding tuff from me.. it just makes me wonder what else he could be hiding from me?!?!?!?!?!?!? thank u for your help! (link)
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I think I'm beginning to see the picture a little more clearly. OK, you are not over 'nosey' or intrusive. Blind alley. In general he reacts to criticism by completely denying the accusation. And later he even 'denies the denial' in a sense, and wants you to carry on as if it indeed, never happened at all. I'm a little wary of you thinking I'm 'defending the man's side' unfairly, but I will point out that many men are simply NOT as comfortable talking about 'feelings' as women. They'll talk about sport, work etc...all the usual topics. But feelings? Good god no! It's so often a real block in overcoming problems which can be resolved by communication...one side finds it hard to communicate...not a great start! Now, unresoved issues WILL lead to anger. You 'manage' (or control if you like) your anger via communication. By 'airing your views' and not simply running away and turning your back on them. Which is what he does, right? His annoyance, frustration, anger (which we ALL feel, however 'perfect' a friend's life or relationship may look to us from the outside) does not find an outlet. He isn't so much 'managing his anger badly' so much as 'not managing it at all'. But the pent-up emotion must find SOME outlet, and he will tend to turn it on you...in the form of the rude and hurtful comments. And I believe he is most probably deliberately 'spoiling for a fight' with you over the porn thing. It's a 'focus', virtually guaranteed to cause an argument...I know you find porn disgusting...I assume he does? It's a handy stick to beat you with. Now, the other night? With the 'assistance' (if you could put it like that!) of 'too much to drink' he briefly sort of 'broke down' a bit. He dropped his guard, dropped the silly, irrational denials. And what came out? Anger, violence, abusive language...NO. What came out was "I love you very much and couldn't bear to lose you". No 'turning things around'...he took the reposibility. " I (myself) do not (through my actions) want to lose YOU" THIS IS THE POSITIVE WHICH WE HAVE TO BUILD ON!! You are clearly a 'communicator' and are intuitive. He's certainly hiding his FEELINGS from you. You obviously feel that he is hiding something else? Something physical, ( something'real' if you like, not just emotional). You need to get together and talk openly and frankly. You need to find the right moment, and the right approach. Tell him you feel that you seem to be 'at each other's throats' all the time lately. That you feel he's being secretive and shutting you out. And that's making you imagine all kinds of things, and it's scaring you. Say you've noticed he seems unhappy at times, and troubled, and angry about everything. Tell him you love him, that you know he loves you, that you want to clear the air, help. But you can't unless you know what's wrong. You have to draw it out of him. NOT beat it out of him. When we feel 'attacked'...what do we do? We defend ourselves. Up will go his barriers! There is always the possibility of course that you are going unearth and discover things that will not be to your liking. If you do, you most definitely appear to be the more 'emotionally mature' character of the two. So fight down the urge to condemn, criticise or fly off the handle as it were, even if you feel it's properly justified. We're looking for a solution, not a pointless 'showdown'. Put your side of course, but try to resist the urge to use it as a 'stage' for you to stand up on and air all your grievances. You are handling you anger much better than he is, remember? Give HIM 'the stage' as you might say. Let him rave and rant a bit if he needs to. To get it all out in the open, by whatever means necessary. Then we'll have something more to build on. I don't usually say this, but you know where we are. Stay in touch via the inbox if there's anything you want to ask me, tell me, talk about....whatever. If YOU want to rave on a bit, rave at me if you like! Best wishes, stay strong. At your service, madam!
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Do you think my gym teacher enjoys looking at the male students in her class?
In 10th grade I am doing gym class and the teacher is this young lady (younger than 30) and she is pretty good looking. We are doing the swim unit and all the boys in the class of course are just in their swimming shorts. I wonder if the female gym teacher is enjoying looking at all the shirtless boys in the water?
Even just to see how fit everyone really is? (link)
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Intuitively, without even meeting her or witnessing the situation, I'd say she's seen more young lads with their shirts off than you've had hot dinners, being a gym teacher and all. And it's very unlikely that she's casting a predatory, or even remotely 'sexually interested' eye on them. I think her adult teaching colleagues would have noticed long ago if she was prone to this sort of conduct, and she wouldn't be a teacher any more. Apart from which, one doesn't find many women of thirty-ish being strongly attracted to teenaged students as potential partners. I doubt she finds the sight of fit and healthy young men UNATTRACTIVE, or in any way unpleasant of course. But desiring and lusting after them. No. I'd be prepared to bet that more than one of the lads is gazing at this 'pretty good looking' young woman and dreaming a little dream or two. I'm sure I would have been, anyway! But while she may well have represented my 'dream girl come true', I sincerely doubt that I (or indeed any one of us) would have appeared as quite such a 'catch' to her....alas!
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I got your comment on my post about my husband watching porn.. my main problem is that he lies to me about it and hides it from me.. when in the past I have told him numerous times that if he gonna watch just tell me.. and don't hide it from me.. and the fact that he continues to hide it from me and lie to me is whats makes me extremely mad!! for example just the other day I was not going threw his phone I went on it to look something up because mine was dead and we were at a friends house and as soon as I pulled up his google app it popped up his history where he was looking up porn.. a little while later he could tell that something was bothering me and he asked me what was wrong and as soon as we were alone I mentioned it to him calmly.. and surprise surprise he denied it!! like seriously.. it doesn't just pop up in your history unless you typed it in and you pushed enter and you looked it up.. so of course at the point when I seen that I went to his internet and clicked on the history and he deleted the history on that!! sure all men out there wont understand where im coming from and they just defend the fact that its a "guy thing" (link)
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Hi there! Thanks for responding, I can see now that the main issue is not pornography itself, but one of deception. I believe I did mention this, but was reluctant to pursue it too deeply in case the OPPOSITE was true. ie. It's pornography you take particular exception to. So, we've discussed the 'guy thing' side. I neither defend nor condemn it. There are many guys who show no little, or even no interest in pornography from maturity onwards. There is no particular 'right or wrong' here. I was hoping to assure you that even those who enjoy it are rarely, if ever using it as a straightforward 'replacement' for a real-life loving relationship, with a real-life woman. I sincerely doubt there was ever a man who left his partner in order to "pursue a relationship with pornography insted". It does seem rather perplexing that when faced with absolute proof, delivered in a calm and rational manner by yourself...that he will continue to take a complete 'denial' line of defence. We commonly encounter such a blithe refusal to face truth (when it is unpleasant or uncomfortable) in young children. They will continue to insist that 'It wasn't me' (even when it clearly WAS), along with the rather unlikely 'Monsters made me do it!' type of explanation. We are less likely to find it in adults, and indeed it can be very distressing, (not to mention frustrating and annoying) when we do. We might at least expect a well-reasoned defence, excuse or some attempt at a convincing explanation. After all 'innocent until proven guilty' is a concept we all passively take for granted. My idea about confronting it head-on, while treating the subject in a suitably 'off-hand' sort of way, I see you have tried? With no success. So we must dig deeper. No instant feedback can really 'tie one hand behind your back' as it were, so bear with me...you're welcome to respond all you like via the inbox of course, but it's not so good as 'live' conversation. Is there a privacy issue involved somewhere? Would you say you are a person who 'likes to know' as much as possible? Does he ever give you the feeling that he resents it, if so? Could he be accessing porn, knowing it will be discovered, in order to 'prove to himself' that you are checking his communication devices to see if he is accessing porn? (You with me? That's a bit of a 'loop' of a sentence mate!!) Then, perhaps the fact that his irrational denial 'makes you mad' is no chance or coincidence. Could it be a bit of a 'power-play', deliberately designed to make you feel mad? To 'push your buttons, and get a result' as it were. This, naturally does not imply that he has anything whatsoever in his life he desperately needs to 'cover up' and keep from you. It may just be that he resents what he feels are 'intrusions on his privacy.' Lets try another thought. What would you say is HIS take on porn? Pretty 'matter of fact'? It's no big deal. Does he feel at ease, comfortable discussing pornography, or when the subject is raised, does he appear decidedly NOT comfortable, embarrassed... he quickly changes the subject? If he is, or was horrified, disgusted with pornography, but at the same time feels strongly (but 'secretly'as it were) 'drawn to it' then the fact that he is 'caught' viewing it might well drive him into the completely irrational 'denial' when you confront him over it. We're getting into some deep-ish water here, but our minds can become fascinated and even obsessed by the very things that disgust or horrify us. It's not unusal by any means. Now think in general, not particularly porn. When he is trying to defend himself against something in which he is certainly 'on the wrong side of' would you say his comments, explanations and general sttitude is a mature one? Or in honesty, rather inclined to be petulant and 'childish'? Is he quick to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his mistakes and bad judgements? Or very reluctant, and even shows a complete refusal to be accountable? We are looking at intellectual maturity here of course. (NOT his intelligence or his skills and abilities, please DO NOT misunderstand me here...they are NOT the same thing at all). I hope I have given you a few things to think about. Without YOU giving ME some answers (Curious eh? You're the one who's meant to ask the questions!!) I can't really go any further. Ponder at leisure, or fire me some feedback and we'll have another look. Up to you....best wishes whatever you choose.
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Where do I begin..
When I was 16 I started dating Levi. I was a high school drop out, he was a 4.0 student. We fell in love, hard. I was head over heels for this kid. Things were pretty good, aside from his cliche over protective and hateful Mother. (Ah the classic evil mother in law situation). And the only real complaints I had about Levi was that he wasn't super cuddly or emotional with me, whereas I'm a very cuddly, almost clingy type. lol. And that he had an interest in experimenting with drugs in college(weed, molly, alcohol). I didn't like the idea at all, but he was more adventurous than I.
When Levi and I turned 18, he was applying to Universities around the state. He ended up getting into one that was about 6 hours away. This sparked some thought on his part as to whether continuing our relationship would be best. At the time I felt that a long distance relationship would be worth it to me, I was very in love. Long story short, he thought it would be best to break it off. So he did, and let me just say it was the worst time of my life. I have never experienced heart break like I did at that point. Levi then moved 6 hours away.
This next part, I'm not too proud of. Within 2-3 weeks of this break up, I fell for someone else; a definite rebound. This new guy, David, was not my type, he just showed up when I was heart broken and in need of a hug. He was 7 years older than me, and was very charming. I was hooked pretty quickly, only to find that he was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive.
About 3 months after meeting him, David decided he wanted to run back to an ex and see if there was anything left between them. At this same time he and I were on a 'break', Levi and I began talking and he explained to me that breaking up with me was a huge mistake; he wanted me back. He wanted that long distance relationship with me. But I was stuck. David already had me in his claws and I was battered, he had isolated me from my family and friends and he had made me believe that he was the best I would ever have. I can't explain why at the time I couldn't just leave him. I still wish I could go back in time and shake myself for that one. Anyway, David and I were on a break, and while he was out hanging out with his ex, Levi was in town for Christmas, visiting his family. Long story short, we hung out, and ended up having sex. I was very conflicted at this point and ended up shutting Levi out and going back to David.
3 years later....
David still had me under his thumb, but I was extremely tired of being pushed around, hit, yelled at, and made to feel inadequate. I left him in december of 2011. It wasn't easy, but I did it. David was of course devastated and he began stalking me (at one point finding out I was dating around, breaking into my house with a baseball bat, shattering windows, kicking down doors, etc.). He was arrested 3 times in the 3.5 years I was with him, mostly for domestic violence.
After I left him, I felt so free. During those 3 years, Levi and I still occasionally talked through text, phone or skype. Usually a catch-up type conversation. We always remained friends with a soft spot for one another.
Levi was still away at college, I was 22 by this point. In November of 2012 I met Chester (yes that's his real name, lol.) Sparks flew, he was perfect, we fell for each other very quickly. I thought I had found 'the one'. Then at that tell-tale point in the relationship (roughly 6 months in) Chester started sort of backing off, not trying as hard, etc. He had kind of put on a facade and acted the way he thought I wanted him to. Then once I was hooked and in love, he stopped being as sweet. Chester lives about 45 minutes away from me, and he drives to see me on the weekends. We're both in college, but we go to different colleges. Now I am 23 years old, in a relationship with Chester, and not super happy. We've been together 1 year and 2 months. Chester is hoping to get a job once he graduates in June, and wherever that job is, he is going to move and he hopes I'll move with him. The problem is that I'm an emotional, needy person and I would hate to move away from my family and friends and my hometown for someone that I'm not sure will be sweet enough, supportive enough, or compassionate enough to take care of my feelings, especially if I move with him and he's the only person I have.
SO!
Here comes the predicament..
Levi graduated college and moved back home. He and I caught up and we have yet to kick those residual feelings for one another. He told me that all these years, he couldn't date anyone else, and every time he heard I was with someone else it made his stomach churn. He was been in love with me since we were 16 and that hasn't changed. He said it hurts less and less over the years (5 and a half years since we broke up) but the pain never went away, and he went through some pretty deep depression because he felt he had made a huge mistake.
I on the other hand have dated other people which helped cover the feelings I had for Levi. I tried to get over him by connecting with other people. It worked for the most part, but I've been conflicted still and always left with a 'what if' feeling.
So comes the question of whether security is worth it... I am in love with Chester, though our relationship is missing his emotional support and affection. He makes me feel secure, I know if I lost the roof over my head he would be there, if I needed emergency money, he would be there to help. Hell, I'm driving his car or truck at any given point because he stored my car because it is unreliable and he wanted me to be able to get around reliably.
I feel like Chester could provide for me financially, if I stick with him I won't have to worry about money or being homeless. But often times I feel sort of lonely with him.
Then there's Levi, who is staying with his grandparents until he can find a job. He doesn't have a car and doesn't have an income. There's no security there. But I feel myself drawn to him romantically. I'm the type of woman who wants to marry, have a kid, adopt a kid, and be a house wife/mother. Security is huge for me, yet so is love. So I guess my question is... What would you do? This seems to be a timeless predicament, doesn't it?
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Hi there! I've got to admit I've read through your (positively epic!) post quite a few times and I'm wondering if I should, or even could add anything of any value at all. You do seem to have consecutively encountered three rather 'extreme' (shall we say?) character-types here, don't you? Shall we try some rough-ish 'character profiling' and maybe unearth the one most (or indeed least) likely to connect with your own? Levi sounds to me the gloomy, introspective and somewhat 'tragic' character of the three. You certainly seem to be carrying a mighty torch for him. A few caveats? He seems to have 'caved-in' rather after losing you, racked with regrets and remorse. Would he crack-up in a similar manner if life (even with you) dealt him a few blows? Will he be there for you and your needs, or too wrapped in his own worries? Be aware that having little daily contact with someone we miss often makes us creat a wholly imaginary perfection in them. We turn them into an ideal soulmate, lover etc. And naturally, having created our perfect partner, we fall in love with what we have created. Don't wade in with your eyes closed. Weigh him up a bit. Is he what your remember? Is he REALLY anything like what you've created? And of course, "living on love, who cares about money and a roof over our heads" sounds a lot less fine, noble and romantic when...well...you're broke and you haven't got a roof over your heads!! Which brings us to David. Err...yeah. Uncompensated, unhinged control freak. Borderline psychotic by the sound of it. He seems to have ruled himself out of the running...thankfully! Think you did right getting away there, and with your sanity (life??) intact. So to Chester. Worthy, dependable. Compliant. Will mould his own character to the will and desire of yours. Wants what's 'best' for himself and you. I think he would certainly be compassionate and supportive enough to take very good care of you in the practical, material sense. But....(big punt here based on 'reading between the lines')...there's no spark, no real connection and you find him dull and uninteresting? Apologies if I'm wrong. But what about you? Torn between two mutually exclusive desires. The desire to replicate the secure, settled and welcoming domestic life you have enjoyed yourself. Versus those turbulent, emotionally charged bad boys and dangerous dudes that to the late teenaged 'you' seemed to hold all the aces when it comes to the drama and excitement of 'true love'. The ones we believe we can tame, and change? I seem to have come full circle, and I'm certain that what I've written does not actually constitute an answer in any meaningful sense. But I hope that something in it might help you start asking the right questions. Maybe also, 'the one' is in fact 'none of the above'?? I also have a vague idea that if you read this, there's a good chance you'll dislike me intensely. Choose wisely, as they say. You write fluently, clearly, intelligently and entertainingly by the way. So I'm confident you'll consider your choice carefully and have the confidence and savvy to walk away from it if it turns out to be a bad one. My very best wishes.
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One of my male friends said that if his wife does not want to satisfy him sexually then he has a right to cheat on her with another woman. Or if she denies him sex then he should cheat. He says that women should always please their husbands. A lot of people agreed with him on this. I don't its okay to cheat just because your wife doesn't feel like having sex. What if your wife can't have sex because of medical conditions? What do you think?
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Absolutely NOT OK to cheat on a partner. As for the statement 'women should always please their husbands'?? What a dumbed-down, sexist, childish (and possibly all three!) comment! Naturally, the physical side of a relationship is important. It would be advisable to look for a reason WHY a woman does not want to be physically intimate with the partner she has chosen. There can be reasons, possibly addressed via counselling/therapy, or by simple informal communication. (ie. they talk to each other about it and endeavour to find a solution, or at worst a compromise). There can be medical reasons, a doctor is of course the first port of call. Either way, cheating is not an acceptable solution. In fact the only acceptable solutions if the case is permanently beyond doubt or help are he either accepts a 'sexless' marriage or they separate. I'm not convinced that a women allowing her husband to have sex with other women is ever really a beneficial long-term solution. Where is this 'supply' of women who will accept just sex, with a married man...with no ambition or desire for committment...indefinitely, going to come from for a start? Perhaps a single 'outside relationship'? A case of 'being faithful to his infidelity'..as you might say? Is it not likely that a far deeper connection is going to develop, on one side or the other, or both? Which only leaves escorts, paid companions (OK, prostitutes to put it plain and simple). Admittedly, THEY are not likely to fall in love with a client, as paying her for sex rarely endears a man to a woman! But it would take a very particular type of woman to find the arrangement of her partner using prostitutes acceptable, don't you think? You're right with your belief. It is not acceptable. And a woman who consents to her partner having sex with other women is either sacrificing her self-esteem entirley in order to please/keep him, or is completely apathetic to the relationship. Either condition is more than a little toxic, I'm sure you agree? We have to be pragmatic and realistic. If a relationship reaches this point and a. a sexless relationship is not acceptable to the man. b. No workable solution or compromise can be found. And c. The woman has at least the usual degree of self-respect, then in 99 out of 100 cases it will ultimately end in estrangement and separation. It's a matter of 'when' and not 'if'. We must also remember that a loss of interest in sex (for no physical/medical reason) is far, far more likely to be the SYMPTOM of other problems than the CAUSE. Good, mutually enjoyable, mutually desired sex will not of course solve deeper relationship issues. That's ridiculous. Even the most 'in love' couple spend only a small amount of time actually having sex when compared to living in general. But other relationship and/or personal issues will very often 'put the dampers' on mutually desired and enjoyable sex. It's not the be-all and end-all of the relationship, but IT IS a very good 'indicator' or 'marker' of the state of the relationship outside the bedroom. Guidance with pyscho-sexual problems are perhaps the most frequently requested service of the psychologist/therapist/counsellor. Also worth a mention, male interest in sex is stronlgy tied to him achieving and maintaining an erection. And around 50% of men will at some time in their lives experience a period (which may be brief, or somewhat longer) of lacking this 'interest', shall we say. This can of course be treated (and VERY successfully so!) with various prescription drugs. Best know perhaps being sildenafil ('Viagra'). It's interesting to note that no reputable, proven 'Women's Viagra' exists, isn't it? This is certainly because if a woman loses interest in sex, the 'block' overwhelmingly likely to be pyschological (in some way 'emotionally/mentally driven'). Which is not readily or easily treated by drugs. Hope my reply is not too technically rigorous/boring/sends you to sleep...etc. But I feel it deserves an answer in full. I'm not a fan of 'dumbing stuff down' and spoon-feeding cliches and home-spun philosophies to people who show an interest. Best wishes.
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So I'm having trouble when I'm part of a group in joining the conversation. I just think I'm being rude by butting in with comments.
Also when I do make a comment, people always speak over one another to comment back and then they go off on a tangent again which I think is a little rude.
So how can I join in a conversation with people who are loud without being rude? (link)
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Love your reply from Dragonflymagic as an introduction to the art of conversation. It's rapidly becoming a 'dying art' I often think. It is absolutely a 'flow', with no predetermined idea as to where it will lead. Verbal 'jousting' and jostling when it's done properly. The interjections and butting-in are not rudeness. They are like the constant 're-fuelling' of a roaring log fire, they keep it alight and burning. The pleasure is so often that it does 'fly off at tangents'. I wonder if social networking/text messaging etc is responsible for the rather unimaginative process of an ordered sequence of 'my turn...SEND...your turn'? And, yep...the dinner party bore who goes 'swimming in lake ME' all night can tend to kill it dead! Still, there's always next time...and they often find themselves "accidentally uninvited...oh NO!"....By general agreement! Those curious little 'silences' I find intriguing too. As if the general spirit of repartee & riposte has a sort of 'life of it's own' and pauses for a moment...saying "Come on, someone throw a fresh log on the fire". As for joining the conversation, drop something in which is broadly in keeping with the topic of the moment, but endeavours to add something 'new'. If it hits a generally receptive spot...you've created your own tangent. A fresh path to wander down. If it misses...another opportunity shall surely come your way. You may have guessed...I enjoy conversation!
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Hi I am 21 years old. When i was younger I was molested. Its a terrible memory and something I struggle and deal with to this day. I have tried therapist after therapist but i am always on edge and nervous and have anxiety through the roof. 2 years ago I met the most amazing man. We tried our hardest to have a relationship but I struggle with letting him in. It doesnt make sense but I trust him, my anxiety takes off and pushes him away though. He finally said he couldnt handle it anymore and until I worked on it and made progress we couldnt't be together. He means the world to me. But as hard as i try nothing works. Any suggestions?
Thanks in advanced! (link)
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What you went through was an awful and psychologically damaging experience. This is why every civilised culture acts to the best of it's ability to protect the young and to prevent the offenders from doing any more harm. By keeping them away from the vulnerable and monitoring known offenders. This 'amazing man' is perhaps the first, most important step in you coming to terms with your ordeal. He's right here, providing the motivation. Therapy is not, sadly a golden key or an instant fix. I wish it was. It is a two way thing, a relationship between therapist and subject. He (or she) can only 'meet you half way' as it were. The other half you have to provide. It's in your hands. Now dig deep. What happened to you is in the past, in the physical sense. Are you going to let what this vile creature did to you impact on your future happiness? Are you going to let him hurt you all over again? Are you going to let him win? NO. YOU ARE NOT. Try to 'replay' some of your therapy sessions. Try to let the ideas you discussed take root, and grow. You have the spur now, the motive. Seek further sessions if you need to, this time you have your lovely new potential partner as the goal. You might take much more away from them this time. Despite everything, you feel a trust in this man. This is such a precious thing, believe me. So many other emotions can be fleeting, deceptive....without trust. So come on, step by step, start making choices NOW that will work towards putting you back where you want to be. Where you deserve to be. Include him IN of course. Don't rush to force the relationship too far too soon. How about a regular little 'progress meeting', as you might say? Where you just sit and talk about all the things you're learning about yourself, how you're feeling. Keep your meetings informal. At home, over a glass of wine, or dinner, or both. It is hard to 'let him in' as you put it? I know. You've had your confidence, your trust in men, and maybe also in the whole 'fairness' of life in general, shaken to the very core. Step by step we rebuild it. Know also that 'relapse is part of recovery' in many cases, and don't give up. You WILL get there! X
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I want to make body building must I quit masterbation (link)
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You do not have to stop masturbating. It's a rather old but completely untrue idea (a myth) that masturbation weakens the physique, lessens your intellect (brain power), sends you blind etc. Most of these ideas were put about when we chose to believe it was sinful or immoral to masturbate, in order to discourage it. We are more enlightened these days, but the old myths somehow manage to hold on. You're fine.
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alright so my husband and I have been together for 5 years and married 2 1/2 years.. and in the past I have caught him with porn on his phone (first time about 3 years ago..) and I know he still does it.. ive seen it.. but everytime I confront him he denies it! and says he doesn't know how it got there.. hello.. im not dumb.. it doesn't just pop up!! theres only been one time in all the years that he actually confessed to it! and that night we had a long talk and I explained to him how it made me feel and what not.. he hugged me and comforted me and promised me that he would never do it again.. but he has.. and I just found some stuff on the tv tonight that he was looking at porn related things.. what do I do?! things have been going really good in our marriage and I don't wanna say anything and make things bad again.. and I don't wanna not say anything and him think that because he aint "getting caught" that he can continue to do it.. I don't understand why he does it.. we are VERY sexually active.. an what not.. so its not like he isn't getting any.. so idk why he insist on watching it.. idk if its me.. or him.. if I should say something... or not.. and yes, I know its just porn.. and I know its not like he is having an affair.. but its the fact that I have told him and explained to him NUMEROUS times how it makes me feel and everytime he promises he doesn't do it or he will stop... but he doesn't stop and he does do it!! I don't want porn to ruin my marriage! (link)
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I think adviceman49's post pretty much says it all about the relationship between males & pornography. I certainly hope you DO NOT let it ruin your marriage. Would be a shame to let fantasy impact on reality at all in fact. I'll just add that for some guys, the fact that porn is a little bit of a 'guilty secret' that we hope we are not 'found out' over actually adds to the frisson, shall we say? In our youth it is 'hidden' from our parents, and yep...when we are older it's concealed from wives and girlfriends! A few ideas to de-fuse what might become a far bigger issue than it really deserves to be? How about a frank, 'so what' approach? Make light of it as his 'boys toys' and a 'you still looking at your girlie pictures?' approach. Takes away a little of the 'forbidden fruit' thrill and gets it all in the open, which lessens it's power and might even make him feel a tiny bit, well...foolish...and/or juvenile? Or alternatively, although you say you don't want to, turning a blind-eye (but a 'knowing' blind eye of course) has many advantages in many sreas of adult life...which I'm sure you realise. Porn can strongly polarise opinion. Personally the only objection I believe really holds up to the light is that too much exposure to pornographic imagery from too young an age (which is far more common since the internet) can tend to give younger males a distorted perspective of women, that they are primarily, or even purely 'sex objects' which exist for the amusement and gratification of men. In fact this is a better description of pornography than women! And in most cases when the younger guys engage in real relationships with real women they pretty quickly have this illusion knocked clean out of them. Finally...OK. You caught him, he promised it woldn't happen again...and it happenned again. In effect, he lied to you. And I don't doubt you feel somewhat hurt, dissapointed, let down? I strongly urge that you DO NOT over-react, that you step back and keep this in proportion and perspective. If there's a hint of an idea of 'if he can lie about this he can lie about anything...how can I trust him?' just make every effort to beat it down. Some people will surely tell you this, it's of those sort of home-spun philosophies that will persist in some characters. Really, human nature is much too complex and mulit-layered to sum up with such a simple statement. Of course, he hasn't instantly become a devious, untrustworthy, pathological liar!! Keep your cool, keep your logic and reason. You sound like you've got a good solid relationship. Try to focus on all the things you're getting right, don't dwell too much on the relatively small thing that's not quite to your liking. Look at it as perhaps a rather common, largely harmless little 'weakness' of the male character perhaps? And like adviceman49 said, we males do tend to respond strongly to the visual stimulus, women tending to respond more to the intellectual ('ideas' rather than pictures). Does reading a romantic and/or sexually explicit novel entail a woman being unfaithful to her partner? Of course not!! Any help??
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