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Mind vs. Heart; Security or Love?
Where do I begin..
When I was 16 I started dating Levi. I was a high school drop out, he was a 4.0 student. We fell in love, hard. I was head over heels for this kid. Things were pretty good, aside from his cliche over protective and hateful Mother. (Ah the classic evil mother in law situation). And the only real complaints I had about Levi was that he wasn't super cuddly or emotional with me, whereas I'm a very cuddly, almost clingy type. lol. And that he had an interest in experimenting with drugs in college(weed, molly, alcohol). I didn't like the idea at all, but he was more adventurous than I.
When Levi and I turned 18, he was applying to Universities around the state. He ended up getting into one that was about 6 hours away. This sparked some thought on his part as to whether continuing our relationship would be best. At the time I felt that a long distance relationship would be worth it to me, I was very in love. Long story short, he thought it would be best to break it off. So he did, and let me just say it was the worst time of my life. I have never experienced heart break like I did at that point. Levi then moved 6 hours away.
This next part, I'm not too proud of. Within 2-3 weeks of this break up, I fell for someone else; a definite rebound. This new guy, David, was not my type, he just showed up when I was heart broken and in need of a hug. He was 7 years older than me, and was very charming. I was hooked pretty quickly, only to find that he was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive.
About 3 months after meeting him, David decided he wanted to run back to an ex and see if there was anything left between them. At this same time he and I were on a 'break', Levi and I began talking and he explained to me that breaking up with me was a huge mistake; he wanted me back. He wanted that long distance relationship with me. But I was stuck. David already had me in his claws and I was battered, he had isolated me from my family and friends and he had made me believe that he was the best I would ever have. I can't explain why at the time I couldn't just leave him. I still wish I could go back in time and shake myself for that one. Anyway, David and I were on a break, and while he was out hanging out with his ex, Levi was in town for Christmas, visiting his family. Long story short, we hung out, and ended up having sex. I was very conflicted at this point and ended up shutting Levi out and going back to David.
<br>3 years later....<br>
David still had me under his thumb, but I was extremely tired of being pushed around, hit, yelled at, and made to feel inadequate. I left him in december of 2011. It wasn't easy, but I did it. David was of course devastated and he began stalking me (at one point finding out I was dating around, breaking into my house with a baseball bat, shattering windows, kicking down doors, etc.). He was arrested 3 times in the 3.5 years I was with him, mostly for domestic violence.
After I left him, I felt so free. During those 3 years, Levi and I still occasionally talked through text, phone or skype. Usually a catch-up type conversation. We always remained friends with a soft spot for one another.
Levi was still away at college, I was 22 by this point. In November of 2012 I met Chester (yes that's his real name, lol.) Sparks flew, he was perfect, we fell for each other very quickly. I thought I had found 'the one'. Then at that tell-tale point in the relationship (roughly 6 months in) Chester started sort of backing off, not trying as hard, etc. He had kind of put on a facade and acted the way he thought I wanted him to. Then once I was hooked and in love, he stopped being as sweet. Chester lives about 45 minutes away from me, and he drives to see me on the weekends. We're both in college, but we go to different colleges.<br> Now I am 23 years old, in a relationship with Chester, and not super happy. We've been together 1 year and 2 months. Chester is hoping to get a job once he graduates in June, and wherever that job is, he is going to move and he hopes I'll move with him. The problem is that I'm an emotional, needy person and I would hate to move away from my family and friends and my hometown for someone that I'm not sure will be sweet enough, supportive enough, or compassionate enough to take care of my feelings, especially if I move with him and he's the only person I have.
<br>SO!<br>
Here comes the predicament..<br>
Levi graduated college and moved back home. He and I caught up and we have yet to kick those residual feelings for one another. He told me that all these years, he couldn't date anyone else, and every time he heard I was with someone else it made his stomach churn. He was been in love with me since we were 16 and that hasn't changed. He said it hurts less and less over the years (5 and a half years since we broke up) but the pain never went away, and he went through some pretty deep depression because he felt he had made a huge mistake.
<br> I on the other hand have dated other people which helped cover the feelings I had for Levi. I tried to get over him by connecting with other people. It worked for the most part, but I've been conflicted still and always left with a 'what if' feeling.
So comes the question of whether security is worth it... I am in love with Chester, though our relationship is missing his emotional support and affection. He makes me feel secure, I know if I lost the roof over my head he would be there, if I needed emergency money, he would be there to help. Hell, I'm driving his car or truck at any given point because he stored my car because it is unreliable and he wanted me to be able to get around reliably.
I feel like Chester could provide for me financially, if I stick with him I won't have to worry about money or being homeless. But often times I feel sort of lonely with him.
Then there's Levi, who is staying with his grandparents until he can find a job. He doesn't have a car and doesn't have an income. There's no security there. But I feel myself drawn to him romantically. I'm the type of woman who wants to marry, have a kid, adopt a kid, and be a house wife/mother. Security is huge for me, yet so is love.<br><br> So I guess my question is... What would you do? This seems to be a timeless predicament, doesn't it?
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Hi there! I've got to admit I've read through your (positively epic!) post quite a few times and I'm wondering if I should, or even could add anything of any value at all. You do seem to have consecutively encountered three rather 'extreme' (shall we say?) character-types here, don't you? Shall we try some rough-ish 'character profiling' and maybe unearth the one most (or indeed least) likely to connect with your own? Levi sounds to me the gloomy, introspective and somewhat 'tragic' character of the three. You certainly seem to be carrying a mighty torch for him. A few caveats? He seems to have 'caved-in' rather after losing you, racked with regrets and remorse. Would he crack-up in a similar manner if life (even with you) dealt him a few blows? Will he be there for you and your needs, or too wrapped in his own worries? Be aware that having little daily contact with someone we miss often makes us creat a wholly imaginary perfection in them. We turn them into an ideal soulmate, lover etc. And naturally, having created our perfect partner, we fall in love with what we have created. Don't wade in with your eyes closed. Weigh him up a bit. Is he what your remember? Is he REALLY anything like what you've created? And of course, "living on love, who cares about money and a roof over our heads" sounds a lot less fine, noble and romantic when...well...you're broke and you haven't got a roof over your heads!! Which brings us to David. Err...yeah. Uncompensated, unhinged control freak. Borderline psychotic by the sound of it. He seems to have ruled himself out of the running...thankfully! Think you did right getting away there, and with your sanity (life??) intact. So to Chester. Worthy, dependable. Compliant. Will mould his own character to the will and desire of yours. Wants what's 'best' for himself and you. I think he would certainly be compassionate and supportive enough to take very good care of you in the practical, material sense. But....(big punt here based on 'reading between the lines')...there's no spark, no real connection and you find him dull and uninteresting? Apologies if I'm wrong. But what about you? Torn between two mutually exclusive desires. The desire to replicate the secure, settled and welcoming domestic life you have enjoyed yourself. Versus those turbulent, emotionally charged bad boys and dangerous dudes that to the late teenaged 'you' seemed to hold all the aces when it comes to the drama and excitement of 'true love'. The ones we believe we can tame, and change? I seem to have come full circle, and I'm certain that what I've written does not actually constitute an answer in any meaningful sense. But I hope that something in it might help you start asking the right questions. Maybe also, 'the one' is in fact 'none of the above'?? I also have a vague idea that if you read this, there's a good chance you'll dislike me intensely. Choose wisely, as they say. You write fluently, clearly, intelligently and entertainingly by the way. So I'm confident you'll consider your choice carefully and have the confidence and savvy to walk away from it if it turns out to be a bad one. My very best wishes.
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It doesn't sound like any of these guys are the right guy for you. You said you are missing Chester's emotional support and affection, but you also said Levi wasn't super cuddly or emotional with you. I just think you're picking the wrong guys.
This choice is ultimately up to you. So you ask what would I do? I would back out of the current relationship and stop talking to Levi and take time for myself to figure out who I really want to be with, if either of them.
If you really are in love with Chester, then you should probably talk to him about how you're feeling. Don't point fingers at him or anything, but just let him know how you feel. I think there is lack of communication in this relationship so if you want it to work, you might want to work on that.
But I'd just take some time off to figure out what you need and want and put it in order.
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Doesn't sound to me like you've met the right guy yet. Our feelings can lead us astray you know and make choices that are not in our best interest.
Usually somewhere in there, we are lying to ourselves....I've done it when I was your age...end result married 30 yrs to the wrong guy.
We lie even though our gut instinct tells us something is off, not quite right, but because we want love or have other wants and goals, we tend to lie to ourselves so we will settle for less.
Another mistake we tend to make is to think security is better than having love. I settled for having a roof over my head and bills paid because he could earn more than me and on my own I couldnt survive if I left him. You woke up and left an abusive man sooner than I did...but you are still concerned about security over love.
Does this mean I think you should be with Levi over Chester? No, because with neither guy do you seem to be romantically, emotionally and sexually matched. I understand there can be some feelings..for each..but neither one is an 8 9 or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10 for you as far as I can see from what you wrote.
You said, "...Levi was that he wasn't super cuddly or emotional with me"
and yet you feel drawn to him romantically? Remember that what you feel for him needs to match what he feels for you. Maybe he is perfect for you, although I am not sure from your words.
Don't make excuses for the amount of emotional nurturing or romantic cuddling and attention you need. There is no right or wrong amount of loving and affection if both partners are okay with the amount and not adjusting their wants and need to match the partner. For example, lets use sex to explain this: One woman has a high libido and wants the hugs and kisses and cuddles every day and she's okay with sex once a day or twice, in fact she wants it that often, her partner rarely touches her and considers himself a sexual tiger at wanting sex once or twice a week. The national average they say is couples have it only 2 to 3 times a month! The woman is going to feel lonely and unloved because her needs aren't met. The same goes for a man with a wife who decides he doesnt do anything for her sexually and so now he gets zero sex from her. This two people still love their partners regardless if they are getting what they need but the need is so great that at some point a situation will come along or they go looking and find themselves someone to have an affair with. This is too common. When I was dating before I met my 2nd husband, you wouldn't believe how many lonely married men wanted to have a relationship with me without the wife knowing of course. When I asked why they don't leave her to find their sexual equal and receive the sex they need, they said they couldnt because they love her. The same goes not just for sex but love as well. Some are not getting the kind of emotional love and support they need. And thats the most dangerous of all, because if a mismatched married person gets to finally experience someone who does give them the love and emotional support plus the sex is good, the one they are married to pales in comparision and this will be the most tempting situation in which to divorce and leave the first partner. There may not be anything wrong with their partner, he's just not with the right woman, a female who doesnt have as strong a need for emotional love and or sex. Find your match in that way and also the security and you'll be happier and likely to stay married.
You have particular dreams of being the mom at home with kids and adoptive kids. Not every guy can handle fathering a kid who is not his own blood. It takes a special person to want to be a foster parent or adoptive parent. Depending on how important that is to you even if its still many years down the road, you want a guy whose dreams and goals are much like yours. Don't assume you can talk him into it. You want someone 100% on board with that, not kinda half hearted about it. And thats something to know before you decide to marry.
The decision is all yours, I've just given you some things to think about. If you decide on Chester, remember that in todays world and economy, even Chester could lose his job and income and not be able to find a new job. Then you'd go from having security but no great love to having no security and no love. At least when you have someone who will love you no matter what happens, is security comes and goes, you will at least still have love.
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Its a hard decision but you always want to go with you gut I know a lot of people will say mind over heart but i disagree I think Heart over mind is better you want to be happy with whatever you have whether that be little or lots. If you love someone you should be with that person eventually things will work out and youll find a way to survive. Even if Levi doesnt have a job now doesnt mean he wont ever if you dont love Chester then you shouldnt be with him its not fair on him or you. Sit down clear your mind, close your eyes and the face you see is the person your suppose to be with.
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