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confused?
I got ur response about my husband watching porn.. and I understand where you are coming from.. and an answer to one question about when he is confronted about porn or anything else in general.. he gets angry and denies anything and everything.. and then tries to turn the situation on me sometimes.. its like he thinks he never does anything wrong.. just the other night he was well drunk.. we were at a friends house drinking earlier and we went home and he started being mean and rude and saying hurtful things (and no he doesn't usually get that way when he drinks) and then after awhile he started throwing up and then got really emotional and apologizing and saying he doesn't wanna lose me and how much he loves me.. if that is the case then how come he treats me that way? and also, I do not go through his phone! there are just times that I come across the porn not thinking I was gonna come across it.. it just happened.. there are also times when he is confronted by things that he will just walk away/leave and then come back thinking and acting like nothing happened! and im sorry but im the type of person that if we are fighting you cant just walk away and then come back thinking everything is fine! im the type of person that if something happens I gotta talk to you about it or else it wont get resolved or whatever you wanna call it.. he is also the type of person that does not talk about his feelings or about how he feels or anything related to that! sometimes I have to practically beat it out of him to get some kind of answer or anything. and I kind of hate it because it makes it harder on me! lately yes, I have noticed that there are times that I can tell that he is trying a little.. but other than that its like im getting nowhere! I know that my husband loves me..and I love him with all my heart and then some.. but after everything that has happened in the past and some stuff that still continues to happen just makes everything a lot harder stressful on me! and yes, I do find porn disgusting.. why would anyone wanna sit there and watch random people have sex? its gross personally.. but like I have said.. my main thing is the lies and the hiding tuff from me.. it just makes me wonder what else he could be hiding from me?!?!?!?!?!?!? thank u for your help!
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I think I'm beginning to see the picture a little more clearly. OK, you are not over 'nosey' or intrusive. Blind alley. In general he reacts to criticism by completely denying the accusation. And later he even 'denies the denial' in a sense, and wants you to carry on as if it indeed, never happened at all. I'm a little wary of you thinking I'm 'defending the man's side' unfairly, but I will point out that many men are simply NOT as comfortable talking about 'feelings' as women. They'll talk about sport, work etc...all the usual topics. But feelings? Good god no! It's so often a real block in overcoming problems which can be resolved by communication...one side finds it hard to communicate...not a great start! Now, unresoved issues WILL lead to anger. You 'manage' (or control if you like) your anger via communication. By 'airing your views' and not simply running away and turning your back on them. Which is what he does, right? His annoyance, frustration, anger (which we ALL feel, however 'perfect' a friend's life or relationship may look to us from the outside) does not find an outlet. He isn't so much 'managing his anger badly' so much as 'not managing it at all'. But the pent-up emotion must find SOME outlet, and he will tend to turn it on you...in the form of the rude and hurtful comments. And I believe he is most probably deliberately 'spoiling for a fight' with you over the porn thing. It's a 'focus', virtually guaranteed to cause an argument...I know you find porn disgusting...I assume he does? It's a handy stick to beat you with. Now, the other night? With the 'assistance' (if you could put it like that!) of 'too much to drink' he briefly sort of 'broke down' a bit. He dropped his guard, dropped the silly, irrational denials. And what came out? Anger, violence, abusive language...NO. What came out was "I love you very much and couldn't bear to lose you". No 'turning things around'...he took the reposibility. " I (myself) do not (through my actions) want to lose YOU" THIS IS THE POSITIVE WHICH WE HAVE TO BUILD ON!! You are clearly a 'communicator' and are intuitive. He's certainly hiding his FEELINGS from you. You obviously feel that he is hiding something else? Something physical, ( something'real' if you like, not just emotional). You need to get together and talk openly and frankly. You need to find the right moment, and the right approach. Tell him you feel that you seem to be 'at each other's throats' all the time lately. That you feel he's being secretive and shutting you out. And that's making you imagine all kinds of things, and it's scaring you. Say you've noticed he seems unhappy at times, and troubled, and angry about everything. Tell him you love him, that you know he loves you, that you want to clear the air, help. But you can't unless you know what's wrong. You have to draw it out of him. NOT beat it out of him. When we feel 'attacked'...what do we do? We defend ourselves. Up will go his barriers! There is always the possibility of course that you are going unearth and discover things that will not be to your liking. If you do, you most definitely appear to be the more 'emotionally mature' character of the two. So fight down the urge to condemn, criticise or fly off the handle as it were, even if you feel it's properly justified. We're looking for a solution, not a pointless 'showdown'. Put your side of course, but try to resist the urge to use it as a 'stage' for you to stand up on and air all your grievances. You are handling you anger much better than he is, remember? Give HIM 'the stage' as you might say. Let him rave and rant a bit if he needs to. To get it all out in the open, by whatever means necessary. Then we'll have something more to build on. I don't usually say this, but you know where we are. Stay in touch via the inbox if there's anything you want to ask me, tell me, talk about....whatever. If YOU want to rave on a bit, rave at me if you like! Best wishes, stay strong. At your service, madam!
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