I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 173032
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What is something i can do to calm down. I am so worked up about everything all i can do is cry. Is there something else i can do besides cry?
please help me (link)
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Maybe you just need to cry. Tears are our body's way of trying to tell us something - they can express frustration, sadness, anxiety, anger. Sometimes the more you try to fight tears and your body, the more likely you are to cry!
The next time you feel you need a weep, try going into a private space like your bedroom where you can be as sad and melodramatic as you want. Really let all those feelings hang out and express themselves.
You might be surprised at how this affects your need to cry. And when you start feeling more in tune with yourself, you might try activities to help balance you out and further strengthen positive things - pampering yourself, writing, meditation, art, friends, sports. These will also help you shed anxiety and stress, which will also have an affect on the tears.
Best of luck.
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Okay, well I made a promise not to lose my virginity before I got married. Not only did I promise myself, but I promised my friend (let say his name is Mark). So.. I found this guy I'm totally heels over head with (lets say his name is Anthony). I fell for this guy, and within the first 3 months, we became intimate. This was back in September. We're still together, and going strong, but we do have sex. I know I broke that promise to myself, but my friend had JUST found out (months later) and now like thinks I'm so stupid, and that I hurt him and blah blah blah. Cuz he's my "best friend", and yeah if you can't tell, he likes me ALOT. And I feel like I've let him down. I love Anthony, I don't regret having sex with him, and I'll keep having it. But how do I tell Mark that he needs to move on, and that it's my own life. Please give me good answers, I'll give good ratings!! (link)
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Mark can't be responsible for your choics any more than you can be responsible for his. You've made a decision you're happy with - you're in a good relationship, you're having sex, you see yourself continuing this way for the foreseeable future. Good for you!
You don't need to be made to feel bad about your choices. Just let Mark know that while you felt you were making the best decision at the time, people change. Flexibility is part of life.
If Mark cares for you, no doubt he feels threatened by your boyfriend. He probably also feels hurt that you didn't share your change of heart with him. Try to have an honest conversation without getting agressive or defensive, and then back off. Mark needs to decide if he wants to continue in the friendship or not, since you can't 'make' him okay about your choice to have sex.
Best of luck.
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hey my name is chelsey and i am 13 years old. I have a boyfriend named Mike and we have been going out for to be three months. Well we're happy together and everything but we can only see eachother once a week because he lives in another town. So i would think that when i see him every Friday it would be special and he would be all over me. i mean he's nervous i think but it's been THREE MONTHS! we hold hands and stuff but when it comes to kissing during the movies or touching me he gets scared. maybe i'm young but i want him to do these things. Is this normal or how can i have him change? Please help me! i'll rate VERY high!
Thank you VERY much!
Much Love,
Chelsey (link)
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One main thing that will help Mike relax is time. If he only sees you once a week, that means he might need half the date to even begin to relax. Mike also might be shy. This means that if he's more reserved, and doesn't see you much, it might take him months to feel really comfortable.
The other big thing that will help him relax is YOU. If in any way you are pushing him or making him feel uncomfortable about his shyness, this will probably only make him even LESS likely to kiss you. You could always initiate things - be the one to kiss him first - and see what happens.
It sounds like Mike is someone who really likes you for who you are, not what you can give him. While it can be frustrating to wait for him to catch up with you, at least you know you've got a genuinely nice guy.
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ok well sometimes like when i workout or just wearing jeans somewhere i dont wear underwear. i just heard the other day though about crabs? is it likely i will get them or already have them if i dont wear underwear sometimes? can someone please give me some info on this..thanks. (link)
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As long as you're wearing SOMETHING (that no one else has worn), you won't get crabs.
You can get them from close naked contact with someone who has crabs, by sharing a bed with someone (again, with no clothes), or by borrowing someone else's pants that have crabs.
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i love an attractive girl.i showed it to her indirectly that i love her.since then she is sending me some signals.but i am confused.she sometimes talks to me,sometimes dont.sometimes i have seen her making eye contact,but sometimes she aviods it.sometimes she smiles but otherwise behaves as if i were a stranger.does she love me? (link)
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If you've only expressed your interest indirectly, how can you expect the girl you like to be direct?
It's time for you to take a risk. If you want to know clearly how she feels, you're going to need to be more direct with her.
You can't hold back and expect her to suddenly pour out her love, as your indirect signals may be confusing her just as much as you're confused!
Best of luck.
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Why are some guys such JERKS? No, that's not really my question, but I would like to know.
My question is this... I have a boyfriend. I think. Thing is, I haven't spoken to him since early December. He WON'T take my calls. How do I know? "Hello Mrs. Carr, is Andrew home?"
"Just a second" *calls his name in the backround*
*Andrew whispers back* "Who is it?"
"May I ask who's calling?"
"Yes ma'am, it's Brandy."
*Andrew whispering again* "I'm not home."
*His mom* "Brandy honey, could you call back in a few minutes please?"
"Of course."
So I wait a few minutes, about fifteen, and call back. NO ANSWER. I call my friend Meg who lives right next door to him and asked if he was there. She said yes. I called him again. No answer. I waited a few more minutes and called back. No answer.
He missed my birthday and hasn't spoken to me at all in over a month. I just don't know what to think. I mean, he hasn't broken up with me, so does he want to be with me? And if he didn't want to be with me, couldn't he grow some cohones and tell me instead of ignoring me?
*Sigh* (link)
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It's fairly safe to say that you don't actually have a boyfriend anymore. He doesn't view himself as being with you, but he's too afraid to actually tell you that to your face. This elaborate avoiding of you is his way of trying to give you the message that it's over.
And quite frankly, you can do a lot better than someone this insensitive.
Best of luck!
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Are there any sites for summer camps for overweight people on the east coast? (link)
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Go to Google and do a search for 'American Camping Association.' This is the official accrediting body for summer camps in America.
The website will provide a list of all accredited (basically, safe!) camps, as well as telling you a little bit about them.
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i have a bachelor degree in managment. i use to live in canada and studied french when in highschool. so i speak it fluently. does anyone no how to go about finding a job as a french teacher for the highschool level or middle school level. and would i need a certain teaching certificate to do such.. how would i find out jobs in or around my school district... thannxx so much!! (link)
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Teaching for high school is different than teaching for middle school, and there are different requirements for both. It also differs from state to state.
Generally, to be fully qualified as a high school teacher, you need a double BA in the subject you wish to teach and secondary education. To teach middle school, you need a BA in primary education along with special qualifying tests to teach middle school - it usually helps to have minors in the subjects you wish to teach.
Now, there are school districts that will take on unqualified teachers and provide training while on the job. This usually means earning less money, but it does mean you can jump right into work and earning a qualification all at the same time. If you call your local department of education, they should be able to point you in the direction of schools/districts that offer similar schemes.
Best of luck.
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I Have been feeling depressed for almost a year now, and I have read nearly all the articles posted about depression, but none of them really help me. I took the first step of talking to a trusted adult, who was one of my former teachers. She tried to help me by calling my mom and referring me to different counselors. But this made my mom very angry. My mom refuses to let me see a counselor, and she is not allowing me to have contact with my teacher either. I don't understand why, but I think it's because my mom feels like I am placing blame on her for my issues. Now I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to. I want to call my teacher, but my mom would be very angry if she found out. What else is there left for me to do if counseling is not an option? I fear I will keep getting more and more depressed like I have been. Please respond to my question, I really need your help! (link)
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Does your school offer a free counselling service? Many do. If yours doesn't, perhaps they can point you in the direction of a local service that offers free and confidential emotional support to young people.
Your other option, counselling wise, is to research local/national free helplines. They exist for many subjects, and depression is a major area that people need support with. This call would be free and would not show up on your phone bill.
Finally, you could sit down and tell your mother exactly how bad you are feeling. She might be recognizing that she hasn't been a perfect parent, and you entering counselling would force her to confront her inadequacies. Reassure her that counselling is confidential, that she would not have to attend sessions (unless you both felt that was a good choice), and that you need the counselling to talk about you, not her - your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
She may just need time to adjust, but she shouldn't hold you back from getting help for yourself. You could contact your teacher again, explain the situation, and ask her to not phone your mother. She may be able to offer other solutions.
Finally, contact your local health services and ask for a list of counsellors in your area - organizations and individuals. You should be able to find a local practitioner who offers sliding scales (less money for those who can't afford it).
Best of luck.
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I wrote and performed music for twenty years. Had fun, played with great people. I'm now 43, don't want to perform or write anymore, but don't know what to do next. I'm still an intellectually curious type; read all the time (which is thoroughly enjoyable up to a point) and listen to underground rock, old jazz, newly discovered classical, all that, but I NEED focus. I sit around all the time, and still use mind alterers, and don't know what the hell to do with myself! Any suggestions? Please, no religious freaks. Let me rephrase: no religion-oriented suggestions whatsoever. That includes AA.
Otherwise, advise away!
-Jack (link)
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Many people switch careers at some point in their life. It seems that your choice is whether you want to stay in this industry, or if you would prefer to move into entirely uncharted territory.
If you want to stay in music, there are many options. You could train to be a music teacher, begin working in production, start a business as an agent, become a club booker, work in a variety of areas for musicians, or do voluntary work (if you don't need the money).
If you think you'd like to try something completely different, a few sessions with a careers counsellor might be able to point you in the right direction. You could even re-enter education and earn a BA or MA - that'll give you focus!
It sounds as if you have many strong skills, and you should be able to apply them in an area you love - you just need to find it first.
Best of luck.
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My cousin is engaged to my ex boyfriend.
They're getting married in May.
I was the first person she told her engagement to.
She wants me to be her bridesmaid.
I don't know what am I suppose to feel.
(link)
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You're not supposed to feel anything. You can't help what you feel, whether it's mostly negative or positive. Your feelings just ARE, and that's okay.
The most important thing is to just spend some time figuring out how you feel, and then to do whatever it takes to support your feelings.
For example, if you feel uncomfortable being a bridesmaid, don't be one! Your cousin should understand. Do whatever it takes to make you feel okay with yourself.
Best of luck.
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Ohk i have a serious question.
And sorry its going to be kinda of long but i would really appreciate if you guys took the time to read this.
i Just watched True life the one about obessive Compulsive disorder. Well alot of the Things those People were doing kinda reminded myself of me. Like not what they would do like count and retouch things because it didnt feel right but heres some things i do.
Thourgh Out the day i make sure all the doors are locked all of them- i dont know why it just bothers me
-Before i go to bed i make sure the doors are locked and the closet on the first floor. When i go in my bedroom i check my closet and make sure my window is locked. Like two days ago i had to make sure my door was locked because i heard something out in the kitchen.
Im afraid of someone coming into my house and taking me. I watch alot of law and order and Csi.
But i dont think that would have any thing to do with it.
-im terrified of needles. When i go to get blood drawn or shots. I start to cry.
-When i see needles on the tv i have to cover my eyes or look the other way. My mom is diabetic and she has to use insulin with the needles i looking at her while she does it.
When i was little i had this dream of me and my friend getting kidnapped by a doctor and he shoved needles in us and i died.
-i Cant throw-up if i do by getting sick or something i won't eat nothing for like the next three days.
-At school with my lockers ill lock them and then check 5-6 times to make sure theres no way anyone can open the locker - I have had my purse stolen from me and my locker broke into before like 3 years ago.
-At work I have to sign off the register everytime i walk away form it. I constantly walk to make sure im off.
I dont really know if this could be ocd. or its just being a strange person. Im 17/f
(link)
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This isn't OCD. For every 'symptom' you wrote down, you also wrote an example.
Even if you didn't watch a lot of shows about crime, it would be logical to assume that it's fairly normal to be worried about your home being broken into. Especially considering that you have had your purse stolen in the past - that also explains your locker habit.
No one enjoys vomit. Many people will feel upset for awhile after being sick if it's not something they are used to.
And many, many people have a problem with needles. That's completely normal. Especially if you grew up with needles being associated with your mother's illness.
Basically, breathe. Relax. You're okay, you're normal, and it's okay to feel anxiety or worry. It's all part of being human.
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I just read something that someone else posted that made me wonder if i had an ocd as well.
When it comes to brushing my teeth they never feel clean, therefore i brush my teeth at least 5 times a day. Even if i hadnt eaten anything i brush them just because. Am i a freak or is this an ocd?
p.s even though im brushing them constantly they're still a little yellow its nasty. ive tried teeth whitening products but they dont seem to work. should i get the professionally whitened? if so how much do they cost?
sorry its long :[
But i rate 5's :] (link)
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Everyone has some litle obsessive quirk - brushing their teeth too much, worrying they left the iron on, doublechecking the locks on doors a few extra times. This doesn't mean these people have a disorder.
You're normal, with one little quirk. And as far as quirks go, at least yours is a healthy one!
It seems you are very worried about your teeth. Why not ask your dentist about your teeth the next time you see her/him - find out if your teeth are as yellowed as you think, or if you actually match up with most of the population. If your dentist feels you might need professional whitening, they can give you all sorts of information - prices, options, pros/cons.
One thing my hygenist once said to me is that nobody looks at our pores/teeth/etc as closely as we do - so while something might seem like a really big deal to us, in reality no one else probably notices.
If you want whiter teeth for you, fabulous. Go talk to your dentist!
Best of luck.
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Ok i know it sounds totally weird because im so young (15 very soon) but my boyfriend wants to propose to me for my bday. Hes 17 and i know wont be able to get married for ages and so does he. I think hes still going to propose though. What should I do? We've been going out for 10 months. thanks xx
(Im female by the way...) (link)
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A good bithday present includes concert tickets, fabulous and fun things to do, and anything material that is special to you. A proposal isn't a present.
While many younger people are in serious relationships and feel it might be appropriate to discuss or think about marriage, in reality it can lead to heartbreak. A relationship this young, statistically, is bound to end at some point. If that relationship has seriously considered marriage, then the ending will be that much harder.
Marriage is more than a way to prove to each other how much you love each other. It's full of ups and downs, doubts, hard times, joy, and deep and lasting love.
There's nothing wrong with you two loving each other; perhaps, though, you might want to focus on just enjoying the relationship without all the pressure. You shouldn't need a ring to prove to yourself or your partner that you're serious about each other, particularly at your age.
Getting engaged is a special thing. While some people are engaged more than once, many are only engaged the once - why not wait until you feel sure it's the right choice (with this guy or someone else)?
You can tell your boyfriend that while you care, marriage isn't something you are ready to contemplate yet. He may be insecure and this is why he is pushing for an engagement. If you reassure him of your feelings, he should be content to put marriage on the back burner.
Best of luck.
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My mind always fills dirty things about guys. I always fantasize about their penises like how big they have, shaved or un-shaved, fat or thin. Its about all men, young and old, known or unknown. Imagine when I talk to a man, my mind goes fantasizing about his penis, Is this sickness?
I am 15/F. (link)
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It's the opposite of sickness, it's normal and healthy. Your body is full of hormones, emotions, and curiousity - and there's nothing wrong with that!
You'll find that most people, whatever age, have fantasies or thoughts they would be embarassed to share with other people. You're perfectly healthy!
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So my parents have decided to get me a credit card and contact lenses as soon as I become "responsible". I know which contacts I want...so that's a completely irrelevant piece of informatin, since we all love those. ;). For lots of the credit cards I'm considering, you need good or excellent credi. What if you have no credit? Also, if you have a credit card already, please let me know all the ins and outs about it. Oooh, and if you can think of ways to prove how responsible I am, then please let me know! ßhould I consider a debit card? What's the difference? (link)
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One way of showing how responsible you are is be doing some informed research about credit cards and then having a serious discussion with your parents about them.
You will not be able to get a gold or platinum card. Those may seem appealing - and certainly have a lot of benefits - but they will not be available to first time credit card holders. You will simply have to find a card that has low APR - that's the most important thing - and apply for it. The higher the APR, the more interest you will have to pay.
Another option that is fantastic for a younger person is to get a secured credit card. This means that you give the company a set amount of money - say 200 dollars - and then you are given a credit line of 200 dollars. This means that when you are charging things, you're actually spending your own money. When you pay the bill, it goes back towards yourself. It's like borrowing money from you, and this is a good way to build up credit and learn how to be responsible with credit cards.
Any credit card will help you earn points towards good credit, assuming you regularly make payments. If you are late even once, your APR can shoot through the roof.
Credit cards are a dangerous thing in the hands of someone who is not prepared to accept responsibility - and they can be alluring to those who already ARE responsible. Debt is not something to mess around with, so be sure to only charge as much as you can pay off each month.
If you plan to pay the balance off in full, you pay no interest and only pay the purchase price of the item you've got.
Another option to learn how to manage money is a personal checking account. It is more hands on than a credit card and teaches you about account keeping, money responsibility, etc. Debit cards are similar to checks - the money comes directly from your bank account, so there is no monthly statement or anything to pay back.
I'd say doing research on contacts would be helpful too, and think of things from your parents' point of view. They'll want to look at cost, possible impacts on your health, and the amount of work it takes to wear contacts - provide them with this info rather than 'Contacts are so cool!' and you should get them no problem.
Best of luck.
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Are guys supposed to masturbate? This was a big issue at school today. I was wondering if most guys masturbate. K thanks .. ♥ Tiff (link)
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I don't think there is any 'supposed' or 'shoulds' when it comes to masturbation.
It is healthy and normal. Most boys AND girls do it, but some don't. Whatever people feel is right for them is normal and fine.
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I wake up in the middle of the night or around like 3 am usually and get up and just drink so much. Like this morning, for instance, I remember getting up and drinking two cans of coke a cola and then a glass of chocolate milk and then just going right back to sleep. I usually do this very fastly. It seems like i cant control it, i just get up and do it without thinking. But i dont even wake up when i need to use the potty!!
Is this/Am I Normal?
What should I Do?
(link)
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It sounds as if your body needs more liquid that you are giving it throughout the day, and so it's taking charge at night!
Ways to help: make sure to drink plenty of water throughout the day. By the time you start to feel thirsty, you're already in the first stages of dehydration, so drink up!
Things with sugar in them, like Coke or juice, will only dehydrate your faster. It's best to drink non-sugar things - check the label. Water is by far the best for your body.
At night when you wake up, skip the milk and Coke. This is probably doing a lot of damage to your teeth, and you could end up with cavaties. Keep a glass on the counter for yourself and stick a post-it to it saying 'Water!!'
If you get into the habit of drinking water at night, then you're helping your teeth and your thirst.
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My cheast is different sizes,my right breast is bigger then my left and that makes me self-cautious, i cant wear low cut shirts, or a swimming suit without putting a pading in my left breast wich makes it uncomftreble and doesnt look right.I wanna be confident about my body. I saw a doctor and she said u cant do anything about it, only plastic surgery.But i wanna change my chest somehow, is there any lotion that i can rub on it, or any pills that can help me?I dont know what to do.Please help.
(link)
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Most women have one breast that is bigger than the other, and I bet you haven't noticed their lopside-ed-ness!
The thing is, when we feel uncomfortable about a part of our body - be it our breasts, a zit, our hips - we are overly conscious of it. We spend a lot of time examining ourselves, and when we're out in public we might be thinking about that specific problem.
But to other people around you, you are more than just your breasts - you're the whole package: body, mind, and soul. No one will ever be as critical of you as you are of yourself.
Your doctor is right. There is no way to naturally and safely change one of your breast's size apart from surgery. If you can wear a bra that fits both breasts comfortably, then chances are you are perfectly within the normal range. Although many women do have difficulties with varying cup sizes, these can be sorted out by having a professional bra fitting.
An expert can tell you which bra will be the best for your body, and if you share your concerns about your uneven breast size, they should be able to offer a suitable bra and help put your mind at rest.
Best of luck.
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I am a married 26 years old and have been to the gyno one time. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and take medication to help me in dealing with it. I have developed extreme fear and anxiety about going to the gyno and I have an appointment in Feb. because I have a lot of pain in the lower right hand side. The anxiety is so intense and I have become obsessed with worry and fear in going. I do not know how to overcome it even though I am on my medication. I also read some self help books on fear and anxiety. At this point I do not know what to do... I know I need to go and how important it is to get checked but I am loosing sleep and constantly debating in my head about how I am going to make it thru the examination. Please let me know if you have any suggestions on how to overcome this because I can not take it anymore and it is consuming my life! (link)
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One practical thing you could do is call your doctor's office, explain about your anxiety, and ask if you could have a 'dry run.' You know, a tour of the office, and then have a brief chat with your doctor about what exactly you can expect on your examination day.
If your doctor isn't willing to offer this service, then you might want to shop around for a more understanding person.
You may also want to consider whether or not your medicine is at the right dosage for you; if this anxiety is persistent and about more than just this visit to your gyno, then you may need to have the meds adjusted.
If you've only gone to the gyno one time, then it's a still a relatively unknown experience to you. It's common to have a fear of what we don't understand. Take some time for you by talking to your doctor or female friends who can help explain how the visit works. This should help alleviate some anxiety.
I would also question if you had a bad experience at your first visit. A healthy woman with no gyno-related problems should still be having regular check ups - this means seeing your gyno every single year. If something happened at the first visit that made you uncomfortable, it's definitely best to question whether you would want to return to that doctor.
One final thing you might do is sit down and make a concrete list of everything that scares you about going to the gyno, no matter how irrational you may think the fears are. Put the list away and come back to it in a few days time when you are feeling calm. Go through each item and work through it.
For example, if you are afraid of possible pain, that fear can be alleviated by asking for info here, reading a more health-based website, visiting your doctor, or talking to friends.
You're right in saying that it is definitely important to have a check-up; this is especially true because you've been experiencing pain. Even if you feel like nothing will help you, it's best to remind yourself on the day that you need this check-up because your health is a top priority.
Best of luck.
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